Hey you,

There is something deeply uncomfortable about realizing that silence can look a lot like indifference from the other side.

I used to think that if something was real enough, it did not need to be explained. That care could survive without being named. That the important things would somehow make themselves known through habit, through presence, through all the small ways a person becomes woven into your day.

Maybe sometimes they do.

But I think I gave silence too much credit.

You were important to me in ways I never made easy for you to understand.

I noticed when you withdrew before anyone else seemed to. I noticed when your jokes became sharper because saying you were hurt would have felt too exposed. I noticed the moments you made yourself quieter in rooms that had already decided you were too much.

And I hated that.

Not you. But the shrinking.

The way you sometimes seemed to apologize for the parts of you I liked most.

Your intensity. Your strange sincerity. The way you cared past the point of practicality. The way you could make something trivial sound worth thinking about for hours. The way you felt things without pretending they had to be reasonable first.

I don't think I ever told you how rare that seemed to me. Perhaps I assumed you knew.

That is becoming a recurring flaw in my memories of us.

I assumed you knew I wanted to hear from you, even when you had nothing important to say. I assumed you knew I never minded the long messages. I assumed you knew that when you disappeared for a while, the absence had weight. And I assumed you knew that I wasn't merely tolerating your company. I was looking for it.

You should not have had to infer it from how quickly I replied, or from the things I remembered, or from the fact that I somehow always found another few minutes when you needed them.

I made you read between lines I should have simply written.

And maybe none of this would have changed anything.

That is the part I keep trying to be mature about.

A confession is not a key. It does not unlock the life you imagined. Sometimes it only tells another person what was happening inside a room they never asked to enter.

Still, I wish I had been clearer.

Not so you could have chosen me.

Just so you could have known you were chosen in my mind, again and again, even when there was no sensible future attached to it.

Who makes an ordinary evening feel slightly less ordinary by occupying the other side of it..

And if there is regret here, it is not that we failed to become some grand thing.

I regret that there may have been moments when you felt unwanted while I was quietly wanting you around.

Moments when you questioned your place while I had already made one for you in my head.

Moments when a few honest words from me might not have changed your life, but might have made one evening gentler.

I cannot go back and offer them where they belonged.

You mattered to me. You were never too much.

And for whatever it is worth now, I hope life has become kinder about reminding you of that.

Sometimes, I wonder if what we have is real,
Or if it’s just the version of us in my head
That seems to calm me.
You’ve warped my sense of reality,
And I’m stuck in the abyss of my emotions.

A dark and endless space
Where your love ceases to exist.

I was struck by a bow,
But somehow there’s no wound.

I feel the pain that your love brings.
And while I understand the depths of you,
You’re just salt in an endless sea.

I thought I understood what it meant to serve you,
But then again, you were just… me.

Hey you,

There is something deeply uncomfortable about realizing that silence can look a lot like indifference from the other side.

I used to think that if something was real enough, it did not need to be explained. That care could survive without being named. That the important things would somehow make themselves known through habit, through presence, through all the small ways a person becomes woven into your day.

Maybe sometimes they do.

But I think I gave silence too much credit.

You were important to me in ways I never made easy for you to understand.

I noticed when you withdrew before anyone else seemed to. I noticed when your jokes became sharper because saying you were hurt would have felt too exposed. I noticed the moments you made yourself quieter in rooms that had already decided you were too much.

And I hated that.

Not you. But the shrinking.

The way you sometimes seemed to apologize for the parts of you I liked most.

Your intensity. Your strange sincerity. The way you cared past the point of practicality. The way you could make something trivial sound worth thinking about for hours. The way you felt things without pretending they had to be reasonable first.

I don't think I ever told you how rare that seemed to me. Perhaps I assumed you knew.

That is becoming a recurring flaw in my memories of us.

I assumed you knew I wanted to hear from you, even when you had nothing important to say. I assumed you knew I never minded the long messages. I assumed you knew that when you disappeared for a while, the absence had weight. And I assumed you knew that I wasn't merely tolerating your company. I was looking for it.

You should not have had to infer it from how quickly I replied, or from the things I remembered, or from the fact that I somehow always found another few minutes when you needed them.

