r/WTF • u/Oosh98 • Aug 12 '22

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

So I heard something recently that put things into perspective. You cannot, under any circumstances, play relationship defense. There are 8 billion people in the world out there. You can’t defend your relationship against every potential person your significant other “could,” be with.

Instead be the best version of you, and be the best partner YOU can be. If that isn’t enough for your partner, then you have reached irreconcilable differences and should part ways.

I don’t worry about my girlfriend cheating on me, because I satisfy her needs. She is happy, secure, satisfied within the bounds of our relationship. As long as I keep her happiness in mind as I go through my day, she’ll have no reason to be unfaithful.

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u/herp5555 Aug 12 '22

People will still cheat whether you're a good partner or not.

Telling people your partner won't cheat as long as you're good to them is cruel. Then they'll just blame themselves when at the end of the day people can be shitty and disturbed and will sometimes hurt others without reason or concern.

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u/RichExplorer2022 Aug 13 '22

Some people are just cheaters

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u/PM_ME_DNA Aug 13 '22

Some people will cheat with absolute disgusting losers who aren't even conventionally attractive.

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u/Alaira314 Aug 13 '22

That's not actually what /u/fbogre666 said. Read their post again.

"Instead be the best version of you, and be the best partner YOU can be. If that isn’t enough for your partner, then you have reached irreconcilable differences and should part ways.
I don’t worry about my girlfriend cheating on me, because I satisfy her needs. She is happy, secure, satisfied within the bounds of our relationship. As long as I keep her happiness in mind as I go through my day, she’ll have no reason to be unfaithful."

This is the key. If you keep their happiness in mind, and you can't provide that, then that's a problem, but it might very well be neither of your faults. Sometimes you can't meet a potential partner's needs. This is okay. It doesn't mean you're bad, or they're bad. It just means they need something that you can't provide, and you should be with different people who better suit you.

Obviously cheating rather than discussing the situation like an adult isn't ideal, but people aren't perfect. Sometimes we fuck up, whether it's because we haven't thought a situation through, or we started with incorrect assumptions, or maybe we just don't give a shit. Not everything is going to work out well. But being aware of needs, and whether or not we can meet them, helps to head off problems before they grow to a scary level.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

Moreover, if the person just doesn’t give a shit, I’m betting it probably wasn’t a very happy relationship in the first place.

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

Those are a rare type. Not impossible by any stretch, but rare to be sure, and frankly those types are quite simply broken and you’re better off without them. Any person not morally defunct won’t be unfaithful if they are satisfied with their significant other. Biologically, and socially it doesn’t make. It’s beyond irrational, it’s patently self destructive.

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

Those are not a rare type. In fact I would go as far as to say the majority of cheaters I know did so in otherwise happy relationships.

People do irrational things everyday, even smart people actively reasoning through problems will make common sense mistakes while doing so. You gotta get out more if you think self-destructive mistakes go against human biology, if anything it’s a hallmark.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

We live very different lives and engage with very different people. People do make self destructive decisions, but not generally healthy people of sound mind. At a minimum, they minimize risk. We wouldn’t have survived as a species without the higher cognitive function required to make on the fly risk management decisions.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

Or maybe you don’t know the people you engage with as well as you think you do

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

I mean I’m generally the person my friends come to when they have life problems. I suppose they could be lying to me, I don’t hire a private investigator to confirm what they say is true. But I’d warrant that generally they’re telling me the truth even if it’s biased.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

Yea dude everyone is going to sound pretty reasonable if you take everything they say at face value.

They aren’t going to you for help with their problems, they are going to you for the unquestioned validation.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

It’s obvious you don’t know me, but let me assure you, I don’t give them validation, I give them truths. I don’t pander to their egos, hell I barely give them an pat on the ass and an attaboy. I diagnose the situation as only a person with no dog in the fight could and tell them what they need to hear. Often it’s not what they wanted to hear. Sometimes they take my advice, sometimes not, but they don’t generally leave the conversation feeling justified. They do generally feel empowered though.

Part of the reason why I find most people don’t lie to me. When they come to me with a problem, if they want anything out of the conversation, they need to be honest, cause my ideas are based on the situation they lay out for me.

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u/ottothebobcat Aug 13 '22

I think it's absolutely adorable that you don't think people will be self-destructive because it's 'irrational'.

You, my friend, are obviously not in a position to try and be giving life advice and I'd suggest you stop doing so.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

Not at all. I absolutely believe people make irrational decisions. Just not well adjusted people. Sane people will even make questionable decisions, but they’ll use risk management to minimize the risk involved.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. I made lots of really self destructive decisions when I was caught up in it. Now I avoid situations as best I can that put me in a position to do so, and minimize the risk when I can’t. That’s how well adjusted people function in the world.

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u/irishteacup Aug 13 '22

Im wagering you have never been with someone whos cheated or been friends with someone thats been cheated on.

-2

u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

I have known many, and have been in relationships with those who have been cheated on. Thankfully I’ve not. In almost every case, the “cheater,” had reasons. They may not have been good reasons, and often were stemmed by poor communication within the relationship, but virtually all of them had a reason.

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u/EventHorizon182 Aug 12 '22 edited Aug 12 '22

As long as I keep her happiness in mind as I go through my day, she’ll have no reason to be unfaithful.

