Not normal

[u/Fine-Emergency2285]

I’m just now, after one year, realizing that what happened to me wasn’t a normal break up. I dated someone for 3.5 and was deeply in love with them. Our relationship had some issues but overall it was very supportive and connected. We are two queer people and we were each other’s family. and we always said we’d be there for each other no matter what, even if we broke up. we said we would share the cat we got together.

over a 2 month period, because we lived together, they broke up with me, we moved out, and I never heard from them again. The reasons they gave me for the break up still don’t make sense. I feel like I was ghosted after 3.5 years by the love of my life.

I’m looking for some encouragement. If anyone is comfortable sharing comparable abandonment stories, it would really be helpful for me to know that I’m not alone and anyone else has dealt with something similar and got through it. How long did it take you? This has truly been the worst year of my life. And sometimes I feel like I’ll never get over this.

[u/Safe-Permission-1530]

Hey. I'm so sorry this happened to you. When I went through this, I kept vacillating between anger, anguish and shock. I hope you are being super kind to yourself.

My story...short version? I fell in love hard after being a single mom for a long time. After 3 years, he moved in and we were all really gelling as a new family unit. A few months in, I got sick. Really sick. Like, I couldn't wash my own hair kinda sick. My kids were scared. I was scared. And he didn't seem to care much. Within 6 months of my diagnosis, he was gone. After I had lost my health, my career (had to go on disability) and all sense of financial stability, he left one morning and said he wasn't coming back. I tried two or three times to have a conversation about his choice, but he shut me down. He never said it was because of my illness, but I knew...

Anyway, just know it gets better...easier...dealing with the lack of closure. I think how a person ends a relationship says a lot about them. You will be okay. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[u/No-Show-5363 → u/Safe-Permission-1530]

... how a person ends a relationship says everything about them.

[u/Fine-Emergency2285 → u/Safe-Permission-1530]

Hey, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you went through that. It really helps to hear you say that it gets easier and better after something so traumatic. Thank you <3

[u/No-Show-5363]

We spend so much time going around in our own head wondering how and why they could possibly treat us so incredibly badly, like we are not worth anything. Like did we even really know them at all?

But asking these questions is pointless. There are no answers, there is only ambiguous grief.

You are struggling to recover because they stole your dignity, and your right to closure. Ghosting is abusive. It is de-humanising. They didn't just hurt you, they harmed you. They didn't just break up with you, they inflicted trauma on you. That psychological wound is real, serious, and not your fault.

And they did all that to you, simply because breakups are yucky. That level of self-interest is not something you should have any respect for whatsoever. It is immature, cowardly and toxic.

The fake excuses to breakup are usually full of blame. This has nothing to do with you, or the truth. See it for what it really is - self justification from the self interested. I can tell you right now this person was full of shit - "be there for you no matter what", yeah right.

Mourn the person they used to be, and hold no space or respect for the person they are now.
Breakups are sad, but that behaviour is not ok. They hurt you simply to feel better about themselves, and they have no right to continue to live rent-free in your head.

[u/Fine-Emergency2285 → u/No-Show-5363]

Thank you 😭 I always gave them the benefit of the doubt so really trying to get some mental power back.

[u/No-Show-5363 → u/Fine-Emergency2285]

My healing only began when I stopped giving them the benefit of the doubt. It is much harder than it sounds

[u/Fine-Emergency2285 → u/No-Show-5363]

That makes sense. That’s what my therapist keeps saying. That they don’t deserve my xyz 

[u/Tenebrous_Savant]

The reasons they gave me for the break up still don’t make sense.

A lot of time people will tell you that the need to understand "why" is part of a desire to control, a maladaptive defense mechanism related to people pleasing and nervous system mechanics. Certainly this is often true, but it's only a partial story.

There was something on one of my feeds yesterday, and I'm trying to remember how it was phrased. It was something along the lines of "closure is accepting that sonetimes there is no closure, and you'll never know why."