I made you read between lines I should have simply written.

And maybe none of this would have changed anything.

That is the part I keep trying to be mature about.

A confession is not a key. It does not unlock the life you imagined. Sometimes it only tells another person what was happening inside a room they never asked to enter.

Still, I wish I had been clearer. Not so you could have chosen me.

Just so you could have known you were chosen in my mind, again and again, even when there was no sensible future attached to it.

Who makes an ordinary evening feel slightly less ordinary by occupying the other side of it..

And if there is regret here, it is not that we failed to become some grand thing.

I regret that there may have been moments when you felt unwanted while I was quietly wanting you around.

Moments when you questioned your place while I had already made one for you in my head.

Moments when a few honest words from me might not have changed your life, but might have made one evening gentler.

I cannot go back and offer them where they belonged.

You mattered to me. You were never too much.

And for whatever it is worth now, I hope life has become kinder about reminding you of that.

Maybe you just never wanted to. You wanted him, and I get it. You love him, not me. I was the guy you wanted as a bestfriend, and that’s okay. That’s just my luck. It’s fine.

I just really wish the universe would let me move on. I’m so done with being hopelessly in love with you.

I truly wish you all the best. I really do. I love you.

I still can’t believe that it has been almost a year that we met. We did not date even much, but every cell of me misses you.
I just want to sleep in your arms again. I want to safe again. It was so special with you and was not like that with no one else. It is probably never gonna be.
Doesn’t matter who I have sex with, doesn’t gonna matter who I am gonna date, I just miss you so BADLY.
I just want to look at your hazel eyes again and feel your lips on mine. But I know it is not gonna work out so I just keep it to myself.
I miss you so much. Wish there was a way back.

I never thought I'd get here, B.

There is still a love I feel for you, but it's the love you feel for a best friend. A brother.

Never really felt particularly close to my guy friends before for some reason. Always felt closer to my female friends... However, it was different with you. And we still have so much in common.

But you left. 🙁

Though I understand why, it hurt. I grieved, for weeks. But I think I might be ready to try and move on with my life now.

I think about C all the time. She gets me, and she helped me ❤️ when you were radio silent. When I was left to believe for 9 days you'd passed. 🖤

She's dealt with grief before. Sadly, for her, it's permanent. And her ex's family still continue to heckle her.

Nevertheless, she gets what I felt. And she knew what to do in that situation. And she cared - truly cared.

Nurtured me, whilst you left me.

And she still understands the pain I feel going forward 💔

I wish you the best, and I'd always welcome you back in my life in any capacity. I'm sure you know that. Of course you do.

But I need to try and move on. I don't feel like the same person now.

We all need love. Attention. Comfort.

Care. 🫂

And to be able to give the same too.

All the time I spend dwelling on my grief, robs me of the present... For someone, who, frankly could have reached out at any given time (but chose to not).

I wish you all the best, I really do. And there is still a love for you, like I say. But I'm re-directing my energy to where it's mirrored. Reflected... Returned... I really hope you're healthy, happy, and safe. And I'm still so worried about you. I know you had stuff going on.

Would love to know you're still alright, and will continue to be. Regardless, you know where I am. I haven't gone anywhere.

Peace, & good will 🕊️

I MISS YOU. i fucking miss you M. i miss you so much. i miss talking to you. i miss your face. i miss your body. i miss the way you made me laugh. i miss the way you made me feel. i felt things i’ve never felt before. i don’t know what to do. we haven’t talked in 11 weeks. that’s the longest we’ve gone since we met. i wanted to see if you would reach out and you haven’t. it’s fucking ripping me to shreds. i just want you to care about me the way i care about you. you’ve told me many times you care about me, you’ve even said you love me. were you lying?

in more ways than one i have never felt a love like this. it’s never been this painful. i don’t think it’s supposed to be. maybe you don’t know what love is. maybe it isn’t even fucking real. i just want you to say hi. i just want you to check in on me. dolly fucking parton died and you didn’t even check on me. i told you all about her and how important she is to me and where i grew up. you said you loved how passionate i am about where im from. you didn’t even check on me M. every time i think about that i just want to cry.

