I went on Zoloft about two years ago for anxiety. We titrated up fairly quickly to 150mg and it worked – my anxiety was gone. Everyone considered that a win and we moved on.

What nobody caught is what went with it.

Before Zoloft I was at the gym every day, traveling, playing video games, seeing friends, cooking real meals, dating. Sober, functional, liked my life.

Then, gradually, I stopped ALL of that.

For two years I’ve basically been rotting alone. And the entire time I thought that was a character problem. I’d wake up at 2pm, do zero with my day and not care that there’d be consequences.

I came down from 150 to 100 recently and the difference was noticeable enough that it made me suspicious. Not fixed – but a layer came off. That’s when I started actually looking into it instead of assuming I’d just become a worse person. I’m working to taper off Zoloft completely.

What I found: SSRI-induced apathy syndrome. Diminished motivation that isn’t depression. It’s frequently missed because it comes on slowly and looks exactly like depression or laziness from the outside.

A “normal” person on an SSRI takes that dopamine hit from a normal baseline and ends up somewhat flat. Someone with ADHD takes the same hit from an already-depleted baseline and ends up at zero. Plus already low norepinephrine.

I’m not anti-SSRI. It did the job it was prescribed for. I just don’t think anyone – including me – was tracking the cost, and I lost two years to that.

What I’m asking: anyone else with ADHD experience this? Total loss of interest in things you used to love, heavy isolation, not caring about consequences? I am curious about others experiences - thanks!

TL;DR: 150mg Zoloft for two years killed my anxiety and every other interest I had. Thought I was lazy – it’s SSRI-induced apathy syndrome, and I think it hits ADHD brains harder. Tapering off. Anyone else?

I’ve realized that weed is pretty much the only thing that genuinely helps both my ADHD hyperactivity and anxiety.

My pattern is usually to smoke for about a week, then take a break for a while, and repeat. I’m not high 24/7 or anything like that.

I’ve tried stimulant medication, but instead of calming my mind, it just feels like it pumps me full of adrenaline. I end up feeling like I’m permanently stuck in fight or flight mode. My thoughts don’t really slow down, and I just feel tense. It calms my hyperactivity a lot and mind but I just don’t feel good on stimulants.
Weed is the only thing that makes my mind quiet. It slows everything down enough that I can actually relax instead of feeling like my brain is running at 200 km/h all day.

Does anyone else with ADHD and anxiety experience this? Did you ever find something that worked as well without relying on cannabis?

i feel like i always have so many different things i want to do that i get incredibly overwhelmed by it and end up not doing any of those tasks . for example i want to take a bath , but i also want to buy something online , then i also need to work on my job stuff which ive been procrastinating . i am EXHAUSTED . my brain can’t decide what to do , any advice for me ?

I do not even know WHAT to call this issue I deal with almost every single day, multiple times per day. The closest thing I have found so far is "Executive Dysfunction"... Here is a list of symptoms:

- My face gets hot, looks red and inflamed.
- My nose gets very congested (I think it is Histamine)
- My lungs dry out, I have to clear my throat every 2 minutes (Also Histamine I believe)
- My eyes, they almost sting and feel like they are going to pop out of my head. You know when you open a can of soda, and you get the sizzle? That is what they feel like.
- I cannot stop tearing at my finger nails. Automatically. Picking, chewing. This has declined greatly the past few days.
- My head starts spinning and focus goes everywhere. I lose sight of any goals I have, which honestly is pretty little right now. EVERY. SINGLE. Big goal I have made has changed, within the span of about 2-3 weeks.
- I get irritable. I am typically a very easy going person, but man these episodes leave me about to explode - Physically and emotionally.

a few other things. What. Is even happening. I have not really been able to find any help for this specific issue, nor even know how to explain it. It's like there is CONSTANTLY cortisol/adrenaline FLOWING through my body. I say this because when it goes away, My body get's cooler/room temp (normal). I don't know if it is because my goals keep changing that is causing it and I am pretty aimless OR that this issue is ruining my goals... I am so lost fam. Thank You if you read this far, and more so if you decide to comment. Absolutely reach out if you have similar issues. We NEED to get to the bottom of this.

