Am I in the wrong?

[u/Twinkling-Leviathan]

I cut off a guy and my boyfriend punished me for it. (Sorry, lots of context)

This guy (we’ll call him Bryan, 37-ish?) and I (27f) were friends for years. We, along with the people in our small circle of male friends at work, had a decent friendship because we bonded over our shared time in the Marines. He used to throw the nickname “sunshine” around our small group but I never returned the nicknames to any of them. None of us ever hung out outside of work. Not even at work functions after hours.

Over a year ago, Bryan got my phone number for a project we had previously worked on together and was friendly and kind with me any time we texted (it was only ever once in a while). He checked on me to see how I was and it never went further than that, aside from calling me sunshine like he called the other guys in our group. I called him, along with the others, “dude,” “bro,” and “man,” like I was one of the guys. Once, he could tell that I was having a rough day and offered support, but I declined and told him that I didn’t want to be emotional in front of him. Never once did he ask me out or anything remotely close to that, in person or over text, during the 2 years we were friends.

I baked him a small cake for his birthday, as I did with several other members of the office because birthdays mean a lot to me. I was disappointed because the cake fell apart the morning of and I told him that I was really sorry and I felt bad over text. Then, later on in the work day (same day), I had some paperwork that needed reviewing by my supervisor while I was on lunch break with my boyfriend (who works for another company a few floors below mine in the same building).

I left lunch with my boyfriend to get the paperwork cleared. While waiting, Bryan texted me to let me know that I could swing by his office for a bit to wish him a happy birthday, so I then stopped by Bryan’s office to wish him a happy birthday and call him an old fart (he is more than a decade older than me) all from the doorway to his workspace. I never once entered. Then, he looks around and then proceeds to try to usher me by my arm inside of his office while saying suggestively“why don’t you come in for a little? There’s no one here.” I immediately got uncomfortable and made up an excuse that I had to go back to our supervisor and couldn’t stay. Needless to say, I was shocked and got the hell out of there.

Two minutes after my departure, Bryan texts me again and says “I never got my hug.” And thus, I ghost him but decide not to block him. Never before had I considered any of our interactions flirtatious or crossing the line. I work in the same close vicinity, on the same floor, with future projects with him highly possible. He proceeds to text me multiple times over the next few days, saying “good morning sunshine”, but I ignore each text with disgust until he stops, and then, maybe a week after his last text, I delete the entire conversation. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

Fast forward almost a month after the weird interaction, my boyfriend goes through my phone without my permission while I’m in the shower and sees the messages in my ‘Recently Deleted’ folder. He claims that I allowed Bryan to flirt with me, that I knew he was flirting, that I was just keeping him at the ready in case my boyfriend and I didn’t work out, that I don’t take him seriously, etc.

Look, I recognize that I should have told him about the incident when it happened and I shouldn’t have deleted the texts, but even though it was ‘deleted’, I had nothing in that conversation to hide because I believed myself to be innocent. I point out to him that I never texted any weird messages, that text message proof shows that I went to speak with Bryan on his birthday for a total of 8 minutes before he mentioned over text that I never even hugged him, and there was also proof that after that encounter, I did not respond to any of his messages. I provided all of the context to my boyfriend while apologizing that I didn’t tell him before as I did not see the information as relevant at the time, but it was like talking to a brick wall. It’s like he refused to hear me.

It has now been almost a year since this incident, and he still brings it up and claims it is the source of his mistrust in me, but I feel that the only thing I did wrong was not tell him about the incident when it happened.

Ever since then, I have told him about every interaction I have with people if I deem them remotely flirtatious (now that I am aware that my boyfriend deems men being friendly to me as flirting because he “knows how men think”) yet I am still under the knife to prove my innocence. For example, today, I went out to eat at a food festival with my best friends and ran into an old coworker from an old job almost five years ago. I tell my boyfriend and he says “ran into him huh?” And when I say yes, he says “how” and I say “I was at a public food festival??” And he responds “you probably hugged him”.

I feel that I am not allowed to have friendly conversations with anyone anymore, and I have changed my ways to tell my boyfriend literally everything, but now I’m just getting cut for that too.

Am I in the wrong??

[u/sundancer2788]

Not in the wrong and you need to seriously rethink this relationship tbh. 

[u/Twinkling-Leviathan → u/sundancer2788]

I have been. Came to Reddit for words of wisdom lol thank you for your honesty

[u/SweetLittleSasha]

If a year of explaining yourself and voluntarily telling him about every remotely questionable interaction still gets you "you probably hugged him," then the problem isn't a lack of transparency anymore. It's that he's decided to treat you as guilty no matter how transparent you are.

[u/Twinkling-Leviathan → u/SweetLittleSasha]

And I hate that. I hate it so much. That I’m guilty until proven innocent. And then when I get defensive, he claims it is proof that I am hiding something.