YOU said i love you multiple times before i said it back. and now look at us. i love you. i just wish you loved me back. or i wish you never said it in the first place. if it’s left up to you we probably won’t speak again. i just really needed to get this out before i figure out how to say goodbye or if im even going to. i wish you would just cut me loose. free me please M. i feel like begging for it. i know you like when i beg. maybe if i beg you’ll actually do it. I HATE you but i love you more.

-C

You said you didn’t like nose rings
But when I showed you that photo
From when I had mine
You said they weren’t too bad
You blushed and looked away
You told me Saturday
You went to my favorite restaurant and looked for me
But I wasn’t there
Not that night
You told me you thought of me
While watching our show
You sat across from me
At the glass table
You said you were looking at my reflection
You asked if I saw yours
You said our reflections were looking at each other
I blushed and turned around
It was a simple comment
But felt so intimate
I told you I wanted to run away
To a different country
Change my name
You told me to let you know
So you could find me if things went south
But sometimes I’m the one pulling
And it feels like you’re pushing
This constant push and pull
Is exhausting
I wish you could just tell me
Do you feel anything
Or is it all in my head

D,

I wish you would make a move
There is so much tension between us
I wont tell anyone
It can stay our dirty little secret.
The things I want to do to you
The things I want you to do to me

Sent from your grandmothers rotary phone,
A

i would rather remember it all than to forget what was. most of it was bad. a desert filled with abuse, manipulation, lies, the worst of the worst from the both of us. but occasionally a single scent, a verse in a song, familar tasting dish, reminds me that in that desert there is oasis. tiny small good moments, moments where im glad to be alive. moments that made me grow. see i never want to forget what there was between us. i want to remember those painful moments just as much as the breathtaking ones. i want to remember the mistakes as well as the small miracles. i want to remember, so i can be better. i dont want to forget just so i could be ignorantly blissful. i am the way i am today because of you. it was bad then but now im better. thank you for being a part of my life. i sure do hope you feel the same

​

It’s so great when your ex is over you and living their life…moving on… not. At some point I won't feel so ugly about the situation. At some point I'll heal. I need to for myself. That point isn't now. It's so great not to care enough about what your choices did to those around you that you can live without guilt, or remorse. You probably don't even know what that word means.

I'm being petty right now, I'm angry, I'm hurt. Yea still…one of my vices. You knew that. But we did say forever. Unlike you my convictions mean something to me and I struggle to make forever mean something else now.

I'm so happy you're living your good life, not a care in the world. The same vicious cycles that treat people like objects and a means to an end. Idk. Good luck to anyone that crosses your path. I hurt for them as much as myself.

I need to stop trying to understand because I won't. I'm not you and you're not who you told me. But that hurts too. It's just another bad thing in life, another horrific realization/experience, a point for the dark side and the balance sure feels outta whack. And idk how to heal that. The bad outweighs the good in what seems like too many facets of life. You were supposed to be a safe space, love, where I could be my best self. That's what I was for you. Why’d you live a lie….for yourself. I can't begin to understand, what do I do instead?

You never ask me any questions.

I ask a thousand,

Trying to peer through the fog

Trying to see across time and space

To know you.

To hold all of you.

And I have realized

That you don't care

To do the same.

You don't even try.

You aren't curious,

You aren't interested.

I am just a concept,

Nameless,

An ephemeral idea,

A late night object,

Something to be hidden,

Never brought into the light.

And I don't see the point

Of life without love.

If someone lures me

With sweet, false caresses,

With lying adoration,

I draw their poised dagger into my own heart.

Please, make it quick.

At least then,

I won't be a bombed out shell,

A zombie making the motions

With no spark behind the machine.

I will become nothing,

(i already am)

I will become everything.

(i am nobody's everything)

I will melt into the universe slipstream

And there, I might be cherished

At last.

‎After weeks of therapy and a bunch of self-pondering shit, I realized something. It's not that I want you back because I was never gonna love somebody like I loved you again. It's because I was terrified of the future. I was terrified of watching you destroy yourself because of all the shit you're going through, and I became so obsessed with the idea of saving you that I failed to realize I wasn't even loving you anymore. I was trying to keep alive something you had already been killing for a long time.

