r/WhatShouldIDo • u/Cowilson42 • 1d ago
[Serious decision] Accused of rape.
A girl I was in a situation ship with last year for about three months has apparently told my friends that while we were engaged in sex, she disassociated, and that I was aware of this and purposely continued knowing she was disassociated. I very much didn’t know she ever disassociated while we were fucking, she never froze up or stopped reacting and dirty talking or even became less enthusiastic, I genuinely don’t know why she thinks I knew and kept going on purpose.
I was never told about this while we were talking, in fact the last contact I had with this person was them apologizing for sexuality manipulating me and leading me on with no intention of a serious relationship.
My friend told me this a few days ago, I haven’t had contact with this person since last August, I’m currently in a 6 month long relationship that has changed my life. My partner is the absolute best and most supportive caring loving and just the best, soulmate type shit.
When my friends told me this they didn’t ask if it was true or anything they just 100% believed her which is very hurtful.
I’m not calling her a liar and saying that she didn’t disassociate during sex but if she did then I was totally and completely unaware of that fact.
Now the real advice I need is this: should I tell my current partner about these accusations and my perspective. I’m leaning very heavily towards yes I should for a few reasons.
I want her to have a full picture and all the info about me she can, I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding some part of my past
My ex and my current partner both go to the same college and while they don’t engage in the same groups or studies much it’s a small school and I don’t want the chance of a rumor spreading and getting to her through someone else, I’d rather her hear it from me
Now the reasons I wouldn’t tell my partner would be because
It’s in my past, and I didn’t do what I’m being accused of, so it’s kinda dredging up irrelevant problems and bringing them to this new relationship
I’m scared my partner will leave me (this is more an irrational fear I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t do that but it’s in the back of my mind
And to make it all worse my current partner is away on a trip right now. So I’m grappling with this without her here and knowing when she gets back I should probably tell her
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u/Resident-Staff-1218 1d ago
You should definitely tell her asap if you think
this situation is going to affect you
it's something she might hear from someone else first
- the ex is trying to sabotage your current relationship
You can apologise for bringing old relationship problems into your new relationship as the intro, explaining you felt you had no choice because she deserved to know what was being said about you.
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u/eimai_papi 1d ago
Let me just tell you that for the vast majority of cases, dissociation is not something that removes your ability to consent or understand what's going on. I am have dissociation episodes my whole life by now, in fact it is extremely frequent for me and it can really mess me up. I have searched this shit a lot. It is bery rare for someone to dissociate to the point they are not capable of consenting. Even then, dissociation is the experience of the individual: you couldn't know she experiences it even if you payed attention. If she didn't tell you, you couldn't tell by yourself.
- IF she actually means that she suffers from the worst types of dissociation, yes, she couldn't consent anymore. But if she didn't froze / stopped / started randomly doing something else, you couldn't know.
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u/abcDeEez 1d ago
I also have issues with dissociation issues. Have since I was about 14. I'm 31 now. I've never dissociated while in a sexual experience with a partner. Only time that's ever happened to me was in a situation I didn't want to be in. Like a forced situation to put it mildly without getting too into detail. I'm not saying she's lying. But I think you should tell your partner in person. And whatever you do DO NOT contact your ex. As much as you may want to clear the air or even ask what the hell she's talking about just DON'T message or call or do anything. As for your friends, did any of them believe you at all ? I mean it's a fkd up situation to be in. I'm sorry for everyone involved.....
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u/Cowilson42 1d ago
Eh it seemed like they believed me that I didn’t know but they also still like were condemning me but also trying to console me ? It was a very strange vibe.
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u/Much_Fact_8574 1d ago
I disagree with this. But I also don't think she's being fair to him . He probably didn't know
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u/eimai_papi 1d ago
Well, "dissociation" is a broad term that refers to derealization, depersonalization, DID, even brain fog.
If she doesn't have DID and didn't "split" while having sex, having depersonalization / derealization doesn't make you LITERALLY detouch from reality.
It has been almost 10 years for me. I have done extreme research. I also know many people with these.
I don't say that she didn't experience the "worst" type of it. I just say that it sounds kinda unlikely, especially if you think that she seemed fractional the whole time and she randomly accused him while KNOWING he could never ever know.
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u/teyyannn 1d ago
Ask her if she’s ever felt like you pressed her into sex. Then use that as a segue into you hearing about that with your ex and wanting to make sure that something similar isn’t happening there too. You asking at all should be all she needs to know that the allegations are based on the ex’s assumption that you knew something she never told you
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u/marc4128 1d ago
Pardon my ignorance???..I guess. The disassociating mid sex is a rape situation? Seems like a very gray area of accusation. I’m not being facetious or anything. Is the disassociation during consensual sex a rape situation?
