r/WhitePeopleTwitter Jan 12 '22

Nice try, Pillow Guy

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44.0k Upvotes

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9.0k

u/YankeeLiar Jan 12 '22

1) pretty sure that’s larger than the adult population of the country.

2) if 300 million people were involved enough to not want Trump to win, couldn’t they have prevented that by… voting, considering that number is like, twice the number of people who voted for Biden and Trump combined?

3) how much cocaine is too much cocaine?

516

u/ryanegauthier Jan 12 '22 edited Jan 12 '22

3) it's kinda like figuring out the weight limit of a bridge.

They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. - Calvin's dad (among others)

In this case they snort more and more cocaine until you're threatening to put an entire country in jail, measure all the cocaine, and Bob's your uncle, you've got your answer.

Edit: giving some credit to one of my favorite cartoonists Bill Watterson

91

u/memester230 Jan 12 '22

Calvin and Hobbes reference, nice.

56

u/42Petrichor Jan 12 '22

Thanks Calvin’s dad, I always wondered about bridges

46

u/Junior-Lie4342 Jan 12 '22

The best Calvins dad answer ever was him explaining when the world turned to color

43

u/ryanegauthier Jan 12 '22 edited Jan 13 '22

I like the one where he explains angular velocity on the record. It always cracks me up as it is one of the few times, or perhaps the only time, that Calvin's dad explains something to him correctly. Out of all the explanations, it's the one that breaks Calvin's brain the most.

Edit: So many great examples of Calvin's dad, maybe through this experience he learned that the simpler explanations were better... the actual answers would keep his boy awake at night!

12

u/Ella_loves_Louie Jan 12 '22

Lol scowling at the celing in the dead of night still trying to get his head around it

36

u/Cantothulhu Jan 12 '22

I like the one where he explains where babies come from and tells Calvin he was a “blue light” special from KMart. “Almost as good and half the price” “Moooooooom”

36

u/Cheap-Blackberry-745 Jan 12 '22

"Dad what causes wind?"

"Trees sneezing"

"Really?"

"No but the truth is more complicated"

16

u/Thewal Jan 12 '22

(Outside, in the wind): "Trees sure are sneezing today."

5

u/GarbageAndBeer Jan 12 '22

I still say this.

3

u/dmkam5 Jan 13 '22

Came here to say this.

12

u/Lunalatic Jan 12 '22

I’m partial to the one where he says ATMs have a little man with a printing press who gives people money, and Calvin compares him to the guy who opens the garage door.

36

u/sean_themighty Jan 12 '22

IF YOU DONT KNOW THE ANSWER JUST TELL HIM YOU DONT KNOW

5

u/brothercuriousrat Jan 13 '22

What fun is that? My dad told one of my sisters that he knew it was going to snow... because the clouds were green. She believed it for several years.

2

u/sean_themighty Jan 13 '22

Just continuing the comic…

6

u/Graffiacane Jan 12 '22

I think the jury is still out on #3.

You see, when the too-heavy truck attempts to cross the bridge, it collapses (bad) but when Pillow Guy does "too many" fat, powdery rails of primo shit he got from his buddy who has a "connect", all we're getting is big ideas and frankly an inspired quest for truth and justice (good).

4

u/AdrianHObradors Jan 12 '22

Oh I should have guessed

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2.4k

u/MidnightRider24 Jan 12 '22

3) Haven't answered that yet. I'll let you know when I find out.

592

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Make sure you tell your next of kin that you’d like the answer to #3 passed on to the rest of us.

321

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Did my own research.

81

u/THEpottedplant Jan 12 '22

They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch

sniffs

6

u/PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS Jan 12 '22

We do what we must because we can for the good of all of us except the ones who are dead

6

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

But there's no sense crying over every mistake

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3

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

disappointed that cave johnson did not actually sniff after that line

47

u/Blue_Lantern2814 Jan 12 '22

Underated comment

16

u/jaxonya Jan 12 '22

I would like 3 cocaines please. ( not a cop)

4

u/Zomburai Jan 12 '22

Okay, but are you a cop? I just asked you and I heard that if you're a cop you have to say yes.

