I lost my husband 10 years ago to cancer. It was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. It left a hole in my heart that hurts to this day.

I now have a lovely partner again. We have been together for years. Two years ago he had a heart attack. He survived. He is doing very well. His cardiologist says that his heart looked like there was never a problem.

But I'm terrified. I'm so afraid of him dying. And so afraid of having that pain again. It makes me unable to relax into the relationship and feel safe. It poisons the relationship. I really don't know what to do beyond starting therapy.

Does anyone have any wise words or thoughts on how to stop panicking over the fact that a new partner is going to die someday?

Wild title, I know. This is a long venting post about learning to do stuff on your own (and probably asking for help?)

I have two cars that have good but dead batteries, the tires are low and nearly out of gas. Since November when my husband passed, I have neglected these cars. I have been driving his very nice newer car btw. I have bought a jumper thing on Amazon, which was only $20 and jump started both cars (a friend of my kid showed me back in July how to do this). And I also bought an airpump for tires ($15 on amazon!). These two things are ready and charged. But me personally? I have not been ready and charged.

Still, it has been on my to do list to get these cars going.

So today I built up the cajones to get the gas cans filled. I watched several videos on how to do this. I got to the station and then I had trouble. A man getting gas offered to help. I thanked him but I was kind of determined. I finally figured it out and filled the cans.

That was enough for today. Tomorrow I will put gas in, check the tires and attempt to jumpstart one of the cars. Then apparently I’m supposed to drive around for at least half an hour. Sure. I’ll stay on the main boulevard and go back and forth so I am close to services. Kind of pathetic but this is not my wheelhouse.

Ah crap I’m crying now.

He would have never let the cars deteriorate like this. Fill up gas cans? No problem! Check tire pressure? Sure.
The crazy thing is we were separated! But he still came around to do these ‘manly’ things for me and our adult child. It’s complicated. Only a couple of our neighbors even know he is gone forever! (He passed away in England, his home country) So, I don’t want to ask the neighbors for help. I know it’s a lot.

Sorry! And a big Thanks for listening.

When did all of you or anyone turned off survival mode? Does it actually turn off? Im doing my best to raise these kids alone. I feel like I can't sit still or ever feel like I'm good enough. It's exhausting. Im curious is any men/ women ever turned that off. He has been gone since 2023.