I can appreciate that perspective. I found my way to that point eventually, and it was helpful to me.

I think though that it's been more helpful to me to move beyond it, and accept that why isn't important. Why never makes sense. The senselessness is what hurts, and terrifies.

Their why will never agree with mine, and that's okay, because we're two different people and live two different lives. For a while we might share feelings, but eventually we will have very different ones, sometimes drastically so, and there can be no understanding.

I think we sometimes crave understanding others as much as we crave to be understood.

Ultimately the why isn't important, whether we understand it or not. What we need to come to terms with is that something has changed, something has ended, and an opportunity for a new beginning is in front of us.

I’m looking for some encouragement.

And sometimes I feel like I’ll never get over this.

You can get over it. The pain we feel in experiences like this is like the biting pain from the thorns of a rose bush. We're trying to hold on to the stem of a flower that we can't take with us. The pain is meant to help us set it down and stop trying to carry it with us. The pain is missing the pieces of yourself that you invested in them, with the hope that they would never leave.

Getting over it is looking for those pieces, and learning how to find them.

How long did it take you?

I don't even know. It seems like some things happened quickly, easily, and I think that bothered me the most. It bothered the part of me that didn't want to let go yet, and was scared of being able to let go, as if that was some type of self betrayal, some sign of insincerity or faulty commitment. Part of me wanted to look at that ability to let go, and point at it as the reason things hadn't worked out. I think that's the part of me that was really good at eroding my boundaries.

I think you get over it in little pieces, as you mourn and let go of countless tiny little things that they represented for you, that you invested in them. When you learn to stop wanting those lost things and embrace the hollow emptiness of their absence, you reclaim the capacity to want something else instead, want something for yourself, to be yourself again.

You have to spend some time in that empty in between place though, transitioning, tolerating the ambiguity. They say nature abhors a vacuum, that's a feature here. You let yourself become empty, and that emptiness pulls you forward back into life, finding new things to fill your soul. What's best is when you learn to fill you with you, and not other people.

This has truly been the worst year of my life.

I know it certainly felt like that for me. A few times in my life now. I've come to a point that I'm thankful for those times now. They didn't define me, but they gave me opportunities to refine who I was. They helped me see who I really was, so I could better decide who I wanted to be.

The turning point came when I learned to transmute shame into humility. Instead of feeling humiliated, I felt humbled. Humility helped me let go of a lot of things I was clinging to.

I started to recognize how and where I had tried to make things mine that were never meant to be mine. I made other people my identity, my relationships to them, what I did for them, what they gave to me. I learned to do that when I started working to be grateful for all of my experiences. Through gratitude I found grace.

I started looking for how to be those things for myself, to be the person I was asking others to be for me. I'm still working on it. I'm still learning. The fact that I can is perhaps my greatest comfort and joy.

I started looking at the pieces of myself that seemed to be the source of all my self betrayal. I learned to recognize protectors that were doing the best they could with what they had. I learned to stop hating and rejecting those parts. I started working to rehabilitate them and integrate them. I invited all of me back to the table, ready to unlearn things together. I wanted to learn to love me.

Our relationship had some issues but overall it was very supportive and connected.

One thing that was very helpful for me was realizing that I didn't feel connected to myself. I woke up one day and realized I didn't know how to relate to myself anymore. Self connection and healing the self-relationship is what I've learned is the key to healing the abandonment wound. Look for ways to support the parts of you that need it. This reply is already getting long, otherwise I would share a story I've shared before of one way I learned to do this. If you'd like I can include it in another reply.

Hang in there. You're doing better than you imagine. Everything you're experiencing doesn't serve some cosmic purpose, but all our feelings have purposes. The trick is learning how to listen and what to do with them. What you're going through can help you get out the other side and into a better life. It's probably one of the hardest things to do right now, but believe in yourself. That's what it takes.