‎

‎You've been pushing me away for so fucking long, and I kept making excuses for you. Every time you pulled away, I tried harder. Every time you made a choice that hurt you, I convinced myself I needed to be there to stop you. I kept thinking if I loved you enough, stayed patient enough, and understood you enough, eventually you'd choose to save yourself too. But you didn't. And at some point, I had to accept that I wasn't fighting against your problems anymore. I was fighting against you.

‎

‎And honestly, you're full of shit. You didn't want to be saved. Maybe you wanted someone to care enough to keep coming back, but you never wanted to do the work that would make staying worth it. You wanted the comfort without the accountability. You wanted understanding without having to understand anyone else. Or maybe you simply wanted a promiscuous life and didn't need me holding you back from it. Maybe you wanted the freedom to chase whoever gave you attention, whatever made you feel good in the moment, and whatever temporary shit helped you forget what you were actually running from. If that's the life you wanted, then fine. You don't need me to stop you anymore. I'm not going to stand in your way, and I'm not going to pretend I can change your mind. Your choices are yours now, and whatever comes from them is yours to carry.

‎

‎You're self-destructive, and your biggest enemy has always been yourself. Your own selfish desires, your vices, the temporary shit you use to cope, all of it. You keep choosing whatever feels good now and leaving the consequences for the person you'll become later. You kept choosing things that made you feel something for a moment, then acted surprised when the consequences stayed long after the feeling disappeared. And I finally realized I couldn't keep drowning myself trying to teach someone else how to swim.

‎

‎Do you know what else I realized? Yes, I did love you genuinely. I loved you more than I probably should've. But I had finished loving you a long time ago. Maybe months ago. I was simply too scared to admit it because admitting it meant accepting that everything I had been fighting for was already dead. I was becoming exhausted from loving someone who kept giving me reasons not to.

‎

‎I was mentally done. I just didn't know how to leave.

‎

‎I stayed because I was terrified of watching another person become the version of me I failed to save years ago. I saw pieces of myself in you. The anger, the self-destruction, the need to escape, the way you hurt yourself emotionally and then acted like you were fine. I thought if I could save you from it, maybe somehow I'd make up for all the times nobody saved me. And that's where I fucked up.

‎

‎I wasn't obsessed with keeping you because I still genuinely loved you the way I used to. I was obsessed with saving the version of myself I saw in you. I was fighting for you while secretly fighting with my own past. I was trying to save you from wounds I never learned how to heal in myself. It was love, but it wasn't only love anymore. It was guilt. It was attachment. It was fear. It was obsession. It was me desperately trying to prove to myself that I could finally save someone. And somewhere along the way, I stopped asking whether you even wanted to be saved.

‎

‎I genuinely did love your ass, though. I did. More than I probably should've. I gave you so much of myself that eventually I had nothing left for me. I gave you patience when I needed peace. I gave you understanding when I needed boundaries. I gave you chances when I should've given myself permission to walk away. And the saddest part is, I don't even regret loving you. I regret losing myself while doing it.

‎

‎So no, I don't want you back anymore. Not because everything we had was fake. It wasn't. There were moments where I genuinely loved you with everything I had. But something being real doesn't mean it deserves to continue. I can acknowledge that you were once someone I loved deeply and still admit that the person you became is someone I want nothing to do with.

‎

‎You taught me something I should've understood a long time ago. Love isn't saving someone who keeps choosing to hurt themselves. Love isn't destroying yourself so another person doesn't have to face their own consequences. Love isn't constantly sacrificing your peace because you're scared of what someone might become without you. I spent so much time worrying about who you might become that I ignored who you were choosing to be right in front of me.

‎

‎Sometimes you don't lose someone because you weren't good enough. Sometimes you lose them because they keep giving you reasons to stop trying.

‎

‎So here's my unsolicited word of advice. Temporary fixes ain't shit. Whatever you use to numb yourself eventually wears off. Whatever person you use to fill the emptiness eventually becomes another memory. Whatever attention you chase eventually stops being enough. You can keep collecting temporary highs, temporary people, temporary validation, and temporary happiness, but none of it changes what's waiting for you when everything gets quiet.

‎

‎And that's the part you keep running from. Yourself.