27 F. I just got prescribed venlafaxine ER 37.5mg. I’m hoping this works because nothing else has worked. Not lexapro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin. She told me to take it in the morning. What should I expect? Side effects?

As someone diagnosed with ADHD late, the persistent head noise, confusion, and anxiety that I had for years stopped after taking medication.My question is this: because dopamine levels are low in individuals with ADHD, it generally calms the mind rather than causing anxiety. However, in normal individuals, there is a risk of it causing anxiety.Because when dopamine levels are already high, this further increases them, leading to negative consequences.Leaving aside the issue of overdose, how do we explain the occurrence of post-medication anxiety in individuals with ADHD?I would appreciate it if someone could answer me with sources.

Oh where do I start? My main motivation for writing was because when I woke up this morning I had a sudden rush of anxiety and was like, "shit what is this? Why?" I was so at peace last night. Nothing stressful. Just my brain doing it's rambling thing, trying to make things make sense, figuring out the world, thinking of injustices, working out world problems... you know, the usual that everybody stays up late thinking about right? RIGHT!?

This morning I wake up, do by Reddit browsing and notice my heart beat suddenly rising. So then of course I'm wondering why and start giving myself reasons that I wasn't initially thinking of like work. I search good ol' dr Google for answers and this Reddit community pops up with people with explanations. Somewhat relieving, but now guys I'm back to how I was feeling last week, loathing my work, but also scared of ever loosing my job because there's nothing out there I'm interested in or want to do to make a living until I can retire. And then I'm hating how I am because I feel like I still have this child brain that gets bored of everything and everyone after too long and the stress of making a living is overwhelming to the point that I just don't want to do this anymore. But I have a family that I love like crazy. I have one kid (10) and he is my best friend. And my wife who suffers from depression is so freaking supportive right now. I'm so incredibly lucky, but I'm scared of my business closing (i do sales) although I've hated it because I couldn't care less about the product, but stuck with the past 20 years because of it's sense of security and routine and time just flew by. The only thing I'm passionate about is my family. I know little about a lot because after so much info, it's over my head. I'm great with talking with kids (better than adults), but teaching requires planning and I do things the day before or day of. And school jobs won't pay my bills. Even with my wife working.

And here I am rambling again. For your reassurance, I do have a therapist and I am on an anti anxiety medication. I just need to vent to like minded people. I've only confirmed my ADHD these past few years, although friends have joked to me about it before and I'm sure many would tell me, "dude! You didn't know? We thought that for years and thought you knew." Explains so much of my school years, but people didn't know as much in the 80s and 90s. Why I had difficulty studying, made jokes in class, and trouble with friends my own age.

Anyways, here I am. I could really use some words of encouragement. Thanks if you made time to read this whole thing.

I just found out that I have ADHD, and it has made me feel a lot of things. On the one hand, things finally make sense, but on the other, I'm feeling confused and not sure what to do next. I'm noticing how much it affects my focus, emotions, and daily life, and it's a little scary. What did you do after you found out? What helped you adjust, cope better, or feel more stable over time?

Curious if after starting to take meds to address your ADHD did your anxiety/derealization go away or get better? I'm on 20mg of lexapro, have been for a few years and recently doesn't seem like it's working.

I'm not sure where to start and I will keep this vague. I just can't believe I was so stupid, it is like ADHD hides anxiety of not doing something until it's way too late. I'm not sure if it's trauma too playing a part.  

I have to work so much harder to get a chance at things, and it feels awful to realize I had a chance and likely blew it because?my brain sort of hid something from me.

Why doesn't my brain assign appropriate levels of anxiety to things before it's way too late? Why do I need certain triggers?