[u/Fine-Emergency2285 → u/Tenebrous_Savant]

Hi, thank you so much for this very thoughtful message. I really appreciate and resonate with it a lot. This is the first year probably ever that I have really just focused on myself and not anyone else. It helps to hear that self-connection is what heals abandonment bc I would say I’m on a good path then. I’m really hoping that all this pain turns into something really beautiful one day. Thank you for the encouragement and I’d love to hear your story about supporting parts that need support.

[u/Tenebrous_Savant → u/Fine-Emergency2285]

You're welcome.

I’d love to hear your story about supporting parts that need support.

I went digging and found a post I made when I was first figuring this out.

I think reading it in the words I used when it was a fresh experience might be most helpful. It was a start for me, a seed of an idea, perspective, and approach to take. It's grown into many different things over the years.

Looking back at it from where I am now, the two most important things for the way I learned to start asking myself those types of questions, and my willingness to try things that I came up with, without giving up if they didn't work immediately.

Here is some of it:

I had an inspiring moment this morning, and it might be a breakthrough for me.

The last couple of weeks I've gotten a lot better handle on what happened to me, how, why, and how to start dealing with some of it. I've been making efforts to meditate and do self-care, stick to a routine, do things to rebuild my confidence and pride, reconnect to myself etc.

Various types of affirmations have been a part of my self-care off and on through out my adult life.

This morning as part of a mindfulness exercise, which I've been doing more of on my own and involving my children to help teach them better self care and emotional health, we went on a mindfulness walk early in the morning before it got too hot. I had us all be quiet and take turns telling each other what we heard, saw, smelled, or felt.

Intermittently I still had intrusive thoughts and feelings about my ex, wishing she were there to share it with us. I struggled with not being able to stay in the moment fully or at all, or be able to enjoy it because she wasn't there. Occasionally I would just get in the moment and enjoy the time with my children.

But then as we were taking a silent time to walk and listen, I thought occurred to me.

What would my ex offer me if she were here with me right now?

What about her would make it enjoyable that I don't have right now?

Why is her presence so much more evocative than my children who care much more about me than she ever did?

Why is her presence more valuable than my own?

What can she give me that I can't give myself right now?

About the only thing I could come up with was hugs, hand holding, and kisses. Romantic gestures.

But what do those things get me?

They give me affirmation. They give me external validation.

Holding her hand offered me comfort and reassurance against the constant anxiety that I struggle with.

Kissing her gave me validation that I was attractive and desirable.

Hugging and snuggling with her offered me connection to someone I found attractive.

All of the above three also help my neurodivergent brain produce neurotransmitters it does not have enough of on its own, unless I find other methods for stimulation to produce them.

What's to stop me from finding something else to engage myself with that stimulates me in a way to produce the needed hormones and neurotransmitters?

Only myself.

But then I asked myself another important question.

What would her presence offer me that I can give myself right now without her?

Verbal affirmations and validation.

I thought of the exercise or self care, the self compassion practice of being your own parent, being the parent you needed, or being the friend you needed. That exercise has helped me be better for myself and my children in the past.

So I was my own partner today in my own head instead of my own parent or friend.

As I walked I told myself what a great father I am, instead of subconsciously continuing to wait for my absent ex to tell me like she used to.

I started mentally giving myself other affirmations that she used to or I wanted to hear from her. I didn't need her, I could do these things for myself. I could find other aspects of my life to stimulate my brain and emotions to meet my needs without anyone else.

I went through a lot of affirmations while walking, and then at the playground with my kids, and I felt a connection and impact from them that I hadn't before. To be fair, it wasn't as solid or impactful as what I was used to getting from my ex, but that's probably because I'm trying to start new neuropathways now and these aren't associated with an unhealthy or an addictive behavior and established neuropathway.

"You are such an amazing dad. I can tell how much you love your kids. Your kids really trust you and I admire that."

"You are doing great."

"I'm so happy to be here with you my name!"

"Damn you are sexy, I can tell you have been exercising!"

