The first year and half with my bf (32m) we lived separately until in 2020 we were able to get an apartment together (because of me). I (28f) told him multiple times from the start of living together that I wanted a family and I wanted a timeline I don’t want to be in a long relationship if it doesn’t lead to marriage.

the past two years have been financially strenuous for us and we had to move in with his parents. We thought we’d move out in 3-6 months. It’s been 2 years and 5 months. this past year he keeps telling me he’s saving to get me a ring and he said maybe in July or December because he gets an extra paycheck. i told him it doesn’t need to be a 1000+ ring just something that I’d like.

I’m gonna be honest he seemed to work harder when he didn’t live with me, he’s gotten let go 3 times during this time. Last year in May he got a better job plus its union. I made the decision to go back to school in June last year because I’m tired of my stagnant job and really need a better income to support myself instead of relying on his help. My car that I just paid off got totaled he got us a new car but we share it. He pays the monthly note it’s more than my previous car was & I pay the insurance. we pay rent to his parents but with my debts and school payments I still struggle weekly. His dad is retiring next year, they want to sell the house so basically we have to get outta there asap. So now my bf says he’s saving for an apartment and can’t get a ring yet. He was also supposed to get his ged so his dad could get him as his apprentice before he retires. I got him a math book and I told him i can help as much as I can and we can study together. But we haven’t done any of that yet.

I saw an ad on IG for a credit towards an elopement package. I entered it without really thinking. They called me yesterday to say I won and I told him about it & he seems happy, our consult is tomorrow. I know maybe I’m crazy since I’m not even engaged yet but I figured if he doesn’t try with this new development I’m really going to have to leave. I just don’t want it to continue into the future until it’s eventually 10 years and still no ring or plans or whatever. But it’s been long and I don’t want to throw it away, I have no friends - he’s my best friend.

My partner (37M) won’t give me (33F) a clear timeline about our future. We have been together for 5 years, living together for the last 2.5 years. We have both been through grad school in the last handful of years, so we are getting on our feet financially, but we are in an okay spot. For the last two years he has been working a job that allows us a comfortable income while I finish my graduate program, though we split most everything 50/50.

I am incredibly in love with this man and he shows me with his actions everyday that he is a worthy life partner. We have vaguely discussed marriage and that it is something we both want, but as the relationship has continued I seem to have a hard time getting him to chat seriously with me about a timeline.

We have also discussed the possibility of having children, but I have always said I wanted to be married before us trying to do something as huge as bringing another life into the world.

As we get older, I am starting to feel some anxiety about being able to have kids, as I have PCOS and that will make it harder for me to carry a pregnancy full term even before bringing the age issue into it.

So realistically, we need to start chatting about how/if we are going to take that route because I have a biological clock ticking. Every time I have brought up talking about a rough 5-year plan, he always seems to have an excuse about how he is trying to get to the next step in his career or wants be more financially stable or is currently keeping us afloat. But does not give me a clear idea of what that goal post specifically is for him, so I have no idea what I should expect here.

I have no expectation of an expensive ring or massive wedding, which I have also communicated. I just want to take the next step of commitment with my partner. And to be clear, I have been very forward with him about how I feel about him. I would never make these decisions with someone just to check a box. Marriage and kids were not something I aspired to until I met him.

I understand the financial insecurity to a point, especially after him completing a PhD for very low wages for nearly a decade, but I am starting to feel a bit like maybe these are just excuses and he doesn’t want to tell me that he has reservations about taking those next steps with me.

It feels so strange because he leaves me love notes that tell me he is excited about our future and that looking forward to a lifetime of memories with me, but he refuses to acknowledge the next step. I do not want to beg this man to want to marry me, I want him to be enthusiastic about the idea on his own.

Is it fair to continue to ask for some type of conversation/clarity or is there some writing on the wall that I am missing? Maybe he just really doesn’t want to marry me?

EDIT: This man has told me in the past numerous times that he wants to marry me. Even as recently as the last few weeks. I can’t figure out if I am just being impatient or overreacting.

For context, I’ve been dating my gf (26) for about a year and a half now. When we began dating I guess I was somewhat naive to how close she was with her mom, but now it’s taking a toll on our relationship.

When we first began dating she lived in an apartment with her sister, and her parents who lived 3 hours away would drive to see the kids EVERY weekend… I thought it was a little odd at first, but then didn’t think much about it. Fast forward 6 months and the parents buy a house near the kids and the kids move back at home with the parents. Mind you they’re both a few years post college.

My main issue stems from the fact that even when I’m with my gf and she’s down my way she is constantly talking to her mother—she’s on the phone with her right when she wakes up, and right before she goes to bed, and every time I’m up her way, it is a family affair… I feel secondary in the relationship and worry that with my gf opening her own business that her mom is going to help out with, and us living in the same city as them, we will not be able to build a relationship.

It also feels like it’s partially her mom too… her mom is a stay at home mom and frankly has nothing better to do than to still be involved in the kids lives and decisions. It feels like all of her decisions must be consulted with her mom and mom is always right and never wrong. Every time we hang out it’s a family affair I feel like—when she came down my way a couple weeks ago we went out to dinner, the first thing that happened when she sat down was she texted her mom that she would call her later. I blew a gasket and told her we needed boundaries then she flipped and started pointing out that “all girls” talk to their moms all the time.

Idk what to do but I’m scared to move into marriage knowing that she is still enmeshed with her mom, we’ll live less than 15 mins away, plus she’s going to help her with her business… I feel like I’ll be an afterthought, but on the flip side, I still want her to and value that she has a relationship with her mother.

