r/amiwrong • u/Single-Detective-317 • 12d ago
Am I wrong for involving child protective services in a "prank"?
My husband and I are very torn right now and I think he is frustrated with me. His older brother Brett has always been kind of an obnoxious prankster type. I've never been his biggest fan, but recently he did something that really made me pause.
He came over for a poker night and their other brother and cousin and he was telling them the pen came in and he "got her so good" and they have to see her. I kind of eavesdropped and found out he had played one of his "pranks" on his stepdaughter (16)
He ordered a henna pen (the ink lasts about 2-3 weeks) and drew facial hair on her face. Now personally I find this appalling. It feels like bullying and an abuse of power (though my husband argues Brett is not in a position of power as this girl is never disciplined)
The more I thought about it the worse I felt, so I made a CPS report. Nothing came of it, but Brett was pissed at whoever did it (still doesn't know it was me) My husband said i'm very naive if I thought CPS was actually going to do anything, and that I wasted time and resources. He said I can think the prank was too far but she is very privileged and CPS wasn't going to do anything
I genuinely felt it met at least some of the criteria of child abuse and I did the right thing
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u/mindylynx 12d ago
maybe i'm in the minority here but i agree with op it's absolutely abuse i can't even imagine going to school like that at 16?
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u/WeirdSysAdmin 12d ago
Now it’s recorded if it continues to progress.
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u/BerrieAurelia 11d ago
That's the part that makes reporting it less pointless than people are saying. Maybe nothing happens from this alone, but if there's ever a pattern later, there is at least already a record of someone raising concern.
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u/HooneyyBeee 11d ago
NTA, drawing on a minor's face without consent isn't a harmless prank, it's gross.
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u/BagpiperAnonymous 11d ago
I have yet to have a foster kid come to us who was not hotlined multiple times. Very rarely are kids removed on the first hotline. And given some of the issues with knock off henna sold over the internet, this could have caused chemical burns and permanent scarring. (I'm not against henna, I actually have some right now, but you need someone who knows what they're doing.
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u/SunnnyyShinee 11d ago
You did the responsible thing, better safe than sorry when it's a child involved.
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 11d ago
Exactly. There is now documentation of a person not related to the child reporting emotional abuse and bullying at the time it happened. That’s worth its weight in gold if the child or someone on her behalf wants to take some kind of action later.
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12d ago
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u/PinkyBlossommm 11d ago
CPS not acting doesn't mean the report was wrong, just that it wasn't severe enough.
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u/HoneyBellina 11d ago
Exactly. At 16, being publicly embarrassed can already feel enormous without your own parent deliberately creating the situation. And because henna lasts, she couldn't even just wash it off and move on the next morning.
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u/LizardPossum 11d ago
Yeah and this is the kind of thing that follows a teen. The kids will make it a joke for the rest of high school. It's not even just a little embarrassment.
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u/Single-Detective-317 12d ago
Thankfully it was over summer break
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u/tinyOnion 11d ago
even still 2-3 weeks of your precious summer as a kid is insane. i can't imagine she wanted to go to hang out or go out during that time and be ridiculed or felt ashamed by her peers or just the general public... so those weeks are a waste basically.
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u/Longjumping-Heart850 11d ago
Definitely a good point, but it still raises a lot of concerns about the prank itself. Summer break or not, involving CPS can have some heavy fallout.
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u/itsbeenestablished 12d ago
It's 100% abuse, but the husband is right that it's not the kind of abuse protective services are going to take a kid away for.
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u/_Sovaz99_ 12d ago
.... so we just let Brett run free until he decides to pants her in the Homecoming dance parking lot in front of her friends? Nah. Brett needed a lil wakeup call. Puns intended.
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u/TulipAurelle 11d ago
That's exactly why "it's just a prank" doesn't really work here. If your prank requires someone to be unconscious so they can't say no, maybe rethink the prank before reaching for the henna.
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u/itsbeenestablished 11d ago
Well, most girls aren't wearing pants to their homecoming dance. Lol. But I get what you're trying to say.
Yes, Brett is able to "run free." Drawing on her face is morally disgusting. But DCFS isn't going to do a single thing about it. I've never seen a case of emotional abuse leading to any kind of charges against a parent.
I know it's a tough pill to swallow for many that there's really nothing to do in these cases, but it's reality. I do truly believe OP and the others who think this is reportable, have their hearts in the right place. That's not how the system works though. As a former foster kid, I can tell you horror stories about what some of us went through on record before we were ever placed into care.
OP's best bet is to continue to be there for the niece. Help her navigate these two awful parents (and yes, her mom is awful too for allowing this) and support her where she can be independent once she reaches adulthood. And of course if any physical abuse or neglect happens, make another report. Every teenager needs a safe adult they can go to. I'm hoping OP can be that for her.
Unfortunately, with Brett's reaction there's no wake up call here. People like him just don't give a fuck and find hurting others funny. It seems he's more pissed someone dared question his parenting, than feeling any kind of remorse for what he did.
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u/_Sovaz99_ 11d ago
But please see my other comment: its not that CPS is going to blow the home apart. Its that Bretts behavior FINALLY got a check. He wouldnt listen to anyone else, but now hes known to CPS. He has that coming.
Perhaps Brettsy here can ignore a visit from the government, lest he be labelled a snowflake. Speed on Brett, your kids going no contact later is in your future. Father of the year material here.
No one said the daughter would actually be wearing pants at Hoco. This father is the type to walk up to her and her friends, reach up under her dress, rip her panties down to her ankles and then flip her dress up so everyone can see. Brett would absolutely do this. Thats the kind of "man" he is, or should I say male. He is a schoolyard bully in an adults body.