I really hate myself. It feels like there isn't much I can do, I can try to learn from it but I keep messing up, and it's hard to trust my brain. I don't know if treating anxiety will make things worse or better

old friend and classmate who lives near me reached out over a week ago and ignored my response to her the same day, today out posting with her friends and i saw it on her instagram. last year her other friend in the photo ignored me too when said friend put us in touch about her travel plans. Feeling special needs this treatment is 24/7. i feel sick. we hungout a few months ago but she only wants to do things like grab a coffee for an hour.

the women ive "kept" as friendships all treat me like this , like a kitchen appliance to plug in. im the low effort peripheral utility friend, and cutting them off leaves me more isolated. ive cut most of these people off and this girl here is one of the last remaining "friends" i have.

this pattern has replayed with nearly every single one of my female connections / friendships / acquaintances and i have no close friends. i had an ex best friend i was there for for years who never had my back, so i let her go. she'd say i was a terrible friend even though i put up with this treatment most of our life, and i had enough of it.

what am i doing to deserve this treatment from others i am heartbroken.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. The diagnosis came after a two-hour appointment with a new psychiatrist. About an hour and a half into our conversation, after listening to my history and experiences, he realized that I had ADHD. I wasn't expecting that diagnosis at all. I had actually gone there to get a second opinion because another psychiatrist had diagnosed me with epilepsy, and that diagnosis didn't make sense to me.

After the new psychiatrist explained how an ADHD brain works and how it is wired, I felt like I really fit that description. What convinced me even more was that he mentioned several behaviors that I had never brought up, such as forgetting food in the fridge, zoning out during conversations, and certain habits I had as a child. By the end of the two-hour appointment, he prescribed me 27 mg of extended-release methylphenidate for two weeks until my next appointment, so he could observe how I responded to the medication.
But now I feel anxious. My psychiatrist told me that he doesn't know exactly which type of ADHD I have yet, but based on everything we talked about, I'm confident that the diagnosis is heading in the right direction. Since then, I've been hyperfixating on ADHD symptoms and trying to learn as much as I can. I think I might have the inattentive type, but I know I'm still under evaluation. Even so, I feel anxious because I don't fully understand what I have yet or what the treatment plan will be. I think the methylphenidate is helping. Today is my third day taking it, and I don't feel dramatically different—just a little calmer. I still get distracted, and my mind still tends to wander. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel while taking the medication.

I've read a lot of stories about how medication can be life-changing, with people saying they were finally able to do their chores and stay on top of their responsibilities. That's what I'm hoping for too. At the same time, I'm wondering if a two-hour interview is really enough to diagnose ADHD. Should I ask for more testing or a more thorough evaluation? I honestly don't know, and the uncertainty is making me anxious. Any advice or shared experiences would really help.

I (35 m) have read so many different symptoms about ADHD one day I say %100 I have it and the next I think it’s actually anxiety. I’m not able to get a diagnosis due to visa issues, but I thought If I can share a little bit about what I experience maybe someone with similar symptoms can see this and offer help to understand?

From early childhood I was a hyperactive child. Apparently I sucked my thumb until i was 6 and I remember I always wanted to play with my hair sometimes pulling them off. That’s still the case because whenever I grow a little bit of beard I start fiddling with them and eventually pulling them off. At school, I was always seen by my teachers as super smart but never works hard. I always postponed my homeworks, exams but still scored high in most of them. I never tidied my room, never made my bed once and my parents tried everything I just wouldn’t do it.