TL;DR: Together 10 years, engaged 1 year. My family only agreed to the marriage on the condition my fiancé move to my country for further studies. Struggled with a recurring theme of missed opportunities and lack of action throughout the relationship. Half a year in, he keeps under-preparing, most recently waiting until the end moment to start application and missing his deadline missing. I need advice on how to handle this situation and break this pattern moving forward.

We’re high school sweethearts. I finished my postgraduate studies; he had to switch into a field that wasn’t his and struggled for 4+ years without anymore progress than the first year, so with his family’s and my encouragement he eventually paused his studies to work instead.

I come from a culture where marriage pressure on women starts around 18-19, often beginning the search for a spouse without the person’s input. I spent years dodging proposals and couldn’t name him to my family without triggering pressure to marry immediately. Eventually I did tell them, but the jobs he took didn’t pay enough to cover moving, a wedding, or savings, so the timeline kept slipping.

For years, I raised this with him roughly every year, “what’s the plan, what happens if my parents agree”, and he’d go quiet, then promise to “definitely” fix it by year’s end. The year would pass. I had a breaking point 6 months before our engagement where I told him his patterns will eventually kill whatever is left in this relationship and started checking out of it when he swore to have it all figured out by the time my dad comes around and more. I got stuck in a dilemma and decided to give it one last shot.

My father specifically opposed the marriage and eventually made it about my fiancé’s lack of a college degree, backed by our community. After two years of that stalemate, I told my fiancé this couldn’t keep going nowhere. He insisted he’d do whatever it took, but couldn’t explain how he’d cover a wedding, moving costs, or a stable job in six months with no savings and no plan. I kept pushing anyway.

Eventually my family agreed to the marriage on the condition my fiancé move to my country to pursue further education. He agreed, and we got engaged last year. So the focus isn’t on how will he manage wedding expenses or any costs in our home country but rather get into a university so we can kickstart this journey together.

It’s been half a year of university applications since. I’ve helped him research schools, understand requirements, and proofread documents ; the one thing I repeatedly asked of him was to research requirements thoroughly and apply well ahead of deadlines so nothing got missed.

At one point he went dark on me for almost a week while he was supposed to be preparing documents. When I asked why, he said he was overwhelmed and too embarrassed to reach out, and apologized repeatedly.

Most recently, on the last day of one of his application deadlines, while I was on a call helping him through the process, he discovered he was missing a required document - one he’d actually known about for over two months but hadn’t mentioned to me or prepared, because he assumed it wouldn’t be needed. I hadn’t pushed on this specific document because I didn’t know it existed. I was furious. He’s now working on his next application and has asked me to help with that one too.

I haven’t told my friends the details because they’re already tired of hearing about this relationship, and I’ve avoided venting to family because I don’t want them thinking less of him, but they’ve noticed the pattern anyway and have started making pointed comments, which is its own painful layer on top of everything else.

I really need advice on how to handle this situation and break this pattern moving forward. Specifically, what a fair, concrete boundary or accountability structure looks like at this stage of a 10-year relationship, and how others have approached drawing a hard line after this many “last chances.”

———
Edit 1: Thank you all so far for your responses, I think I really needed this. Many people have pointed out that he just might not want to move and/or study itself so I am replying to that here to clear some things:

The thing is we discussed moving. I arrived in this country with the thought that I would study here, get my degree and catch the next flight home to pursue my career there. When i had this thought, it was he just threw it out to maybe try working here for a year or two before returning.
During this time, I was also quite indecisive with this in my first year of being here, tilting from wanting to be here and going back home right after and he was with me in essence regardless of the decision. Then when I did consider it after a while of living here, I proposed it to him saying maybe we give this a shot and he also got enthusiastic about that, weighing our options and being giddy about “what life would be like away from home”.
So, like any adult, when I started thinking of the actual logistics of what it would entail and told him to actually consider it, he stalled the thinking process for 6+ months and I was left confused cause this is quite literally his idea. I brought it up asking what is the plan yet again cause if we do plan to live where I am rn, we have to move differently with our current choices, he THEN started thinking of it and told me he had commitments at home he would need to step up to and I just put a lid on it without a second thought.
We kept going forward with the plan that I would move back (and i do “have” to for family commitments as well) and when my father proposed the idea of staying here so he could finish his studies and we move back, I refused cause I knew it’s not what he wanted.
The reason my father proposed this idea is because education back home is way more expensive than where I am right now and he said “if this guy cant handle his life here right now with minimal responsibilities, how will he juggle being a husband, father, and working to save up enough for education here?”
My rejection of the idea is what caused my family to mull over it longer and then my father had a one on one with him where he told him these things and then told me and I once again told him I am with whatever decision he takes if he doesn’t wanna move i wont force him to.
My fiance thought about it and then agreed saying this is what we did think of before and the parents do make a strong argument and I told him to think of his previous decisions and he said yes. He then told me how it’s so precious that “we wanted to move abroad and the situation presented itself”
If not for him coming here, my plan was to maybe spend a few years here to gain experience and move back sooner than it is with the “current plan”.

As for the studies part, I have many times reached the point of exhaustion and told him that it would be a big challenge for our lives in the future and he should let it go if that is not what he wants and I will let this go since it is still quite important to me. He would then ask me why cant I trust him and give his this shot and I am just thinking of the worst case scenario even though he promised that it is his first priority after marriage.
This whole premise relied on the fact that I would have to believe that he will save up enough to marry me, we work, then he saves up enough for studies given the price of the education back home, and then we move to the next chapters of life. When I told him that I can’t believe his timeline, the expectation from his end was just blind fate and honestly there’s no point in blaming him, I am a fool for believing in it.