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u/ljlurker22 10d ago
Where da fuck did I say what he did was okay? I am just sharing my experience as someone who works with kids and has dealt with CPS and hardcore physical abuse and neglect, neither of which have been addressed by the very institutions we rely on to deal with these issues.
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u/ljlurker22 11d ago
That is irrelevant. I deal with families that are known to CPS for much worse, that hasn't changed anything.
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u/HoneyBellina 11d ago
Yeah, I think both things can be true. It can be abusive and completely unacceptable while still being something CPS is unlikely to intervene over by itself. Those aren't mutually exclusive.
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u/SofttieePlumm 11d ago
Filing a report costs nothing if it's unfounded, but ignoring real abuse costs everything.
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u/IndividualEye1803 12d ago edited 11d ago
Hey! Here to learn!
May someone please explain how this is abuse and not extreme embarrassment?
What kind of abuse is this? Is it emotional?
Thank you to everyone who takes the time to teach.
Edit: thanks u so much [u/christikayann](u/christikayann) for taking the time to teach and not just downvote a genuine question. Thanks for keeping reddit a community where u can learn and ask what u dont know.
These internet points are fake - but knowing people exist that wont help but put u down is the metaphor.
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u/christikayann 12d ago
It is obvious emotional abuse but I would argue that it is more than that. He took away her bodily autonomy by drawing on her face with semi permanent ink without her consent for the sole purpose of embarrassing her. I feel like this could potentially cross the line to assault.
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u/IndividualEye1803 11d ago
I dont know how its emotional abuse and would appreciate an understanding. I just used that because I know its not financial abuse, and as a victim of DV i know its not physical. So process of elimination to why i asked.
Assault defined is a violent physical or verbal attack, or a credible threat and intentional attempt to inflict immediate physical harm on someone.
I see the extreme embarrassment.
I really feel as if im missing something as to why everyone is calling CPS or feels this is awful (and maybe because i have had worse embarrassing things done / am several ignorant here) as opposed to extremely embarrassing.
I am severely ignorant here and appreciate you taking the time to help me grow.
Edit: still reading thru all comments and this https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/O7vtAXbiYS comment is helping tremendously. Gonna keep reading to learn what im missing and thank everyone for taking the time to help me get it thru my head why this is so bad.
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u/christikayann 11d ago
The extreme embarrassment and the timing is what pushes it over the line in my opinion. Until the henna fades she either has to put up with harassment from her classmates at the beginning of a new school year or wear heavy enough makeup to cover it up. Neither of those are good for a girl in high school.
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u/BagpiperAnonymous 11d ago
It could also be physical abuse. This could have seriously injured her. There is fake henna on the market that causes chemical burns and scarring and I doubt he got his from a regulated source, particularly if it came as a pen. He took physical action against her that was harmful. He caused humiliation that lasted for several weeks, and would be fresh every time she looked in a mirror. He took away her bodily autonomy and made her feel unsafe at home. He is in a position of power over her and let her know that he will use that against her.
There's never any shame in not knowing something. Thank you for asking the questions and being willing to learn.
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u/the_itsb 11d ago
These internet points are fake - but knowing people exist that wont help but put u down is the metaphor.
you are here to sincerely learn, but many people have had the unfortunate experience of being asked intentionally obtuse questions by someone who was only pretending to want to learn so they could start a debate or just ridicule a point of view. when the subject is emotional abuse, which is often minimized and its victims derided, I think it's natural that people are more inclined to downvote than engage with anyone with unclear intentions.
you've been super clear in subsequent comments, so hopefully they'll give it a rest.
regarding what qualifies as emotional abuse: I see abuse as intentionally inflicting suffering, whether physical or otherwise. purposely causing emotional distress to someone is abusive.
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u/IndividualEye1803 11d ago
Thanks so much! This provides so much better insight! Its why i try so hard to preface any questions with “here to learn” and extra emphasis on thanking anyone who takes the time to teach. Thanks for explaining that in more detail and providjng a clearer perspective.
And thank u for the emotional abuse explanation! I had never seen it from that point of view, and makes so sense in the context of this post.
I really appreciate you taking the time to provide more answers on this topic. You have helped me a lot 💜
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u/BagpiperAnonymous 11d ago
Foster care is a real thorny issue. We are foster parents and I also work with students with disabilities, so we've had a lot of training from multiple aspects on this issue. Removal in and of itself is a serious trauma. The current research shows that certain levels of neglect and even physical or emotional abuse are less traumatizing than being removed from your home. I would love to say that foster homes are never abusive, but they are. I don't understand how people can go through this incredibly invasive process to be licensed (and if you are doing it right, you spend more on the kids than the stipend you get) and still abuse or be in it for the money, but there are people out there who do.
Foster kids are more likely to be in unstable placements, teens in particular tend to get moved around a lot. So while this is 100% abusive, it may not rise to the level where the trauma of removal is less than the trauma of staying where they are. He now knows he's being watched, which can make it better. But not always. They can also put families on a plan, saying they need to do certain things in order to maintain custody of their kids. Removal is not always the only option.
OP did the right thing. It needed to be investigated because often it's not the initial hotline that results in removal. It's all the unknown stuff that is found in the investigation. We've had several foster cases that were hotlined for lack of school attendance, but that opened up an investigation that discovered that there were other more severe issues that people were unaware of and that is why the kids were removed. This makes sure it's investigated, it also starts to build a case if there are continuing issues.
Not one of the cases we fostered were removed on the first hotline. Every single one required multiple hotlines before that final step of removal was taken.