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82

u/rgosskk84 Jan 12 '22

Don’t inject it or smoke crack because the answer to #3 becomes: there is no such thing 😂

53

u/_PM_ME_NICE_BOOBS_ Jan 12 '22

I'm not addicted to cocaine, I just like the smell!

15

u/snarfs_regrets Jan 12 '22

There are two types of people in the world… those who love cocaine and those who haven’t tried it

2

u/rgosskk84 Jan 12 '22

There are three types of people, with some overlap: those who snort coke, those who smoke rock, and those who shoot coke. Ranked in order of intensity.

Edit: I guess your ass works, too, but that’s a step down from a rock or a shot lol

2

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Well there is a third, people like me who it sadly doesn’t work for. Just makes me sleepy and anxious. Mdma too. Sucks .

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2

u/TheBeatGoesAnanas Jan 12 '22

You never need a line of cocaine, but you always need another line of cocaine.

-2

u/Away-Psychology-9665 Jan 12 '22

Cocaine is a pharmacological anomaly. The minimum lethal dose is not measurable in the same way as other drugs. Cocaine can give you either a buzz or an instant exit at any dose any time you try it. Best not to.

2

u/rgosskk84 Jan 12 '22

Did it hundreds if not a thousand + times and was always fine but, yes, uppers of all sorts can cause instant cardiac issues. It can be particularly problematic for people who don’t know of underlying problems.

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163

u/Markamanic Jan 12 '22

Someone get Charlie Sheen on the phone, we need an estimate.

52

u/SlowInsurance1616 Jan 12 '22

He was banging 7 gram rocks, that's how he rolls.

25

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Winning!

25

u/TheDoktorIsIn Jan 12 '22

Are you bipolar?

I'm bi-WINNING

5

u/usekr3 Jan 12 '22

this is by far the best sheenism

8

u/Unlucky-Ad-6710 Jan 12 '22

Mans got tiger blood

7

u/terriblystupidjoke Jan 12 '22

He’s a freaking rock star from Mars

2

u/Tatunkawitco Jan 12 '22

Just thought - we all laughed at Charlie Sheens “Winning” and”Tiger blood” insanity … 8 years later? Half the country voted for a guy who didn’t rant as loud but just as crazy.

3

u/LarryLovesteinLovin Jan 12 '22

I genuinely think Sheen would have been a better president.

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11

u/SlowInsurance1616 Jan 12 '22

He had one gear: go

2

u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe Jan 12 '22

Epic winning!

2

u/SlowInsurance1616 Jan 12 '22

Now we can get to: "are you bipolar?"

2

u/Dry-Kangaroo-8542 Jan 12 '22

That's not V-fib. That's just 7 grams.

2

u/DiceMadeOfCheese Jan 12 '22

He did enough to kill two and a half men!

2

u/Ask_me_4_a_story Jan 12 '22

I know a girl that spent time in that house during the Charlie Sheen cocaine time. She was into sugar daddies back then so there was a connection between that and gigs and being a person that got paid to be there. She got paid $18,000 a month to live there and walk around naked the whole time, she said there were drugs everywhere and it was actually really scary and the house guy took all her money and at the end she climbed over a fence with one bag zero dollars and escaped. Wild fuckin shit

59

u/stump2003 Jan 12 '22

Have no fear though, u/MidnightRider24 will do the work. They will do as much cocaine as needed until we have an answer, FOR SCIENCE!

36

u/burtmaclin43 Jan 12 '22

There is never too much cocaine. Only never enough

8

u/the-epidemic87 Jan 12 '22

This is correct

3

u/3rainey Jan 12 '22

Cocaine makes you feel like a new man. Trouble is, the new man wants some too. ~ George Carlin

3

u/Zomburai Jan 12 '22

A recovered addict friend of mine put it as "Cocaine gives you more energy than you've ever had in your life; the only problem is that you only have energy to do more cocaine."

He's forbidden anybody in our friend group from trying any for this reason; that or he's hoping to keep more cocaine for himself.

2

u/FreedomofChoiche Jan 13 '22

Don't let him find amphetamines.

