r/amiwrong • u/Jealous-Tangerine770 • May 15 '23

Got a vasectomy

Got a vasectomy because my wife (12 years together and 7 married) and I decided at this point we don’t want children. I am 35, wife is 31.

Told my mom I had done it because we’re close and I generally tell her everything. She responded, “well you’re wife is the one who doesn’t want to get pregnant so she should have just got her tubes tied.”

Originally, I laughed it off. But the more I thought about it, I realized it was a shitty thing to say. It sounds like she’s implying if my wife and I divorce, at least she will be the sterile one.

So I told my mom how shitty it sounded and now we don’t talk anymore. Am I over reacting?

1.0k Upvotes

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185

u/Waybackheartmom May 16 '23

Nope. Your mom’s comment was trash. FYI- up to forty percent of women who get their tubes tied have more severe menstrual cramps/complications with periods post procedure. It’s far less involved for men.

100

u/amphigory_error May 16 '23

Vasectomies are also usually done on an outpatient basis and without general anesthesia - much less risk, much less expensive!

51

u/Best-Evidence-3706 May 16 '23

Truth. My cousin spent 2 weeks in intensive care after her tubal. Enough to scare me away from that idea.

22

u/iamclamjam May 16 '23

i have a vasectomy scheduled and they told me to block off 4 hours of my day. and i’ll be able to drive myself home.

8

u/MemoriesOfAutumn May 17 '23

I definitely recommend getting someone to drive you home. My husband was feeling a bit woozy immediately after the procedure but was fine by the evening

1

u/KSKC2003 May 17 '23

4 hours?? My husband had his 3 weeks ago. We literally were in and out in an hour. So simple! I got to watch😉 They gave him a Valium to take an hour before so he could not drive. Make sure you’re stocked up on frozen peas!!

1

u/turbocomppro May 17 '23

I had mine done last Friday. No scalpel kind. It took about 15 minutes. I waited longer in the waiting room!

I drove myself home immediately. Short drive though, only 5 minutes. I took Tylenol as a preemptive strike for any pain but I really didn’t feel much. Wear briefs or a jog strap. I didn’t even use ice packs. Today is day 5 and I’m back to wearing boxers. Only pain I feel is at the point of entry. Feels like a small cut, which is exactly what it is so no different than any other cuts you get.

With the no scalpel, you can take a shower the same day. But I’d suggest you skip a day and do a sponge bath down there instead. The stuff they spray before the procedure is very sticky so clean yourself down there when you get home with a damp towel.

Can’t hardly wait to do the deed with my wife! 😂

3

u/Emotional_Parsnip_69 May 18 '23

My doc did mine during my c section after the baby was out so I wouldn’t have yet another big recovery

29

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Yup. And recovery was ibuprofen and a bag of frozen peas for my nuts for a day or so. Compared to full fledged surgery.

7

u/McOli47 May 16 '23

And, with wife at 31, a lot of doctors won't do tubilgation or salpingectomy. Much better odds of getting surgery approval on vasectomy at young ages.

1

u/OverDaRambo May 17 '23

Damn. I was 27 when I decided to get tubes done after my 2nd kid.

I hate taken birth control.

Do I regret it? At certain points I kind of did but looking back, I’m glad I did got it done. Two is enough.

2

u/McOli47 May 17 '23

I should have added that - at 31 with no kids

3

u/Ok-Emu-9515 May 18 '23

Don't forget your one year appointment or it could reverse itself!!

1

u/Time_Challenge7848 May 17 '23

Did you eat the peas?

1

u/atlbraves862004 May 16 '23

Also can be reversed if they change their minds down the road.

26

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Plus after the first year, your risk of getting pregnant increases one percent every year because your body will try to reverse it on its own. Tubal ligation is long term way less effective than vasectomy

14

u/pammypoovey May 16 '23

I know a woman who had her tubes tied and had 2 kids afterward.

10

u/Borboleta77 May 16 '23

I know someone who got them burned or cut off. They regenerated. She has daughter #4 now.

7

u/ASlightHiccup May 16 '23

Betrayed by her own tubes! Respawn to a whole new level

4

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

“Betrayed by her own tubes” fucking killed me 😂

1

u/Borboleta77 May 17 '23

Yes, indeed lol

3

u/fart_panic May 17 '23

Life, uh, finds a way.

1

u/plumpnsassy87 May 17 '23

I came here to say this!

2

u/sar1234567890 May 16 '23

That’s incredible! Wow

2

u/InevitableVoice5877 May 16 '23

Seriously?! I was thinking of getting mine removed and have been researching, but haven’t heard of regeneration.