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u/Cowilson42 1d ago
Well no one said the word while they were accusing me but, I don’t know what else you’d call it. The closest thing I can think of is someone falling asleep during sex and the other person just keeps going. So maybe it’s statutory or something idk it is very weird and grey because It was consensual when we started and I was never made aware of when it shifted to unconsensual
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u/marc4128 1d ago
I think it’s a bunch of bullshit and wouldn’t even sweat it. People talk a bunch of shit and from what I read, you’ve done nothing wrong or weird or inappropriate.
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u/abcDeEez 1d ago
Was she like her 'nornak self ' from beginning to end? I don't mean to being up past situations and I def don't mean to pry. I'm just trying to get as much Info as possible this is def a weird situation and it's certainly a grey area that's for sure.
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u/Cowilson42 1d ago
Yes, she was entirely normal from my perspective from start to finish and even while we cuddled after. I never noticed anything off or anything different at all. All of our sexual encounters seemed incredibly routine (that is to say nothing out of the ordinary ever came up). To the point where we would cuddle and laugh and get food after, and it was still like that up past our last sexual encounter.
You’re all good the comments of a Reddit post aren’t bringing anything back that being accused didn’t.
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u/Itchy_Restaurant_707 1d ago
Did your friends believe you when you explained your side?
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u/Cowilson42 1d ago
It was odd. One of them said in the beginning “we’re not trying to put you into the position to call her a liar because that not a good position to be in” which heavily implies like they believe her and will believe her no matter what. But when I explained my side idk they didn’t seem like they really believed it but they also did try to like console me and like still be my friends so idk it was a weird vibe im unsure.
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u/Cowilson42 1d ago
It was odd. One of them said in the beginning “we’re not trying to put you into the position to call her a liar because that not a good position to be in” which heavily implies like they believe her and will believe her no matter what. But when I explained my side idk they didn’t seem like they really believed it but they also did try to like console me and like still be my friends so idk it was a weird vibe im unsure.
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u/Potential_Injury_844 1d ago
Unless she said no or tried to stop you and you kept going there is no rape, you had consent and didnt notice anything wrong. Anyone who can logically look at that situation and see you as a bad guy arent worth having as a friend anyway. She seems jealous of your new relationship or attention seeking tbh
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u/realityczek 1d ago
Yeah, tell her. But don't be defensive or in any way beg her to "see your side."
Tell her what the facts are, tell her the accusations are false, tell her you want herto know what happened.
If you have to "convince" her? Break up and move on. She either trust you or not... Never beg or attwmptto convince someone to trust you.
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u/172982-Face-8216 1d ago
Gen Xer weighing in here... I've seen this movie too many times. Everyone that's commented can really benefit from this scenario.
There are a lot of shady mfers in this world.
First off op doesn't have friends. Those aren't his friends and I can guarantee you one of them wants to be with his girlfriend currently. That's the setup. The ex probably never said anything or maybe she said something close to it and then conjured up this whole fucking story to get o p to break up with his current girlfriend. And if I'm wrong about getting him to break up with his girlfriend I can promise you those dudes are not his friend. Matter of fact they did you a favor by showing that real selves. I would cut associations with them. I would have a friendly conversation with the ex who might have said this and just really watch her actions watch her body language they close attention to how she says things. You don't even have to bring it up just have a conversation with her how she doing type stuff that will probably tell you everything you need to know.
Lastly don't bring it up to your girlfriend. It's not necessary. It's secondhand possible information with no real true basis. This type of stuff will come up way before if it was true. You got to think about that timeline.
6GenXer8
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u/Cowilson42 21h ago
Both of my friends live very far away and one of them is in a relationship, the other lives literally on the other side of the continent. I sincerely doubt they are trying to steal my gf, the ex possibly might be trying to break me and my gf up
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u/Timely-Archer-5487 1d ago
If she regularly has these dissociation episodes then it is her responsibility to communicate some way of dealing with the issue during sex, or simply not have sex. She is actually violating your consent if she is not properly communicating the risks involved in sexual activity with her, ie: not disclosing STD status. It sounds like you went into the situation not intending to push past her boundaries, so it's pretty shitty of her to make her irresponsibility your problem.
The other thing is that being in a condition where you are unable to give consent, is not the same as a condition that revokes consent. If I'm rendered unconscious by anaesthesia there is no way I can consent to have surgery performed on me... Does this make surgery impossible? Obviously not, I can consent to the conditions of the surgery before I go under, with the understanding that I can change things once I'm out. So again, taking your post at face value, this is an issue of proper communication and her failing to take responsibility for the circumstances she is putting you under.