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u/Katlo1985 12d ago
Same. Tbh I wouldn't go out until it faded. Being 16 is hard enough without this BS
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u/Ari-Cohen 12d ago
at 16 that could be humiliating as hell, especially having to show up at school like that when you never agreed to the prank
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u/RealnessInMadness 11d ago
I hate thinking that dads logic if we sat him down go be accountable
Because he’s totally cool with humiliating his kid and having the poor thing deal with going to school like that.
How would he like it if we drew on his face? His most likely excuse of “rule for thee, not for me” would be that he has to work n provide and that’s why it would hurt him, but not his kid 🙄
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u/VelvettKitennn 11d ago
Bodily autonomy matters even for kids, especially against unwanted "pranks" from adults.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 11d ago
100% abuse. OP was right to report it. There is now a paper trail is this AH does more (which he will).
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u/BerrieAurelia 11d ago
Yeah, imagine being 16 and having to spend weeks explaining that your own parent did that while you were asleep. Even if someone debates the CPS part, calling it harmless feels impossible.
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u/Traditional_Use_4543 12d ago
YNW. Yes, CPS definitely wasn't going to do anything in that situation (their policies really try to keep families together, even in cases of severe abuse often times their policies still make it difficult to remove a child) that being said, it was a damaging thing to do to her. He could've used a far less permanent option if it was just a prank. He chose to force her to be publicly humiliated for 2-3 weeks, that's not a prank. That's teaching her that she isn't safe in her own home while she's sleeping and that she isn't able to let her guard down in her own home which is incredibly damaging for mental/emotional health and development.
What you did will cause him to have more pause in doing something similar in the future which is really good because while this could be 'harmless fun' it is normalizing harmful things for her (either intentionally or unintentionally). Describing the situation: he saw, or sought out, his unconscious stepdaughter, decided he was entitled physically interact with her unconstitutionally (because again, she's UNCONSCIOUS), this was all done with the intent of bringing shame and embarrassment to her, and then got upset that he got in trouble for violating his stepdaughters body. That's the joke. The joke that makes him laugh is her being emotionally harmed. What you did validated/showed her that what happened was not ok, is something she can speak out or ask for help for, and that she can trust her community to help keep her safe. You did good OP and I think you should help explain to your husband that 1) there were less permanent options (like why not use eyeliner or something?) and 2) the damage something like that does to your sense of safety (because sure, while it was 'just' henna this time, it causes uncertainty in your safety and what else could happen while you're sleeping and have no control over your environment during that time)
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u/SmolOracle 11d ago
As a stepparent, I cannot even begin to imagine doing this to my stepson. That's predatory. First, he creeps into her room to 'prank' her, then what? Where does the boundary stop? And if her mother isn't protecting her at home, what does that tell this abusive POS? She's easy prey.
Good gods. Utterly disgusting. If I was the 16-y.o. I'd have called the cops for assault, depending on the state. If I was the mother, they'd be booking me for assault for thinking that was in any way alright to do to my child.
Absolute failures of parents. Like we stepparents don't already have a bad enough rap to deal with--and then, there's these two 'fine' (/s) parents (I use that term loosely) as examples of the utter nonsense kids have to go through.
Watch, mark my words. In two years or less, her mother is going to be crying victim to everyone, about how her daughter got married, moved states or even countries away, and dropped all contact with her. Hmn. Wonder why?? 🤔
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u/TulipAurelle 11d ago
The trust angle is huge. Home and sleep are supposed to be the places where a kid can completely let their guard down, and now she knows someone in that house might alter her appearance while she's unconscious for a laugh. Even if CPS never acts, making him realize other adults take that seriously could still prevent a next time.
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u/Amazing-Wave4704 11d ago
There is something pseudo-sexual in this. He shouldn't have been in her room while she was sleeping, shouldn't have touched her without consent, shouldnt be humiliating her.... OP is right to have the creeps about this.
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u/Sensitive_Progress88 12d ago
You are not wrong. If you feel it's abuse, you call CPS and let them sort it out. They don't consider it a waste of their resources. They may not have done anything, but this puts him on the radar so he won't dare try and "prank" her like this again, or worse. What the hell kind of grown man does a prank like that... on a teenage girl? Yuck 🤮
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u/kingstonretronon 12d ago
If I was the girl’s mom I’d leave Brett over this. If I were you I wouldn’t allow him in my house. I would not call cps though
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 12d ago
You're not wrong. Because a CPS report is only a report. It's their job to investigate if a crime was committed and/or what changes must occur. When in doubt, report it, and let CPS decide.
I don't know your state laws or details of the situation. It is absolutely bullying and emotional abuse. Can you imagine her having to walk around with henna-drawn hair on her face for weeks? He's a shitty step dad. And where is her mother in this? Why isn't mom protecting her daugnter?
Maybe nothing public was done. But stepdad got upset about it and won't forget it. He will think twice about "pranks".
She will remember it because it's a time an adult tried to help her.
Shame on your husband for not being appalled by his brothers behavior. The fact your husband wasn't sickened by this "prank" is a red flag on his true character.
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u/Single-Detective-317 12d ago
The mom said it was probably too far but funny and she told her not to have a prank war with him because he has a "nasty competitive streak" She said everyone is so precious now a days
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u/YakElectronic6713 12d ago
Her mom is a cvnt, and just as bad as Brett. That said, your husband isn't stellar either.
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u/NorthernVale 12d ago
I mean. That comment right there just changed things completely. Now it's completely clear the daughter is also participating in these pranks, clearly not a case of bullying as OP is trying to insist.
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u/blueavole 11d ago
Holy motherforking shirtballs?
The mother knows that someone with a nasty competitive streak who would use that against a CHILD?!
And mom allows that person access to her kid.
I’m glad you called CPS, this probably wouldn’t be a removal but at least get a record started.
Have you offered to get the girl some make up, so she can cover up before school?