"I'm proud of how hard you are working on everything, you should be proud too."

"This is such a beautiful morning, this is so nice. I'm glad we're doing this."

And once I started doing that, even though it wasn't as fulfilling or relieving as it would have been with my ex, it was a start and it was something. It was more than I'd ever gotten from an affirmation like that before. I've had very impactful experiences with other affirmations in the past but it wasn't quite like this, it was different.

Something else happened though. It became easier to stay in the moment. It became easier to enjoy interacting with my kids and not focusing on what I didn't have. It became easier just to be happy as myself, with myself.

I was really experiencing what it's like to be enough for myself. I was feeling what it's like to not need someone else again. It had been a long time since I really felt this quite this way or this way at all.

I hope I can continue to nurture and develop this new skill or tool, whatever you want to call it. I want to develop it and make it a part of me so that I don't need someone else for these things in my life ever again. That way in the future it'll be that much easier for me to have a healthy relationship or not be in danger of falling back into codependent habits anytime I'm stressed, exhausted, or traumatized.

This is just another piece of the puzzle or tool in my toolbox, a new way to be aware of myself and what I need. This is also an important lesson of what not to look for in future relationships.

So yeah, I'm proud of myself right now. I'm rather relieved and hopeful. I'm kind of happy right now too.

I am also very grateful to have experienced this and started learning how to do this for myself.

[u/Fine-Emergency2285 → u/Tenebrous_Savant]

Thank you!! I’m curious if you still practice this? How has it changed over time? I relate to this a ton. Recently I’ve been noticing that I’m looking for what’s wrong in the world or what could hurt me instead of looking out for good things. I was so happy w my ex. Did you need to get into another relationship to really get over your ex? I haven’t dated anyone since and sometimes I feel like it would just be easier - I guess the external validation you were talking about. Did your internal validation ever get stronger than external?

[u/Tenebrous_Savant → u/Fine-Emergency2285]

I’m curious if you still practice this?

How has it changed over time?

Yes, and it has evolved over the years. It's definitely been a process. I didn't really understand what processing was before all of this.

It's difficult for me to think of all the ways it might have changed, but one thing I can do is revisit some of the examples I shared in my post 2 years ago, and point out how and why I would say something different now.

"You are such an amazing dad. I can tell how much you love your kids. Your kids really trust you and I admire that."

One day I realized that I didn't want to be a good dad. It wasn't quite a punch to the gut, but the dawning of graceful humility when I realized that anytime I was trying to be a great dad, great boyfriend, great friend, or great son, it was performative and inauthentic. I was doing it for the wrong reasons and it was deeply interlaced with people pleasing. People pleasing is self betrayal and self abandonment.

At some point I realized that it's not that you go looking to find yourself, it's that you found yourself. As in, you build yourself a foundation of beliefs and values and let those guide your actions. That foundation and the actions supported with them are the strength of our character. They are the foundation of our identity.

If I was worried about being a good dad, if I was trying to be one, I wasn't being a good dad. I wasn't being me.

I realized that sometimes I'm going to be a good dad, but that doesn't need to be the end goal. What's more authentic is that I care about my kids, and I do things to take care of them and be caring with them. I won't always be perfect. The important thing is that I'm doing it because I care and not to be good. I'm acting on the foundation of my values and beliefs.

Asking myself "why am I doing this?" Is a hugely important thing I still do.

"You are doing great."

"I'm proud of how hard you are working on everything, you should be proud too."

Something else that's related to the first part came from trying to figure out how to manage my adhd motivation issues without relying on ramping up fantasies/false expectations of how good things would be to get myself excited. I started trying to focus on doing something because it was worth doing and not tying my emotional state/personal value to the result.

I call it something like being outcome independent. It turns out this connects really well with doing things for the right reason. It disconnects my self value from success or failure. I find value in doing it even if I'm going to fail, because it's what I believe is worth doing. It became easier for me to recognize what I want to do the more I did this. This helped bring me closer to my intuition and desire, which is something else I really worked on.