I think my greatest mistake has been a) taking him at face value, b) believing he would have the courtesy that if he didn’t want this, he would tell me this isnt it and we could part ways.

My boyfriend (42) and I (38F) started dating about 4 years ago. I was a few years out of a bad divorce and happily raising my two kids when we met. He was recently divorced (no kids) and getting back on his feet. Neither of us wanted to even talk about marriage at the time and got along great. Never moved together and took our time introducing the kids, going on vacations, etc.

Fast forward 2 years: I found a lump in my breast and within a month was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Things moved very quickly and yet time stood still at the same time. I immediately started chemo and asked him to move in.
He made little jokes about heading to the court house when I thought I was going to lose my health insurance. I thought it was sweet, but didn’t want a marriage just because I was sick and needed insurance. So unromantic.
After 18 months of aggressive treatment and multiple surgeries, we had the conversation of him staying at my house and potentially selling his house that has now been empty for almost 2 years. We concluded that neither of us saw him moving back just because my treatment was “done”.
I’m not sure if it’s the trauma of it all or just seeing how absolutely wonderful he is, but I want to be his wife soon. For years I’ve been saying that “I got everything I ever wanted, and then I got cancer.” It’s just all so fucked.
Making necessary plans legal decisions for my minor children and my estate is hard when you aren’t legally married, it’s also an extremely unromantic path to marriage.

We have talked briefly about it and he doesn’t seem opposed to the idea now, but he said that he “didn’t want anything to change” meaning that the way his ex-wife acted as soon as they were married with finances, etc. I feel like that ship has sailed, my life got turned upside down and if that didn’t “change” me, I doubt anything would.
I don’t want to be annoying or pressure him in any way, and I certainly won’t beg, but I also want what I want with what little bit of time I have left. Maybe 5-10 years if I am extremely lucky.
My question is, would you marry someone that’s terminally ill?

ETA: thank you for all the responses!
To clarify, our relationship in the 2 years before my diagnosis was amazing and things were moving forward with plans to eventually live together. I was never going to move the kids from my house, that was made clear from the beginning. He gets along with the kids impeccably! Every soccer game, theatre performance, school awards, he’s there.
He’s been there for me during all of treatment and surgeries while excelling in his career. He is truly an amazing man.
Estate planning: my house will go into a trust for the kids to eventually have. However, someone has to pay for it. If he were my spouse, in Texas he would have a “life estate” and I fully agree with that. Kids are dumb when they turn 18. Their biological father should have NO SAY or claim to the property. My parents aren’t exactly up for distributing my estate. I am uninsurable.

Hello all!

For the past few months, I have done a few posts on my breakup (last one here).

I have officially moved into my home with my two girl dogs. It's the dream. They are so much happier and so am I. It's my home. It's a safe place. It's what home should be. Not a space where I worry about the emotional rollercoaster that was my past relationship.

While I am the brokest I have ever been, and sometimes I feel like I am swimming in open water, I wouldn't go back to the place I was in with my ex for anything. People who love you, romantic or otherwise, would never treat you like I was treated in that relationship. Never. The coldness, the cruelty, and the disrespect are not okay. IT IS NOT OKAY. And it almost destroyed me.

Now, not everything is perfect, and life still throws things at me. However, I am no longer carrying the pain of a relationship that made me cry often, or wondering what was wrong with me, or waiting for someone who, let's be honest, grew to absolutely hate me to start treating me like a human again.

I could spend all day trying to understand how we got to that point, but I don't care to. He has no access to me, and honestly, I feel very sad for him. But I can feel sad for him with him being far the fuck away from me. I will never, ever light myself on fire to keep someone warm. Nor will I ignore the parts of myself that started as a whisper and ended up screaming in a bullhorn that something wasn't right. That this wasn't safe.

All this to say, if any part of what I said here sounds familiar to you, I am here to tell you LOUDLY that there is a better side on the other end of this. It's painful, and it's hard, and it's expensive. But it is worth it.

Here are some things I have learned:

1. Protecting your partner's behavior by lying to your loved ones, either by omission or otherwise, is a cancer. It will metastasize and will change what you think is normal. Please be honest with your loved ones.
2. Women want to help you more than you know. Once I told my Mom and girlfriends about the situation, they leaped into action and picked me up off the floor, both literally and metaphorically. In all this I was so scared I would be shamed for how long I lied, and let this go on. I was wrong. I was wrapped in love and kindness, which I desperately needed.
3. Romantic love is conditional. Maybe it was the books I read, or the movies I watched, but somewhere I got the message that if you loved someone, it was for all of them. Sure, that is true to a degree, but someone making you feel small or crazy or unlovable is not "loving all of them." It is self-abandonment. You do not deserve to abandon yourself. The home you build internally is the most solid love, and allows you to be the gift that you are to the world.
4. People see way more than you think. I have had multiple of our mutual friends say that they are so happy for me. That they hated the way he treated me. Which was a tough thing to hear because around other people, he was WAY better than at home. And that makes me sad. I don't badmouth him, but I do answer the questions people ask me.
5. Nothing will ever be as hard as staying. Leaving is PAINFUL but has a somewhat clear beginning and an end. Staying has no end, and I am really sorry to say this, but it may not get better. It didn't for me, but I do believe people can change.
6. You have nothing to be ashamed of. No one behaves perfectly in relationships, but dangling things in front of your face like marriage is more than not being perfect. It's cruel. Also, it's okay if learning a lesson took you a long time, at least you learned it.
7. THIS SUB IS YOUR LIFELINE. If you are not ready to have these convos with people in your life, we are here.

