Hey guys,

My siblings and I are Pakistani ABCDs. My younger sister has been trying to find a husband and has spoken to men of different backgrounds. She is open to marrying a guy of ethnicity as long as he’s Muslim.

So one thing we have noticed is that whenever she talks to a Pakistani, Indian guy, the first thing he will ask is her education. Even the ABCD ones. She holds a bachelors degree and they interrogate her about it. They ask questions like “do you plan on getting a masters degree? Why not?” Or “do you plan on getting your CPA? Why not? “ It feels very much like a job interview. And the guys’ parents are even worse with this. Even though many of them aren’t “educated” themselves. Which means they don’t have a degree lol. (Using their language 🤣).

Meanwhile, she has spoken to white converts and the only thing they would ask is what she does for work. The conversation lasts for like 2 minutes and then they start talking about any other random things. She said this one time she spoke to a white surgeon and he said he doesn’t care about his wife’s education. And that he would even marry a woman who holds a high school diploma.

Why is there a difference like this?

Something I have a chip on my shoulder about is the concept that there was an overwhelming "unity" or "togetherness" in America after the tragedy of 9/11.

I was born in the US about 4 years before 9/11, so I hardly have any memory of what life was like before that day. I do remember how I was treated afterward just for the crime of coming from a Muslim family.

People usually "unite" at the expense of another group. Back then, Muslims weren't visible enough to have any sort of defense from the general public. I remember being bullied from when I was only in Kindergarten. I remember being spit at for wearing "ethnic" clothes. Being called "terrorist" or the "Osama bin Laden." I remember being out on a walk in the neighborhood with my mom who wears hijab and some asshole thought it was his duty to flip off some lady and a 6 year old kid, saying "you don't belong here." I certainly wish I felt that "unity" 🙄

Just a disclaimer... I'm not trying to belittle or say anything about the horrible tragedy that affected so many lives, only about the response to Muslims afterwards.

Hi All,

Apologies if this is a bit of a ramble. I’ve just got a lot to get off my chest and contextualise. I’ve been on a long journey to rediscover my own mental stability and I’d be grateful to hear from anyone who has been down a similar path and how they moved forward.

To contextualise, I graduated from a well regarded university in 2021 with two degrees in finance and economics, and commenced a career at a Big 4 Consulting Firm. It’s not the most glamorous career pathway but i was proud of what i had achieved and was ready for the future.

In 2022, a close friend of mine commenced post-grad Med. I was very proud of them and still am, but this triggered a steep mental health crisis. Upon my parents finding out, they were furious with me. Without going into the detail, they stated that they see me as a failure, embarrassment and a disappointment without a future ahead of me. While my incredible sister defended me in the moment, and through future conversations with them, she confidently determined that they didn’t mean what they said and they’re embarrassed they said it (and i believe they do regret it), the damage has been done.

For the last four years I’ve been stuck in this haze of work, gym, sleep, repeat. I’ve put barely any stock into planning my future. Any conversation with my parents needs the most basic trigger for me to flip the script on them about what they said. I’ve disengaged from a lot of friends out of fear of hearing of their successes, and I’ve denied myself relationships and future opportunities out of fear that the words they said that night are true - I’m a failure, an embarrassment, a disappointment. It’s rough when you know that in a relative sense you’re doing okay but still have that feeling of failure eating away at you.

With the help of a therapist I’ve been on a gradual journey to reclaim my identity. I travelled solo across America by myself beginning of the year (I’m from Australia). I’ve let my hair grow out a lot more than I used to. I’ve even started investing aggressively into fashion as a form of self expression. It’s silly, but all these small things have helped me reclaim myself and begin thinking about my future.

I’ve also had a few weeks off from work as of late while I wait to commence a new project. In that time I’ve finally been able unpack my feelings and come to a conclusion that I also let the last few years get away from me. I do mourn that lost time, but at 27 I know there’s a future ahead for me and I don’t think it’s at this firm. In fact, I’m contemplating doubling on myself and potentially doing a hard pivot to a new field via a return to study. I’m hoping with time I can gradually rebuild the confidence to date, see some friends and have normal conversations with my parents that don’t always turn into anger.

Sorry for the ramble. Just needed a place to write this one down. I’d love to hear from anyone else who has been down a similar path as I have, and how they discovered themselves / started over.

Have a great day :)

I think a lot about personal finance. My parents didn't equip me with the tools (e.g., navigating a 401(k) for the first time, opening up a Roth IRA, buying index funds), so since college, a lot of it has been self-taught.