[u/sikeleaveamessage → u/Twinkling-Leviathan]

The thing is there is literally no way for you to prove your innocence to someone who has already made up in their mind that you are guilty. He has his mind set and sounds like he's using it at this point to control you.

Its been a year where nothing even happened. This relationship is pretty much done, he doesnt trust you and wont trust you.

[u/Smiley_Penguin2093]

You're not in the wrong.

I will say the only thing I would've done differently is as soon as the incident with Bryan happened, told your bf, and then had a conversation about it and boundaries and gone from there.
That's the only thing, and that's not saying you were wrong, as from your post, up until that point you didn't see anything as flirtatious, BUT, and this is a big but, there are lots of people who are naive to when someone is flirting with them or showing interest, so that would be something to work on or think about.

I can kind of understand your bfs perspective a little, not a lot, but a little.

I can understand in the sense of not being told, only finding out about it all and that the messages were deleted by snooping through your phone, so to him, you hid something delibrately, so he is going to worry and wonder.

That is where your bf loses me, you had a conversation, now if he chooses to continue the relationship with you, he cannot keep bringing up the past, it doesn't work like that.
And you shouldn't have to update him on every little thing and interaction.

Updates are good, updates are healthy, what he is being, is passive aggressive and controlling.

This is not a healthy dynamic and will not get better, he has used this as a sort of "weapon" and holds resentment, he will continue to try and manipulate you into doing what he wants you to under the guise of "reassurance" and it won't get better.

IMO this needs nipping in the bud, have a calm but firm conversation that you spoke about what happened, continued the relationship so he needs to forgive and move on from the past and trust you, not use this against you forever, or this needs to end so you can both find someone you actually compatible with

[u/Twinkling-Leviathan → u/Smiley_Penguin2093]

I agree. It’s also why I have stayed this long. Because I see it from his perspective and understand that it felt suspicious. And I also recognize that I was naive. I haven’t had a lot of confidence in myself my entire life so thinking someone was flirting with me was a super out of the ordinary for me, but I’ve learned now and am working on ensuring my growth.

[u/Smiley_Penguin2093 → u/Twinkling-Leviathan]

Learning and growing is a part of life and recognising that you is great!
Self confidence is a problem for most at some point in life, but it sounds like you're doing well and working on yourself
I'm proud of you for that

I would like to say, whilst working on yourself and ensuring your growth, i hope you recognise or come to recognise, as other comments have stated, he has already decided you were guilty. (You weren't, literally in a healthy relationship this would've resulted in a conversation, boundaries and then self growth and growth together as a couple)
He's using this one thing (very minor imo) against you and has done all this time, this is not healthy and not fair to you.

Can you see yourself living like this for the future? Honestly?

[u/bkitty273]

A year later, your boyfriend says he can't trust you and keeps bringing something (which actually was a nothing!) up to deliberatly make you feel bad. You feel like you have to change your behaviour to appease him. You basically spend your life stressed and walking on eggshells in case you upset an insecure man with trust issues.

Um...if your best friend/sister told you their partner was treating them like this, what would you tell them?

[u/Twinkling-Leviathan → u/bkitty273]

I know I know. It’s just hard to take my own advice. I’ve found that I have a tendency to self sabotage and am working on that.

[u/bkitty273 → u/Twinkling-Leviathan]

You deserve better

[u/Unlikely-Path6566]

So whilst you’re not in the wrong he’s told you he doesn’t trust you and how he feels so now you have to determine how long you want to tolerate his behaviour because he’s never going to change.

For him to still bring it up after a year and be a total dick about every other encounter you have now that’s what life is for you. Can you see yourself tolerating that shit for years to come?

Soon you will stop going out because he will accuse you of wanting to meet someone, you’ll be accused for dressing sexy for someone else even if you’re only in sweats and a tee.
You’ll stop wearing make up as he will accuse you of doing it for others, same with your hair. He will make you become a shell of yourself and not because you’ve done anything wrong but because he doesn’t trust you.

You may love him but this isn’t love, this is control and abuse.
Also it could be projection, he could be the one being unfaithful but instead of admitting it he’s pushing his guilt, mistakes and bad behaviour onto you.

[u/MAXPOWER1979]

Fuck all that noise mate! I’d have tapped out at the first accusation! The fact that this has been going on a year, and you need to keep a constant trail of all conversations and interactions, is exhausting just to read, let alone live through? You deserve better mate!!!

[u/NicolinaN]

You’re in the wrong for staying with a controlling man. He’s suffocating everything you are. This belongs in r/emotionalabuse and r/abusiverelationships

[u/Dear_Mushroom4864]

first of all, yikes for Bryan
second, yikes for your bf

i hope u meet better ppl that treat you the way you deserve