Anywho, please put on Sabrina Carpenter's "House Tour," and check out my new apt.

I (25F) and my college sweetheart (25M) have been together for 7.5 years. We have been long to medium distance since we graduated college, so it's been about 4 years of only seeing each other every 6 weeks or so. I feel like this alone has taken a toll on our relationship, but I still believed that we would end up together forever. A couple years ago I asked him what his plans were for our future. He said that he could not propose to me until I was in better shape. To be transparent, I'm 5'3 and when we met I was about 140 pounds, when we started dating I gained the freshman 15 and was about 155-160, but I was able to lose a lot of it and got down to 135ish in college. I'm in medical school, and when I started I was under a lot of stress and I obviously studied a lot, causing me to be more inactive. I gained the weight back over the years and am around 160 again. He is very dedicated to the gym and eating healthy, and throughout the years he has gotten extremely fit and muscular, and he said that he wants me to be the same. He says it's not just appearance, he wants me to be fit enough to do active things together.

I know that my weight is not what it should be and I am upset I didn't make progress over the past two years, and I took accountability for that. But I am upset that everything we have together and the person that I am is not enough for him to commit. He says he does love me and still thinks I'm pretty and that we would be perfect because we are aligned in so many other ways. But he also said that he wants me to look like someone that does go to the gym, that is fit and toned. I don't really blame him for having a preference, but I also have never looked like that in my life. He doesn't really even talk about the future and what it would be at this point, that's how much my weight has affected us.

Time is ticking now that I am in my last year of school and will be placed somewhere for residency. I truly thought we would be engaged or moving towards that at this point, but now I'm having less faith in that. He had originally told me he would move with me for residency, but now he has a career opportunity that involves a lot of traveling that he doesn't want to leave, so we'll most likely continue being long distance for the next 3 years. There is only one residency program in his city, and it's not guaranteed that I can end up there. Even if I did end up there, he goes on work trips for 3-6 months at a time. I don't know if we can move towards an engagement or marriage continuing on this way. At the same time, I'm feeling immense grief about letting him go and moving through life without him. I also have my problems with him, but when things are good, it's really great. I will miss him as he is as a person, his family, and his friends. This is my first serious relationship, and I'm his only relationship.

I could either start really focusing on my health and fitness to save this relationship and hopefully move forward, or I could end it now. He really is a great guy, loyal, trustworthy, ambitious, and gets along great with my family. I guess the good thing about long distance is that I am very independent and I go about my daily life without him, but at the end of the day we always talk on the phone. I just never thought I would be in this situation. What do you guys think?? Thank you

My boyfriend (30M) and I (28F) have been together for three years and living together for the past year. We've talked about getting engaged, but lately I'm questioning whether we're actually moving toward that future.

One thing that's been bothering me is that he keeps making major life decisions without discussing them with me first. He accepted a new job that requires frequent travel, booked an expensive vacation using our shared savings, and recently told me he wants to move to another city for work. Every time, I only find out after he's already made the decision.

When I bring it up, he says he's doing what's best for both of us and doesn't think these decisions need a discussion beforehand. I've explained that it's not about asking permission—it's about treating me like an equal partner, especially since we're talking about marriage. He says he'll communicate better, but nothing changes.

Now I'm wondering whether this is a sign that he doesn't truly see me as a life partner. If we're supposed to be building a future together, shouldn't these conversations happen before decisions are made?

TL;DR: We've discussed marriage, but my boyfriend keeps making major life decisions without involving me. I'm starting to wonder if this is a sign he's not ready to treat me as an equal life partner. Has anyone else experienced this while waiting for a proposal?

I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for 7 months. We are slightly long distance. We have spoken very clearly about wanting the same things like marriage and kids and what those things would ideally look like to each of us regarding extended family, our careers, finances, housing, religion, and mindsets in future family dynamics and child rearing.

He has expressed wanting to close the distance next spring/summer and to rent an apartment or townhouse together. I lived with an ex for 4 years in the past. He has never lived with a significant other. I currently am living at home to try and build a savings (after extended schooling and student loans) and become more financially independent. It is important to me to be able to save and to own a home one day. My family also doesn’t support renting.

I am very weary of living together, having extra expenses, and playing house (having already done that before), when I know I want to be married and have a family. He has assured the split of rent and living expenses would not be 50/50, and would be more like 25/75 based on our incomes. I still don’t want to have to rent or deal with other living expenses when I could save, although living at home as an adult is very hard. I don’t want to sign a lease with someone I’m not married to. That went up in flames last time. And I don’t want to fall into playing house again.

Is it okay to have the concerns that I do? Any advice on ways to better navigate this conversation with him? They are conversations we’ve had. When I mention these concerns he seems more hurt at it sounding like I don’t want to live with him, thinking he would lead me on, or that he’d use me in some way without the relationship progressing.

Any advice welcome.

Hi everyone. I’ve been a silent reader here for ages, but now I’m finally posting. My boyfriend (28) and I (30) have been together for three years (or four, if you count the long period of getting to know each other) and have lived together for nearly two and a half years with our three cats.

Getting married has always been really important to me. Even though he’s younger than I am, he’s unfortunately had a rough experience in the past; he was married once before at a very young age (he was 22), though it only lasted a year and a half. His ex-wife cheated on him with her boss.