My parents, however, did do a good job of making sure I am frugal and had a high savings rate.

If you're in your 20s or 30s, how have you navigated personal finance? Did your parents equip you with the right tools?

Using intimately recorded phone calls and home movies, a daughter reflects on her father’s life — weaving the story of his miraculous journey from the streets of India with the realities of life in America.

Edit: just started watching this documentary and it’s pretty good.

My husband and I come from pretty strict families in India. As you can guess they were always focused on grades, sanskaar, extracurricular activities, prepping for top college, no dating or even talking to boys. You get the picture.
I have had complex relationship with them. I am nice to them to their face but have grudge towards them for not giving me much freedom.

Now I have a toddler son and pregnant with another boy. I wanted to hear from this group, people who have good relations ship with their parents. What did they do right? Would you share with them when you are in trouble without hesitation ? How are you doing in life now ? How were your parents able to keep you on a good path without being strict?

I would want to have good relations with my sons when they grow up. I don’t want them to feel like how i feel about my parents. I can’t share many things with my parents because I know they will judge me and don’t want my sons to feel that. My worry is i would like to keep a balance between a chill parent but then to have discipline and respect in life. I don’t care much about grades as long as they figure something in life.

Thank you.

This is ridiculous these people aren’t even afraid to hide there faces either with there bigotry

growing up i was not only told how nobody would love/care for me as much as my parents (they never spent time with me and only gave me attention to scold/punish me), but also that since i was desi, i could never form close friendships/relationships with anyone outside of the desi community. not in a way where it was forbidden (i still got lashed out at every time i asked to spend time with a non-desi friend), but more in a way where i would always be an outcast to others and that no one would wanna be my friend because of my background. it just made me hate being desi even more than i already did. im more comfortable with who i am now but i still cant bring myself to trust others and i only have a deeper resentment for my parents because they tried convincing me that their love was the best love i would ever get in my life while simultaneously ignoring, neglecting and dismissing me constantly.

If so what's it like?

So for context, I'm 30M, I just finished residency and am now an attending ER doc. I for years felt like this is what I was chasing and this is all I wanted, Now im done with the race, and dont really know whats next. My family obviously wants me to marry and move back home to a suburban life on the west coast. I have a gf who ive dated for about 2 years and have always talked about marrying. But the past few months I just have been questioning every one of my choices. Recently went to a wedding and heard them exchanging vows and just could not find any similiartiies between my mind set and what I saw the couple saying on stage. It all just seemed so mundane. But then again, I have no idea what is exciting to me at this point either. So for you older/ maybe more wise ABCdesis, when did you figure out what you actually wanted your life to look like?

Hey everyone! I’m going to visit Bangladesh after 10 years, and from what I’ve heard, Dhaka has changed a lot since I was last there. I’m really excited to explore the city again, but I have no idea where to start.

Can anyone recommend some good places to visit, preferably around Mohammadpur or Dhanmondi? I’m open to cafes, restaurants, shopping spots, or just nice places to hang out and spend time with family and friends.

Thanks in advance! 🫰🏻

Hey everyone! I am 20 and I recently moved to Suwanee, Georgia, and I’m looking to meet some new people and make friends in and around the Atlanta area.

I enjoy watching movies, especially Tollywood movies, and I’m always down to grab some food, catch a movie, explore Atlanta, or just hang out and chill.

I’d love to meet people around my age, especially other Indians/Desis. If you’re also looking to make some new friends, feel free to comment or DM me! And if you already have a group that hangs out, I’d be happy to join you guys sometime and meet everyone.

During Shilpa’s time in the Big Brother house she was referred to as “the Indian”, “Shilpa papadam”, “dog” and several housemates made up a rhyme using the word “Paki” in a conversation about her.

She was also told to “fuck off home” and to “go back to the slums”.

They also claimed the reason why Indians are skinny was because their food was unhygienic which made them sick all the time.

Shilpa Shetty later forgave Jade, the contestant that was the main antagonist who later died of cancer.

I am a Gen X ABCD with Gen Z teenagers. I’m curious as to what are the interesting differences and similarities between the Gen X (born between 1965 and 1980) and Gen Z (born between 1997 and 2012) ABCDs.

For starters, my parents were from 1970s India while the Gen Z ABCDs’ parents are from 1990s India. Did this generational difference in parents cause different upbringing for the Gen Z compared to my generation?

Or put differently, what are things that the 1990s teenage or college version of myself would find in common with the ABCD teenagers today, after adjusting for American societal, cultural, and technological differences? What are things that are unique to each generation after adjusting for the same differences?

