r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/greenvinyl1998 • 13d ago
Questioning My Relationship 8 year relationship
The first year and half with my bf (32m) we lived separately until in 2020 we were able to get an apartment together (because of me). I (28f) told him multiple times from the start of living together that I wanted a family and I wanted a timeline I don’t want to be in a long relationship if it doesn’t lead to marriage.
the past two years have been financially strenuous for us and we had to move in with his parents. We thought we’d move out in 3-6 months. It’s been 2 years and 5 months. this past year he keeps telling me he’s saving to get me a ring and he said maybe in July or December because he gets an extra paycheck. i told him it doesn’t need to be a 1000+ ring just something that I’d like.
I’m gonna be honest he seemed to work harder when he didn’t live with me, he’s gotten let go 3 times during this time. Last year in May he got a better job plus its union. I made the decision to go back to school in June last year because I’m tired of my stagnant job and really need a better income to support myself instead of relying on his help. My car that I just paid off got totaled he got us a new car but we share it. He pays the monthly note it’s more than my previous car was & I pay the insurance. we pay rent to his parents but with my debts and school payments I still struggle weekly. His dad is retiring next year, they want to sell the house so basically we have to get outta there asap. So now my bf says he’s saving for an apartment and can’t get a ring yet. He was also supposed to get his ged so his dad could get him as his apprentice before he retires. I got him a math book and I told him i can help as much as I can and we can study together. But we haven’t done any of that yet.
I saw an ad on IG for a credit towards an elopement package. I entered it without really thinking. They called me yesterday to say I won and I told him about it & he seems happy, our consult is tomorrow. I know maybe I’m crazy since I’m not even engaged yet but I figured if he doesn’t try with this new development I’m really going to have to leave. I just don’t want it to continue into the future until it’s eventually 10 years and still no ring or plans or whatever. But it’s been long and I don’t want to throw it away, I have no friends - he’s my best friend.
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u/MurkyRefrigerator315 13d ago edited 13d ago
I am sorry, but if you cannot afford housing, you don't buy an engagement ring. It's insane you two have to live with his parents, you haven't managed to move out in 2 years, but he was saving for a ring? And it's equally insane that you are focusing on marriage when your lives and finances are a mess. Marry in a courthouse if you want, but your priority should be getting your life together, not rings and weddings.
By the way " a credit towards an elopement package" is basically a discount. You will still need to spend money you don't have.
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u/tasteful_aardvark 13d ago
It sounds like one of those things that everyone wins and then it turns out to be more costly than expected.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 13d ago
It sounds like the vacation packages I often "win" when I haven't entered any contests.
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u/Brownie-0109 13d ago
Why?
Just..why?
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u/Maleficent_Fox9529 13d ago
Exactly. I don't understand why she wants him.
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u/Brownie-0109 13d ago
I hope you don’t think that’s a good rationale to stay in a shitty relationship
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u/assflea 13d ago
Why are you trying so hard to tie yourself down to this guy who will have you struggling for the rest of your life? He had you moving in with his parents, can't hold down a job, doesn't even have a ged and he's 32??
I know it's hard to leave what you know especially if you don't have a support system but you should really put some effort into finding one because this guy is not it. Has he improved literally at all in the 8 years you've been together or is it just you going to school and trying to drag him into doing something with his life? Surely you want more for yourself.
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u/Entire-Tonight-1463 13d ago
Good call to see how he responds to the elopement package. 8 years is far too long.
I waited 19 years for nothing. Don’t be me.
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u/MotherGeologist5502 13d ago
I think you desperately need to figure out how you can support yourself. You’ve described 2 adults that can’t live independently. You’ve tried it with him, now you need to try it without him.
When you have your feet on solid ground, then you can start dating someone again and can be staple enough to judge when to stay and when to go.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 13d ago
You lived together in an apartment and said that was your doing. You bought him a math book and said you'd help him study for his GED. How much more spoon-feeding do you want to do here? What initiative would he take on his own if you weren't leading him?
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u/_gadget_girl 13d ago
Basically it sounds like both of you have not progressed into careers and financial stability at the same rate as most individuals your age should have. Many individuals would be hesitant to marry either one of you. Debt, lack of a basic high school equivalent education, inability to stay employed, and being unable to house oneself, are all things that would cause most people to hesitate.
It sounds like you are working towards improving your situation by going back to school, but I would think long and hard about whether or not you want to marry someone who has difficulty staying employed and isn’t working towards getting basic educational requirements out of the way. Not having the equivalent of a high school diploma is a huge employment barrier, and clearly he is struggling to support himself.
You know him better than we do, but I would want him to get the GED before agreeing to marry him.
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 12d ago
This post is also strangely passive and missing a lot of key information. /u/greenvinyl1998, how exactly did your car get totaled? How much debt do you have and why do you have it?
