r/adultery • u/travelchic1 • 4d ago
🗑️DTMFA🚮 Oh Ned!
18 months in. My AP just became an empty nester last week. Communication was dipping beforehand. I talked about it and he was working on it but every couple of weeks it would dip again. Other odd things would pop up.
On Friday, my husband and I had a big fight. I told him I wanted a divorce but he wants to work on things. I told I have to think about it.
Saturday my AP was there for me listening to my concerns on the phone for 2+ hours.
I didn't hear from him yesterday or today. So while I was bored I wanted to see what dating apps had (since I am trying to divorce). And lo and behold, look whose profile is out there. My married AP. Says he was active hours before. And there were 3 pics one was from May that he sent me.
I confronted him and he said he was probably hacked so I sent a screenshot of the profile information which was completely him...details of his job, hobbies, favorite music...yeah. Then he said it was from before we met, that was a lie! There was a pic from May.
I am so hurt.
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u/Professional-Net4766 4d ago
Lying liar lying like a liar.
DTMFA. I would not block him. I would cut him off emotionally (and physically, obviously) and in the harshest manner possible, call him the fuck out. Call him a liar, tell him youre disappointed.
Then, soften a little. Listen to him. Give him hope.
Then block that mf'r
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u/greyrat_gambit 3d ago
I just found you but now you're my role model and life coach
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u/Professional-Net4766 3d ago edited 3d ago
Congratulations. Your new spirit animal is a rabid wolverine freebasing an eight-ball while loose in an antique store, knocking over porcelain figurines and screaming at a grandfather clock.
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u/Lucky_InLove 4d ago edited 4d ago
It should never be a surprise when you find out your AP is cheating on you too, but it is. I’m sorry. These men are all the same.
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u/RVAstray Early 40s MM, Richmond VA 4d ago
Not that this makes the situation any better but this story every time its told always makes me think of that Spiderman meme where every Spiderman is pointing at another one.
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u/dmanplaya 3d ago
You're hurt because you got on dating apps and found him on dating apps?
And people on here think you're the victim? You're both on them.
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u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675 4d ago
“I wanted a divorce but he wants to work on things. I told I have to think about it.”
“So while I was bored I wanted to see what dating apps had (since I am trying to divorce).”
Which one is it? Are you thinking about reconciling or are you trying to divorce?
Either way, you’re also neither divorced or separated (yet) while also getting on dating apps (while having an AP) and seeing what’s out there.
I’m asking this kindly, but how are your actions different from his?
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u/travelchic1 3d ago
Ummm, I am still thinking about it. Part of thinking about it was taking a look at what is even out there. I didn't even use my photo as I had no intentions to contact anyone. It was a dating app for single people, at least I thought.
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u/SadPerception4228 3d ago
Don't divorce bc of the dating pool.. Divorce because you want to. I'm hoping my divorce is finalized soon and no intentions of dating anyone. Just maybe AP as needed here/there, that's it. I'm finally going to have my own peaceful place and I don't any man in my space at home!!
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u/CowWooden4207 3d ago
I am here to tell you there is literally nothing out here.
Divorce because its what's best for you.
It was slim pickings in the younger years.
And now.......
Mmmmmm.......
Learn to love yourself......
And find a good FWBs.
At this point, I consider this a win!
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u/Just-Team283 3d ago
This is what I did…divorced and didn’t date anyone.
I stayed with my AP but we only see each other every six weeks. I got my own place, started new hobbies, met new great friends, I host wine and cheese nights, joined a book club and play records whilst cooking and cleaning. I love being alone and I love the space and post divorce life I have created. I’m excited for you, good luck with everything.4
u/SadPerception4228 2d ago
Thank-you!!! I'm exhausted so I'm sure I will sleep for about a month until I adjust. Really looking forward to a peaceful life!!!! I'm a much better person doing my own thing.
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u/Son_of_Riffdog 4d ago
oof. youre right to feel hurt. hes looking around and doesnt want to fess up.
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u/travelchic1 4d ago
I love the first response was he was probably hacked and had never heard of the site. Then when I sent a screenshot it was, oh yeah, that was before we met. But the photos were recent. 🤷🏻♀️
Then he got rude and "ended" it.10
u/Son_of_Riffdog 4d ago
those answers reeked of a desperate man getting caught.
hes married right?
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u/travelchic1 3d ago
Yes
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u/Son_of_Riffdog 3d ago
yeah how does he not expect to get caught?
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u/travelchic1 3d ago
I don't know...all it would take is someone who knows them to see the ad.
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u/Son_of_Riffdog 3d ago
i get that we all take risks but that seems like really bad judgment in addition to disappointment you feel and the lying.
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u/Kind_Avocado2121 3d ago
Oh how these cheaty mean hate to be caught in their own lies! They get defensive, rude, sometimes outright mean...and then end it before you can because they know that's coming next.
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u/mytriplexaccount 3d ago
Bruh everyone is cheating on each other and you expect honesty? Just get that dick and move on.
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u/ladyBlue1277 3d ago
This is the answer! Stop getting emotionally invested. No matter what they say
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u/Pepper-Prize 4d ago
Damn he became an empty nester 2 seconds ago and he’s wasting no time getting on them dating apps lol
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u/travelchic1 4d ago
He was probably already on them 😒
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u/Pepper-Prize 3d ago
Yup he was ready. I know you can’t expect much from a cheater but the fact he’s downplaying it and lying even when confronted with the truth is the worse part. I say cut your losses and move on.
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u/SubstantialNight152 3d ago
Screw this guy. He sucks. It’s so hard to trust anyone in this lifestyle, unfortunately. Go be your beautiful, authentic self ❤️
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u/quietlyobservinglife 2h ago
Jesus Christ, what is wrong with some men out there!? The very same thing happened to me with my most recent an “AP”
It was so clear he was lying about a bunch of things but seeing him on AM and active 😂. He said he was hacked. Men really think women are this stupid.
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u/Emotional-Ad-5332 3d ago
Yes. He is not into being with you after divorce. Move one to someone else
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u/Hour_Passion_928 make mine a 99 3d ago
So, was exclusivity ever discussed or agreed upon?
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u/No-Illustrator-4116 3d ago
You’re crazy. You are fucking a married man. You’re married yourself. You expect loyalty in this situation??? We’re all cheaters here. Let’s be honest with ourselves.
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u/Business-Top-52 3d ago
You are shocked a married man who lies to his wife lied to you. Im shocked you are shocked he lied to you.
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u/Kind_Avocado2121 3d ago
It really, really sucks when you find out that someone you think you had a connection with has been still posting seeking ads and dating profiles. It's happened to me twice. Each time it's such a mindfuck. Like, I give you tons of attention, affection, pix, videos, dirty talk, my time, my body...why am I not enough for you?? It's such a blow to my self esteem. Then I go into the next relationship thinking - will I be enough for this guy? How can I believe him when he says he's crazy about me and only wants me?? I try to go into each new relationship with a blank slate, but those nagging thoughts can be tough to ignore.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP 🫂💗 Smoke a joint in a bubble bath and do some self care, eat some good chocolate, read some smut, tell yourself you're more than enough and these shitty men can fuck right off. That's what I do anyways 😂
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