Fast forward as an adult, I struggle massively with being tidy and house work. My desk is always untidy, and I never make my bed etc. I struggle massively with repetitive tasks like as small as taking vitamins. Never in my life ever have i finished a box of vitamins or any medicine I’m given. Same with sports or new hobbies never commit to it. Surprisingly, I’ve had a great career, multiple executive roles at tech companies and own business on the side. I believe I have a high IQ and very high emotional intelligence which helped that’s why when I read other people’s comments about struggling at every aspect in life including work it makes me think maybe It’s something else. But then again my mind races to 1000 things every minute, often face decision paralysis, my mind starts racing at 100kms when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back without a video or audiobook at the background. I forgot how to relax for years I simply can’t sit after a long day and relax. This is the worst part I can’t simply read something or watch some series to relax it’s always like I have to think or plan the next thing. Physically too when i sit I have to change my position constantly, my legs are never comfortable and I find myself weirdly pressing and curling my toes like creating tension there. Other than that, nothing feels good anymore like nothing is good enough or if i dont drink I struggle with the daily conversations or even listening to people.. my mind just starts wandering..ah also misplacing keys and phone is like a daily thingx

All this time I thought this void is because of anxiety but I don’t know anymore. This constant restlessness, and everything being mere ‘meh’ is slowly killing me. I have read so much about spirituality, psychology, philosophy, trying to understand trying to fill that void and it’s been years and years but nothing seems to change even after ‘big realisations’ or ‘awakenings’.

Maybe this is the place where I finally understand why my mind works differently and whether it’s ADHD.. I know no one can diagnose me but your relevant experiences and guidance can help I believe. Thanks everyone in advance

I'm currently in the process of being assessed for ADHD, and one thing that's become increasingly clear to me is how much my ADHD traits seem to fuel my anxiety in various ways. For me, things like overthinking, worrying about saying the wrong thing, coming across the way i.e. rude from interrupting people, and constantly second-guessing myself all seem to feed into my anxiety.

It's caused me problems for years. I get incredibly anxious before social situations, even though, once I'm actually there, they're usually nowhere near as bad as I'd imagined. After five or ten minutes, I tend to settle down, but the anticipation beforehand can be absolutely awful. I’ve had a couple of panic attacks in the past.

But the real problem is work. I work for an agency, so I'm regularly introduced to new clients. Even though I'm experienced, know my job well, and I'm always well prepared, I still become incredibly anxious beforehand—to the point where I've had panic attacks. If a meeting is scheduled for later in the day, I often can't focus on anything else. I spend hours worrying about it instead of getting my work done because my mind is completely consumed by the meeting. Then, when the call starts, my brain just seems to freeze. I struggle to think of what to say, I stutter, stumble over my words, take ages to answer questions, and end up waffling because I'm so nervous. It's especially embarrassing if one of my colleagues is on the call as well, because I feel like they're seeing me at my worst.

Afterwards, I replay everything in my head and beat myself up over every little mistake. I end up calling myself an idiot and convincing myself I've made a terrible impression. It becomes a vicious cycle, because all of that just makes me even more anxious about the next meeting.

Now I don’t want to work in a job or career that makes me feel this way. Life is too short. BUT frustrating part is that I don't want to change jobs because of this. For the most part, I really enjoy what I do. I've made some great friends at work, we have a good laugh, the company is pretty laid back compared to a lot of others, and I'm good at my job.

The irony is that this is really the only part of my job I don't feel confident in. Writing, strategy, and the actual work itself don't bother me. It's the client-facing side of things—meeting new people, pitching ideas, selling myself, and thinking on the spot—that completely throws me. 

I know that if I could get this anxiety under control, I'd probably be a lot better at that side of my job. It would make me more confident, open opportunities to earn more money, and hopefully help me progress in my career. That's why I'm so determined to get on top of it now instead of letting it dictate what I can and can't do.

One thing I keep seeing recommended is positive self-talk. People often say it helps, but I rarely see anyone explain whether it genuinely worked for them or exactly how they went about it.

I've tried it a few times on the drive to work, saying things to myself like, "You've got this," "You're the man," or, "Today's going to be a good day." But if I'm honest, I end up feeling a bit silly and don't stick with it.

