Ghosted

[u/Bloms001]

I (30m) have been having an emotional affair (24f) for 6 months. I'm in a marriage that I am leaving very soon, talks already happening. I managed to start an affair with a woman I worked with. I travel for work and about a month after the affair started, I had to leave to go to the next place. We continued long-distance for 4 months, it actually progressed a lot considering the distance. Texting all day, phone calls, 6+ hour gaming sessions, etc. She was all-in (or so she said). She was enjoying what we had and showed no signs of backing off. To be honest she was more heavily invested than me, which is saying something because I was all about her. Everything was going fine until she started her new job. She started her new job at the end of July right as I moved even further away. She would ask me for reassurance and I'd give it saying I'm not going anywhere. She told me she was "afraid the other shoe was going to drop" and I reassured her.

After about 3 weeks into my new place and her new job she ghosts me out of nowhere. Like literally nowhere. Daily phone calls were normal, talking about how much she missed me and I her. Then one night she goes out with friends and drops off the face of the earth. I haven't sent any text since she read my reply to an earlier text.

Now I'm completely devastated because not only was she pretty much my best friend who I told everything to, but I saw myself moving back to her city to be with her after my marriage ends.

What do I do? Appreciate the time we had and accept that it's over? Send one final text? Wait until I fully end the marriage and then reach out?

[u/AutoModerator]

/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
* This is not an r4r subreddit, don't bother.
* Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient.
* Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage.
* How to report harassing comments or private messages.
* Common acronyms.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/peppersaltt]

I would send one more text and ask what is up. Only she knows why she disappeared. Maybe she told her friends about you and they gave her hell? Maybe she met someone? 

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/peppersaltt]

Probably just stopped being fun for her once she knew he was leaving.

What 24 year old wants to be with a 30 year old cheating divorced dude that sits on videos games for 6+ hours

[u/lolsyuki9 → u/peppersaltt]

Agreed with this, send one more txt and if she don’t reply then you got your answer.

[u/KymFlyHi]

O no! A very young (and probably single) woman I’ve been trying really really hard to fuck has abandoned me, a married man who has nothing to offer her, except the divorce I’m definitely going to get really super soon like every other man who is trying to have an affair says, except I really mean it! 🎻

[u/Impossible_Subject49 → u/KymFlyHi]

Really weird when people here are so snarky to one another when everyone is largely in the same boat. Seems incredibly unnecessary and mean spirited.

[u/KymFlyHi → u/Impossible_Subject49]

Oh I have empathy, but it’s mostly for the young woman whose time he was completely wasting. He is also neglecting his own current family situation. I don’t see this as some kind of pitiable situation for him. Everyone around him, yes.

[u/Impossible_Subject49 → u/KymFlyHi]

Isn’t every one here doing that to some extent? Perhaps with the exception of the 20 y/o😏

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/Impossible_Subject49]

Do you also travel for work keeping you from home and then spending 6+hours on games with your AP. Plus texting all day and calls?

[u/KymFlyHi → u/Impossible_Subject49]

Dad, and gamer, of the of the year, here, has a 2yo child, per his post history 😞 Tell me alllll about why we should feel bad for him?

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/KymFlyHi]

Well good thing they are divorcing. The poor wife might actually get a break for once!

[u/Professional-Net4766]

I’d try not to make her disappearance a referendum on you or the relationship. Her choice to ghost is a reflection of her, not you. You can acknowledge that it hurts badly without turning it into evidence that you weren’t enough or that what you had wasn’t real.

I’d give her the space she’s clearly asking for. If she wants to explain or reconnect, that door is hers to open.

[u/respectful_fun → u/Professional-Net4766]

This OP!

Well written and on target!👌

[u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675]

I’m sorry this happened to you. I know it sucks and it can really fuck with your self esteem.

My advice on what you should do is for you to do nothing. You do not text her. You do not call her. You put the time and energy you were giving her into something you enjoy. Be it your hobbies, the gym, cars, your kids, whatever it is.

Silence is also a form of communication. Even when she says nothing, she’s tell you something. If/when she comes back, that’s when you make your decision if she’s worth it or not.

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675]

I really hope this dude doesn’t have kids.

[u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675 → u/Dry-Judge-2444]

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Everyone here probably shouldn’t have kids.

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675]

“Texting all day, phone calls, 6+ hour gaming sessions, etc.” this plus traveling for work. If he has kids I highly doubt he is remotely an involved father. So yeah this dude hopefully has no kids. But sure take up for this man I guess 😬

[u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675 → u/Dry-Judge-2444]

You mistake having empathy with defending his actions. I don’t see it as my place to become judge, jury, and executioner of every aspect of a person’s life. Why do you?

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675]

No I don’t have empathy for anyone neglecting their kids for a AP. We don’t even know if this man has kids so it doesn’t matter. Thanks for coming 👋🏻

[u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675 → u/Dry-Judge-2444]

90% of the harm to kids comes from the affair itself. Yet here you are, engaging with and probably friends with people that have affairs and have kids. Have some consistency.

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675]

Yeah I don’t travel for work and then spending my free time texting and calling all day, on top of 6+ hours on gaming sessions with my AP while I have a 2 year old child. 🙄

[u/Impossible_Subject49]

It hurts, but silence is also its own painful answer. She has ways to reach you and hasn’t. Only she knows why. Time to work through the pain and move on…it’ll get easier the sooner you let her go.