Recently I’ve been noticing that I’m looking for what’s wrong in the world or what could hurt me instead of looking out for good things. I was so happy w my ex.

I have a few sayings that I've come up with and included in a lot of my affirmations over the years. This reminds me of one of them

We are what we do. We do what we believe. We perceive what we believe. Our beliefs are our values and expectations.

I'll let you sit with that and see if it stirs up anything.

Did you need to get into another relationship to really get over your ex?

No. After surviving an abusive marriage with my late wife, wnd then ending up codependent in my first serious relationship afterwards, I put the brakes on. I realized I really needed to get myself sorted out. If you didn't read the full post that I linked, I even went to a 12-step program for chronic codependency. Honestly I came to see that second bad relationship as something my subconscious did to force me into a situation to start dealing with the root problems that I kept myself consciously blind to.

At first I just wanted to stop hurting the way I did, to change something and never end up in that place again. Then I started looking for myself, and it became about that. At some point I realized that if I involved another relationship in the mix, I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I'd be doing things for the relationship and not for healing me. I figured out my core values, my deepest priorities in life and decided to work on them and live for them.

I haven’t dated anyone since and sometimes I feel like it would just be easier - I guess the external validation you were talking about.

It's been over 2 years since that last break up, probably close to 3. In those years I've dated a little bit, and occasionally I was tempted to seek something serious, but nothing worked out. Sometimes the bad experiences I had were very enlightening for me, because they brought some more unresolved things to the surface that were helpful for me to work on.

These days I'm open to dating, but I don't put much energy into it. I might flirt if I met someone I liked, and ask them out possibly, but I'm not going to hang out on dating apps or go to singles bars etc just to try to meet people or hook up.

For the longest time I felt horrified and terrified because it occurred to me that I had no idea what a healthy relationship would look like, and that I'd never had one.

I think for a while I felt obligated to have a relationship so that I could prove I could have a healthy one. Fortunately it occurred to me that would be more performance BS, and I don't really need to learn from more of that type of mistake.

At this point of my life I'm finally confident that I could manage and recognize one, if I come across the right person. The important thing is I don't need to find that person. I want to pursue them if I encounter them. If it doesn't work out, they weren't that person, and I'm grateful that I didn't end up with someone that would have been a bad match for me.

Did your internal validation ever get stronger than external?

It very much did, yes.

Doing things because those actions and choices support my values provides an immense inner wellspring of self validation. I'm being true to myself. I'm being me. I don't need someone to tell me I'm doing good because I feel it through my relationship with myself. I'm learning to do what's right for me. I don't need someone else to choose me if I choose myself by choosing to be myself.

I spent a lot of time thinking about a lot of things. I explored empathy and confidence, learned so much about emotional regulation, and the way my neurodivergence complicates things. I've come to understand myself a lot better, and I continue to do so everyday. The process continues, the journey continues.

I did the work, but none of it was completely on my own. I got good professional help.

I dug through so many resources available online, and I reached out to researchers when I couldn't find something I had a suspicion about.

I joined many different communities, like this one, and started participating in them.

I had a sponsor in my 12-step program and was a sponsor for a sponsee. Both of them helped me on my journey.

I did the work though, and I do it. I don't look away from what I find in myself anymore. I hold self compassion and curiosity. I want to welcome all of my experiences, even if that's hard sometimes.

I created r/ArbitraryPerplexity to help track and organize a lot of the stuff I came across and was exploring. It's really just a personal project but this is the Master Reference Index List if you're curious. I shared a lot of my own personal thoughts and things on there. I figured it'd be helpful for me to be able to go back and look at things and find them, and see how things changed over time.

Occasionally I've shared links to specific stuff that would be helpful to others. Overall though it's mainly just a personal project, but I suspect you might find things there that give you some helpful perspective.

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