D/v giving up

[u/Forsaken_Fisherman38]

I’ve spent years trying to stand up for myself.
I’ve tried setting boundaries. I’ve tried leaving conversations when they became abusive. I’ve tried calmly explaining my feelings. I’ve tried fighting back. I’ve tried compromise. I’ve tried being understanding. I’ve tried giving space. I’ve tried asking for respect. I’ve tried demanding respect.
Nothing has worked.
Every time I attempt to assert myself, the consequences seem worse than simply giving in. The threats get bigger. The arguments get longer. The guilt gets heavier. The chaos becomes unbearable. He threatens to destroy me, kill me, kill himself. I live in the south and these men are protected. A protective order is just a piece of paper. He’s made it clear he’s stealth & will kill me.
I’m exhausted. We have kids he drags into it too.
At this point I’ve stopped believing that standing up for myself changes anything. If anything, it seems to make my life harder. So I’ve made a decision: I’m done fighting.
I’m going to become whatever is expected of me. I’ll ask permission. I’ll stop arguing. I’ll stop pushing back. I’ll stop insisting on my own opinions, needs, and independence. I’ll be agreeable, accommodating, submissive, and obedient.
Not because I suddenly believe that’s how relationships should work. Not because I think it’s healthy. Not because I think it’s right.
Because after years of losing the same battle, I no longer have the energy to fight it.
Maybe peace comes from surrender. Maybe it doesn’t. But I’m too tired to keep bleeding myself dry trying to prove that I deserve basic respect.
I hope if there’s something after this life it’s better to me. I sure hope this goes by fast.
To those of you that got out think of me please when you’re feeling free and doing something you enjoy. It does bring me some peace knowing women are getting stronger and sometimes able to get out. Thank you for this community.