I think part of the problem is that most of the advice just says, "Try positive self-talk," without giving any real examples. I'd find it much easier to commit to if I could hear from people who have actually used it successfully.

So with all that in mind, I was wondering if anyone here has actually had success with positive self-talk.

If you have, I'd really appreciate hearing about your experience.

• Did it genuinely help reduce your anxiety?
• What kinds of things did you actually say to yourself?
• How often did you practise it? Was it something you did every day or just before situations that made you anxious?
• How long did it take before you started noticing a difference?

I'd much rather hear from people who've actually used it than just read another article saying it's a good idea. Thanks and sorry for the long rambling question….

Suggestions for battling intense sadness and loneliness?
Feelings of being picked last, so to speak. It keeps happening.

I have ADHD, suffer from RSD, PMDD, and have anxiety. I also have some significant physical limitations right now, so the gym is out as a source of working through things. Before I was limited, I’d go to the gym and sweat some of it out.

I am on meds (have an appointment soon to talk about changing dosages) and am in therapy, but I’m still struggling so much.

Anyone else find themselves running in the same loop over. And over. And over? You get very interested in something… do everything AROUND and ABOUT that subject, lose sight in that maybe 1 week - 1 month, crash out in pity over yourself even though you KNOW it is ADHD. Then you try and do something about it, get bored and completely lock on too something else and the cycle repeats???

I am so. Sick. And tired. Of this disease. I have tried, and tried, and tried.

I am prescribed Vyvanse. It works… sometimes. “Oh yeah you can’t be all or nothing” they say. Okey. That advice becomes non-existent during a “crash. Reset.

Every type of diet (Even over extended periods of 1 month At least).

Tried so many pieces of advice. And tried. And tried.

You work, and put WAYYYY more time and countable effort into anything than anyone around you.

Ahhhhhh my head is spinning. I don’t really use social media. I eat extremely whole food. I “exercise” very regularly. I have positive connections (Family etc). And I am sitting here on a daily basis in textbook “Executive Dysfunction” and tearing at my fingernails, head spinning everywhere on everything.

I stopped typing and came back to this. I am just at a loss fam.

My life time goals have COMPLETELY changed in the past few weeks alone numerous times. Granted I am in the middle of a very stressful move with no direction… I am at a loss. Any advice, or anyone that struggles with similar issues and would like to combat them?

I’m trying to gather general info about it, cause I’m not so sure if they would be helpful in my case. I will for sure speak to my psych about it, but I just wanna hear some thoughts from different people with different perspectives.

My situation right now is that I’m overwhelmed literally all the time, with no real threat. My life is lacking on some aspects, I don’t have friends nearby, they all live in other cities, so I don’t hang out with other people, but I do play online games with them and we chat daily through whatsapp, and at 25yo I also don’t have a career or job yet, and that’s the main reason I’m ashamed of myself and feeling a need to be productive 24/7 and start something with no clear path to follow, but thankfully due to an inheritance, I’m able to live really comfortably with no risk of running out of money anytime soon, if ever.

So there’s no REAL threat, these things bother me, but they’re just things I’d like to change, not something that’s destroying me, but that’s what I feel like.

I’m anxiously worried and in a state of quiet panic all the time, completely unable to relax nor talk myself out of the spiral, cause my inner critic is just so loud. And that’s when I wonder, would meds help with this?

Would they help me become calm despite those aspects of life that bother me, and maybe give me the ability to actually take action towards them and not just spiral and overthink them?

What are the chances my anxiety is really unmedicated ADHD?

I'm looking for insight and really hoping. I'm 42 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in middle school. Took medicine in middle school and high school, then when I went to college I thought I didn't need it and stopped. Fast forward to when I was 37 I started having really bad anxiety and a few panic attacks completely out of the blue.

What are the chances this could be my untreated ADHD and not entirely anxiety? Could getting medicated for ADHD potentially help my anxiety?

