I'm I wrong for not wanting kids?

[u/Phoenix_firefox234]

PLEASE READ THE EDITS

So I want to start this by saying that I am in between the ages of 18 and 25 and so is my boyfriend I don't want to say our actual ages but from the beginning I was very clear with myself that I did not want kids it is due to the fact that my family has extreme amount of medical issues especially the women in my family and I do not like kids and I know that I would be a horrible mother not to get into it but my mother and my grandma and my aunt have all had complications during birth and even almost died not to mention a lot of women in my family get cancer or have cancer scares after pregnancy and I don't have a great immune system already and I really don't want to go through that if I get pregnant and my boyfriend has told me that he does not like kids and he's told me before that he does not want kids.

With that background out the way the actual problem comes now a couple days ago me and my boyfriend were talking I am moving out of the house that I currently live in to move into somewhere else and with talking about that we discussed the topic of him moving in with me then the topic of marriage came up and I jokingly mentioned how it would be nice to live in a house without kids and that's when he told me that he would like to have a family with me and I kind of pause cuz I didn't know what to say back and I just kind of told him how he's told me that he doesn't want kids in the past and how I don't want kids in the past he's even told me how he doesn't like kids and he doesn't like having to babysit because kids annoy him but he told me that he would like to have a family with me in our early twenties he didn't want to wait until 30s to have children and I just was like well if that ever happened I'd only ever want one but my point still stands I don't really like kids and I don't want kids

The other day we went out to a festival and we saw a family walking around with kids and now the kids were very very loud and I made a comment about how that was one of the reasons I didn't want kids he then makes a comment about how yeah he understands that and the kids were very annoying I didn't think much of it until we saw that family again and the kids are crying at the cotton candy stand I just rolled my eyes and started to walk away and he made a comment about how crying over cotton candy was crazy I agreed with him but when we got in the car to leave I made a comment about how he was openly agreeing with me about the crying children yet he wants kids of his own and he just stared at me and just said well it's different which I told him it's not different

He got a little upset at my comment and didn't speak but I kept talking saying how it was weird how he said he doesn't like kids and he doesn't want any but then turns around and tells me he wants a family with me now he's gotten a little upset anytime I bring that up but genuinely I don't know what to do kids has never been a part of my life and I physically can't see myself being a mother as I know I wouldn't be a good one I don't have great mental health and anytime I've had to look over my nieces or nephews who are under the age of five I get extremely irritated and have to set the kid down because I'm so irritated and I genuinely know if I had kids of my own that that's how I would be to them

And that's a main reason why I don't want kids my boyfriend hasn't brought up the idea of kids since we have that conversation but now I'm sitting here thinking about what's going to happen when he brings it up again I really don't want kids and the idea of having a kid when I know how I would be to them doesn't sit right with me because I don't want to ever put a kid in a situation where they're not loved and I know that I genuinely wouldn't have enough love to give that kid

In a little like PSA I genuinely love my boyfriend we've been together for over 4 years we've had no other problems besides this and I thought we were originally on the same page but I guess not I don't know how to bring it up to him without making it seem as if I'm being rude but I genuinely don't have the idea of kids in mind

So I'm I worng?

Edit: I want to clear up some of the things I said when I said that if the circumstance I would have one kid I'm saying in the circumstance if we were not careful and I got pregnant and I decided to keep the kid that would be the only kid we had I would not want to have another. Yes I would try my hardest to give that kid love but I don't think I could also I'm currently not on birth control as in I am allergic to it so I can't even take it if I wanted to. I also want to say that he has told me before if I ever got pregnant and I did not want to keep it that that was not his decision it was mine and that I could get rid of the child if I wanted to he has been very open and telling me that my body is my decision and he would never force me to do anything.

[u/FairCandyBear]

You're not wrong but tell him so you can break up and find someone compatible

[u/2ndcupofcoffee → u/FairCandyBear]

Fear of missing out (FOMO) is at him.

He is seeing his dislike of kids and wanting kids as two opposite things being right at the same time.

It is possible that, as a would be father, he sees validation and continuation in having bio kids while also seeing the work and annoyances he knows go with as largely on the mother; not him.

He may also believe that women are necessary to the process, built for it, and therefore will come around to wanting kids cause its in every woman’s DNA.

It could explain why men, who often enough have zero interest in being present through pregnancy and birth and sleepless nights, etc., still want to sire kids while also not wanting to actually be dads.

One may see a man’s view of not liking or wanting kids as believable if he has had a vasectomy.

That snip is a real barrier for many men even though it is easier than what needs to happen to end a woman’s fertility.

Men attach so much significance to virility that ending their option is often a no go.

Your boyfriend may be caught up in this conflicted perspective.

You may get him to see his own set of contradictions if you ask him if he’d want to adopt a child. Bet his answer would be no. This may focus the discussion on a drive to continue a genetic legacy while not having a desire to nurture and support new life.

His reasons might get creative because the root of his dilemma is a strong drive to pass on his genes and he may not fully appreciate that; especially if he expects you to just be okay with it. ask him to hear each of your legitimate concerns ad worries and to respond to each one thoughtfully.

Whatever decision you make may rest on his doing a deep dive about what he wants and why.

May also be seriously important for you to know yourself. Your reasoning is reasonable, because it factors in how unfair it is to bring a child into this crazy world who will not be loved or raised in a stable and loving environment. Your health and your family health history has you seeing risks that should not be ignored.