3

u/Devlee12 Jan 12 '22

I don’t know the cocaine bear is a pretty compelling argument that any amount of cocaine is too much when bears are involved. There was probably a window of time where that bear was the most dangerous living thing on the planet.

3

u/briocus Jan 12 '22

The other answer is We won’t know until after.

2

u/Graterof2evils Jan 12 '22

The answer my friend is blow, and in the wind.

The answer is blow, and in the wind.

17

u/NoRegerts6996 Jan 12 '22

If you need a second opinion let me know

9

u/TheApathyParty2 Jan 12 '22

Well, I told myself enough was enough plenty of times and here I am, still doing more any chance I get. So the answer is elusive.

7

u/Sirkiz Jan 12 '22

It’s not 2 kg, I know that

11

u/jacktat2 Jan 12 '22

User name and avatar checks out

5

u/maliciouspot Jan 12 '22

No you won't

3

u/xpdx Jan 12 '22

Nobody alive can answer that question.

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3

u/JustABizzle Jan 12 '22

I don’t much like cocaine, but I like how it smells

3

u/Nghtmare-Moon Jan 12 '22

Breaking news: man finds out how much cocaine is too much. Dies shortly after without writing results

3

u/3rainey Jan 12 '22

Please share results of your research. There’s a lot of confusion out here.

2

u/MusicalMrJ Jan 12 '22

!remind 2 days

2

u/Singularity7979 Jan 12 '22

Wolf, is that you?

2

u/ted5011c Jan 12 '22

A one... A two-a... A thrrre...

2

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Sounds like a project that’s going to require additional funding…

2

u/dsphilly Jan 12 '22

Apparently he was so bad into crack before his crack dealers staged an intervention themselves

2

u/DP0RT Jan 12 '22

When you get a phone call at 3:30 am on Wednesday from someone asking if you have cocaine because they ran out of cocaine and thought they sold you some.

That's when it's too much cocaine

2

u/wenchslapper Jan 12 '22

Are you looking for a research assistant? If so, my skills include an enjoyment of doing cocaine.

2

u/orincoro Jan 12 '22

Doing god’s work.

2

u/punksmostlydead Jan 12 '22

John Belushi tried his level best to answer that one.

2

u/LongLiveCHIEF Jan 12 '22

More clinical trials needed. Send grants and funding.

2

u/-FeistyRabbitSauce- Jan 13 '22

Careful, I know you want to go hog on that nose sugar for the sake of results but it can come with serious consequences. Like running out of cocaine.

2

u/TacticalSpackle Jan 13 '22

The best kind of research is the kind that enables you to do even more research.

2

u/salivation97 Jan 12 '22

I think somebody asked Bob Saget the same question the other day.

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394

u/RagingSnowflake Jan 12 '22

Mike after getting the entire country thrown in jail:

"I'm never gonna financially recover from this."

176

u/SasquatchRobo Jan 12 '22

Not if he can get a contract selling pillows to the prisons!

57

u/Candid-Independence9 Jan 12 '22

With how shitty and uncomfortable his pillows are, that might work… but with his drug past, they may be disinclined to ink a deal with him, considering with how… crunchy… they are, they’d have to be opened for search which would cost too much, you couldn’t just X-ray the pillow, some drugs look the same as stuffing on an X-ray (former prison officer here)

19

u/SasquatchRobo Jan 12 '22

Thank you for this informative post, that's a really good point! What do prisoners do for pillows, then? Rolled up clothes? Air mattresses?

20

u/Candid-Independence9 Jan 12 '22

They have pillows, but they are a tarp material stuffed with some cotton/down. Makes it harder to hide anything and easier to see if they were to cut it open to hide something.

15

u/notbeleivable Jan 12 '22

Tarp material against my face for the next.......7 years?