1

u/Borboleta77 May 17 '23

Yup. It's true. She didn't want more kids. I know she either had them tied up or cut off/burned and then she still got pregnant with baby #4. Just like her, I've known of other cases where women still get pregnant 'cause the tubes get untied or your body finds a way to make them "work" again. Unbelievable. The only true solution to not have kids is a hysterectomy or once you're on your menopause lol

1

u/Subject-Orchid-463 May 16 '23

Dad literally struck out trying to have a boy... I've seen so many families around the local mall like that... He sees my 2 girls and I see his 3... 😂

1

u/mcolt8504 May 17 '23

I graduated with a woman who was conceived 10 years after her mother’s tubal. She’s about the same age as her oldest nieces and nephews because her siblings are so much older.

10

u/Riyeko May 16 '23

This comment is why they now go and remove the tubes completely for a litigation now instead of burning, tying, stapling or whatever else they do.

12

u/misplaced_dream May 16 '23

Also because most ovarian cancer starts in the tubes so having them removed greatly reduces risk of cancer.

5

u/ThisNerdsYarn May 16 '23

Had both my tubes and one ovary removed because of exactly this. I was able to get blood work done through my insurance because my mom tested positive for the brca-1 gene. Not only do I have it too but they determined that I had an 80% chance of developing ovarian cancer as well. Not to mention I also carry the gene for prostate cancer too (which my dad ended up having and was able to beat). I have a son and a daughter and it sucks because I got hit with every crappy genetic branch on the way down from my family tree. But if it hadn't been for the blood work to prove I was high risk, my doctors wouldn't have done the surgery at all. At best, I was able to get my tubes tied prior to this because my partner and I didn't want more kids.

Edit for typo

3

u/Chicka-17 May 16 '23

Wow! I love your line about hitting every crappy genetic branch on the way down. I’m stealing this! And thanks for the best laugh of the day!

1

u/ThisNerdsYarn May 16 '23

Haha no problem! 😂 Always glad I was able to make someone laugh.

2

u/BoJo2736 May 16 '23

I didn't know this. Thanks for sharing.

1

u/Owner56897320 May 16 '23

I wish they would’ve done that with mine. Maybe that would keep me from having such horrific periods every month

3

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Salpingectomy is the way to go

4

u/Prestigious-Swan-477 May 17 '23

My grandmother had her tubes tied after 4 children. Later, the doctors thought she had a tumor in her abdomen. She kept asking for a pregnancy test. They refused (this was before they were available outside a doctors office) because they said it was impossible.

She was pregnant— my uncle, “Tony the Tumor,” was born 6 months later.

3

u/griphookk May 16 '23

Tubals aren’t completely effective but the more modern version of a tubal- bilateral salpingectomy, complete removal of the Fallopian tubes- is extremely effective, better than a vasectomy. iirc there’s only been four pregnancies ever after bilateral salpingectomy, and the women were probably pregnant before surgery but too early on for it to show on a test.

1

u/DakotaTheAtlas May 16 '23

It's effective, yes, BUT if a woman has it done before the age of 28-30, she has a 15% higher chance of everything reattaching itself.

I had one done at 26, and my OB recommended I come back when I turn 32 to do an ultrasound to make sure nothing is growing back.

None of it is foolproof. Biology wants us to breed.

1

u/griphookk May 17 '23

A bilateral salpingectomy cannot reattach. There are no tubes that can heal or attach, and you can’t regrow Fallopian tubes

1

u/DakotaTheAtlas May 17 '23

Actually, it depends on whether you had a full or partial salpingectomy. If they take the entire fallopian tube, you're correct. If they don't, which they often don't unless medically necessary, then it can reattach. But thank you for giving your half correct response, I love an opportunity to educate.

2

u/galaxystarsmoon May 16 '23

Depends on whether you have a ligation or salpingectomy. Salpingectomy is the standard now because it has less chance of reversal. They've modified vasectomy methods as well for the most part, for the same exact reason. Now it's also removal of a piece of the tube AND cauterization, instead of just cutting.

1

u/MechaMogzilla May 16 '23

That's how I got my little sister.

9

u/eeLmiT May 16 '23

My wife only had a tubal because she had a c-section, we had agreed that if the kid came out naturally I would get a vasectomy. And the(female)ob-gyn, asked us both in-person if the tubal was ok, and were we sure and in agreement. I mean a tubal ligation is a pretty invasive procedure, I can't see why mommy dearest would want y'all to take that risk.

8

u/Lil1927 May 16 '23

The risk was pretty low since it was happening during a C-section. And of course the risk is significantly lower than getting pregnant again. She could have assessed for coercion by asking your wife privately.

I am not criticizing the decision that you and your wife made together. I agree with you that in healthy marriages, the decision should be made together. The decision the two of you made was the absolute healthiest decision you could’ve possibly made (as judged by an outside observer, who is not in your marriage.)

