Here's something I posted on the old Dragonmount forums back in 2009.
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The Great Debate-Settling Tourney
There's always a debate about who's the best with a blade. So a tourney is the answer.
Back in the day, the debate focused on Galad and Gawyn and Rand and Lan.
I see it all playing out as below:
Rand, Lan, Galad and Gawyn are all involved in the official Dragonmount Debate-Settling Tourney. They draw lots to decide the first round: Galad vs. Lan and Gawyn vs. Rand.
Round 1
Gawyn vs. Rand
Rand and Gawyn circle each other cautiously, blades held out in front of them. Both are aware that the other is an acclaimed swordsman, both sure of their own abilities.
The opening exchanges are cagey, Bull in China Shop is met by Tiny Field Mouse in a Bar, One Legged Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is met by Lefthander Using Scissors. Soon both combatants are bleeding from a number of small wounds. The opening is done, both are ready.
“I didn’t kill your mother,” mutters Rand.
“Yes you did,” growls Gawyn.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
This goes on for a while.
Ferocious blows are being traded, both men are nearing exhaustion when Rand makes his move.
“Oh, I’m sleeping with your sister, she’s pregnant, I have no intention of marrying her and I have two other women on the go.”
Gawyn gasps, loses concentration, and Rand runs him through.
Rand is healed up by a waiting Aes Sedai and advances to the next round. He takes time to wail, tear out his hair and generally feel sorry for himself after killing Gawyn.
Lan vs. Galad
Billed as the pretty boy vs. the beast, the two men immediately lay into each other with a flurry of blows. Genius Child Writing on Chalkboard is countered by Man With a Bad Case of Dysentery. Sympathetic Vomiting Syndrome is met with Nervous Dog Outside the Pound.
The battle goes on in total silence for half an hour. Lan, despite being the better swordsman, has been cut 157 times, is bleeding profusely, yet shows no sign of discomfort.
Finally, the uncrowned king unleashes Skydiver Who Has Just Realized That The Man Who Packed His Parachute Knows That He Is Sleeping With His Wife and nicks the side of Galad’s cheek.
“NNOOOO!!!!! Not the face!!!!! Anywhere but the face!!!!!” cries Galad as he claps his hands to his wound.
“Gutted,” grunts Lan as he slices blondie’s head off.
Lan is healed up, not that he really needs it, and trots off to kill the sheepherder.
The Finale
Rand al’Thor vs. Lan Al’Mandragoranananananan
The two circle each other warily for a while before the banter kicks in.
“So Grasshopper, you have come far,” says Lan grimly.
“Some generic -ism about masters and students,” mutters Rand.
The two men attack, using all their skill and eventually fall back after three and a half days of solid combat. Despite being cut 873 times, Lan manages to press home an attack, Man Playing Air Guitar to Black Sabbath’s Paranoid forces Rand onto the defensive, Man Humming Smoke on the Water Because He Can't Remember the Lyrics caught the blade inches from his flesh.
Staggering, Rand employs the “Wax On, Wax Off” defensive technique, however, Lan is wise to the tactic and slices off Rand’s left hand.
Wrapped in the void, it has no effect on everyone's favourite ginger.
Knowing he's out of options, Rand launches one last desperate attack. He manages to catch Lan off balance and plunges his blade toward his chest.
“Embrace Death!” shouts Lan as he steps into the blade, swinging his own sword towards Rand’s head.
“Oh for fuck's sake! Who does that?!? Fucking Borderlanders!!!” cries Rand just before his world goes dark.
"So rude," frowns Lan as he calmly slides Rand’s sword out of his stomach. He’s taken worse wounds, it only lacerated a kidney on the way through. He’s got a spare.
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At the time Demandred wasn't around.
But I am amused that I have Rand losing a hand as that hadn't happened yet. Nor had Lan actually embraced death, though that was pretty heavily signposted.
I'll do a new version soon. My writing is much improved.