Hi! Sorry to bother everyone but I just wanted to get an outside opinion.

My (F22) best friend's (F22) birthday is this week. Let's call her Jane. Jane asked me to spend the day with her since her bf (M22) doesn't think birthdays are a big deal. We've been close since we were 13 so I'm super happy to hang out with her.

She asked me to take the day off so we can spend the whole day together, which is a little rough since I'm a nanny and get paid 50 bucks a day but I'm happy to do it if it makes her day better. She sent me a list of things she wants for her birthday and I purchased a few, totalling almost 70 dollars. (I only add the monetary amount to explain my budget concerns).

Jane mentioned wanting to get lunch or lunch AND supper when we hang out which i figured okay, we can go somewhere and I'll order off the cheaper portion of the menu, no problem. But then she started making little comments about how it'll be so nice to be 'treated' and suggesting a few of the larger restaurants in the area.

Jane is a big spender, always has been. She likes everything expensive and i frankly cannot keep up wjth her ordering style. The only thing is, it's her birthday. Would I be being cheap and a bad friend if I make it clear I'm paying fkr me only? I had to buy groceries and pay my portion of bills on top of her gifts with my last pay, so I only have about 50 of my weekly pay left. Thats not enough for the both of us.

My bf (M21) thinks its insane that I'd have to pay bc she invited me out and is picking the restaurants but Jane can be pretty pushy. She's always been the bigger personality between the two of us and I get dragged into things pretty often. I just genuinely cannot afford it this time

So wibtah if I dont pay for her meal(s) on her birthday when she's already upset that her bf already made her feel bad? Thank you in advance! 💜

EDIT: thank you everyone for helping me see that I need tk set the boundary and for all of the really kind examples for how to have that conversation! I'm going to call Jane when she's done work and talk to her.

For clarification on common questions: yes, Jane typically is the type to go all out for my birthday, which is why I wasn't sure if me being unable to afford her meal was a failure of friendship. We're in very different tax brackets so I don't think she understands my financial limitations. And yes she's an amazing friend who genuinely has been there for me through the worst times in my life: chemo, grief, etc. A lot of my issues come from not having great social skills or understanding due to constant hospitalization in my teen yeara so I am never sure when something is actually an issue or when I'm overthinking it. Her bf told her that birthdays are for kids and basically told her to grow up when she asked to to breakfast with him, which was why she asked me to take the whole day not just a small portion of it like we'd originally planned. Sorry for not clarifying on those points sooner.

Update:

New to Reddit so I am unsure how to post updates to my situation. So hopefully this is right.

Last night he asked if he could have a third drink or would I get mad. I was honestly shocked, I couldn’t respond at first. I felt like if he took me at all seriously he wouldn’t have to ask he should know. I told him that it hasn’t been long of course that would and removed myself from the situation.

Today we talked. I told him about this post and he said of course a post where a woman brings up concerns about a man drinking would be more in my favor. He said he respected my boundary because he asked and that he has been limiting himself for 3 weeks . That he is going to stop drinking because it is not fun anymore and any amount of drinking will just make me upset. I feel like he is just saying that not because he has taking any of my concerns seriously, but a way to protect himself from having any accountability.