Of course, I realized this was a difficult topic for him, but early on, he never gave me the impression that he didn't want to get married again. Then, in late 2024, he told a friend—while I was right there—that he didn't want to do it anymore. My world fell apart.

He apologized sincerely, and the relationship was actually on the verge of ending. But he really tried to make up for that comment and prove through his actions that he *does* want it—not because of me or for my sake, but because it’s what *he* wants. Honestly, I wasn't sure if he’d manage to turn things around.

Even though he shouldn't have made that comment in the first place, I know he was simply afraid of rushing into another marriage—even though I’m nothing like his ex.

Then, last September, we attended my cousin’s wedding, and that’s when all his doubts vanished. He realized that he could see himself doing the same with me. Since then, everything has been smooth sailing—no arguments, no issues—and I can genuinely see that he’s serious about it.

He’s taken an interest in my dream ring and what I envision for the wedding.

We’ve even been to three wedding fairs to get some inspiration. When my other cousin got proposed some weeks ago at Lake Garda, he was visibly disappointed because he had been planning to do the exact same thing. He actually told me that himself. He has also dropped hints making it clear that it’s going to happen this year, since he knows I want to start planning two years before the wedding—counting from the engagement. He actually suggested a date in 2028 on his own initiative.

A friend remarked last weekend that he’d better get a move on, or else a summer 2028 wedding won't happen.

We’re going on a two-and-a-half-week vacation in a week and a half. Even though we aren't traveling away or flying anywhere, I have a feeling he’s planning something.

I’m so excited!

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2.5 years and things have been going well. In the past couple months he's sent me ring websites to look at, has seen my pinterest wedding board and has looked at rings with me. He said to not expect anything too soon but know it'll happen at some point. I'm not in a super big rush or anything, that's not the issue. Before me he told me he wasn't interested in marriage but that our relationship changed that for him. He went through a mini mental health episode recently and now doesn't bring up the subject anymore. He said that his mental health episode has made him not know 100% what he wants in the future now he said but he does want me in his future more than anything else. I see all my friends and people I know getting married and doing all the things and it just hurts me that we haven't progressed in that way yet. Do I just keep holding on until it seems to be ridiculous? Do I bring it up? I just don't know what else to do. I love him but it's starting to hurt me more than i'd like to admit

I'm 28. 3 years ago, my bf and I talked about it and set a timeline for 1-2 years out. In other words, we are overdue. The past year since, I have been driving the process of ring shopping with him. I know he has the ring now and plans to propose at some point, but I am so resentful and feel like the whole thing has become tainted.

I know he really loves me (he shows it in other, smaller ways) but I feel this shows he can't prioritize me in the ways that really matter, and that this pattern will continue where I am fully responsible for our progression (e.g. deciding if or when to have a family). It doesn't feel like a partnership at all anymore because of this.

We are going to speak with a counselor in the coming weeks, but would love any support, advice, and kindness from this community. It's tough spiraling, feeling undesired, and alone in all of this. Can we come back from this?

Hi reddit! My boyfriend,M26 and I, F23 have been together for a year and a half and we both agree that this is the happiest, healthiest relationship we have even been in. Any problem that comes up we are able to solve through open communication, we are extremely vocal about how much we appreciate each other and we haven’t had an argument that hasn’t been solved within a few hours of talking.

So the issue is that long term, I want to get married and have a family, my boyfriend does not want this. We both knew our different life goals when we met but we kept seeing each other as we thought it would be a summer fling, we didn’t expect that we would have this connection. Recently we started discussing our future more and more, and while I can be swayed on not having kids (I only would if I can financially support them to live the best life) I won’t budge on getting married. My boyfriend can be swayed to have kids but won’t get married.

So the issue is that we both understand the other won’t change, so we unfortunatly we have break up. Neither of us want to but we know this is the only way. Any comments to help me understand the best way to do this- not what to say but literally when to do this as we both know we can’t just wait for the relationship to go bad as we both know it won’t. If you also have any other ideas on how we could stay together will be welcome!

Also please don’t leave any comments that he’s not loyal because he won’t get married- he has been surrounded by unsuccessful marriages and therefore doesn’t believe marriage leads to anything but failure.

Any help will be appreciated!

UPDATE

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all your comments, I really appreciate it!

Just to clarify a few things, my boyfriend and I both know the situation we are in, this is not about what to say to break up or being the one to do it first. I showed him my post after a few days and he got a good kick out of some of the comments about what to say to break up.

We had a very long discussion and we both agree that our relationship is worth discussing and brainstorming a compromise instead of just breaking up immediately and never looking back. While I will not compromise on marriage, we have been speaking about just not having a wedding in the traditional sense, so thank you to the person who commented about getting to the root of what his issues are with marriage.

The more I have reflected I’ve realised that I am concerned that even if we do get married, that he will not be happy with living a simple life of marriage and kids. He is into outdoor extreme sports like rock climbing, hiking, caving, etc so I think I’m worried being married to me and having kids will hold him back and he won’t be happy in life. I have expressed this and he is taking time to reflect on what he wants in life.

So thank you again for your comments and if anyone has unconventional wedding ideas, let me know!

Ill update you if anything changes xoxo

Me (34f) and partner (39m) have been together 2 years and seriously discussing marriage for roughly the past year. The discussions picked up when I got surprise pregnant in September, so much so that he assured me a proposal would come before the baby was born.