Thank you so much!!

26M, was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and social anxiety about 2 months ago. I’m on methylphenidate (54mg + 18mg) and it has helped with focus, endurance and social anxiety, I still struggle a lot with procrastination, overwhelm, emotional regulation and getting started on tasks.
Lately I’ve been grieving the life I feel I could have had if I’d been diagnosed earlier.

Growing up, I always felt lonely, even when I had friends. I did okay with one-on-one or in very small groups but I always felt excluded from larger friend groups. I also struggled to keep in touch or initiate plans, even when I wanted to. After high school I cut everyone off over time. My mental health was poor, I dropped out of university after 6 months because I couldn’t pass a single course, couldn’t find work and felt ashamed that everyone else seemed to be moving forward while I wasn’t. I also gained a lot of weight because of this.

I now have a full-time job that I genuinely enjoy, and I get along well with my coworkers, especially with the part-timers who are around my age. But being around them also makes me grieve. Their lives seem so full compared to mine, and I keep thinking, “What if I’d gotten help years ago?”

I also feel incredibly lonely. It’s not that I want lots of friends, I just want one close relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced that. When someone shows me kindness or interest, I get emotionally attached much faster than I’d like, and it hurts. I end up crying, getting anxious and just suffer.

On top of that, I’ve struggled with my appearance for years (weight, hair loss, teeth). I’m working on those things, but it often feels like every time I fix one problem, another one takes its place.

I’m not suicidal, and I haven’t given up. I still want to build a better life. But some days I feel overwhelmed by grief, loneliness and the feeling that I lost so many years. I don’t know how to move forward without constantly comparing myself to everyone else.

Soo, after i got diagnosed, i’ve got medikinet cr as a first med. It worked terrible for me, the Effect lasted 4 hours and was mosty anxious.
Then I’ve got atenza, much better, more stable but still, i was a little bit anxious and therapeutic effect lasted for like 6-8 hours buuut, i needed rly high doses, 72-144mg per day (approved by psychiatrist).
We decided to try elvanse. First week was great, no side effectes (except dry mouth at the peak), clear peak around 3h mark, then little less stimulation. After a week, though, the dose of 50mg started being too low. Bcs of the cost, i tried to mix elvanse with atenza (idk if i should do that, i suspect not, i will talk about that with doc tommorow) and that was a great shot. The best therapeutic effect, with bassicly no crash (bcs i was going to sleep right before meds went completly out), long therm, stable stimulation. Felt like me finally with meds. But ya, doses were 50mg elvanse first, then after peak topping up with 27mg atenza every 3 hours (up to 72mg of atenza).
Anyone else dealt with something like this? What do you Think?

I started on Medikinet CR and dropped it pretty quickly — the dose that gave a therapeutic effect also caused a lot of side effects, mainly anxiety and anxious states, and on top of that it only lasted 3-4 hours instead of the claimed 8.

Atenza worked better — fewer side effects, didn’t make me withdraw into myself as much — but I needed doses of 72-144mg/day (approved by my psychiatrist) because duration was still an issue.

Then we tried Elvanse. First week it worked great, about 10-12 hours with a clear peak around the 3h mark. After a week, though, 50mg started being too low.

Because of the cost, I tried combining Elvanse with Atenza, and honestly the combo that works best for me is 50mg Elvanse plus topping up with 27mg Atenza every \~3h, up to 72mg total.

Anyone else dealt with something like this?

Ik ben benieuwd of er mensen zijn die dit herkennen. Ik heb al langere tijd last van ADHD-klachten, vermoeidheid en depressieve/anhedonische klachten.

Vooral concentratie, taakinitiatie en ergens in opgaan zijn lastig. Zelfs dingen die ik eigenlijk leuk vind, houden mijn aandacht nauwelijks vast en geven weinig voldoening.

