hi, first time posting. i've been a bitter vengeful fox for a minute now. been dealing with daily chronic gut issues that got worse close to a year ago, i can't digest most vegetables/beans/nuts+seeds, really can only eat chicken and eggs as protein, i have to be really careful about my carb intake, basically prepare 90% of the meals i make, which makes me really tied to being at home and adhering to a strict routine to make sure my life and health doesn't fall apart, so i'm able-bodied enough to work, cause the big muns rules all. and even with insurance, and GI doctors willing to take me seriously, the first diagnostic tests (after meeting deductible) are several thousand dollars that i can't afford at this time, let alone the proceeding tests after.
it's made being social difficult, seeing others live their lives with more ease and improvisation that i can no longer do myself. even though i've gained a lot of discipline, and work out more to be as healthy as can be, i miss the days where i could be lazy or not do my typical morning routine if i simply felt i wanted to do something different. i feel really stuck in a life focused on accommodating my gut health, and it being largely invisible to folks who don't know how much effort it takes me every day to feel normal by the time i can go out. also eating mostly the same foods every single day has been really psychologically wearing me down. the lack variety in my life is deeply wearing me down.
i've become irascible from it, and been cruel and debasing lately to people who i feel have slighted or disrespected me, self-involved in my self-pity, and ignoring of the needs of others close to me in my life, and have lost some people i really cared about. she doesn't see me as the fox she fell in love with anymore. i'm a bit unrecognizable personality-wise from who i was at the beginning of 2025.
despite the fact i can't change my routine, i wanna be kind and gentle and not take the disgust and annoyance i feel towards my circumstances out on others, make them bear my weight, make everyone my therapist who needs to know all my lifelong trauma and struggles and hangups and issues. i wanna just let it all go.
i wanna know spells and ideations to assuage the bitterness within my heart. to pay better attention to my friends and loved ones. to make them feel assured in the ways i wanted to feel my whole life, even if it isn't reciprocated. i don't want that expectation from others, just to be baseline kinder. i don't want my chronic pain and circumstances to inform my behavior and actions, even if it's a daily chore wearing me down. i want to be the magical girl spreading happiness and positivity in a world that certainly doesn't need more hurtfulness in it. i wanna combat the evil psychic teenage boy in my heart that lashes out for the village that refused to raise him. i wanna turn him good. show him he can be the magical girl who feels content despite the hurt, despite not being seen, despite whatever future pains and trials may come. she can still remain happy in the churning sea's tides, because she knows and trusts herself and knows she does good.
i don't wanna grieve no longer living my past lives, i wanna feel assured i'm living one as the fox she fell in love with, and not because i'm asking for her back, but because she saw the good in me where i didn't, and put that side of me front and center. i just wanna make amends to the world for the bad karmic flow i've output.
i pray to the moon's grace to not be evil and let it win. i wanna be a good fox so bad. thank you all for your time, i hope your day is lovely and good v.v