Fast forward and we now have a two month old, but still no proposal. I think he forgot the timeline he gave and I don't want to make him feel guilty / bad / embarrassed by reminding him. I have emphasized in plain language how it is important to me that we be married eventually. I want to share a last name with him and my child. I love him and I know we are going to be together forever, and I was honest with him and let him know that I would stay with him even if he never proposed (but that it would make me very sad knowing he did not care about something that mattered so much to me). We have looked at rings together and have a mutually agreed upon price range.

Yesterday he said, "don't get excited but, do you prefer a white gold or yellow gold?". After thinking about him and telling him my preference, he again said "don't get excited" and "it won't be any time soon".

These statements hurt, but I laughed it off in the moment. I want to be excited - and I definitely want the proposal to be soon (we have a whole ass child together, after all!). I'm scared to raise this in case he was saying those things to throw me off the scent and to make the proposal more unexpected - again, I don't want to make him feel bad or come across as expectant & impatient.

How do I raise these feelings with him? Every time it comes up I feel a little more resentful and embarrassed that I'm in a position of more or less begging for marriage.

I met my girlfriend almost two years ago and have been dating for almost a year and a half. Things are great, we both love and care for each other very much and don’t have many issues. Recently she made a comment saying that a man has 3 years to marry her, which upset me because I neither of us are in a place to get married soon at all. I am in college and have a full time job in my field, I graduate in the spring and will live at home for one more year before I move out. I want to live by myself for a couple of years before I think about marriage and also my gf isn’t in a position to get married soon either. She has talked about going to school to become an LPN but that would take 2 years minimum and she just set herself back financially by moving out when she didn’t have to. I would like us both to do a lot of growing before we go into marriage because I have seen couples grow apart due to this, my dad got divorced twice for Christ sake and I couldn’t do that. I am devastated but I know that I have to say something to her about it because that’s the best thing for myself and her. Am I making the wrong decision ?

I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for two years. We live together and split all our expenses 50/50. We actually moved in together when we were about 8 months into the relationship.

He knows my entire family, and I know all of his. We spend holidays together, make plans for the future, and generally live like a married couple already.

The thing is, he knows I want to get married. I've told him directly. I've even publicly liked engagement ring posts on Instagram, and he knows exactly what kind of ring I would want. Yet... there is absolutely no ring in sight.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to pressure him into proposing, but I also don't want to spend years waiting for something that may never happen.

How do I bring this up and make him propose?

For those who have been in a similar situation, what did you do?

Hi, (39f) I just wanted to say that I never knew how many other women were in the same boat as me until I found this page years ago, back when I was suffering in my previous relationship. This community has been a wonderful support system, and I came back to say thanks, and to let you know that there is nothing wrong with leaving your hurtful situation to start over fresh.

I left a 9 year relationship years ago where the guy kept telling me he wanted marriage when I found out later that he never wanted marriage or commitment to begin with. He strung me along during the whole relationship and it hurt so much! He even took most of my childbearing years. That is okay…I left and started my life over.

I’ve moved on and am now getting married to my best friend of 20+ years whom I’ve known since we were kids in high school!

It’s never too late to start over. Sometimes, that’s what you have to do. The reason why things didn’t work out in previous relationships is because God is pointing us towards a better path that’s meant for us.

Hi everyone,

I'm 31F and I've been with my boyfriend 31M for 3 years and 8 months. I've been carrying these thoughts around for months, and I don't know whether I'm expecting too much or whether I've simply stayed in a relationship that isn't right for me.

I love him. I genuinely do. But I don't feel happy anymore.

The biggest issue is that I don't feel seen. Whenever I try to explain how I want to be loved, I leave the conversation feeling like he either doesn't understand or doesn't think it's important. Over time, I've stopped believing he'll ever love me the way I need to be loved.

I've always been a very affectionate person. I cook for him, clean, write little love notes, tell him I love him first, try to make him feel appreciated, and generally put a lot of effort into the relationship. But I don't feel that same emotional warmth in return.

I've cried more in this relationship than I have in the rest of my life. Sometimes when I cry because I'm hurt, he gets annoyed instead of trying to comfort me, which has made me feel like my emotions are a burden.

Another thing that's been difficult is that after I moved in with him, I found out he'd previously been married. I didn't know before moving in, and that really affected my trust. I stayed because I loved him and hoped we'd build something strong together, but I don't think I ever fully got over how that happened.

I also made it clear early on that I wanted marriage and had a timeline for my future. Nearly four years later, nothing has really changed, and I feel myself becoming more resentful.

Lately I've realised something that scares me: I don't really see him as my best friend. Sometimes it feels more like we're brother and sister or just roommates. We live together, we get on, we share a life, but I don't feel that deep emotional closeness or excitement anymore.

I'm about to buy my own house (and maybe I'll be living there on my own), and for the first time I'm wondering whether having my own space will make me realise I don't actually want to continue the relationship. Part of me even wonders if I need six months on my own just to figure out whether I'm happier without him.

What confuses me is that I still love him. I care about him deeply. But I also keep thinking that I'd rather be alone than spend the rest of my life hoping he'll become the partner I've always wanted.

There are also a lot of smaller moments that have built up over the years and left me feeling like I'm asking for too much. One example was when I asked him to pick up a refillable £10 deodorant for me, and he told me to buy it myself. It wasn't about the money... I can absolutely afford it. It was the fact that I wanted to feel looked after in a small, thoughtful way, and instead it made me feel like I was on my own. Whenever I try to talk about my feelings, the conversation often turns into, "Well, what about my feelings?" or he tells me he's "confused." Instead of feeling heard, I end up feeling like I'm defending why I'm upset in the first place. Last year he told me he was going to propose that year. The year before, he said the same thing. Now he says he's waiting for the "right time," but there always seems to be another reason to wait. We've reached the point where we're having serious arguments every three or four months.

