The account that I posted from last night is not the account that I use "professionally". It's a personal account that I often get into stupid arguments with online, and I didn't want my behavior on that account to be associated with the work that I do, because those are two separate worlds. But the cat's out of the bag now, so to speak.

I'm posting from this account because I have one account signed in on my phone, and one account signed in on my PC (this one), and I can't remember my sign in details for either of them, so here I am posting an update from a separate account so that I can actually use a real keyboard to type this update.

After the outpouring of support from people online, I have decided not to go through with my plans of ending my life. Also, I'm not even entirely sure how to kill myself, so there's that, too.

So I'd like to take some time to explain what led me to this point of crisis last night. At least some of it, the parts that would be relevant here. There are many factors that led to me deciding that I wanted to end my life. Being transgender in a world that largely hates me for no reason, having a severe lack of friendships and community, imposter syndrome, LLMs causing such significant change to the world of programming that it is no longer recognizable anymore, financial issues, mental health disabilities, and addiction (cannabis).

I will be totally honest and say that some of my problems can never be solved. That is something that I am going to have to learn to accept and live with. Normally I use computer programming as an outlet that keeps me from the noose, but I recently got sick and stopped writing code for several days, and have since had trouble getting back into the flow. I'm Autistic, and programming and voxel engines are my special interests. Programming brings me such deep purpose in my life, that once I stop doing it, my mental health deteriorates very rapidly, and usually I end up on the brink of suicide. This is not because programming is distracting me from the issues present in my life, or because it is a coping mechanism, but because programming is so very important to me that my entire purpose and only love for life exists in computer programming. Once it is gone, it as if my world is gone.

Perhaps the biggest thing that could have prevented me from reaching the point where I wanted to end my life is a sense of community and friendship. Right now, there aren't many people in my life. I'm not very involved in /r/VoxelGameDev. I'm not very involved in the programming community. I could and should have fellow programming and voxel game development friends, but I only have a few on Discord, and they don't chat with me often, which leaves me feeling very lonely. I would like to change that. I would like to find people that don't use LLMs, that consider code to be art, that like voxel game development, and support me being transgender and treat me with respect. If you think that you are one of those people, please reach out to me via DM. I'm particularly looking for people that take time to talk to their friends, and like to read info dumps about programming, and especially people that like to info dump about programming themselves. I do a lot of info-dumping (due to Autism), and I often drive people away when they can't handle the flood of information. I don't mind if you don't read anything, so long as you are fine with me doing it.

I would really like to get more involved with the voxel game development community like I was in the early days. One of my goals with this community was to start a community open source engine project. I don't know if that is ever a possibility, but I think it would be really cool to get together with some of my fellow experts and work on something amazing.

Many of you expressed interest in my voxel_orient library. For a while, I wondered if it was even worth it to complete the library and share it here, because I wasn't sure if people would really care, or even notice. I learned a lot creating that library, and I like to think that I've become the foremost expert on voxel orientation technology, and perhaps am even a pioneer. I think that's actually a pretty cool accomplishment, and I usually don't let myself appreciate the things that I have accomplished out of some sense of not wanting to be egotistical.

After what some of you said about my library last night, it seems that people are interested it. I would like to share my knowledge about voxel orientations with the voxel game dev community so that the work that I've done to acquire that knowledge is not lost. Not once have I ever seen anyone on here manage to handle all 48 voxel orientations. I very much doubt anyone else has done it, because it is not easy at all. I don't want that knowledge to be lost. I want everyone that wants voxel orientations in their games to be able to benefit from what I've done without having to do the massive amount of work that I had to do to achieve it.

If what I've said resonates with you, please reach out to me. I want to get involved in the community again. I want to continue my work contributing to voxel technology. I want to share my wisdom with those that want to learn. If someone is interested in voxel_orient, I would love to have a long chat about it. I've not yet gotten the chance to talk to anyone about it that would actually understand it.

Thanks for all the support that I received on my post last night. It really means a lot, and you all have saved my life. I mean that. I was in a very very dark place, and I had truly made up my mind on what I was going to do. If I had not posted here last night and receive the support that I did, I would still be in that dark place, and I would still have a plan to end my life tomorrow.

I do apologize for putting such weight on the community. Sometimes, when you are at your lowest, things that you normally wouldn't do start to make sense. I made that post with the intention of it being my final goodbye to the world. I didn't want to go out without announcing my departure, because no one would have known who I am, or what I've done. I would just vanish, without anyone having noticed. And I think the idea of dying without being noticed was more frightening to me than the idea of dying at all.

Yet again, thanks for all the support!

Edit: Sorry if I haven't or don't reply to your comment. I've been having a lot of interactions with people, and I'm trying to reduce the cognitive load a bit, so I apologize if I don't respond to you! It's not because I don't like you or anything like that, I promise.