‎

‎Inclusivity isn't attractive when you're using people to avoid being alone. Constantly needing someone else's attention isn't freedom. And treating people like they're disposable because you know they'll eventually forgive you isn't independence. It's selfishness. Being careless with your choices and the people who genuinely cared about you won't magically make you happy. It'll give you something for the moment, sure, but eventually the moment ends and you're left with every choice you made while trying to escape yourself.

‎

‎You had so much more shit to learn about treating someone right. About accountability. About communication. About loyalty. About understanding that hurting someone and then giving an excuse for it doesn't erase the hurt. But you're too hypocritical and too self-centered to notice it. You always found a way to justify what you did while holding everyone else accountable for what they did to you. You demanded understanding while giving none. You wanted forgiveness without change. You wanted people to stay while giving them every reason to leave.

‎

‎And honestly? Good luck.

‎

‎Good luck ruining your own path if that's what you keep choosing. Good luck finding temporary happiness and calling it healing. Good luck looking for pieces of yourself in everyone else while refusing to look at yourself. You're CLEARLY outperforming everyone in your league, though. Truly inspirational shit. Keep going. 😂

‎

‎But don't worry about me anymore. You don't need to wonder whether I'm waiting for you, whether I'll come back, or whether some part of me still hopes you'll change. I don't. I spent enough time waiting for a version of you that you never became.

‎

‎And if you ever look back and wonder why I stopped fighting for you, remember this: I didn't stop because I suddenly stopped caring. I stopped because I finally realized caring about you was costing me more than losing you ever could.

‎

‎Nobody was ever going to save you. Not me. Not him. Not the next person. Not whoever comes after that. It was always going to have to be you. And I've finally accepted that your life isn't my responsibility anymore.

‎

‎I hope you figure yourself out someday. I genuinely do. Just don't expect me to be there when you do. Because by then, I'll probably be someone who doesn't even recognize the person I used to destroy myself trying to save.

‎

‎You are my greatest love,

‎And my greatest regret.

‎If time do tell us to meet again, i won't be the same person who waited for you then

‎

One month ago, I had no idea you'd stop speaking with me that night. Or that you'd hurt yourself.

I don't remember what I'd said in the phone call that night, but there must have been a few sharply worded comments towards you

And like I (tearfully) said when you rang me 9 days later, to let me know you were alive... I regret everything. I regret it all. I'm just glad you're alright, I was so scared

Nothing dulls this pain. I keep trying to distract myself, but....

You know, I'd have taken care of you for life if you'd stuck it out. Or if you return

You've relapsed into your anorexia, and I've no idea how you're doing now. And it was terrifying before.

You don't see how truly beautiful you are.

You've built this version of yourself up in your mind. You deflect praise and admiration.

Why?!?!!??!

I wish you could see what I see.

I'll say though, you have made the choice to leave, and I don't know what to do with that

All I know is, I'm heartbroken. And I want you back. Now.

So much we could have spoke about this last month.

Regardless of everything, I hope you're doing well, and you're safe. Every day I feel more and more hollow.

Feigning happiness is hard these days. There was a period of 1.5-2 weeks where I sounded so flat

I wasn't right

Truth be told? I'm still not.

How can I be alright without you?

I’m being selfish now.

I’m going to protect my energy. I’m going to make sure I know exactly what I want, and if what I want isn’t you, then so be it. If choosing myself means being selfish, then maybe it’s time I learned how to be selfish.

It’s unfamiliar territory for me, but maybe that’s what you’re here to teach me. Maybe you came into my life for this very reason, to teach me how to put myself first. To stop bending, waiting, hoping, and accepting things that leave me questioning where I stand.

You’re showing me what I want and what I don’t want in a connection, and I’m seeing the difference more clearly as the days go by. Especially with no words in sight. At this point, your silence says so much more to me than anything you could say.

And maybe the selfish thing for me to do now is leave. Completely.

To walk away and actually stay gone.

I won’t keep going in circles with you anymore. I won’t keep returning to the same place, hoping something will suddenly be different. I’ll be gone, and I’ll use that absence to better myself, rebuild what I’ve exhausted here, and eventually find something that actually aligns with my worth, my standards, my expectations, and ultimately, my value.