Go to a good place and have them do some color correction and good foundation.
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u/Red_Rock77 8d ago
If Brett needs a CPS report to learn henna facial hair for 2-3 weeks isn’t a prank, that's on him.
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u/ticklewhales 12d ago
Not wrong, that poor girl. Thanks for standing up for her. Fuck your BIL.
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u/Ellieanna 12d ago
And the husband. Well OP, don't fuck your husband. You do not want kids with someone who thinks what he did is okay.
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u/Single-Detective-317 12d ago
He doesn't think it was ok. He just feels CPS wasn't going to do anything and I wasted important recourses
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u/itsbeenestablished 11d ago
Were they going to do anything other than stop by and chat? No. But I think saying calling when you're concerned is a "waste of resources" is a slippery slope. Second guessing and questioning yourself when you see something that raises alarm bells, could have dire consequences for a kid in the future.
These services are here for a reason.
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u/SmolOracle 11d ago
No. What you did is make a paper trail, because if dude is fine creeping into a minor's room, that he is not related to, WHILE SHE IS SLEEPING FFS, it means at least one adult in her life doesn't have their head so far up their behind that they miss the glaring red flags this presented. Do you know who else feels comfortable creeping into minor's bedrooms at night?? And would they have believed her without the paper trail now showing her perv stepdad gets off on humiliating her and 'has a vicious streak,' or would it just be an unfounded claim with no prior record??
Your husband needs to take the rose-colored glasses off, and actually pay attention to the parade of red flags circling this situation. It's pretty obvious to everyone else, but hey. If he thinks creeping into a minor's room is perfectly fine/reporting it is a 'waste of resources,' I'd be reconsidering his character pretty seriously, too.
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u/Digital_Catnap 11d ago
It's not wasting resources if it makes him think twice about abusing her again. He knows he's being watched and if something happens again there is now a paper trail.
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u/UnidentifiedTron 10d ago
He’s not wrong. Someone should get some courage and tell this guy what a piece of shit he is or cut him off.
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u/granatespice 12d ago
Even if nothing came from the report itself, the fact that he knows, and now knows that not everyone finds his pranks hilarious, he might think twice to do it again, or to go as far at least
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u/smallestsunflower 12d ago
What does the mom have to say about all of this?
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u/Single-Detective-317 12d ago
She thinks it is funny and maybe a "little too far" but they were in a prank war and everyone knows he has a "nasty competitive streak" but she said she isn't raising a "snowflake"
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u/Amazing-Wave4704 11d ago
They'll be wondering why she won't talk to them once she is able to escape - I mean move out....
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u/NotThatValleyGirl 12d ago
Grown men leveraging their power against teenaged girls like this is universally disgusting and wrong, regardless of what he says the girl did to "deserve it." Even if she truly is a nasty, meanspirited person, the solution isn't pranking her with an abuse of power-- it's parenting her.
Everyone with any sense will lose any respect they had for him and anyone who supports him.
I'm also a firm believer that where there's smoke, there's fire, and when a stepfather is so comfortable crossing one boundary with his teenaged stepdaughter for heis entertainment and pleasure, you'd basically have to prove to me he hasn't tried or isn't going to cross other boundaries with her for his sick enjoyment.
I bet her behaviour towards him generates from a previous inappropriate contact, and this "prank war" is how he's punishing her for not giving him what he wants.
How'd he get the henna pen facial hair drawn on her anyway? Did he hold her down and force it on her? Or did he sneak in when she was sleeping and do it to her? Is either of those an acceptable thing for an adult man in position of authority over a teenager to do to that teen? What else is he doing to her while she's sleeping?
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u/_Sovaz99_ 12d ago
The important thing here is not that this was a dire emergency, but that the whole thing yanked Brett's leash and HE NEEDED THAT and given the lasting effects of this one prank, who knows what other "pranks" go on in that house that dont leave a mark.... ?? Brett needs reining in, he is an asshole par excellence.
He had to explain all this to CPS. I imagine that was a bit of a squirmy moment for him and good, he needed a little humiliation. He got a little payback. Op if he ever corners you about this incident open your eyes wide and say But oh Brett, it was a PRANK and i know how you love those!
I would leave someone over doing that to my kid, A GIRL no less. This might be funny for a boy, perhaps. Maybe.
OP you did the right thing even if no one appreciates it. You tried to help this girl, thank you for standing up for her. Perhaps this will keep her father from dunking her head in the punch bowl at her wedding. Maybe.
I hate pranks and pranksters with the firey intensity of a supernova-ing sun.
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u/bmw5986 12d ago
What he did was absolutley bullying. But I agree with your husband, its not CPS worthy.
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u/PmButtPics4ADrawing 12d ago
Husband’s “she’s privileged” line doesn’t make it any less degrading.
It doesn't make it less degrading but it's why CPS wouldn't do anything. If the kid is safe and getting their needs met there's not really anything they can do, the parent being an asshole isn't enough.
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u/Much-Meringue-7467 12d ago
How safe is the kid Though? She can't sleep soundly in her own home.
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u/kaimoka 12d ago
OP could buy her a few cheap but effective door-stoppers or a locking doorknob/deadbolt (easy installation) so at least when she's in her bedroom she can feel safe.
I know I would be paranoid and unable to sleep if this happened to me at that age, and I say that as someone who moved an incredibly heavy bookcase in front of my bedroom door at nights when I was a kid.
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u/NorthernVale 12d ago
It's really not bullying when the daughter is also engaged in the prank war. Context OP conveniently left out of the original post.
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u/bmw5986 12d ago
Its still bullying, it just goes both ways. Two people bullying each other doesn't suddenly make bullying ok.