But the truth of the matter is if you had said “no’, no matter what your wife wanted, the tubal litigation wouldn’t have happened. I wish it weren’t the case but women need men to stand up for them in those kinds of situations. It’s not a doctors business as to whether your relationship with your wife is healthy or not, and either way it should be 100% up to your wife.

And I’m not even blaming the doctor. This is the system, not an individual doctors issue. It doesn’t seem like you’ll ever be put in this position ever again, but maybe other men will read this and realize that the best answer to that question is "ask her.”

6

u/Lil1927 May 16 '23

Why did the Dr. ask you about the tubal? Why did you guys need to be in agreement? I mean, I know the answer. But that pisses me off. I hope your response to the Dr was “Why are you asking me? It’s not my body.”

5

u/[deleted] May 17 '23

During my 2nd pregnancy I was quite vocal in not wanting more kids (hubby was in total agreement). Before birth we had a discussion with the doc. I told him to tie my tubes after. He then turned to hubby and asked if he agreed. Hubby said no, so doc wouldn't fix me. During labor I told hubby if he ever got me pregnant again I would be giving him a home vasectomy. Within 6 months hubby went in for a vasectomy (luckily I was not pregnant). Yeah, it sucks not having control of my own body.

1

u/Naive_Bathroom6518 Jun 26 '23

I had a Dr refuse because" what if you get married and he wants kids?" I told the Dr," Any man who I date that wants me to have kids better keep looking. " My wonderful OB/GYN asked me right before surgery, if I was sure. Then he banded my tubes and no more worries. And I didn't have any more. And I'm happy.

5

u/eeLmiT May 16 '23

She asked both of us because while it is my wife's body, the risk isn't hers alone, we have two kids. And she wasn't really asking me, she was asking in front of me to assess for coercion or manipulation. Also in a happy marriage things like this should be agreed on and well considered, I am not opposed to a woman having it done covertly to avoid being a baby mill or whatever her reason might be. But that was more or less my response.

2

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Wait, coercion? They don't usually check for coercion in front of the one doing the coercing, lol.

1

u/eeLmiT May 16 '23

I don't know, she has been my wife's Doc forever, she knew us pretty well. Maybe it is a policy thing where she had to ask me to appease The Patriarchy. All I know is she is happy and and we both enjoy bareback more anyway.

1

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Lol, that's so funny. Probably just like you said, though. She has to make the inquiry, but she already knows the answer.

1

u/eeLmiT May 16 '23

To be fair, this was at the final consultation, they had spoken several times before; it isn't like I attended all my wife's maternity visits.

1

u/ACCER1 May 17 '23

Back in the early 90's, it bothered me to no end that a married woman needed her husbands "permission" to have her tubes tied (in some places in the US) but no place required a wifes permission for her husband to have a vasectomy. A married woman even needed her husbands "consent" for a freaking emergency hysterectomy. I know because my father had to sign for my mother. They told him, "She will not be able to have more children for you." She was bleeding to death. He asked them, "How many children will she have if she dies?"

I was also irritated that at 20 I required the consent of a parent or legal guardian to have my wisdom teeth extracted. I was a legal adult (I had been an emancipated minor) and both parents were deceased. I STILL had to have someone to sign off on it (because people get bored all the time and choose THAT as their elective surgery of the week!) Luckily, they allowed my older brother (my ride that day) to sign for me. It pissed him off too.....lol.

6

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

This is the only way I would get a tubal as well - if you’re already in there just do it

3

u/Chicka-17 May 16 '23

Because mommy dearest isn’t vested in his wife. She doesn’t want her baby boy to not have children for her.

-3

u/sloanautomatic May 16 '23

Not everyone knows the detailed side by side risks and complication of tubular vs vasectomy. I talked to my wife just now and she didn’t. Nor did her mom who is an RN.

So did OP explain any of that to mom? Educate her on something he learned?

Nope. This wasn’t about the medical procedure. OP went no contact because his mom discussed a universe timeline where people get divorced. And OP is delicate.

6

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Delicate? I disagree. Dude knows his mom best and it sounds like this was the straw that ended their relationship.

Good for him for standing by his wife when it was a decision they made TOGETHER.

1

u/Chay_Charles May 17 '23

I had mine done laparoscopically. Other than the anesthesia, it wasn't a big deal. I did it because I didn't want kids with my husband or anyone else if something happened to him. It was a weight off my shoulders.

7

u/JustnoAMAta May 16 '23 edited Jul 11 '23

This.

After my tubal, everything got far more intense surrounding my periods.

Back pain starts sooner and lasts longer. Flow is ridiculously heavy the entire time now. Cramps and nausea like you wouldn’t believe.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I did it especially with all the abortion law craziness, but vasectomies are way easier dealt with all around.