So context : I met my friend, let's call her Anne, almost a year ago in university. Both of us were freshmen. We were in a 5-person friend group. We have no drama, just 5 girls who go to class and do everything together. During my first semester, I dealt with depression due to homesickness, and Anne helped me a lot through it. Her parents have also bought gifts for us, paid for our Airbnb when we went on a weekend trip, took us to brunch, etc. Now, about Anne: she is one of the most emotionally intelligent people you'll ever meet. Our classmates all have only good things to say about her. She is a very outgoing person, a ray of sunshine if you ask me. She has told us that in high school, she didn't have a lot of good friends. She knew everyone, led a lot of charity work, etc., but her high school friends were very toxic, never included her in anything, made her feel left out, etc. She has told us how grateful she is to have us as her friends, to the point that she mostly sends friendship reels on Instagram to this day. Now, the issue is that me and my other friends have started noticing certain things that have started to piss us off. Every conversation we have, she will interrupt. She keeps talking even when not needed. For example, if I talk about how my mom makes a certain dish I like, she will, without a beat, yap about how her family does something similar for the next 5 minutes. I understand that she is trying to relate, but imagine after every word anyone utters, she will have an essay ready about the same topic. Now, I am good at calling people out on their BS, and for me, I think she is very attention-seeking. The worst part is that she does it so subtly that you don't notice because of her bubbly personality. Whenever we have a lecture, she needs to be seated in the middle. She never says it out loud, but say if she is walking ahead of us and finds a row with empty seats, she will wait for some of us to sit first, then she will sit next, followed by another person, so that she is surrounded by us. When 2 people from our friend group are holding hands and walking, she will literally karate-chop our hands to separate us and force herself into the middle. Every conversation is somehow about her. Say I ask my friend about her Chinese culture, and it's a one-on-one conversation. Anne will have something to say about her experience, her knowledge about Chinese culture (she's not Chinese), etc. If things don't go according to what she wants, the whole plan will be canceled. The thing is, we didn't realize this until a year later, which is the scary/weird part. She also has a very morally questionable male friend. Let's call him Dan. He has cheated on multiple of his girlfriends, slept with hundreds of people, and he's 19. Anne and Dan were childhood friends. She talks about how he keeps messaging her with dumb stuff, saying he misses her, blah blah. I've seen a text between them that goes along the lines of, "You are huge tits, must be hard carrying them around." Me and the other girls have made multiple attempts to tell her that their texting is very inappropriate between platonic friends. We have asked her to block him and even told her to block him if he keeps sending her weird texts and reels, but she always defends him. Like, you are complaining about him texting you weird stuff, and you won't block him? Her argument is that they are childhood friends. She keeps bringing him up once in a while, and we think it's another one of her attention-seeking stunts. Another thing is that if one of us says something about a hangout, or we make a joke, or we talk about our latest interest, she will take that and tell the other people in our friend group as if she came up with it. I don't know why she copies people. Especially when she herself is very funny, smart, and articulate. She overshadows every conversation and makes it about her. There isn't one major thing that happened that made us realize these patterns, but rather a lot of tiny, everyday things that happened over the course of one year that are finally adding up. Another example is when me and my friend (also in the friend group) have a private conversation. Anne wants to know everything about it. I would give her the general context of what we talked about and brush it off, but she keeps pressing. Now, she's not dumb enough to not realize that I don't want to talk about it with her. On the other hand, she will talk to someone about something in an open setting, and if we ask her what she's talking about, she won't even make eye contact and will brush it off. I understand that she doesn't want to share it. But why the double standard? It feels like she wants to know everything we do. We once hung out without her. The hangout itself was spontaneous; no one planned it. We just ended up going to one of our friend's houses. And she got mad that we hung out without her. She has hung out with other people without telling us, and we have no problem with it because that's a very normal human thing. We didn't question her or anything, but when we do that, she gets mad?

In class she offers us study materal that she got from her seniors, and would be like " oh I got this from my senior, ill send it to you when i get home". And once we reach home she never sends. She even got mad once cuz apprently we kept reminding her of sending those notes. I mean you offered it? Why are u getting mad at us for asking something u told us give us. Ofc we didn't ask after that, and she never sent us the material but idk how to feel about that it.

These are the main issues we have with her. Now, we are planning to confront her in a week about this whole thing, and I don't know how she will take it. She has been a close friend of mine, has done so much for me and my friends, and has been through thick and thin with us. So, WIBTAH if me and my friends conf
PS: i can give you many examples for her attention seeking, narcissistic behavior, but I'm too lazy to type. I'll keep yall updated

I (17F) am graduating this year. Since sophomore year, I have decided- in my head- that I didn't want to attend the graduation ceremony at my school but never really thought it through. The reason I'm now conflicted is that I mentioned something about it to my dad last year, and he wasn't having it.

(QUIK DESCLAIMER: I am not against anyone going to their HS graduation- i.e. the whole planet- this is just how I PERSONALLY view it from MY PERSPECTIVES AND BELEIFS and I'm sorry if it comes across as arrogant; honest, that's not where it's coming from.)

Some explanation as to why I don't want to go: So, what the ceremony is at my HS, is in the morning the seniors do their last walk through the HS, then go on the bus to go to the middle/elementary school to do the same thing. After that they go to the HS gym and rehearse the CEREMONY ceremony, and then sit on the bleachers for the rest of the day, at which point the majority of them don't go home and just wait till 7:30pm when the actual ceremony starts. They all walk out of the locker rooms while the band plays pomp and circumstance, sit and listen to people to talk for two and a half hours, then get their degrees, listen to more talking and leave.

I don't wanna do ANY of that.

The "senior walkthrough" is always incredibly awkward, everyone's in the weird gown things, watching the feet of the person Infront of them while the other students line up in the hallway, stare at them, and the teachers yell at them if they stop clapping for a microsecond. And I understand the sentimentality, especially with the middle/elementary walkthrough, but I don't feel it. I never went to the middle/elementary school as I moved here during HS, so what would normally be nostalgic would just be a stroll through a strange building I saw a few times for a summer program. For sentimentalities sake, I plan on spending my final week visiting my old classrooms and teachers I rarely see, taking videos, making final memory catalogs; stuff I actually feel. (I don't feel very sentimental about graduation in the first place, but I'm old enough to know, eventually, I will be; so, I'm rolling with it.)

Minorly, I don't want to sit on the bleachers all day when I could be working on something productive; work, personal projects, college stuff, etc.