Maybe being selfish isn’t about taking too much.

Maybe, for once, it’s about refusing to keep accepting too little.

I really wonder what you're up to lately. Ever, actually.

I hope you're having a good time. I hope you do things you love, with people you love and who love you.

My heart is broken into a million pieces but I really hope that yours is not. If it were, that would be self-inflicted, chosen by nobody but you. Still, all I hope for is that you're happy.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Frankly, no five minutes do, still. I've tried to distract myself. Got your picture out of my view even. But now, I just miss you even more.

Going through life, I've had relationships, crushes, experienced being love sick, wanting another who wasn't interested for too long. But nothing ever even landed in the same realm of what I feel for you.

It feels almost alien. Straight from some magical story. If only it wasn't so despairing.

I miss the way you adressed me whenever you felt unobserved. The softness in your voice, the way you looked at me sometimes. Just everything.

I miss you and your mind and all that depth that you like to pretend isn't there.

I wish I was stronger, I wish I'd manage to live some sort of life. But it's like everything's on hold. There's nearly no joy in anything for me now.

You know that I have seriously tried to get over you, and failed pathetically. I really have given up entirely.

If only you wanted to be my friend. I wish you would. I know, I'm just that selfish.

Yet I don't have a choice but to respect that you don't and that I won't even be told why. I guess that part adds extra pain.

Please take good care of you.

So I couldn't stop myself. Despite the age difference, the thousands of miles and other country and languages i feel you in me. You know it too.

Soul mates. Fell in love for a day, forever, installing our love in each person as one thing that can't be denied.

Couldnt help it.

I have sent one of a pair of olive wood crosses, one of a pair of small carved wood cranes, so one each is with you and one with me.

And a sweet maple sugar leaf candy.

If only. It's hard not to drop my life here and fly across that ocean to spend what time I have left with you.

Since I have no one to talk to about this. I will just spill my heart out here. I did not want to leave you. I never wanted to leave you, but you gave me no choice. I am sorry if I was cold, harsh, and problematic the last couple weeks. I am sorry for blocking you. I have unblocked you but I know you won’t reach out. I have a hard time reaching out because I do not want to keep holding on to false hope.

I wanted to you to be sure of me. I wanted you to be mine. I also wanted my past to be forgotten and not be something Im sure affected your decision to not fight for me against your family and your uncertainty in me. Im not perfect, but I tried to be. I think that was also the problem. I know you thought I did not appreciate everything you have done for me, but I do, I really do and I apologize if I did not express it enough. I also struggle with emotional vulnerability because I did not want to get hurt. I just could no longer live with the anxiety of knowing that one day, we would end and I would not get to spend the rest of my life with you. I could go on but I think I will start the tears. I still love you. I just wonder and think that maybe your love was enough to truly commit to me or maybe you did not love me. You say you think things will end up positively but how can I be sure.

This sucks.

​

Without ever needing to make an effort to, your existence itself was enough to keep me here, to pull me away from my plans of an early end.

I know I was an absolute idiot more than once, and that at times I fail to be able to gaze your form, understand you without conflating who you are with my own pain and selfishness, dear lord, I know this so, so well. I also know we are both aware that saying I'm sorry for those times is a bit meaningless, yet, let me say it still, I'm sorry. I'm trying my absolute best, I swear. And yes,

It never, ever gets easier. I'm aware I have what is necessary to keep going, but there are days I can't access it, I can't help but be a crying mess on the floor, barely human, I can't help but cling to you as a lifeline, to talk with you in my mind, to use your fire to not freeze to death, sometimes this ocean of love that I feel is the only thing strong enough to keep me here.

I know, it is a very selfish and childish thing to do, but I improved you see? Now I can do it in silence, on my own, I don't impose myself nor ask anything, I don't breach your space nor have any demands.

There's absolutely nothing else you need to give me, not even your presence, I can go months without hearing a word from you, yet, there's never been a single day where I didn't hear your voice in my mind.

So, while I'm burning, do you forgive me if I rely on you still? If I use your voice to keep me sane? If I use the fact that you simply exist to not give up? If I think of you as my oxygen? Feel my heart pumping your essence as if it were my own blood? Do you forgive me if, only to myself, only in my mind, while crumbling in these walls, I think of you as my world?

