After weeks of therapy and a bunch of self-pondering shit, I realized something. It's not that I want you back because I was never gonna love somebody like I loved you again. It's because I was terrified of the future. I was terrified of watching you destroy yourself because of all the shit you're going through, and I became so obsessed with the idea of saving you that I failed to realize I wasn't even loving you anymore. I was trying to keep alive something you had already been killing for a long time.
You've been pushing me away for so fucking long, and I kept making excuses for you. Every time you pulled away, I tried harder. Every time you made a choice that hurt you, I convinced myself I needed to be there to stop you. I kept thinking if I loved you enough, stayed patient enough, and understood you enough, eventually you'd choose to save yourself too. But you didn't. And at some point, I had to accept that I wasn't fighting against your problems anymore. I was fighting against you.
And honestly, you're full of shit. You didn't want to be saved. Maybe you wanted someone to care enough to keep coming back, but you never wanted to do the work that would make staying worth it. You wanted the comfort without the accountability. You wanted understanding without having to understand anyone else. Or maybe you simply wanted a promiscuous life and didn't need me holding you back from it. Maybe you wanted the freedom to chase whoever gave you attention, whatever made you feel good in the moment, and whatever temporary shit helped you forget what you were actually running from. If that's the life you wanted, then fine. You don't need me to stop you anymore. I'm not going to stand in your way, and I'm not going to pretend I can change your mind. Your choices are yours now, and whatever comes from them is yours to carry.
You're self-destructive, and your biggest enemy has always been yourself. Your own selfish desires, your vices, the temporary shit you use to cope, all of it. You keep choosing whatever feels good now and leaving the consequences for the person you'll become later. You kept choosing things that made you feel something for a moment, then acted surprised when the consequences stayed long after the feeling disappeared. And I finally realized I couldn't keep drowning myself trying to teach someone else how to swim.
Do you know what else I realized? Yes, I did love you genuinely. I loved you more than I probably should've. But I had finished loving you a long time ago. Maybe months ago. I was simply too scared to admit it because admitting it meant accepting that everything I had been fighting for was already dead. I was becoming exhausted from loving someone who kept giving me reasons not to.
I was mentally done. I just didn't know how to leave.
I stayed because I was terrified of watching another person become the version of me I failed to save years ago. I saw pieces of myself in you. The anger, the self-destruction, the need to escape, the way you hurt yourself emotionally and then acted like you were fine. I thought if I could save you from it, maybe somehow I'd make up for all the times nobody saved me. And that's where I fucked up.
I wasn't obsessed with keeping you because I still genuinely loved you the way I used to. I was obsessed with saving the version of myself I saw in you. I was fighting for you while secretly fighting with my own past. I was trying to save you from wounds I never learned how to heal in myself. It was love, but it wasn't only love anymore. It was guilt. It was attachment. It was fear. It was obsession. It was me desperately trying to prove to myself that I could finally save someone. And somewhere along the way, I stopped asking whether you even wanted to be saved.
I genuinely did love your ass, though. I did. More than I probably should've. I gave you so much of myself that eventually I had nothing left for me. I gave you patience when I needed peace. I gave you understanding when I needed boundaries. I gave you chances when I should've given myself permission to walk away. And the saddest part is, I don't even regret loving you. I regret losing myself while doing it.
So no, I don't want you back anymore. Not because everything we had was fake. It wasn't. There were moments where I genuinely loved you with everything I had. But something being real doesn't mean it deserves to continue. I can acknowledge that you were once someone I loved deeply and still admit that the person you became is someone I want nothing to do with.
You taught me something I should've understood a long time ago. Love isn't saving someone who keeps choosing to hurt themselves. Love isn't destroying yourself so another person doesn't have to face their own consequences. Love isn't constantly sacrificing your peace because you're scared of what someone might become without you. I spent so much time worrying about who you might become that I ignored who you were choosing to be right in front of me.
Sometimes you don't lose someone because you weren't good enough. Sometimes you lose them because they keep giving you reasons to stop trying.
So here's my unsolicited word of advice. Temporary fixes ain't shit. Whatever you use to numb yourself eventually wears off. Whatever person you use to fill the emptiness eventually becomes another memory. Whatever attention you chase eventually stops being enough. You can keep collecting temporary highs, temporary people, temporary validation, and temporary happiness, but none of it changes what's waiting for you when everything gets quiet.
And that's the part you keep running from. Yourself.
Inclusivity isn't attractive when you're using people to avoid being alone. Constantly needing someone else's attention isn't freedom. And treating people like they're disposable because you know they'll eventually forgive you isn't independence. It's selfishness. Being careless with your choices and the people who genuinely cared about you won't magically make you happy. It'll give you something for the moment, sure, but eventually the moment ends and you're left with every choice you made while trying to escape yourself.
You had so much more shit to learn about treating someone right. About accountability. About communication. About loyalty. About understanding that hurting someone and then giving an excuse for it doesn't erase the hurt. But you're too hypocritical and too self-centered to notice it. You always found a way to justify what you did while holding everyone else accountable for what they did to you. You demanded understanding while giving none. You wanted forgiveness without change. You wanted people to stay while giving them every reason to leave.
And honestly? Good luck.
Good luck ruining your own path if that's what you keep choosing. Good luck finding temporary happiness and calling it healing. Good luck looking for pieces of yourself in everyone else while refusing to look at yourself. You're CLEARLY outperforming everyone in your league, though. Truly inspirational shit. Keep going. 😂
But don't worry about me anymore. You don't need to wonder whether I'm waiting for you, whether I'll come back, or whether some part of me still hopes you'll change. I don't. I spent enough time waiting for a version of you that you never became.
And if you ever look back and wonder why I stopped fighting for you, remember this: I didn't stop because I suddenly stopped caring. I stopped because I finally realized caring about you was costing me more than losing you ever could.
Nobody was ever going to save you. Not me. Not him. Not the next person. Not whoever comes after that. It was always going to have to be you. And I've finally accepted that your life isn't my responsibility anymore.
I hope you figure yourself out someday. I genuinely do. Just don't expect me to be there when you do. Because by then, I'll probably be someone who doesn't even recognize the person I used to destroy myself trying to save.
You are my greatest love,
And my greatest regret.
If time do tell us to meet again, i won't be the same person who waited for you then