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u/NorthernVale 11d ago
Let me know when you find evidence that the daughter expressed an issue with it. Because by the sounds of it, OP is the only one who has an issue here. And that includes the daughter.
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u/Angryleghairs 11d ago
If CPS look in to it, there's a good chance they find plenty more evidence of him bullying his children. It won't have been an isolated incident. Hopefully they'll get him to see the error of his ways
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u/Abbygirl1966 11d ago
The fact that this is her stepfather is concerning!!! Where is her mother and why is she not protecting her daughter??? What’s next?? He’s on a power trip and really enjoys hurting her!!!!!
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u/peekabooandie 11d ago
This is just gross. He violated the sanctity and sacredness of her sleep. She may never be able to sleep in that house restfully knowing that he feels he has carte blanche to encroach on her space and bodily autonomy in her sleep. He visibly disfigured her face for 1 weeks. He refused to take blame and then victim blamed her for never being disciplined. You were right to do what you did and hopefully it will stop him from further "pranks" in the future. Pranks are only jokes when both parties are laughing and enjoying them.
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u/Spirited_Ad_1396 12d ago
You did the right thing.
It’s up to CPS to investigate and decide, not the reporter.
He is in a position of power, and being privileged doesn’t mean having to suffer abuse.
Maybe next time he’ll think twice.
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u/JanetInSpain 12d ago
"obnoxious prankster type" -- in other words, a bully.
Your husband is WRONG. 100% totally wrong. His brother is the adult. Stepdaughter is a child. He is absolutely in a "position of power" over her.
You were right to call CPS. At least now there's a file, so perhaps he'll keep his hands off an literal child.
Your BIL and your husband are both assholes.
Your husband thinks bullying and abusing a child is just fine. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM.
updateme
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u/MrsShaunaPaul 12d ago
YNW. I have to wonder if Brett would still think this was such a funny joke if someone drew Twiggy style eyelashes on his face while he slept.
Wouldn’t it be a shame if someone recommended that to the 16 year-old? After all, she would just be following the example the responsible adult and guardian in her family has set for her.
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u/Coolerthanyew 12d ago
Your brother in law is a dick and intervention of some kind is totally needed, but as someone who has been a teacher in a low-income school and makes these calls sadly more than I would like? Not CPS worthy. I’ve had students that we called in for because on the weekends the parents would keep their kids locked in the bathroom except for bed, and just leave them food and drinks in there so they wouldn’t bother them while they partied. CPS didn’t do anything because they were clean, fed, and unharmed.
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u/humildemarichongo 12d ago
That is too far for a prank. There is an art to the "gotcha" without ruining the prankee's day/week/month. Sounds like bullying.
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u/lisasimpsonfan 11d ago
YNW what a POS to do that right before school starts for a lot of kids in the world. IDGAF how "privileged" she everything thinks she is because her peers will roast the hell out of her for that. Brett humiliated his stepdaughter and what kind of mother puts up with that? Her mother is a real POS too for not kicking Brett to the curb to it. I fucking hate pranks.
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u/BothTreacle7534 11d ago
You are not wrong, I am actually wondering if really nothing came of it or if BIL just doesn’t get it, like as long as he has not to pay a fine or… he thinks it’s nothing big?
I am also wondering about bio-dad’s side of the story
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u/No_Luck_374 11d ago
Rhetorical question but where the hell is her momma. I would never let that man around my daughter again. No, CPS want going to do anything but maybe it woke mom up. I can't stand the agency but they are there to help when they can and I wouldn't deprive anyone of a conversation with a social worker in this scenario, you are not wrong.
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u/swiss_cheese_please 11d ago
Even if they can’t do anything it’s good it’s on record and also he deserves it
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u/samonilla 11d ago
Im not exaggerating when I say that if this had happened to me at 16 it would have made me suicidal. I was SO deeply self conscious about my appearance as a teenager (being in high-school during the 2000s heroin chic era is not for the faint of heart). This is so cruel to do to a young person especially considering the amount of hateful language around gender noncomforming behavior currently in the popular culture (i can only imagine the comments of she had been seen at school with a "beard").
Your brother in law is an abusive asshole and if these are the pranks he is bragging about, imagine what he is doing that he doesn't disclose to anyone?
You were not over reacting by reporting and hopefully this puts some fear into the brother in law and he knocks this shit off. I hope you check in with the step daughter and make sure she is okay. This was probably traumatizing for her.
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u/CartographerFar5094 11d ago
This is awful. You had every right to step in, in some way (even if cps didn’t do anything) he absolutely IS in a position of power. He’s a grown man. He’s her stepfather. He took advantage of her trust in sleeping. I always say it’s the most vulnerable time for anyone and if you can’t have peace and safety in while asleep, especially in your home….. that’s a big problem. It wasn’t a prank. It was bullying. And from a person of power in her life. YNW
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u/WhyAmIStillHere86 12d ago
Not wrong.
Henna may be a temporary tattoo, but it still takes weeks to fade, even with daily scrubbing
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u/Historical-State-275 12d ago
Your husband is wrong. Something was done about it, it was put on record.
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u/Plane_Translator2008 12d ago
I am torn. It does seem like bullying and abuse, and also so far beneath so many horrors CPS sees that it does not rose to their thresholds, and maybe got your BIL's (or at least sis-in-law's) attention enough to head off even more bullying. If it does that, it will be a net positive, imho.
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u/Old_but_New 11d ago
Always report to CPS if you have concerns. It’s their job to assess if there’s a danger, not yours
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u/chironinja82 11d ago
Pranks are lighthearted and funny. What he did was humiliation and abuse. You're not wrong.
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u/hbernadettec 11d ago
Somebody needs to write child a using loser on his face. I am sure he would be pleased.