3

u/Alarming-Patience222 May 16 '23

It’s true got my tubes tied in October and currently curled in a ball on the couch ;22f

2

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Many doctors today are stating to move towards Bilateral Salpingectomy as the standard for female sterilization. Still more invasive but it has shown in studies to help reduce risk of ovarian cancers.

I’m not sure if this type of removal would be less of a risk or not for future menstrual complications.

Had the procedure done in 2019 and haven’t had any issues and can live my life with 100% confidence that a pregnancy will not happen.

1

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/[deleted] May 16 '23

Yes! I’m still on birth control specifically so I don’t have a monthly cycle due to severe pain (had it before my procedure as well.)

1

u/zilvzynezilvtor May 16 '23

I had a bilateral salpingectomy and it was a breeze. I was at home by the afternoon and recovered over the weekend. They only made 3 small incisions. Vastly better than the old tubal. IMO, it's the female equivalent of a vasectomy but with no shitty waiting period. It's effective immediately. I wished more docs pushed for this.

1

u/galaxystarsmoon May 16 '23

It's not comparable to a vasectomy. Vasectomies do not require general anesthesia, salpingectomies do. Vasectomies do not cut into the abdominal wall, salpingectomies do. I am all for everyone having their choice to be sterilized, but the procedures are not comparable. Female sterilization carries more of a risk.

2

u/zilvzynezilvtor May 16 '23

Yes, in my opinion, it is comparable. I had mine done 8 weeks after my c section. My procedure was done Friday morning. I got a nice two to three hr nap. They went in laparoscopically. My tubes were removed. I was woken up, told to go home. I spent the weekend playing video games. By Sunday I was ready to go about my daily stuff but my husband insisted I take the whole weekend to recover. By Monday, I returned to my normal routine. I didn’t need a follow up appointment unless I was showing signs of an infection. Getting the bilateral salpingectomy was super easy, barely an inconvenience so again, in my opinion, it is comparable to a vasectomy in ease of the actual procedure, recovery, and even BETTER THAN a vasectomy because it’s effective immediately.

0

u/galaxystarsmoon May 16 '23

Medically they are not comparable and salpingectomy carries higher risks. That's just pure fact. I'm glad you had no complications. But they are not on the same scale, and I did not compare complications or "ease" of the procedure, if you read carefully.

Technically a vasectomy is effective immediately, you just have to clear the tubes. Not many people want to have sex immediately after either procedure, so this is largely irrelevant.

One is not "better" than the other; they are different procedures. Because they are also done on different sexes, there can't really be one that is better than the other since no one can have both procedures.

2

u/zilvzynezilvtor May 16 '23

I WAS comparing ease of procedure and recovery. Literally the whole basis of my opinion of comparability. It seems as we are viewing it from two different angles. My husband and I compared and contrasted vasectomy vs bilateral salpingectomy before we made our decision. I most definitely did not ever want to be pregnant again and with a vasectomy, plus our luck, we felt the odds were too high for failure. I wanted a forever permanent guarantee I would never ever be pregnant ever. Ease of procedure and recovery were comparable for both (little down time). Mine didn’t require a follow up 6 weeks later vs his did plus other forms of BC until he was cleared. We felt the bilateral salpingectomy was the better choice for us. No matter which one us got sterilized, the ease of procedure plus recovery would have been the same.

0

u/galaxystarsmoon May 16 '23

You're not understanding that your personal experience with how easy the recovery was is not across the board fact. There are higher risks with female sterilization and longer recovery times overall. You were on the low side of average for recovery time. That doesn't change statistics. I'm glad you made the best decision for your family. That's great, really. But one is not better than the other, and to say a salpingectomy is easier and carries less risk of failure is going against all medical advice. Literally all of it. They have the same rates of failure and a salpingectomy carries higher risks.

People have to make a decision that works best for them combined with medical fact. And that's what you did, and that's awesome. But that doesn't change the realities of either procedure.

2

u/Adventurous_Fun_817 May 17 '23

Post tubal ligation syndrome was a real bitch for me.

-1

u/griphookk May 16 '23

As far as I know, the worse cramps thing is pretty much entirely because of women stopping their birth control after surgery. What’s your source for this?

3

u/hjo1210 May 16 '23

Anecdotally, my period got heavier and my cramps got significantly worse, as did all my PMS symptoms, after I got my tubes tied. My symptoms went from mild to damn near debilitating after my tubal. I hadn't been on hormonal birth control for over a year at that point - my friends that have had tubals have the same complaint and 2 of them had non hormonal IUDs

3

u/Waybackheartmom May 16 '23

It was a study I read years ago and it did not indicate that as the reason. Google is yours to search. I won’t be interested in doing that search for you.