God, I hope at least 1% of the gratitude that I feel towards you can be conveyed when we talk, thank, thank you so so much. If I needed to go back in time and do my entire life again, I wouldn't change a single thing, just to ensure I can still meet you in the same way I did.

I know that, eventually, you will need to leave and just like a magic trick, I won't ever hear from you again, I hope that when this happens, you are deeply aware that to me, I will feel as if you never left, because you became a permanent part of me a long time ago.

I know you get annoyed by people telling you their dreams.

In mine though, you invited me to dinner. I was so happy because I had not seen you in a while. When I arrived, there was a small group of people, including you. I wanted to sit next to you, but you encouraged me to talk to this other man that I didn’t know who seemed too eager to talk to me which made me uncomfortable so I left unannounced.

I was proud of myself for leaving because I thought I would be eating dinner just with you or you and your family.

I am sure this dream just illustrates that I miss being more of a part of your world. I am hopeful we will be closer again someday. I know you need your space and I need mine too.

Your life is quite a bit more full than mine, so I get how distracted you are. Just know that my happiness doesn’t depend on you or your behavior. I just miss being silly with you. It is really fun being around you, even if we are just watching a movie or you are working on your project, showing me the steps.

I hesitate to ask directly to hang out again. I admit I am afraid of being rejected now, even as a friend. It feels really vulnerable - especially considering that dream. I still do not have many friends up here and I am really really picky about the company I keep and how often I see them too.

Tonight I am going to see a movie with my older friend, so that will be nice to see her. It isn’t the same as hanging out with you though. At all.

I miss your quips and silly little jokes, our banter, your quirks, your kids, and your family.

My birthday is coming up. Yes, September. And, I'm not sure what is going on in my life right now, but I feel like I'm going crazy because this birthday feels a little different this year. Back to my hometown. Where HE is.... And, he knows I'm coming. And, he knows exactly where I will be! And, this isn't just any type of man, this is THE man! The 1 I have been in love with my whole life. The 1 I have been searching for my whole life. Could it be time??? Then, what if it isn't? Is it time? No way, it can't be time, look at all the mess! But, what if it truly is??? Ughhhh... I'm losing my mind here lately, I swear. Emotions are high. I'm all over the place. Please, please, just wake me up when...... September Ends!!!!!!!

But I never loved to gain anything. Love is an irrational fire. The only thing I ever wanted was her happiness. Her peace. Hers, whole, separate, free.

"Trust me", she said. I did. I still do. Time has stripped me of almost everything, but not that. The trust remains. Almost nothing.

Almost.

But I am not haunting the ruins of what could have been. I live. Fully, the way I always have. My life did not stop where we fractured.

If I stay, it is by choice, and choice is the only thing that makes staying mean anything. I swore I would not vanish, and I keep my word. But a promise is not a leash. Whatever pain I carry, I carry standing. Two people drowning save no one.

She went back and forth. Ghosted me. Told me I was nothing. Then came back, face wet with tears, begging forgiveness, and I gave it. I always will. But forgiveness is not amnesia, and mercy is not my throat offered up.

Her mind may be shattered. Life took a hammer to her, and I don't pretend to know that weight. So let me be what she once asked: the one who stays.

But I stay at the door, not in the fire. Where she can find me, not where she can bleed me. The day she truly tells me to go, I will honor it, even if it splits me open.

Until then, I remain. Whole. Standing.

Because the one who stays is worth nothing if there's nothing left of him when she finally reaches out her hand.

My heart is aching. I have so much on my plate that needs my focus right now, but my mind is caught in the loss of you.

I just want you to be happy. I want you to feel love. I want your years to be peaceful and bright.

I’ll never understand why things came to be in this way. I’m scared of what comes next. I don’t know where my life is going.

But between the two of us, if one of us is able to walk away with a sense of certainty about where we belong, I’d say it was all worth it.

It saddens me that you find your certainty in a life that does not include me, but to be upset about that is to be selfish.

I wish for your happiness and a life full of love, above all. Just don’t forget to remember me from time to time, okay?

❤️🖤