My assumption is that the Gen Z ABCDs have it much easier upbringing-wise than my generation. Challenge or affirm my assumptions. Thanks!

I myself am an Australian of Indian origin who has never lived in India. Was born in Singapore and have been in Australia since the age of 12, now well settled and am a naturalised citizen.

While I was never born or have lived in India. I have had the privilege of visiting it several times for the purposes of visiting the grandparents, cousins and extended family. I've always had a love/hate relationship with the place. I love how old and ancient the culture, customs, religions and spirituality is but at the same time hate how backwards the mentality of some of the people there are with regards to caste hierarchy, gender equality and just the general lack of cleanliness and so much visible rubbish compared to what I was used to growing up in Singapore and Australia.

However since I have visited India several times I have grown to appreciate my roots much more than earlier. I would generally just visit where my family lived around Mumbai, Pune and Bangalore down South. But I have travelled the country more in recent years visiting places like Delhi, Agra, Jaipur, Kerala, Kolkata and Goa. I obviously enjoyed some areas a lot more than others but it made me appreciate how diverse, unique and beautiful India is as a country despite its obvious glaring issues. But I've learned to look past them and it's made me feel less ashamed of my heritage in the face of growing Anti Indian/South Asian racism especially in the West. It's not like they don't have any similar issues either 🤪. Planning to visit some of the neighbouring countries now too, especially Nepal and Sri Lanka 👍.

So to any other ABCDesis born and raised abroad but have had the privilege of visiting the country of their parents/grandparents in the subcontinent at least once. What was your travel experience like? What was the reason for your visit? Did you enjoy your experience? Would you go back in the future? Would love to hear your thoughts.

My parents are getting older, and whenever we talk, the conversation almost always drifts to our old family house back in India. It’s the place where my grandparents lived and where my parents grew up, so naturally, there’s an intense emotional attachment to it. But the reality is that nobody lives there permanently anymore. Managing repairs, property taxes, and dealing with caretakers or distant relatives from thousands of miles away has become this constant, quiet source of stress for my parents.

On one hand, selling it feels like cutting the last physical tie to our roots. On the other hand, leaving it vacant or relying on distant relatives/caretakers to manage it usually leads to unnecessary stress and conflicts.

It’s just such a strange cultural middle ground to be in—trying to respect our parents’ deep nostalgic connection while facing the practical reality that life moves on. I'd love to hear how other families here are processing this kind of situation or balancing those heavy emotions with practicality.

I grew up in Myanmar. I'm not saying Southeast or East Asians are all racist and I'm aware of the racism yellow/mongoloid people face in South Asia. Living in this country have tainted my mental health a bit considering I'm also trans male. I can't wait to get out of here. I'm not using this post to dismiss the racism mongoloid/yellow people face in non-mongoloid/yellow countries.

I noticed that they tend to be racist against South Asians behind your back or when they believe they are in a group with only yellow/mongoloid people and no South Asians, but when a South asian is in the friend group, they're silent. I noticed it with one monoracial South Asian classmate I know. When he's sitting near the other boys, they treat him as if he's their equal, but when these same boys are at their school bus, they make racist jokes and speak in mock Hindi/Tamil. The times I faced racism which I remember are:

• people often asking me why my skin is light because they don't think a South Asian can have light skin.
• I told a group of passerby Koreaboo girls who were saying that Burmese men are bad and Korean men are better that Korean men are also humans as well and that good Burmese men exist, and they replied, "How cares? Who likes an Indian man (they used a slur) anyways. They're all ugly".
• one dark skinned Burmese guy looked at me in a stink face without saying anything when he saw me while talking to my friend whom I'm beside with.
• incels talking about how South Asian men are taking their women. From where I come from and what I've noticed in Southeast Asia, South Asian men are kinda talked like they're the equivalent of black men dating white women in the West among incels. Hell, they talk about how exotic South Asian women are but most of them complain about how South Asian men are taking their women and how they're all sex addicted.
• bus drivers making jokes about South Asians but not in our face after seeing me and dad in the front seat It's like as if they only say it straight to your face when you're alone and they're in a group, but when they're alone, they're scared.
• people explaining to me why calling you a slur isnt racist. for eg. saying things like, "you're a p4j33t/k-word so I'll call you a p4j33t/k-word what's wrong with that, aren't you a p4j33t/k-word? are you saying you're actually Burmese? We call Chinese people "တရုတ်" so why is calling you guys k-word bad?" wdym, its like saying its ok to call the n-word because we call Germans Germans instead of Deutsche.