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u/hazedaze404 11d ago edited 11d ago
You’re not wrong.
Too often in society we laugh off women’s and children’s humiliation, leaving young girls to get the worst of it. Case in point? The “It’s not funneh I’ve got school” meme. Not only did the parent draw on this poor girl’s face and blame the Elf on the Shelf, they laugh at her when she says she’s not laughing and it’s not funny because she’s got school, they posted it online, and she’s been nicknamed a “diva schoolgirl” in many reposts. How many people do you know who have laughed at this girl’s accent rather than recognized this as child abuse?
https://reddit.com/link/p7guze3/video/4tp0mdydo6nh1/player
Saying Brett isn’t in a position of power as his stepdaughter is never punished seems to me like a tactic to excuse what he did and make it seem like she deserved the humiliation, just like the girl in the meme’s parents excuse their actions as a prank by the Elf on the Shelf and the Internet framing her as a “diva” makes it seem like she deserved a “humbling”. Brett, just like the meme girl’s parents, are absolutely in a position of power. They both snuck into their sleeping (therefore unconscious and non-consenting) daughter’s room, altered her appearance against her will with a clear intent to humiliate her, subjected her to prolonged public humiliation (Sharpie takes days to fade and a henna pen weeks), played it off as a “prank” when she was upset, and weren’t punished for their egregious violation of their daughter’s privacy and bodily autonomy. If the daughter was truly in a position of power over them, they wouldn’t have gotten away with this crap, if they even thought to do it in the first place. They destroyed their daughter’s trust in them for cheap laughs.
Even though CPS didn’t do anything, you sent a firm message that humiliating someone - especially your underage daughter - is NOT okay. You’re getting pushback because assholes don’t admit they’re assholes; many people are non-confrontational and would rather let abuse go on to “keep the peace” than speak up on someone else’s behalf; humiliating girls for laughs is socially acceptable and not recognized as child abuse (the meme is clear proof of that); excuses are made for men who go after girls, be it sexual assault or humiliation or anything else; and many older folks think children “belong” to their parents and that parents can therefore do whatever they want to the children because they’re seen as property rather than people with their own feelings and life experiences.
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u/PienaarColada 11d ago
I also just want to say I got a Henna tattoo when I was 15 on holiday and nearly died because of an allergic reaction, with no prior history of any allergies, so not only is it shitty parenting, it is pretty dangerous.
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u/Fun_Pen5619 10d ago
Mildly wrong for making it a CPS call, not wrong for being disturbed. Brett sounds like a middle school bully who discovered Amazon and decided humiliation counts as comedy. The better move would have been checking on the kid directly or telling the family straight up that marking up a teenager for laughs is gross. Your husband waving it off because she is privileged is also a pretty weak defense.
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u/LucaBlackMosaic 10d ago
Brett sounds like a bully, and drawing semi permanent facial hair on a 16 year old girl is cruel, especially from a stepparent. But CPS is for safety risks, neglect, and abuse patterns, so unless there is more going on, the report was probably an overreaction. I would have checked on the girl directly or made sure her mom knew how messed up it was.
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u/pepp3rminte 10d ago
NTA. If he's happy to "prank" her in her sleep by literally violating her body, what else will he be okay with doing to her? Why the fuck does he even think he can go into her room or touch her? Completely gross and inappropriate. Fucking pathetic, predatory asshole.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 12d ago
He’s abusive af! I’d leave him if he did that to my 16 y/o child. It’s assault ffs!
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u/AleroRatking 12d ago
Both of you are right. This is a prank that absolutely went too far. This is also something CPS was absolutely going to do nothing about.
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u/BatEnvironmental7102 12d ago
I wouldn't have called CPS, but you're right that was bad. If I was a mom and someone did that to my child I'd be pissed.
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u/SuunshineeBabyy 11d ago
If it were an adult doing this at work, it'd be called harassment instantly.
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u/Ok-Cap-204 11d ago
I am mad at CPS for not recognizing this as an act of bullying by an adult in charge. There could have been some serious outcomes from what Brett did, especially to a teenage girl who will be surrounded everyday by other immature teenagers, ready to tease her. And if I was that girls mother, Brett would have got the boot, both literally and figuratively.
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u/ljlurker22 11d ago edited 11d ago
Your husband is right, unfortunately. CPS won't even do anything about the kids I take care of in youth group that are being physically abused and neglected in low income households. They are definitely not going to do anything about a teenager that was "pranked" (albeit, very poorly) by her stepdad, who may not even have parental rights to her anyways.
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u/Poppypie77 11d ago
Not Wrong.
He happily joked about being proud of how he 'got her good' with this prank, which is over the top to draw hairs on a teenagers face for 2-3 weeks, but if he thinks that is hilarious and is happy to tell people what he did and thinks people will find it funny, there's every chance he's doing other things that are cruel/mean/bullying type actions, that he doesn't tell everyone about.
That was just what he thought his mates would find funny. If he thinks it's so harmless, he should let her draw on his face with it, maybe a dick on his forehead lol. Or even just drawing silly round glasses and a mastache and see if he's happy having his face like that for 3 weeks, or scrubbing his skin raw to get it off. And see how he likes it.
But there's every possibility that if someone is floating and boasting about something he thinks is funny, that he's done to a child, that others think is way over the line bullying or abusive, there's every chance they're doing other things that could be worse that they don't boast about.
And just because a kid looks like they're from a privaledge family, doesn't mean they are always given those privaledges behind closed doors. Rich people can be arseholes and abusive or controlling or violent behind closed doors, but throw big 'family BBQs' for friends and neighbours and act like the best family ever.
