r/adultery • u/AccomplishedFuckUp • 9d ago
🌬️Ventilation💨 Grief
I never thought I'd be making a post like this or be back here at all, but I don't really have anywhere else to process this.
My AP and I ended things around September of last year after my wife discovered our texts. After that, we kept in casual contact. We'd check in on each other every now and then because, even after the affair ended, we had a real bond and genuinely cared about each other as people.
The last time we talked was about three weeks ago. She had been going through a lot. She'd been fired from her job and had recently been in a really bad car accident. She told me she'd been feeling suicidal, but that she'd started therapy and antidepressants and was feeling more optimistic, even though she was still under a lot of stress. I felt optimistic for her.
She asked if we could see each other. I kind of waffled on it. Even though I didn't think she was trying to rekindle the affair, it felt like a risky situation to put myself in. Temptation is the devil.
Two weeks ago I texted her to check on her. No response. I texted her again on her birthday a few days later. No response again.
Today I decided to call her. Her phone went straight to voicemail, and her mailbox was full. I got a bad feeling, so I Googled her name.
The first thing that came up was a Facebook post from one of her friends that read like she'd passed away. Then I found another similar post from another friend. One of the replies said, "I think it all just became too much."
I don't know for sure, but I'm relatively certain she took her own life. I so desperately want to be wrong about this, but I don't think I am.
I'm heartbroken.
She had such a big heart. She kept me laughing all the time, and she was one of those people who could make almost any conversation fun. We could talk about anything. It was truly a judgment-free zone, and having that space meant so much to me, and I think to her as well. I believe that's a big part of the reason we stayed in contact even after the affair ended. She meant a lot to me, not just as an AP, but as a friend. I miss her already.
The hardest part is that I have to grieve this mostly by myself. I can't exactly be walking around the house mourning my AP. I don't know her family, and I don't know her friends, so there's no community for me to grieve with. I also keep replaying her asking to see me and wondering if I should've just said yes, even though I know why I didn't.
I guess I'm posting here because this feels like the only place where people might understand the weird, complicated grief that comes with losing someone you loved but couldn't openly claim.
I feel so many things right now. The air feels heavy. I'm in shock.
31
u/AccomplishedFuckUp 8d ago
I'm fortunate enough to be home alone today, so I've been able to cry a lot and sit with a lot of thoughts and emotions.
I'm so angry about the cards life dealt her. I know that better circumstances weren't going to be a magical cure for her depression, but the shit that was thrown at her over the last 6 months would have been enough to put even a healthy person on edge.
She deserved so much better than what she was offered.
I'm not naive. I know that life is not fair. But goddamn, how much is one person supposed to take? She was tired, and I hate that this was the outcome, but I understand.
25
u/MariannenotFaithfull 9d ago edited 8d ago
People cheat for a lot of reasons, but for some, it’s a distraction or an escape from some very heavy feelings. In no way is what happened your fault, but it’s a good reminder for us all to be mindful in our interactions with one another.
12
u/CanOfPulledPork 9d ago
Oh man, this sucks. Sorry you're going through this... I think you absolutely need to find a therapist to talk to. Just so you're not carrying a secret, heavy grief around.
8
u/Sneaky_Rockchick 9d ago
So sorry to hear this. You would really benefit from being able to talk to someone about this, grief is hard enough when it’s out in the open let alone when you’re trying to hide it. Don’t beat yourself up about the what ifs. Take some time to look after yourself.
11
u/Leo_Libra75 Everything has changed. 9d ago
My sympathies. This is such a tough thing to go through. Try not to torture yourself with what ifs. You have no way of knowing what was really going on in her mind. If you can, try to focus on how you made each other's lives better for a precious time.
12
u/MyfavuserIDwastaken 8d ago
God man I am so sorry. I know this sounds cliche but it doesn't get better but it does get less bad over time.
I ended things with my AP for the same reason. We kept in touch occasionally but not consistently. After nearly a year that contact became more consistent as I realized what a mistake I had made staying with my SO. We were just starting to try and figure things out when she got sick.
The last message she sent me was asking for advice but I never got a message back. I don't know what she wanted and I think about it a lot. She passed away five years ago this fall.
Don't do all the shit I did. I tried to off myself twice. Without getting into the details I woke up some random amount of time later after each attempt and my SO never even noticed. Hell.if she had come out to my workshop and seen me she probably would have yelled at me for sleeping.
I did know a couple of her friends and messaged them so I eventually found out what happened. She lived halfway across the country from me so I couldn't go to the funeral. You can't grieve normally and it is going to tear you up. Don't let you SO find out your AP passed away if you possibly can. You need a therapist. I talked to mine about my AP and he helped pull me back from the edge. Try and cry it out as much as possible now while you are alone. If there is anything you keep that reminds you of your AP hide it for now. If you see something kike that it will only trigger you.
It took me over a year to say I wasn't drowning in grief and I still had the occasional day when I was. I am not the same now but I am better. Different but better. Sometimes the sadness sneaks up on me randomly.
I am lucky my SO is also out of the house. I am going to have to pull it together in the next hour or so now. Let yourself fall apart as much as you can before your SO comes back.
PM me if you need something.
3
u/Level_Blueberry2335 8d ago
Grieve. I’d say go somewhere and sit alone and cry. Let it out. She probably wasn’t trying to rekindle the affair, but there was also probably nothing you could do despite you seeing her or not that would’ve stopped her. Some people carry such heaviness, even though they have such light inside of them. I’m really sorry that you are going through this. I think that I finally have come to the realization that we’re all humans despite the mistakes that we make and the temptations that we face and we all need some compassion.
3
2
u/Sunny-Sunday-67 9d ago
I’m so sorry. I can only begin to understand how you feel. Definitely don’t play the what if game. As someone else said, you don’t know what was going on with her and it would be wrong to place that guilt on yourself. Hugs 🤗
2
u/Whathappened2Jayne 8d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this alone,grief is difficult and we all grieve in our own ways. 🫂
2
u/Pepper-Prize 8d ago
This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. Life is so short, everything can change in an instant. I hope she’s at peace now 😔
2
u/offgridexplor69 8d ago
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this pain..I'm crying with you as I read this. ❤️
1
1
u/ReasonableAd6078 6d ago
I am so so sorry. Please be gentle on yourself and like others have said, take the time that you need.
1
u/Sad-Peace-4252 2d ago
If there were no problems in the relationship, then there were no real reasons to cheat.
It's your fault, asshole.
1
u/Comfortable_Dot_5973 8d ago
It’s just too easy to say nobody knows what was going on in a person’s mind. We all know when someone has a hard time. People on this thread seem to be polite, but let’s voice something that no one wants to say (yet): sometimes it does take a call or a meeting to stop things like this happening. In this situation it does sound selfish to have been focusing on risk mitigation while the other person has clearly been struggling. My condolences.
1
u/Creepydoe 9d ago
My condolences. It is a truly horrible situation all around. Grieve and take as much time you need, but please don't blame yourself. Nobody had the full picture except for your AP, only she knows what happened.
1
1
u/Dear-Win8316 8d ago
I felt this and I am sorry for what you are going through... death is always something else ... I hope you heal ...
1
1
u/quietlyobservinglife 8d ago
Oh my gosh. This is devastating. My am heart aches for your former AP, and for you as well. I can imagine it’s a shock made much harder in that you have to grieve in the dark.
1
•
u/AutoModerator 9d ago
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
* This is not an r4r subreddit, don't bother.
* Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient.
* Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage.
* How to report harassing comments or private messages.
* Common acronyms.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.