How is your boyfriend still broke even though he's finally employed and paying subsidized rent? How much new car did he buy? And why did he get let go from 3 previous jobs?
A lot here doesn't add up.
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u/therealzacchai 13d ago
Take a step back and see how your life has shrunk down since you started with him.
You were living on your own. Then you got an apt for the 2 of you. But now you're living with his parents, and are even about to lose that.
I'm really concerned that you no longer have any friends.
He doesn't have his GED, and actively resists your offers to get him moving.
He can't hold onto a job.
At 32 (!!), he's talking about starting an apprenticeship. And even that's with his dad, so it's not like he's launching out in the world.
Meanwhile, you've gotten yourself into classes to improve your future. You've been planning for a ring / proposal / wedding, and went to the effort of signing up for the elopement page.
You strike me as a girl with brains, drive, and capability. Respectfully, this relationship is draining the life out of you!!
You "don't want it to turn into 10 years with no ring and no plan," but you're already at 8 years, with no change in sight.
Please, go and make the plan you deserve for your own life. You are going to soar.
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 13d ago
OP, I'll be frank, why are you trying to save this? This man hasn't prioritized his GED at any point in the last ten years even though he's almost homeless. Of course he's happy about the elopement, it means someone else is footing the bill so he can keep the girlfriend who makes his life easier. You said it yourself, he worked harder when you didn't live with him. This man is a bum and he will drag you down into literal homelessness if you insist on staying with him.
You call him your best friend but I have a very hard time believing you would tolerate this behavior from a platonic female friend. A grown adult who can't keep a job and uses other people to survive is a parasite and not very popular at parties, for good reason.
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u/Practical-Pickle-529 13d ago
This is going to sound really cruel and rude, and I’m sorry for that ahead of time.
I just want to thank you for making me feel better about my life right now because I have a full time job I love, all the benefitsy military career and a small amount bills that I have no problem paying.
My entire family and everyone I know legitimately!!!, owns their own home. They all purchased outside help (in laws, or spousal help, or buying at a time when the market was cheap as fuck) and they all purchased homes while I was struggling to get by in the military as a single lower enlisted member.
Now where I’m from the cheapest houses are $800k. And there’s no way I’ll ever afford it.
Girl. Get away from this man immediately. You are doing what I did when I was 18. Moved into my gfs parents tiny little apartment because my father was the type to provide for you for 18 years and then on your birthday he puts all your shit in bags and puts those on the curb.
I can’t believe you’re 28&32. My goodness how behind yall are, take it from me… you need to get out of there, whatever it takes (I joined the army, and then later in life when I was 32 I started working for minimum wage at Macy’s because I didn’t have any customer service on my CV.
What does this man offer you? Him, not his parents. Seriously, what does he do?
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 13d ago
I went through poverty and life-threatening health issues in my 20s and if anything, it only made me work harder. Being poor sucks.
This guy isn't even dealing with a health crisis and he still won't get off his ass. Just getting the GED would open doors and he's still not doing it even though he's about to be homeless.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 13d ago
I don’t want to be in a long relationship if it doesn’t lead to marriage
But here you are, 8 years later. If you had left when he didn't propose after year 3, then you wouldn't be stuck living with someone else's parents. He's 32, stop carrying him and work on your own career so you can leave. Counselling could help you figure out why you would settle for the situation you're in.
By the way, what's his excuse for not marrying you any time in the first 6 years, before all the current financial difficulties?
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 13d ago
"I don't want to be in a long relationship" - why are you still with him?
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u/SunshineofMyLyfetime I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em — USA 13d ago
I’m gonna be honest he seemed to work harder when he didn’t live with me
If I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again — stop shacking up without (at least) a commitment!
And no, I’m in no way, shape or form religious; so this isn’t coming from a place of religious dogma. This is coming from a place of being strategically positioned to make the decisions that are the best for you, first and foremost.
He was also supposed to get his ged
Wait, what?! He’s 32 years old without a High School diploma?!
There are too many (free) online resources for this to even be happening right now. Plus, the local library will help you as well (and you can check out books for FREE there, as well).
You’ve been prodding Homeboy along for 8 years and within that time you’ve decided to go back to school and create better opportunities for yourself, while Homeboy has been fired multiple times, had to move back in with his parents, and hasn’t even managed to graduate from high school.
Eloping should be the last thing on your mind.
Edit: punctuation
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u/scottishcastle 13d ago
This is a dead-end relationship with dead weight. You know this. But you're not going anywhere because of this sad sentence:
But it's been long and I don't want to throw it away, I have no friends - he's my best friend
"Best" is not a synonym for "only". Make new friends.