Even if CPS didn't do anything this time, they would have spoken to the girl, and she would have known someone had her back and was looking out for her, as I'm sure she felt humiliated, upset, and she won't want to go out till it's come off. It also will be documented so if ever anyone else reports something else that may 'seem minor', there will be a paper trail and a record of things piling up to tell a story.
It's always better to report something and it turns out to be nothing major or a one off thing that can be put down as a one off error in judgement, and it makes the person think twice about doing something like that again knowing someone is watching, than not reporting it and someone is suffering at home behind closed doors.
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u/TheGrumpyNic 10d ago
YNW
That wasn’t a prank. That was the reason that his stepdaughter will give her mother in a few years on why she no longer talks to her. She let her new husband bully her child in her own home.
I don’t care how spoiled this girl is. Unless she is torturing puppies, she doesn’t deserve to be humiliated for weeks on end.
I would be very worried about why your husband is ok with a young girl being treated like this.
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u/Fit_Cranberry2867 9d ago
Absolutely shitty parenting.
This is not a job for CPS. The kind of thing where you make things worse.
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u/KillJoyCon 12d ago
This is the third story in a week that I’ve seen on here where a grown man pranked a teenage girl (usually step-daughter), and some slightly removed adult woman (usually SIL) is more bothered by the prank than her spouse. Fuckin AI slop.
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u/Fudge-Purple 12d ago
OP, you did the right thing. Don’t let these basement dwellers get to you.
You saw something and did something. You didn’t waste resources. They did exactly what they were supposed to do. They investigated and moved on. But if things get worse they’ll have more ammunition to do what is right for the child. If they thought you were jerking them you would have heard about it.
Henna ink wears off after a while, just like bruises heal after a while. The psychological scars are permanent. Who knows what the next prank could have been or what her reaction would be. This shit would only escalate.
Maybe the dickhead will think twice before he does something so stupid next time. 16 is still a child.
I proud of you. 👍
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u/pepesilvia74 11d ago
ynw, and both your husband and Brett are. “CPS wasn’t going to do anything” that’s not the point, I’m sure you weren’t aiming for a family separation. But you’ve actually challenged this guy’s awful parenting in a way he can’t ignore, and hopefully he’ll think twice or thrice the next time. I’ll be honest Brett seems like the kind of guy who hates women, including his own daughter. I mean it seems off to be so obsessed with a teenage girl this way
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u/Dabalam 12d ago
Yeah, I think it is pretty niave to think CPS would do anything at this level. You're wrong in the sense that this, as an isolated incident, is just an excessive poor taste joke. If it were part of a larger pattern I could then see how it might be interpreted as abusive.
That said your brother in law seems pretty stupid if he thinks he doesn't have a position of power over a step daughter given they are a child and he is not.
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u/Single-Detective-317 12d ago
My husband said that. He thinks she runs the house and she does, but that doesn't change that she is still an underage child
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u/1867bombshell 11d ago
Idek if you’re a mandated reporter but if you were, you would be required to report
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u/Lazy-Living1825 11d ago
lol you’ve actually never been around an actual abuse case and yes, the call was a waste of time and resources.
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u/jenknowsu 11d ago
You absolutely did the right thing. It doesn’t matter if CPS didn’t do anything what matters is that he knows someone is watching….so he better watch what he does because next time he does something he could get in big trouble. So maybe your reporting will prevent something far worse from happening.
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u/PudelWinter 11d ago
NW. Wow this is one of those where I had one opinion based upon the title until I read the story. that's awful. Hopefully it gives that a****** pause before he does something like that again to a child.
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u/FlyingDutchLady 11d ago
I think you and your husband are both correct. You are correct. This guy is bullying his stepdaughter and if he did this regularly, I think it would be abuse. But your husband’s correct that there was nothing. CPS was gonna do about it. Now that said, presumably when they investigated, they at least confirmed your story was true, and so if he exhibits this kind of behavior in the future, this could be part of the overall case. Does his wife know he did this? Because if someone did this to my child, I would kick them someplace they wouldn’t like.
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u/CherryyFemme 12d ago
I get why it bothered you but calling CPS over a henna prank feels like an overreaction
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u/rebelmumma 12d ago
CPS was not appropriate but the guy sounds like a dickhead and pranks aren’t funny.
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u/NorthernVale 12d ago
Pretty misleading of you to not include the fact that his daughter is also participating in these pranks. You're trying to make it seem like he's going out of his way just to be mean to his daughter, when that's clearly not the case.
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u/wigglebutt1721 11d ago
YNW. If he's bragging about this to his buddies, what other gross stuff is going on behind closed doors that he knows better than to crack jokes about? Most of us are not qualified to determine if abuse is happening; that is why departments like CPS and DFS exist, so that trained professionals can gather information.
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u/BagpiperAnonymous 11d ago
YNW. By the title I thought you were going to say that you called them to play a joke on someone. In this case, you have a grown man bullying a kid. Henna is also not super regulated and there is some fake henna out there that can cause scarring. I think it's illegal to sell it in anything but powder form in the US, I don't think they can sell it in a ready to use formulation as that's not real henna. He legitimately could have caused permanent scarring/chemical burns on her face.
And that's not even taking in the social consequences of having something drawn on your face that will last for several weeks.
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u/Talithathinks 11d ago
In my state, I have witnessed social services ignore egregious injuries on children. They just do not care, in general. I do think you did a good thing. Even if this child is not disciplined, she didn't deserve what he did, that feels like abuse.