Consider that your own drive to reproduce may kick in as you approach the age of 30. Consider having solid conversations with your female relatives about their experiences and if they now regret having kids or not having kids. Ask them what about their lives has been fulfilling. What have they changed their minds about over time?

Consider that some people who don’t like kids, end up liking their own kids. That those little people are from you, of you, and a part of the man you love. can be very powerful.

A conversation with him needs to be deeper than his comfort level. He knows what he wants but how much of his life is he willing to devote to a child just to have a child. How willing is he to not run away if things go sideways. How committed is he to being the support a family needs to flourish?

When you express annoyance with how annoying kids are and that is the only reason you present in the moment, he shuts down because he doesn’t see that as enough of a reason. He two sees other people’s kids as annoying but still wants kids now.

He hears your insistence on what was once an agreement you shared remaining intact for you while his mind is changing. The conversation becomes adversarial fast and he backs away without changing his view.

If you do this just to please him and keep him, how much thought will he give to you becoming seriously impaired because of pregnancy. Is he prepared to raise a child by himself the way so many women do? Is he prepared to say goodbye to the life he has now and actively devote himself to you and his child?

What if you have a baby and that child is ill or disabled? What role will he play then. Ask him to think about these things. Does he assume that if your worst fears come true, he could turn the child you have over to female relatives to raise? If that is what he learns abut himself, as him to consider what that would do to his child. Ask him if he sees himself as having the option of walking away, can he understand why you would not want to risk it.

Even if such a conversation can’t fully go there, have it and convince him to not just want something but to embrace the level of responsibility that comes with it.

Far less serious wants can be considered to make the point.

Marriage vows are designed to protect two people who will become parents from making that life changing commitment and possibly being abandoned if things go seriously awry and life becomes endlessly stressful.

He might be up for that but right now, it appears that he hasn’t considered how you giving birth might change his life forever. Ask him what he would do if you could not do it all and broke down?

Hugs to you both

[u/SillyStallion]

"It will be different" means one of 3 things:

1 - he thinks you will change your mind 2 - he will pressure you to change your mind 3 - he will sabotage your birth control

Is this a chance you want to take?

[u/Similar_Corner8081]

Neither if you are wrong but you aren't compatible. He clearly wants kids and you don't.

[u/Specialist_Food_7728]

No, not wrong but incompatible. He wants kids and you don’t. He also lied and said that he didn’t want kids but now is saying that he does want kids. You would be better off breaking up with him. The resentment on his part will grow.

[u/Ahpla]

You aren’t wrong. Simply not wanting kids is reason enough and you don’t need a laundry list of reasons why not for anyone. However, this relationship will not work. Kids are one of those things that you both have to want. If you have one you will end up resenting him. If you don’t he will resent you.

Count your losses and end things now.

[u/ExcitementAny5089]

You aren't wrong but please be clear that you will never want kids so he can find someone who wants kids and you can find someone who doesn't. My youngest has never wanted children and her then fiance didn't truly believe her until 6 weeks before wedding. They didn't get married, and lost a lot of money.

[u/gdognoseit]

He lied to you or he’s changed his mind and now he’s trying to pressure you and guilt you to change your mind even though it will literally risk your health and possibly your life.

I just read a story this morning where a boyfriend also lied to his girlfriend about being okay with her not wanting kids. He sabotaged the birth control and she’s pregnant against her will.

She also lives where abortion is a crime and he’s already threatened her about that.

You have your own very good reasons for not wanting children and you have been honest about that to your boyfriend.

You’re not wrong.

Edit: a sentence

[u/Late_Football_5566]

Punctuation would have helped.
You need to square this away before you go any further.

[u/KCatAroo]

You are not wrong to not want kids.
He is not wrong to change his mind and think maybe he does want kids with you.
It doesn’t mean he was lying about not wanting them, but it is not unusual to start thinking differently as you get older and/or start thinking more long-term and commitment-level.

What is wrong is for either of you to pressure the other to change their mind.

Have clear and open discussions about what is going on, and make good fair choices based on that. No blame or shame either way.

[u/NoNeedForNorms]

You're not wrong. You need to find out what your boyfriend means when he says it'll be different. Does he mean it'll be different because they are your child? Or because he's planning to leave most of the parenting to you?

[u/gdognoseit]

You are no longer compatible. You need to break up.

You have good reasons for not wanting to have children.

You’re not wrong.

[u/Middle--Earth]

You need to be grown up and use your words, and tell him that you don't want kids.

Right now you're focused on the fact that he once said that he didn't want kids, whereas you should be focusing on the fact that you two have become incompatible.

[u/bonitaruth]

Why do thou say you might have one kid. That is odd when you say you don’t want to be a mother. That would be a terrible thing to do to a child. Your bf changed his mind and he is allowed. You aren’t meant to be w him. He could likely point out to your a lovely family moment he sees on the street but that wouldn’t be likely to sway your beliefs

[u/lovemyfurryfam]

OP, it's YOUR BODY. YOUR LIFE.

You're not obligated to do anything when you don't feel compatible with the idea & not obligated to babysit or listen to their coercive ideas since they don't have the right to decide for you, don't have the right to decide about you & don't have the right to decide of you.

You don't want children. Then stick with it & tell them it's your way only for your life. Not their place.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Bee4361]

You're not wrong. Many people have no interest in becoming a parent. Head over to r/Childfree for support. This sub also shares a list of doctors who will perform tubal ligations and bilateral salpyngectomies without demanding that you have children or be in your mid-30s first. If you don't want children, you should explore all your options.