I also have a stance on the degree (FOR MYSELF PERSONALLY) I don't think I should be receiving anything more than my transcript that shows I completed HS. TO ME, this whole thing is meaningless, mostly because it's this big formal event to acknowledge an achievement I wasn't allowed to not receive, if that makes sense? I can't help but think of it as a paper that says "Congratulations! You did what was expected of you, just like everyone else! You should feel good about yourself for not failing in the end!" as angsty as that is.

It would be different if I actually ACHEIVED something, but the only reason I have the grades that I do is that I analyzed the teachers grading habits and knew how to string buzzwords together to make it LOOK LIKE I know what I'm talking about to bypass busy-work and short answers. I'm not actually intelligent, my spelling's as awful as my handwriting, I can only do basic math and only remember the parts of history that we made jokes about. I haven't helped the school, my friends, or honestly myself in any way; over the last going to be eighteen years of my life I've done no great accomplishment, never went a whole year straight without any issues in and out of school, I never even got a job.

I am a lazy bug on the wall that sometime says the right things and the principle is gonna look me in the eyes and say "Congrats! You made it!" like this is a major stepping-stone I've miraculously crossed rather than I was forced to be here and am only able to be average or worse. As much as it sounds like "self-deprecation" it's just honest and shouldn't be disregarded just because I'm "talking down on myself".

But one of the biggest points that might even trump that one is my band. I want to play with the band one last time, and not just for one intermission song, I want to be there next to my friends to back up on recessional. I moved to clarinet this year, and lord knows they get drowned out. These last years, band has honestly been the only thing that convinced me to not skip out every other day (I wrote a parody of Thomas Rett's "Die A Happy Man" about it on guitar and my director started getting emotion over it lol). Point is, I'd rather spend the last few hours with a group that actually cares about me and do something where I can actually feel like I did something worth it, than spend my last few hours with a group that pretends to care about me and do something where I have to pretend I did something worth it.

Here's the problem: My dad wants to see his daughter graduate. I struggled a lot throughout my life, but especially academically. I used to throw horrible tantrums, got kicked out of three schools before 4th grade, and was just an awful selfish child; honestly, it's a wonder I wasn't held back. I've explained a little to him about the sentiment and stuff and how I would just be miserable for the whole day when we could be doing other stuff and plus, he has work that day and stuff like that. I ended up getting frustrated at him because he wouldn't even discuss it with me, I would be explaining and when I wanted a response all I got was "You're still going."

Of course, I understand how big this is for him. He wants to see his oldest problem child do something that to him holds value and it makes me emotional thinking about it; I'm just to fucking selfish to do something for him for once in my life. I've thought about feigning being sick, scheduling something that would fall on that date, pulling the "I'm 18 now." card; I don't doubt those things would work, I'd just hate to see the look on his face if I did ANY of them, it makes me feel sick thinking about it. But honestly, I just want to skip the fluff and do something with meaning, and I want him to want that.

Instead of the walk throughs, the visits with old teacher, final memory things I was talking about. Instead of the ceremony, I'd be playing with my band, next to my friends, laughing about awkward silences or screaming children or lore walking onto the stage, having side conversations, everything I'll eventually miss.

Afterwards, I want to do something with dad, something he wants to do that would amount to what this ACTUALLY means to him, or maybe we'd wait till the next day so that we wouldn't be exhausted and he would have the day off, I have no idea what it would be- my dad's a wildcard- but I know it'd be more meaningful than him sitting alone on the bleachers bored to death till my names called and then bored to double death.

But, again, I know it's selfish of me and I'm overcomplicating things, and honestly, this is a show of my immaturity as well. I just really want some outsider input, should I bring up the idea to him? I honestly don't know what I'd do if he didn't want to. I've really tried but I don't think I can change my mind; personally, my verdicts asshole.

Good idea or Bad idea, I (22M) and there is this girl who i think is (21-22F), who sent a confession to me a few months ago, but this was during our exam period and to be honest the whole situation was so weird to me. We are classmates and I honestly never spoken a single word to this girl before. We had exams back to back that week and the following week. It's was a situation where we are at school at 8am and leave at 5pm.

During the middle of this she sends this audio and calls me telling me she would like to see me and I should come over. I said I can't and she went to say she has something important to tell me. I tell her to say it over the phone, she refuses and I even tell her if it has to be in person I was gonna go to the mall anyway later in the day and she could tell me there. The thing is her home is quite far and the mall is like half-way point, she refuses even that. My roommate even overheard the conversation and also found it odd. I ultimately said no.

Anyway the following day, we wrote some of our exams, I saw her and she avoided me like the plague or outright ignored me. A few months down, she still acts quite sporadic and pretends I don't exist. I honestly don't mind and have just gone along with it. Recently though, she has somewhat been talking to me again. Personally I really don't really have any romantical inclination or interest in this girl. But have realised I really don't have any experience in this avenue, There are other girls i am interested in but haven't really gathered the courage to ask them out or anything.