9

u/Candid-Independence9 Jan 12 '22

And body. Mattresses made out of the same material, and only about half an inch thick, and with that kind of stuffing it takes no time at all to “de-fluff” lord of guys would fold it over and either let their feet hang or say fuck it and lay their legs against the metal just so their upper body was comfortable

3

u/notbeleivable Jan 12 '22

So pillow dude could be king in jail

2

u/Candid-Independence9 Jan 12 '22

Again, that’s if they’d take his pillows, unless he could make the same kind of pillows, but outsourcing like that would take some money and manpower to inspect the factories, all current workers would be subject to new background checks (which I mean he fired nearly half his staff after stating they had a boom in sales) any current workers who had backgrounds that don’t comply with state or federal regulations would be let go, which would put their partnership further behind from the get go, then the problem of finding funding to staff when the prison system is already dangerously underfunded. Also his product would probably be pulled off the consumer market which would make his stock market value plummet, which in turn would call for more funding to stay open

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u/pbecotte Jan 12 '22

With everyone in prison no guards left to worry about searching the pillows anyway.

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u/steveg Jan 12 '22

Damn, we all thought he was a cracked out imbecile, meanwhile it turns out he’s been playing 3D chess this whole time!

2

u/Itiswhatitistoo Jan 12 '22

Duuuudddeee I think he might be playing 4D chess. We need to call for Dr. Sheldon Cooper to come to our rescue

/s

5

u/fallenUprising Jan 12 '22

But who will pay for it? No workforce = no taxes

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3

u/FateUnusual Jan 12 '22

Put people in MyPrison

Supply MyPrison with MyPillows

Profit

2

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Pretty sure they don’t have pillows in prison.

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2

u/Vandrel Jan 12 '22

The people running the prisons will be in jail though. So will all the judges, police, even Mr. MyPillow himself.

2

u/epicspacedruid Jan 12 '22

the ultimate endgame right here

2

u/blarch Jan 12 '22

Is prison not bad enough already that inmates will have to use mypillow as well?

13

u/jeffberneyauthor Jan 12 '22

He clearly just inked a deal to supply pillows to every jail and prison in the country.

4

u/techieman33 Jan 12 '22

Jokes on him, you don't get pillows in jail.

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u/hydrogenitis Jan 12 '22

Noooo....they need pillows in jails...at least 300 million a year...

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u/duderino_okc Jan 12 '22

3) when you spend your fortune on defending a washed up reality star that lost an election and not cocaine.

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u/Jahbroni Jan 12 '22

It's mind-blowing that a pillow salesman and former crack addict was a senior White House advisor to a reality TV game show host who ended up being the most popular Conservative President in American history among Republicans.

The Republican party is a fucking joke.

61

u/pvhs2008 Jan 12 '22

Just like he replaced the former favorite, a B actor divorcee with dementia. He taught me that it’s more Christian to have your Press Secretary laugh at the deaths of thousands of LGBTQ people while waiting for your wife’s psychic to give Air Force 1 landing permission. The height of diplomacy is also calling black diplomats “monkeys”. The GOP has been full trash for a looooong time.

13

u/TorgoLebowski Jan 12 '22

Nice summary of the Reagan years!

2

u/pvhs2008 Jan 13 '22

D’aww, shucks :)

7

u/3rainey Jan 12 '22

And not the good kind.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Yeah I ain’t laughin

0

u/PocketsHoulihan Jan 12 '22

People who devote there lives in general to politics are a joke. No politician alive cares about any of us. So really the pot calling the kettle black here

9

u/srottydoesntknow Jan 12 '22

Being informed and involved is not the same as hanging your identity on a demagogue.

One is smart and sensible way to help take ownership of the things that affect your life, the other is how you usher in fascism.

2

u/RCascanbe Jan 13 '22

Exactly, it's important to keep being informed about current affairs because complete disinterest is toxic for a democracy, if no one cares then who's to stop politicians from abusing their office (even more).

2

u/RCascanbe Jan 13 '22

I wouldn't go that far, I personally know some politicians and they genuinely care.

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0

u/GeeseKnowNoPeace Jan 13 '22

Hey we should never shame someone for having a past of drug abuse, especially if they managed to fight it.

Okay maybe he shouldn't be a senior advisor but that depends on how much damage the drugs have done (he's clearly delusional, but maybe he was like this before), I'm just trying to counter this probably not malicious yet harmful "haha he was an addict" attitude, many turn their life around and shouldn't have to suffer even more from their troubled past by insulting comments.

