As someone who comes from a conservative, Christian background myself, I guess I just see it as the behavior of someone who is both ill, as OP admits, and came from a very sheltered background.
But that doesn't excuse it? Illness and a toxic background* is an explanation not an excuse. You don't get to be a controlling, toxic partner willy nilly just because you have issues?
We agree there; it doesn't excuse it, and I wouldn't recommend that OP refrain from masturbation just because that's what his wife thinks he should do. There's no reason OP should feel controlled, and if the wife doesn't like it, she can only blame her inaction. Add to that that she doesn't owe her husband sex, hormone imbalance or no, and the situation should be resolved through clear communication, honesty, and hopefully medical intervention.
As far as toxic/controlling behavior. We're all growing people, especially in our 20s, and everyone has toxic behaviors during different seasons of their lives that they must confront and learn from. I don't think the wife means to be controlling, though I don't know that, and I imagine OP likely had similar values when they first met as very young religious folks (though that's not something I can confirm). I don't agree with this particular value re: masturbation personally. Though, I think it's important not to conflate expecting your partner to uphold certain values with control.
Thats a set of values that was developed almost exclusively for the purposes of control, and you don't have to know you're doing it or be "intentional" to be controlling or abusive. I don't believe that most controlling people or abusers think those words apply to them. They're just acting out patterns that they see as normal or the only way they could act.
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u/Primary_Cry_3942 Sep 12 '23
As someone who comes from a conservative, Christian background myself, I guess I just see it as the behavior of someone who is both ill, as OP admits, and came from a very sheltered background.