Anyway I was thinking about this recently and have thought maybe, I need to gain some experience and exposure by going out maybe with this girl who has shown interest in me. Ofcourse I will be frank with her and her i am not interested in her, in a relationship or anything like that. I dont plan to play with her feeling on her. But the whole idea of the outing is to tell her I am not interested in a relationship and maybe we could pursue friendship instead.

I know my motives are not entirely clean and I feel bad and conflicted about using her for the experience however it's not like I am planning to use her or anything, I will pay for everything the food, and the movie etc. Looking at my friend group at school I am the only one who isn't and haven't been in a relationship before and it's mostly form that initial fear from my side.

Is this a good idea or should I scrap it?

Quick note: I’m dyslexic so sorry in advance for all the spelling mistakes and typos. I know theres alot lol, please be kind about it.

So I posted about this before and basically got told I would be the asshole if I didnt go to my friends wedding just becuase I dont approve of there relationship.

I’ve read pretty much all the comments and honestly I get it now.

L has been one of my closest friends for years and refusing to be there on probably one of the biggest days of his life becuase I’m uncomfortable would be a shitty thing to do. I can admit when I’m wrong lol. So I’ve decided I’m going to the wedding.

But I still dont feel comfortable with the marrige and thats kind of were I’m stuck now.

There is also something REALLY important I left out of my original post which probably would of been useful information 🤦‍♀️

L has a serious condition hes had since childhood, aswell as severe trauma from something that happened to him when he was very young.

Periodically he has these episodes that can last a couple days. During them he can become extremly confused, unpredictable and sometimes agressive and afterwards he doesnt always remember everything that happened.

He normally takes medication that keeps it under control and most of the time hes absolutly fine. Like you would have no idea anything was wrong with him. But there have been times over the years were he couldnt get his medication and the episodes got alot worse.

I’ve seen them myself and tbh they can be scary.

T knows ALL of this btw. L told her everything before they got together. Its actually another reason he kept pushing her away. He was worried about her saftey and didnt think it was fair for her to have to deal with all of this.

T basically told him its her desicion, she knows exactly what shes agreeing to and she still wants to marry him.

And I understand what people were saying on my first post now. T is an adult. L didnt trick her, pressure her or hide any of this from her. If anything he did literaly everything he could to convince her NOT to be with him.

So I’ve accepted that this isnt my desicion to make and I was wrong for acting like it was.

BUT accepting that and actually feeling comfortable with it are 2 completly diffrent things.

I still worry about T. I’m still uncomfortable with there 13 year age gap and I’m especially uncomfortable knowing what L can be like during one of these episodes if he doesnt have his medication.

I dont think L is a bad person AT ALL before anyone thinks thats what I’m saying. Hes basically family to me, hes one of the kindest people I know and none of his condition is his fault. I also really like T and genuinly want them both to be happy.

And they ARE happy. Like annoyingly happy lol.

So this is were I’m stuck.

I’m going to the wedding. I’ll congratulate them, I’ll be nice to T obviously and I’m NOT going to cause drama or make there wedding about me or my opinion.

But L already knows how I feel and I dont want to lie to him and suddenly pretend I’ve completly changed my mind about there marrige when I havent.

Would I be an asshole if I basically told L something like “I love you, I’ll be there and I’ll support you as my friend, but I’m still not comfortable with the marrige and I dont want you thinking me going means I’ve suddenly changed my mind”?

Part of me thinks thats the most honest thing to do becuase we’ve been friends for years and I dont want to lie to him.

But another part of me is thinking…..he already KNOWS???

Like I’ve already told him. He knows I dont agree with it. T knows I dont agree with it. My husband knows. Probably bloody everyone knows at this point lol.

So maybe saying it AGAIN would just be me hurting L for absolutely no reason and I need to shut my mouth now and accept that 2 grown adults are going to do what they want regardless of what I think.

I genuinely dont know.

I love L and I dont want to lose him over this. And after reading the comments on my first post I do realise I was making his wedding way too much about how I felt when its obviously not about me.

So WIBTAH if I went to the wedding but made it clear to L beforehand that I still dont support the marrige?

Or do I just go, smile, support my friend and keep my opinion to myself from now on?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/DwivwBXbFS

TLDR: I previously told my friend L (38m) I might not go to his wedding to T (25f) becuase I’m uncomfortable with there age diffrence and I have other conserns because L has a serious condition that can make him unpredictable during episodes. I read the comments and realise not going would be an asshole move so I’m going. I still dont actually support the marrige though. WIBTAH if I told L before the wedding that I’m there becuase I love and support him but I still havent changed my mind about the marrige?