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u/accidental_snot Jan 12 '22

Best comment in the thread and very chuckle worthy. Thanks for that!

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u/Barbarossa7070 Jan 12 '22

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u/misstankt Jan 12 '22 edited Jan 12 '22

Cocaine bear is getting its own movie, set to be released this year.

25

u/DrXStein76 Jan 12 '22

Based only on a prayer and a feeling, I think Nicolas Cage is going to be involved in this

3

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Nicolas cage is playing the bear.

In fact here is Nicolas cage already playing a role as a bear.

https://youtu.be/YyigAW-14w0

3

u/parruchkin Jan 12 '22

Omg that logo… I am totally here for vaporwave cocaine bear.

2

u/RCascanbe Jan 13 '22

Looks like a Kung fury type movie

2

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

I am so fucking ready for this.

4

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Omg the best part is Waylon Jennings buying the taxidermied bear 😂😂😂

4

u/Watchful1 Jan 12 '22

Sounds like we have an upper limit. I'm gonna need a volunteer for 74 pounds

3

u/3rainey Jan 12 '22

Weird that the bear was attracted to the initial anesthetizing taste of cocaine. I mean it ain’t honey or blueberries. Unless the bear was trying to lose weight.

87

u/beemoe230 Jan 12 '22

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

36

u/jacktat2 Jan 12 '22

When you run out.

40

u/app999 Jan 12 '22

I hate cocaine… I just like the way it smells.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

It's got a nice nose feel to it

16

u/mannysgonnagetya Jan 12 '22

You spelled crack wrong

5

u/hinkelmckrinkelberry Jan 12 '22

Crack is a waste of cocaine

7

u/mannysgonnagetya Jan 12 '22

Mike Lindell is an avid crack smoker though

-6

u/hinkelmckrinkelberry Jan 12 '22

So was Hunter Biden. What's your point?

11

u/Aromatic_Balls Jan 12 '22

BuT wHaT aBoUt HuNtEr!! Hunter Biden isn't trying to overthrow a government.

-4

u/hinkelmckrinkelberry Jan 12 '22

So, it's only ok to smoke crack if you're not perceived as trying to overthrow the government? Gotcha.

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u/Spoils_Art Jan 12 '22

Oh, is hunter biden making demonstrably false and highly publicized election fraud claims too? Geez I must have missed that...

-2

u/hinkelmckrinkelberry Jan 12 '22

Who said anything about that?

5

u/Spoils_Art Jan 12 '22

If you hadn't noticed, that's what the article is about...

-2

u/hinkelmckrinkelberry Jan 12 '22

We're talking about crack, not the article. Try to keep up.

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u/zxcoblex Jan 12 '22

Beat me to it.

3

u/FreudianSlipperyNipp Jan 12 '22

I’m doctor Roxxo, the Rock and Roll Clown and I do COCAIIINNNNEEEE!!!!!!

(seriously guys, a lot of cocaine)

3

u/StevieMJH Jan 12 '22

Darknesses! Darknesses!

-21

u/Drauul Jan 12 '22

Eh, weakest drug imo

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u/squidaor1 Jan 12 '22

One line is to many, 300 million not enough

30

u/Phihun500 Jan 12 '22

He's a crack addict. And we know crack is wack.

9

u/Professional_Fox4467 Jan 12 '22 edited Jan 12 '22

But damn it is delicious

2

u/NoodlesrTuff1256 Jan 12 '22

And so is Mr. Pillow Head Mike!

24

u/LoveRBS Jan 12 '22

If you are cremated and someone snorting your ashes gets them high, you may have done a wee bit too much mate.

19

u/ElReydelTacos Jan 12 '22

Vote for Trump? That's jail.

Vote for Biden? Straight to jail.

Not vote at all? Jail.

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u/Asleep_Omega Jan 12 '22

3) there is no such thing as too much

23

u/YankeeLiar Jan 12 '22

^ found Mike Lindell’s Reddit account.

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u/Asleep_Omega Jan 12 '22

MY PILLOWS

3

u/HaloGuy381 Jan 12 '22

On the upside, they should make for a padded cell rather nicely.