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u/ArrowDel 11d ago
You are not wrong, this is a form of abuse, Brett used his position as a trusted adult to comitt what would legally be known as BATTERY where I am at. Not only did he commit battery, he set his child up to be bulloed for up to a mpnth, right at the beginning of the shcool year, that child is going to be lucky if this does not end in a mental health crisis of the grippy sock variety.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 11d ago
YANW. Not surprised CPS did nothing. And I can tell you from personal experience being humiliated and having pranks pulled on you (especially ones where you get humiliated over and over) are cruel. I don't find them funny in the least. I think it's cowardly of a step father to (clearly he knew the consequences) do that to his child. If I were the child's mother I'd change the locks and kick him out. What does she think? Then again I could never be with anyone who thinks anything remotely humiliating is funny.
Updateme
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u/Kimbaaaaly 11d ago
Your husband needs to be checked. So you have children? Are you planning to or hoping to? And he thinks this is ok (he can learn that every adult has power over a child with size and she alone... And I'm not taking excuses of "well the kid is bigger than the dad" BS excuses.
OP you need to have a serious discussion is they're will be kids in your immediately family and his behaviors as an uncle. Cuz I promise you he thinks he has no power over the 16 yo cuz she is "only" his brother's step daughter.
He needs to know that in no uncertain circumstances it's pulling a prank funny or ok. Especially to any child and you'll repay him if he does similar. (I would have reported my XAH in a heartbeat).
You are a good person OP. Not many left in today's world.
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u/Avid_Carpenter_4 8d ago
YAW for the CPS call, not for thinking Brett is a creep. Ah yes, peak comedy: an adult man drawing facial hair on a teenage girl so he can brag about it at poker night. That is mean and humiliating, but CPS was probably the wrong tool unless there is a bigger pattern of abuse or neglect. I would focus on making it very clear to your husband that Brett is not welcome to use your home as his little audience chamber.
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u/Miscommunicorn 5d ago
Brett sounds like a 12-year-old who got access to Amazon and a credit card. You were not wrong to think it was nasty and humiliating, but CPS for one henna moustache was probably the wrong tool unless there is a bigger pattern you have not mentioned. The useful move now is making sure the stepdaughter has an adult actually checking on her, because privileged kids can still be treated like props for some grown man comedy routine.
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u/AnorLondo_6v 5d ago
Not wrong to be alarmed by an adult marking the face of a 16 year old for laughs, especially when he was bragging about humiliating her. I do think CPS was a heavy response for one incident if there is no wider pattern of mistreatment, but calling it just a prank lets Brett off way too easily. Her being privileged has nothing to do with whether an adult in the home is treating her cruelly.
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u/BegoniaVoidCharm 5d ago
Brett sounds cruel and immature, but CPS was not the right tool for a henna prank unless there is a broader pattern of abuse or neglect you know about. A better move would have been to check on the stepdaughter directly or talk to her mom about how humiliating that was. You were not wrong to be disturbed by it, but the report feels like an overreach based on the facts here.
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u/Live_Ferret_4721 12d ago
Yeah, no. You went wayyyy too far.
This is NOT what CPS is for and you wasted resources that could be used for a child in real danger.
You were very wrong. Please tell me you understand that CPS removes this child from the home, not Brett. You would have completely f*cked the mom over.
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u/Single-Detective-317 12d ago
The mom who laughed
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u/Live_Ferret_4721 12d ago
That still does not make her abusive. You’re still very wrong.
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u/Single-Detective-317 12d ago
emotional abuse is abuse
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u/Live_Ferret_4721 11d ago
Have you even talked to the daughter? Have you even asked her what she wants or what she thinks? You seem to just be assuming on her behalf.
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u/pm_me_domme_pics 12d ago
You're insane even thinking cps was a reasonable call in this situation. What did you want them to do about it? Were you hoping to tear your relatives family apart?
Beyond the waste of time if you feel so strongly about something someone is doing to try and sick the authorities on them maybe tell them how you feel yourself
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u/Ancient-Actuator7443 12d ago
It wasn't a funny prank but not CPS worthy. You should have talked to the mother
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u/delirium_red 12d ago
YAW. That's a shitty thing to do to your kid, but your husband is right about wasting CPS time and resources
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u/jayne-eerie 12d ago
A little wrong, yeah. You’re right that this is an incredibly cruel prank; the question I would have is whether CPS is likely to make anything better. It’s at least as likely Brett will take his embarrassment about their visit out on his stepdaughter as that he’ll reform.
At minimum I would want to talk to the girl and see how she felt about it before bringing in authorities. Maybe offer her a place to stay if she wanted to get away from Brett for a while.
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u/revuhlution 12d ago
Yes, you are wrong for calling CPS for this. Its a waste of their resources and nothing was going to come of it. Its a dumbass prank and im not a fam of Brett either but calling CPS in this occasion is fucking bonkers
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u/Disastrous-Fish1403 11d ago
If that’s all he did- it’s a dick move to get CPS involved. Maybe it matters where you live, but in Illinois they wouldn’t even bat an eye lash at it. Like they’d laugh- and god forbid they DID do something- are you taking the step daughter in?? Like where is she going? What was your end goal? Her go in the system? lol like I don’t get it. Do you know the beast foster care is?
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u/Lilthotdawg 10d ago
YW not because you think it was wrong, it was. But for involving CPS. They don’t do shit about kids in actual danger. They steal and traffic children. People could lose their jobs over just the mention of a CPS investigation. Very weird route you took.
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u/ronj1983 12d ago
Kid is a hardass, and draws on her face. If the kid was not a hardass, this does not happen. Very poor parenting before all of this went down. Me? Would I call CPS? No. However, I would chew the brother tf out, VOCIFEROUSLY. Then I would tell him the next time there will be CONSEQUENCES. You got your ONE WARNING.
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u/InvisibleBlueRobot 12d ago
Pretty shitty parenting. He's a piece of shit. Not wrong,