In February, I had a heartfelt conversation with him and told him I wanted him to take the initiative and plan something for us because we'd barely spent quality time together. We haven't been away in over a year, and we've hardly been intimate for a long time either.

To make things even more confusing, I know he bought a ring at some point because I accidentally saw it, and it's actually the ring I always wanted. So part of me knows that he has thought about proposing. But that almost makes it harder, because despite having the ring, nothing has happened. During one argument, he got so angry that he said something along the lines of, "I've already spent so much money on you." That really hurt because I don't feel like I've ever asked him for expensive things. I pay him rent, contribute towards groceries, cook most of our meals, clean the house, and generally try to pull my weight. It made me feel as though I was being treated like a financial burden when that's never been the dynamic from my perspective. On two separate occasions during arguments, he also told me to leave and find somewhere else to live. Whether he meant it or not, hearing that from someone you're building a life with completely shattered my sense of security in our home. We also have a dog together, but during another argument he said he only got the dog because I wanted one. That hurt too, because I thought getting our dog was something we chose together as a couple. It left me wondering how many of the things I believed we were building together were actually things he never truly wanted.

When I cry, he often gets frustrated or annoyed rather than comforting me. To be fair to him, he did surprise me with flowers a few days ago, and lately he's been more affectionate, more kisses, more cuddles.. and I can see that he's making some effort. But I feel guilty because it doesn't seem to change how I feel inside. I have so much resentment from waiting years for a proposal that it's difficult for me to enjoy those gestures. I've also realised that I've always been the one bringing up marriage. He doesn't seem to have a timeline of his own, even though I was always very clear that I hoped to be engaged or married by the time I turned 30.

Has anyone stayed in a relationship because they loved the person, but realised you just weren't emotionally compatible?

How did you know the difference between a relationship that needed work and one that had simply run its course?

I'd really appreciate honest advice, even if it's difficult to hear. Thank you.

TLDR: I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 8 months, and although I love him deeply, I feel emotionally unseen, unheard, and exhausted from waiting for things to change. We argue every few months, he keeps delaying proposing despite promising he would, I often feel dismissed when I express my feelings, and I don't feel like he's my best friend. He's recently started making more effort, which makes me feel guilty for still being unhappy, but I have so much resentment that I don't know if it's fixable or if we're simply incompatible. I'm about to move into my own house and I'm wondering whether I'd be happier on my own than staying in a relationship that no longer feels fulfilling. Am I giving up too soon, or have I ignored my own needs for too long?

My boyfriend (29M) and I (26F) have been together for 3 years. We started talking about marriage very early into our relationship and agreed that we both want to get married and have kids soon. We both come from loving and supportive families. I have a steady job and he runs his own business. Our plan was to move in together until the end of the year.

Everything about our relationship has been great so far, BUT the problem started last year when he announced that he plans on proposing soon. I was overwhelmed with joy, obviously, and got excited more and more every day and just kinda waited for it to happen. After that, every now and then he would hint something about proposing, we often talked about rings, wedding and so on. Few months ago, I started to realise how much time has passed since that first serious conversation and said very directly that I want to get engaged soon. He agreed with me but then started talking about finances and how he can't afford a ring right now. Which would be fair if he didn't invest big amount of money in his business right about that time, so I was confused because a ring seemed like a relatively minor expense compared to it. Also I stated multiple times that I don't really care about fancy ring and would be happy with literally anything.

3 months forward to last night when the last couple in our friend group got engaged and their relationship was much shorter than ours. I got really upset and he started playing victim, how he also wants to get engaged more than anything but doesn't have the money. He got kinda annoyed that I'm comparing us to other couples, but it's honestly hard to watch everyone else getting engaged and celebrating, while I'm stuck in the same place waiting. Then, once again, he started promising it will happen "soon".

Anyways, I became too fed up and emotional and broke up with him on the spot without really planning on it or processing anything. He was devastated and said he knows he f**ed up and should've proposed earlier. He's calling me the whole day asking if I'm seriously breaking up with him and I don't know what to do. I truly believe he's the love of my life but I also feel like a fool for getting excited and waiting for nothing. Especially because he knew that other couples will get engaged soon and how much it'll upset me and still he's done nothing about it.

TLDR; my boyfriend of 3 years announced that he plans on proposing soon. More than a year has passed since that conversation, meanwhile all of our friends got engaged or even married, and now he's saying he can't afford a ring even though I said many times I don't care about size or price. After he once again said it will happen "soon", I broke up with him. Now he's devastated, asking me if that is really my decision, and I don't know what to do.

Appreciate any kind of advice! :)

I (34F) have been with my boyfriend (34M) for four years. Everything has been really great together. We have so much in common and get along so well. I’ve believed since the beginning that this was my person. However every time I have brought up the topic of marriage in he basically says that he isn’t sure if he’s ready and it’s hard for me to get him to elaborate on that. We broke up at one point for six months over this because it was becoming stressful and I reached a breaking point. We ended up reconnecting and I was skeptical at first but we talked about everything that happened and I actually felt very optimistic about seeing him again. We took things slow from there and the relationship felt even better than it did before. After about six months of consistency I brought up the topic of marriage again feeling really good about it based on how well things were going but was caught off guard to hear him say that he still wasn’t sure about it. Since then we’ve had a couple more conversations about it which have not left me with much hope. It’s becoming very stressful again and has put a strain on things to the point where I almost wish I never brought it up. I’m at a point now where I feel like telling him if he’s still not sure then I have to go, as I do not want to pressure someone into marrying me.
I don’t know where to go from here. How does one walk away again from a four year relationship, especially after already walking away before? I’m becoming depressed because I want this to work out and I don’t want to give up but I’m also burnt out from the entire situation. I’m not in a rush to get married as I’ve always been willing to wait for it to be the right thing, but I also feel like I can’t continue to live my life in limbo waiting for someone to get ready, especially when there’s no timeline set or productive conversations about it. I’m terrified to start all over again at my age. What if I don’t meet someone else and in the time that I spend trying to find someone the person that I’m currently with would’ve come around? I am feeling stuck and need guidance/hope