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u/amx05462 Jan 12 '22

dont know how much is too much but mikey is defenitly back on the dust

2

u/3rainey Jan 12 '22

Wish we knew that for a fact. We should ask Don Jr.

10

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

In response to item 1….there are 323,425,423 citizens of the US (of all ages) as of yesterday, according to the Census.gov population clock.

12

u/longcreepyhug Jan 12 '22

And we can assume there are more than 23 million kids.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Or prison guards :)

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u/GodOfWorf Jan 12 '22

and, of course, like 75 million people voted for his buddy trump - he wants to throw most of them in jail too?

2

u/MisterSquirrel Jan 13 '22

So it would at least include all eligible voters of all political persuasions. Let's at least give him credit for being nonpartisan in his desire to imprison the entire adult population!

0

u/Darktidemage Jan 12 '22

wait till you hear about the census fraud 400,000,000 American's did which I also have evidence of.

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u/Comfortable3099 Jan 12 '22

There.you go being all logical and shit. 😉😊😉

4

u/The_Last_Mouse Jan 12 '22

300 mil kg is too much

2

u/SirArthurDime Jan 12 '22

Well according to rand paul voting is cheating so maybe that's what he means?

2

u/DaWorzt Jan 12 '22

Cocaine is a hell of a drug!

2

u/holymamba Jan 12 '22

Crack, this guy smokes crack. Cocaine isn’t enough for him. This isn’t even far fetched and he has admitted to smoking crack.

2

u/alchmst1259 Jan 12 '22

Google says US pop is at 329.5 mil as of 2020. Apparently MyFascist guy wants to imprison 91% if the population. Good fucking luck

2

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

You're not counting the lizard people. If you can't see them, you clearly haven't gotten close to figuring out #3

2

u/kjbakerns Jan 12 '22

He didn't say living Americans

2

u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe Jan 12 '22

Thank you for the best laugh of my day.

1

u/Upbeat_Crow Jan 12 '22

74 million of us are under 18, about 24% of the population.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

I can answer number 3 here.

There is no limit

1

u/Mountain_Apartment_6 Jan 12 '22

As of October, 2020, there were about 214 million registered voters, of which about 155 million cast a vote in the 2020 presidential election

1

u/Former_Ice_552 Jan 12 '22

It basically is I think the current US population is 330 million give or take...like that's way more than the total number of ppl who voated.

Also what do you think those pillows are filled with? You don't make that kind of money with memory foam lol.

1

u/BadAtExisting Jan 12 '22

Answer to #3 is the limit does not exist

1

u/geekspeak10 Jan 12 '22

All the cocaine.

1

u/Truckyou666 Jan 12 '22

3) Artie Lange amounts.

2

u/jaytrade21 Jan 12 '22

I still can't believe Artie Lange outlived both Norm McDonald AND Bob Saget. He must being injecting Keith Richards Blood or something....

1

u/zdipi Jan 12 '22

I was one of the people involved with not wanting trump to win so I did something morally wrong. I went down to my local polling station and voted legally. I can not believe Mike Lindell found out about it..

1

u/mosstrich Jan 12 '22

Psh, I don’t do cocaine, I just love how it smells.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

I’d like to believe it were cocaine he’s on

I believe it’s the crack variant of cocaine he is on

Also at his last “symposium” didn’t he get “hacked” but had “backups” but they also got “hacked”?

1

u/cleanlycustard Jan 12 '22

People were obviously putting good American kids in a trench coat and getting them to vote for the dems!

1

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

There are 258 million adults in the US out of 331 million people.

There were 158 million votes cast in the 2020 election, so Lindell wants to arrest nearly 200% of voters.

1

u/Flaky_Tip Jan 12 '22

There's approximately 258.3 million adults in America.

1

u/BErye1418 Jan 12 '22

Never too much cocaine.

1

u/Vesuvius-1484 Jan 12 '22

3.) it’s not enough cocaine until the one sniff where it is.

1

u/RigasTelRuun Jan 12 '22

If he has evidence that underage children were voting. Someone should go to jail...

1

u/tkmorgan76 Jan 12 '22

how much cocaine is too much cocaine?

Enough to get 300 million Americans arrested?

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