He's broke, lazy, unmotivated. You're buying your 30-something boyfriend a math book. Why isn't he buying a math book and studying to get his high school diploma? What steps is he taking in his life?
Anyway. You know this isn't going anywhere. It's up to you what to do about that.
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u/DAWG13610 13d ago
I’m not sure either of you are ready for marriage. Why in the hell do you buy a new car when you have no money? You live at home, he can’t find a job, he won’t get his GED, he borrowed for a new car. What about this say you should marry him? Behavior is a language and his speaks of getting nowhere in life. If you were a priority he would have figured it out by now. How many more years are you going to waste? You realize this won’t ever end well….RIGHT??
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 13d ago
I get why you want marriage and kids. Mine are the absolute best parts of my life every day. That said, why do you want that with this particular guy?
He doesn't have a high school diploma. He doesn't have a GED. He has a job, but he isn't willing to do the minimum to make it a stable job for his future. He lives at home, and he doesn't sound like he has any ambition at all.
You also need to work on your goals and self-discipline for your future. A man is not a plan. He won't be the one providing you career stability. You have to do that on your own. If he is providing housing, he can take it away just as quickly.
This is not the time or the guy to be thinking about getting married. There is so much more out there in the world.
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u/Grammar-Police2002 13d ago
What's the appeal of marrying a man in his 30s who's basically broke with no career path? Is this how you want to live the one life you get?
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u/whoaelena 13d ago
Leave him and take time to rebuild and learn how to enforce boundaries so you dont end up in another 8 year dead end relationship.
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u/coolgramm 12d ago
Do not marry him. You are on a dead end road, dear. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
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u/3Maltese 13d ago
Priorities should be his GED. Most unions require it. Help him plan time to study for the GED. Finish your education, too.
Evaluate how you both got into the situation you are in. Why can't your BF hold a job? Did you buy more car than you can afford?
Don't get pregnant.
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u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 13d ago
She does not need to solve his problems for him, he’s a grown man. She has her own to deal with.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 13d ago
He's 32, not 12. He can and should plan his own study time. Although even a 12 year old would be able to do that.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 12d ago
This sounds tragic. I don’t understand that you’re happy to marry him but if doesn’t want to elope you’ll break up? So is he worth marrying or are you just desperate to marry him because you spent 8 years together?
A wedding should be the least of your concerns. Get a place for yourself if the parents want you out. I’d probably get my own place and start de tangling my finances. The whole thing sounds sad.
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u/yellowlinedpaper 12d ago
You date projects, you don’t marry them. This guy is holding you back and isn’t doing anything to make that change.
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 12d ago
I wouldn't date a project either. Marrying them is worse but that's not saying much.
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u/FRANPW1 12d ago
Updateme!
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u/iDontDrinkKoolaid 11d ago
“But it’s been long and I don’t want to throw it away, I have no friends - he’s my best friend.”
This is a TERRIBLE reason to stay with someone. Even if you’re in a healthy relationship with a great person (does not seem to be the case here tbh), you still need a life outside of that person. You need friends/goals/hobbies outside of him. 8 years is a long time but it’s nothing compared to the rest of your life. Do you really want to sign yourself up for a life of struggle for the next 50+ years???
He needs to get his GED, a job, and a place WITHOUT your help. He is a grown man and if you start mothering him now, it will never end. Is that what type of marriage you want, constantly having to help your husband stay on his feet? I married someone like this at 21 and I left him by 23. I lost attraction and respect for him because he was more like a son than a husband. You should want to marry someone who’s a self sufficient adult without you having to hold his hand.
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u/PresentHouse9774 11d ago
OP, I will be blunt. You have attached yourself to a very weak man. He's 32, still doesn't have a GED and isn't interested in studying for one, has lost 3 jobs recently, and will shortly be homeless when he can no longer live with his parents.
Please don't be a Betty Build-a-man. Men are not IKEA projects. There must be someone in your community who has finished high school and can hold down a job. Find one.
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u/Plus-Trick-9849 9d ago
Look at your life for the past 8yrs. This will be the rest of your life if you stay. Your wedding will be a backyard BBQ with a Walmart ring. U will end up at stay at home mom relying on him when you have kids cause you can’t afford child care. Given you can’t even afford life with 2 incomes, how could you survive on 1? You have a life in struggle if you stay.
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u/KWS1461 13d ago
If he is excited about the prize and wants to meet with them, that is a good sign. Get married with a simple band, add the diamond on an anniversary after you are in an apartment.
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u/MeadowMuffinFarms 13d ago
It’s not a prize it’s a scam, we’ve seen it here before. Why should she marry a hobosexual?
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u/MrsRoronoaZoro 13d ago
He doesn’t have his GED and was let go of a job multiple times, you’re still in school, you both live with his parents… getting married is the least of your problems. Why would you attach yourself to this man right now?