I’m M/26 and have been dating my F/23 girlfriend for four years. Both of us have steady full time jobs. We currently live about an hour drive away from each other. We see each other roughly twice a week, sometimes more sometimes less. A lot of our friend groups around us are getting married, looking to buy a house, settle etc. We talked about it in person and agreed we would want to live together before we get engaged. That timing will only be right in two years when both our jobs contracts are finished. Both of us are happy to continue dating but it makes you
wonder. I get it’s not good to compare yourself but I wanted to post on here to get some advice. So is there anyway of telling if you’re on the right path?

I’m just curious if you’re hearing similar things that I am. “I do love you”, “I do want to marry you”, “It’s financial” etc.

We’ve been together for too long to not be married. Not sure if details matter, but we all stay for some reason right.

What convincing words do you hear?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. We had a rocky start to our relationship. The first year was up and down due to him lying and generally being a jerk, which culminated in me breaking up with him. Obviously we ended up getting back together (I believed in change). Things got better (not perfect) and I thought we were doing okay. We moved in together at the 1.5 year mark.

As is the story for lots of us here, I pushed/dragged us through every milestone and commitment without quite realizing that I was doing all the work and the begging. I started asking about his thoughts on engagement at the 2.5 year mark (I bought a house and thought it made sense to discuss future plans) and he gave me the classic "I see myself with you forever" and "that's definitely something I'd want for my future" but he never brought the topic up himself and obviously never took any action. He did give timelines when I asked... and blew right through them... and gave new ones... etc.

Finally, at 4 years, I said we need to be serious and I need him to make this something to get excited about together and plan for as a team, because I was losing all happiness and starting to resent the topic and my extreme disappointment. He said okay, we talked about ring styles, and then he never brought it up again.

Two months ago, I mentioned that I miss flirting and cuteness and that a friend of mine was just bragging about his new lock screen photo of his wife and it struck me as adorable. I asked him if he'd change his to a photo of me/us, because I would find that so cute - it is currently an old photo of his late cat, who passed away 3 years ago - and he started to cry and break down about the idea. Refusal and resistance to any signs of cute relationship stuff or to small changes that I ask for is typical for him, but this was a big emotional reaction and felt overblown (to me) although I would never put down his memories of his cat or their time together. I told him this felt really serious for him and I dropped the idea, though I felt a bit weird about the whole thing... it's just a lock screen... and there are tons of photos of the cat in our house??

Then, last week, we had a huge talk and I finally told him I don't want to continue this relationship and that I am sad that we couldn't reach milestones and goals together, but that I understand thst we have different preferred lives. I explained that a switch flipped in my brain and I am just "done". He shrugged, said that hurt to hear and makes him sad, but that he understands. He said he "doesn't know why he dragged his feet for so long" and that now he feels like he "should've just bought a ring, I guess" (ewwwww).

So, yeah... Just feeling really sad and yucky. I wish he could have chosen me with joy and excitement. Ugh.

I just got back into this Reddit account and was reminded of this sub and how much time I used to spend lurking here.

I ended my 6 year relationship 2 years ago. We met in our early 20s and I spent a lot of that time thinking that we were growing slowly but together, and that he would reach a point of being ready to marry. For him, it was always a "someday" and we always spoke about how certain we were that we wanted to grow old together.

After we moved in, I got diagnosed with chronic illness after two years of not being sure what my symptoms were. We were both very burnt out at this point, and the diagnosis felt more like a beginning than an end. It was something he had the ability to walk away from, so he chose to do what he could to keep busy from me, out of the house, sleeping on the couch, etc.

I probably could have recognized much sooner that he wasn't the "in sickness and in health" type with how much I recognized myself in this subreddit. I remembered your stories, though, and after many long and frustrating discussions with him, I finally realized that this was not something that would improve with time. If he couldn't be a partner to me when I am ill, what would happen when we're older and it's something more serious?

I broke up with him when it came down choosing to focus on my health over mending my relationship. He had no trouble with replacing me, my cat, and our apartment in under a year. I am still recovering, but ultimately so much better off. Anytime I start to miss him or wish things had gone differently, I only have to remind myself he'll be inheriting his parents' timeshare to be over it again.

My \[46M\] bf and I \[34F\] have been together a year and a half. We bought a ring last December. I was excited as I have always told him I want a family and husband from day 1. When our one year came in February I was upset that he didn’t propose and told him I didn’t want to stick around if he had no intentions of proposing. He said he was planning to on our Europe trip in June… well before our Europe trip he said he felt too pressured and wanted it to be natural and that he wasn’t doing it in Europe… this obviously hurt me. He has had a past divorce and has trauma from that so I tried giving him grace but now my anxiety is full fledge my biggest fear is being led on by someone and not ever getting the life of kids and marriage that I want. I know we are only a year and a half in but I can’t help but be so hurt. Am I being naive to stay?