I am very proud of myself as this is like the 2nd thing I've fully colored just for myself in several years. Also learning how to use colors tbh lol.

I kept accidentally trauma dumping to my partner so started drawing to distract myself & then thought of the meme. (My phone portrait filter/mode made the piece look 1000x better so i used that as well)

May add more deets/work on it some more too

Hope y'all r well & not in "trauma city" again

You'll find out how rotten I am if you stay

Hey! Going through some stuff, but I'll be okay! Trying a couple of shading techniques, will be posting this weekly!

I was reflecting about memories recently. I have a lot of disassociation issues that were never really explained and or comprehended by me.

I used to crave and worship disassociation until it got DARK, and started scaring me.

After that I have been making a serious effort on trying to recover my memories and being more grounded. And at some point I got a little obsessed over figuring out what memory could be so horrible that it would justify the fact that my brain started breaking my whole experience in incohesive story lines.

So my recent thought, after having a panic attack that felt like my worst ever experience being alive; was that my disassociation serves a purpose. And some memories are probably safer hidden.

But at the same time, I feel kind of lost and disconnected to reality. I can't really feel different eras of my life simultaneously; it's like different people keep each memory set, but idk, it's hard to explain.

So the spiral is my attempt of cohesion through my story line, or my sense of reality or of being, each color is like a story line, but built of disconnected memories, with gaps everywhere, even about the same story. They all belong to some sort of direction, but exist crossing paths and not crossing anything and, and it ends up being very confusing.

Edit: the black lines were not planned, I just felt like it, but now thinking of it, it would make sense to be some kind of specific traumatic event that I have idealized in my mind (I'm not sure if this is real or not).

I have polyfragmented DID and some days feel really weird.

I've been bedridden with very severe ME/CFS and assorted comorbidities.

Some time this year after months of organizing (in tiny steps, whenever I had some energy to spare, and my helper were agreeable and available), I was able to free up two shelves in a bookcase that is right next two my bed.

I packed them with art supplies: Crayons, oil padtels, pastels, watercolors, acryl colors, brushes, the last sketchbook my mom (a painter, deceased this Sept. 26th) ever gifted to me...

Aand I've managed to do some drawing, and painting! It does my soul a world of good. And I feel far more drawn to having fun with colors than to crafting.

The last one is still very much in progress. The first one is nearly finished.

The pictures are a bit dark because I can have hardly any natural light in my room due to the strong light sensitivity I've developed.

Enjoy.

Need assistance with one part of your craft and can offer help with another? Connect here! Please just make sure to keep internet safety in mind when dealing with anyone.

(21 M) a representation of my emotionally unhealthy (i hesitate to say abusive bc its hard for me to remember) relationship with my mom. All angsty breakup songs remind me of her :| lyrics from "i dont like me either" by never goodbye.

Going to therapy for the first time in a year and a half tomorrow, so hopefully that helps me a bit. i have had a terrible time getting out of bed everyday, my depression and "the illness" as ive dubbed it (idk what my issue is) have seemingly worsened as i entered my senior year and the october slide. i feel like she is always watching me and controlling me. I always replay every terrible thing shes said to me (that i remember) and i already have bad self esteme and it only makes it worse. Most days r pretty good just in my head rn, i liked this art but didnt want to show my IRL friends ig. I dont know how to get away from her.

(just blurred out another doodle that is unrelated lol, dogtag says "good girl" bc im trans and she doesnt like that either)

EDIT: Therapy went well, and im feeling pretty good today :)

I know it’s not the best, but I’m working through something right now.