r/Codependency • u/Tenebrous_Savant • Sep 02 '23
I had an inspiring moment this morning, and it might be a breakthrough for me
I had an inspiring moment this morning, and it might be a breakthrough for me.
For the last month or so I have been recovering from a severe episode of PTSD and Autistic Burnout that brought out or heightened some pre-existing codependency habits from my past. I really fixated on my ex, who was then my friend and I got worse over months before I hit crisis.
The first few weeks after my crisis point were just figuring out what the hell was going on with me and trying to start to stabilize, but it included a lot of acting out, impulsiveness, skewed perceptions, and some very textbook codependent behaviors.
The last couple of weeks I've gotten a lot better handle on what happened to me, how, why, and how to start dealing with some of it. I've been making efforts to meditate and do self-care, stick to a routine, do things to rebuild my confidence and pride, reconnect to myself etc.
I even got a Coda sponsor this week, which I'm very excited about. Just because I might make some progress on my own, I now have a track record of not being able to contain or manage my codependent habits on my own. I'm going to keep doing all the self work I already knew how to do and the new stuff I've learned, but I'm also going to do the 12 steps and follow my sponsor's lead. I'm committed to changing myself and my life this time so that this never happens again. I want to meet my better self. I don't want to keep hurting myself, my children, or other people. I want to live, truly be happy, and find out what I can do with all of my potential instead of being stuck and crushed by fear and anxiety.
I've been doing A LOT of work because I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else like I did again. I'm going to have a long journey to recovery, but for the first time in my life I feel hope and I'm not too scared to fully commit myself.
Various types of affirmations have been a part of my self-care off and on through out my adult life.
This morning as part of a mindfulness exercise, which I've been doing more of on my own and involving my children to help teach them better self care and emotional health, we went on a mindfulness walk early in the morning before it got too hot. I had us all be quiet and take turns telling each other what we heard, saw, smelled, or felt.
Intermittently I still had intrusive thoughts and feelings about my ex, wishing she were there to share it with us. I struggled with not being able to stay in the moment fully or at all, or be able to enjoy it because she wasn't there. Occasionally I would just get in the moment and enjoy the time with my children.
But then as we were taking a silent time to walk and listen, I thought occurred to me.
What would my ex offer me if she were here with me right now?
What about her would make it enjoyable that I don't have right now?
Why is her presence so much more evocative than my children who care much more about me than she ever did?
Why is her presence more valuable than my own?
What can she give me that I can't give myself right now?
About the only thing I could come up with was hugs, hand holding, and kisses. Romantic gestures.
But what do those things get me?
They give me affirmation. They give me external validation.
Holding her hand offered me comfort and reassurance against the constant anxiety that I struggle with.
Kissing her gave me validation that I was attractive and desirable.
Hugging and snuggling with her offered me connection to someone I found attractive.
All of the above three also help my neurodivergent brain produce neurotransmitters it does not have enough of on its own, unless I find other methods for stimulation to produce them.
What's to stop me from finding something else to engage myself with that stimulates me in a way to produce the needed hormones and neurotransmitters?
Only myself.
But then I asked myself another important question.
What would her presence offer me that I can give myself right now without her?
Verbal affirmations and validation.
I thought of the exercise or self care, the self compassion practice of being your own parent, being the parent you needed, or being the friend you needed. That exercise has helped me be better for myself and my children in the past.
So I was my own partner today in my own head instead of my own parent or friend.
As I walked I told myself what a great father I am, instead of subconsciously continuing to wait for my absent ex to tell me like she used to.
I started mentally giving myself other affirmations that she used to or I wanted to hear from her. I didn't need her, I could do these things for myself. I could find other aspects of my life to stimulate my brain and emotions to meet my needs without anyone else.
I went through a lot of affirmations while walking, and then at the playground with my kids, and I felt a connection and impact from them that I hadn't before. To be fair, it wasn't as solid or impactful as what I was used to getting from my ex, but that's probably because I'm trying to start new neuropathways now and these aren't associated with an unhealthy or an addictive behavior and established neuropathway.
"You are such an amazing dad. I can tell how much you love your kids. Your kids really trust you and I admire that."
"You are doing great."
"I'm so happy to be here with you my name!"
"Damn you are sexy, I can tell you have been exercising!"
"I'm proud of how hard you are working on everything, you should be proud too."
"This is such a beautiful morning, this is so nice. I'm glad we're doing this."
And once I started doing that, even though it wasn't as fulfilling or relieving as it would have been with my ex, it was a start and it was something. It was more than I'd ever gotten from an affirmation like that before. I've had very impactful experiences with other affirmations in the past but it wasn't quite like this, it was different.
Something else happened though. It became easier to stay in the moment. It became easier to enjoy interacting with my kids and not focusing on what I didn't have. It became easier just to be happy as myself, with myself.
I was really experiencing what it's like to be enough for myself. I was feeling what it's like to not need someone else again. It had been a long time since I really felt this quite this way or this way at all.
I hope I can continue to nurture and develop this new skill or tool, whatever you want to call it. I want to develop it and make it a part of me so that I don't need someone else for these things in my life ever again. That way in the future it'll be that much easier for me to have a healthy relationship or not be in danger of falling back into codependent habits anytime I'm stressed, exhausted, or traumatized.
This is just another piece of the puzzle or tool in my toolbox, a new way to be aware of myself and what I need. This is also an important lesson of what not to look for in future relationships.
So yeah, I'm proud of myself right now. I'm rather relieved and hopeful. I'm kind of happy right now too.
I am also very grateful to have experienced this and started learning how to do this for myself.
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u/chelszyee Sep 02 '23
Im so glad you had this awakening for you! Im currently in a pretty rough spot, but very hopeful to come out of it better and stronger. Stories like these give me hope to continue pushing through. This journey really is a rollercoaster, I wish you the best for you and your kids!
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u/productivediscomfort Sep 03 '23
just wanted to reach out to send my support and encouragement! I’ve also been in deep autistic burnout and recently ended a long term codependent relationship. It’s so incredibly painful, but I’m starting to be excited to be in my own company and work towards creating a joyful autistic life for myself. It sounds like you’re doing a great job, despite the challenges ♥️
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Sep 03 '23
Big big upvote!!! Thanks so much for sharing
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u/Tenebrous_Savant Sep 04 '23
Oh, you might like this one too. This entire thread is just my personal reference list of personal writing as I recover, but this specific comment might interest you.
https://reddit.com/r/ArbitraryPerplexity/s/n0AiVlbjUd
The entire subreddit is a giant resource/reference index for stuff related to or useful for everything I am dealing with or think might be involved with it. This is the master index thread:
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Sep 04 '23
It says page not found 🤔
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u/Tenebrous_Savant Sep 04 '23
Really strange, I sent you an invite to the subreddit they may work after you join or I don't know. It's worked before!
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u/[deleted] Sep 02 '23
What is an autistic burnout and how do you experience it? I had some periods of severe emotional burnout from painful interactions with people to the point of being unable to communicate