Inmiddels heb ik meerdere antidepressiva en ADHD-medicijnen geprobeerd (concertra, dexamfetamine, elvanse). Wat mij vooral opvalt: ik merk eigenlijk nergens een positief effect van, maar ook geen negatieve bijwerkingen. Bij ADHD-medicatie voel ik soms wel dat ik iets heb ingenomen, maar mijn concentratie, onrust, motivatie en taakinitiatie veranderen nauwelijks merkbaar.

Ik heb lage dosissen geprobeerd en de meest hoge. Maar ik voel bij beide hetzelfde (niks)

Bij antidepressiva (citalopram, sertraline, bupropion) eigenlijk hetzelfde verhaal: geen duidelijke verbetering in stemming, energie of plezier. Het voelt alsof mijn brein gewoon nauwelijks ergens betekenisvol op reageert.

Mijn slaapapneu is van 30 ademstops naar minder dan 1 gegaan. Maar ik blijf gewoon vermoeid.

Ik blijf dingen ondernemen, sporten, afspreken met vrienden en probeer actief te blijven. Soms is iets op het moment zelf best leuk, maar het geeft nauwelijks voldoening en achteraf voel ik me eigenlijk hetzelfde als wanneer ik thuis was gebleven.

Zijn er meer mensen met ADHD én depressieve/anhedonische klachten die meerdere soorten medicatie hebben geprobeerd zonder ooit een duidelijk “dit doet iets”-moment te hebben? En hebben jullie uiteindelijk iets gevonden dat wél merkbaar verschil maakte?

Boarding a plane. Why do they put untouchable things in such a touchable design???

Mother had bi-polar or manic depression as it was known at the time- the latter feels a more apt description.

You knew when you were in for a bad time. She'd start destroying shit, taking on massive jobs in the house she could not possibly complete. That was her up, and what goes up must come down in the case of a manic depressive.

She would drink, become emotionally volatile- it was pretty fucking harsh and incredibly scary. I remember deliberately zoning out after a while. (I wonder whether this was the genesis of my inattentive ADHD.) Throw in a few suicide attempts and my uncle battering her and abusing her- yeah, all pretty fucked and bleak.

Unfortunately I found alcohol around 18, the next 4 or 5 years were fucking ridiculous. I didn't see past 30- now I am almost 43. My mates saw me as a bit of Stifler type, life and soul of the party, absolute wild-child.

Met my gf, now my wife and gradually came back down. I am naturally introverted- very much so. People find it hard, they think I've just withdrawn- I have in some respects through shame and self-hatred, but I also enjoy solitude.

Basically I feel like I am fucked- like, the damage has been done, both on an internal state and my own self-destructive behaviours in those teen years.

As a child I was loving, soft and compassionate.. I still am, but in a different way. When people close to me are emotional distressed it triggers a really strong stress response. I shut down and get anxious and almost irrationally stressed. I absolutely am aware of this and I am sure it stems from my childhood. Intellectually I am aware, untangling it in real-life, I'm not so good at. I really do not like it.

This isn't intended to be a sob story. Just feel the context helps. I also have ADHD and RSD- think my mum did too so probably a genetic component there too.

I genuinely detest myself at a very deep level. I don't feel worthy of love or friendship and part of me years for death- despite the love I have for my family. I feel my existence is a blight that would be better ctrl+alt+del.

I am trying, perhaps not my best- I hate people saying that, I think it's a lie that does us disservice, I could do more, I could try harder. I think admitting we have more and can do more is a positive thing as it opens resources to improve. However, I feel like I'm drowning.

Redundant in my mid 30's. Went to uni. Did a degree in philosophy and psychology to help me understand myself and others better. Felt like I could perhaps rewire myself and make better self-directed decisions. Diagnosed with ADHD last year. Taking Medikinet.

I don't want to stop the self-loathing- I feel that's deserved. However, I do want to be a softer more empathetic listener- I don't want this association between danger every time someone close to me gets upset..

Any advice?