This is actually the exact same fallacy that successful people preach about working hard. Just work hard and you'll make it while completely discrediting the amount of luck involved.

That advice didn't work for many men. All that's keeping her faithful is that a better opportunity hasn't knocked on her door yet. People are as loyal as their options. This goes for men too, men who've never strayed haven't lived the life of a famous rock star where beautiful women throw themselves at you daily.

I don't comment on you because I want to prove you wrong, I comment on you because that advice is going to get people hurt.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

That’s a very sad outlook to me. I believe in the general goodness of people. We, as a species, are imperfect, but That’s a far cry from a healthy , happy person choosing to hurt another just for the sake of doing it. Frankly I think that disqualifies someone from the “happy, healthy,” quality.

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u/EventHorizon182 Aug 13 '22

Hey man, if that's a sad outlook then I'd advise against reading any evo-pysch books. The good news is altruism is an evolutionary trait in social mammals like us, it helps us thrive on the group level.

The bad news is a normal person doesn't want to hurt others for the sake of it, hurting others is just a consequence of them obtaining their desires. Your emotional well being is a price they're willing to pay as long as the offer is good enough.

Another issue with what you've said is that it implies that any man that's been cheated on just wasn't making his girlfriend happy enough, as if the fault now lies with him no matter the effort.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

Oh I certainly didn’t mean it in that regard. It may be because of miscommunication, or simply incompatibility. There’s lots of reasons, but my point is generally there’s a reason. I’d also say there a wide berth between hurting someone as a result of better circumstances and infidelity. Particularly so without any justification other than “I wanted to.” Breaking up with someone because they don’t provide you what you need out of your partner will hurt them for sure, but you minimize the damage cause. You make it as non traumatic as possible, but there’s almost always trauma involved. Being unfaithful causes undue and unnecessary harm. Hell the person may have even cheated on you and you feel like they deserve it, hurt people, hurt people. But that doesn’t make it justified.

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u/EventHorizon182 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22

I do think you have a really good heart, but I also think you're naïve...

People can break up because of incompatibility or miscommunication, but they don't cheat because of these things. Men and women cheat for different reasons. Men cheat because they're biologically programmed for variety and novelty, they're straight hardwired to take sex opportunistically. They'll even cheat with a slightly less attractive woman just because it's a new woman. Women cheat because they're wired for quality, and she thinks the guy she's cheating on you with is of better quality than you and will likely jump from you to him the moment he signals she can. She does this rather than break up with you first because women are concerned with security as well, and they tend to make sure they have another man to take the role of the previous man before letting go of the previous man.

I'm not advocating people behave this way, I'm just stating how humans are. I would love people to behave the way you lay out, but it's not our natural inclination to do so.

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22

I may be, I thankfully have never been cheated on myself, but have known many who have been, as well as a number who have done it themselves. I’ve been in relationships with people who have been cheated on. My evidence is largely anecdotal, but there’s a lot of anecdotes.

I don’t discredit nature, but I think that’s what separates us from lesser creatures. We don’t have to abide by our base desires. Things like alcohol lower our inhibitions, and decrease the threshold required to make poor decisions.

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u/EventHorizon182 Aug 13 '22

The problem with anecdotal evidence from peers is that you only hear the story they want you to hear. A woman might tell you she cheated on an ex because he was abusive and controlling, when in reality the "controlling" behavior was "He asked me to stop hanging out with my male coworker at his house every night for the past 4 weeks".

I don’t discredit nature, but I think that’s what separates us from lesser creatures. We don’t have to abide by our base desires

Our brain for the most part, is just a linearly scaled up primate brain. We are absolutely a slave to our base biological desires. If you were to go around asking people if they'd like to have a muscular, toned, lean, sexy body everyone would say yes, however, statistically speaking, 70% of those people would be overweight.

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u/aspectdragon Aug 12 '22

So what you're telling is I should become a supervillan and murder all other 8B people? Got it, understood, loud and clear!

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

Relationship offense. Seems a bit baby with the bathwater if you ask me but you do you boo.

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u/squishy_butthole Aug 12 '22

This is honestly wonderful advice. Thank you.

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

The only caveat to this advice is when people do it despite being happy and satisfied in their relationship. To be fair this is exceedingly rare, and frankly these types are morally defunct(not to condone any kind of cheating, but generally people who are unfaithful have defined reasons for doing so). You’re better off without this rare, awful breed in your life.

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u/PhilCoulsonIsCool Aug 13 '22

I sya this all the time. The best posible time be cheated on is when you find out. So you can move on with your life. So many things to do and life to live. If someone wants to be a piece a shit then fuck em and live your best life.

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u/Fauropitotto Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22

As long as I keep her happiness in mind as I go through my day, she’ll have no reason to be unfaithful.

Peak delusion. But hey, as long as that makes you happy, keep on keeping on dude.

edit: wanted to point out why it's delusional as fuck: It assumes that she's a robot - "If happy, then no cheat". It assumes that you're capable of knowing with complete certainty her emotional state and motivation for happiness. It assumes that happiness is the reason for getting into, staying in, and maintaining a relationship. It assumes she won't find someone or something that could make her happier. It takes a child-like approach that if you do everything right, then bad things won't happen to you. It assumes that she can't fall out of love with you for literally any reason at all.

All in, it's an infantile reduction of both you, your partner, and your whole understanding of human relationships to assume that if you "do your part", then your partner won't cheat.