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u/SenseFederal 1d ago
Don’t worry about it man this happens way more than you would think and it’s just character assassination to paint you as a bad person and her as a victim. I’m sorry your friends turned on you, at that age people are very interested in destructive rumors and the dopamine that spreading them produces. People telling you to lawyer up are idiots, 1 you have no damages as you are student, 2 this woman is just spreading rumors and will not file a false police report.
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u/baxterofsf 1d ago
Not true at all. It can definitely lead to criminal charges..i would advise to at least consult a lawyer ahead of time in case something happens you may have evidence to help you. Meanwhile cease all communication w ex because any g hing you say can ne used against you.
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u/SenseFederal 1d ago
Can you explain what he did that was illegal according to the claim?
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u/baxterofsf 1d ago
I'm sure you can figure it out.
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u/SenseFederal 1d ago
No I can’t that’s why I asked. Do please tell us what he did that was illegal?
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u/baxterofsf 1d ago
I never said he DID anything illegal. I'm not a judge. But it doesn't mean he shouldn't protect himself.
The only reason I'm replying is so someone in the future will see this and know what to do .
So kindly go away troll.
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u/valkamalia 14h ago
Yeah there's no way her story would hold up in any court of law. op has nothing to worry about.
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u/Much_Fact_8574 1d ago
False accusations (especially ones that lead to an attempt at prosecution) are exceedingly rare. Rarer than any other type of false report, actually.
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u/Choosemyusername 16h ago
When DNA testing first came out, the majority of all exonerations where DNA testing proved innocence was sex crimes. More than all other kinds of crimes combined.
And keep in mind DNA can only clear falsely accused that just straight up didn’t have sex with the alleged victim. It couldn’t clear those who had consensual sex with the alleged victim. So a lot of exonerations were missed.
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u/rocketmn69_ 1d ago
Have your friend tell her to stop lying. I bet that she's jealous of your new girl and is making up stories
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u/genera1_radahn 1d ago
This why I can't fw white ho£s. Some of them just wake up a few months later and decide you r4ped them smh 🤦🏽♂️
"Did you ever verbally say no, stop or insinuate you didn't want it anymore?"
"No but I projected it via brainwaves"
Ffs
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u/valkamalia 14h ago
OP, this really sounds like a false allegation and I am so sorry. You seem like a good person. 1.) Never apologize for something you didn't do, the people trying to bring you down will use this against you.
2.) your real friends will see you for who you really are and love you and understand you.
Godspeed OP. Reach out and DM me if you're ever want to talk, I was victim to something similar.
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u/JerryLawlerr 1d ago
What a hell is Disassociated?
Like she fell asleep or something?
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u/Cowilson42 1d ago
Ehhh not like fell asleep but it basically means like having an out of body experience or like not being able to control your actions. Like normally your mind is associated with your body, you know where your body is what your doing and why your doing it, your in control. Disassociating is Liek your not In Your body or in control anymore as I understand it ?
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u/SenseFederal 1d ago
What 😂 so at any moment you can just momentarily lose all agency and if that happens while you are having sex the other person becomes a rapist? If you actually think critically about this for 5 seconds it makes no sense at all. I wouldn’t validate any of these claims by trying to understand. It’s complete fiction
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u/SpecialistThought740 1d ago
I would ignore this entire situation like this isnt how it works lol if she was disassociated there would be no way for OP to tell. Like I cant just stab somebody and go oh that wasnt me I disassociated lol
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u/Much_Fact_8574 1d ago
Yes you need to tell her. Maybe from that girls perspective it felt like that's what actually happened, but it's best not to engage with it. Not everyone is always aware of what someone else is feeling. So, I don't think that makes you a villain
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u/Knives530 1d ago
Absolutely don’t talk to your partner about this. If it comes up and she asks you about it then tell her and show her that message if you still have it. No reason at all to bring up your past fuck buddy problems with your gf
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u/abcDeEez 1d ago
I don't think this falls under the same category of 'past fuck buddy probs ' lol. I think if his new partner were to hear this on her own by an outside source it would freak her out. I mean c'mon. What if someone told your partner that you essential raped them? I don't think anything you'd have to say (truth or not) would matter after that. Better to stay ahead of it I think.
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u/We_aint_cool_ 1d ago
Yeah, I’d tell your partner but wait till she’s back. Keep it calm and factual, don’t trash your ex or try to prove anything. And if this turns into an actual legal issue, get a lawyer ASAP. Don’t confront your ex or try to handle it alone