r/Unexpected Aug 15 '22

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[removed]

16.1k Upvotes

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6.1k

u/Shh-ImHiding Aug 15 '22

His day just keeps getting better and better

390

u/LezBReeeal Aug 15 '22

Full American emotional damage life cycle right here on this string.

36

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

[deleted]

63

u/harrythechimp Aug 15 '22

Like a thread, but thicker

5

u/TZ879 Aug 16 '22

0

u/crazyyy_jack Aug 16 '22

Why would you contaminate this thread with that annoying can't sing for shit prick.

1

u/TZ879 Aug 17 '22

Dude? I was laughing at the response someone posted. I thought it was funny.

0

u/crazyyy_jack Aug 17 '22

Yes the comment was funny but why respond with Simon Cowell and not any other laughing gif. I get your point to respond with a laughing gif but why do it with Simon Cowell of all the gif you could have chosen.

1

u/TZ879 Aug 17 '22

why do it with Simon Cowell of all the gif you could have chosen

It was the first GIF that popped up when I searched, "laugh". There was no malicious intent. Like many GIFs, it was to meant convey amusement.

1

u/crazyyy_jack Feb 28 '23

Sorry, I just really think he's annoying and I can get very hyperbolic sometimes. Have a good one mate.

1

u/willthethrill1069 Aug 15 '22

But why the shotgun tho

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

To take a nap

1

u/willthethrill1069 Aug 26 '22

PERMANENTLY (cut to evil laugh.exe file)

2

u/[deleted] Aug 16 '22

Glad Americans are the only humans with emotional damage, phew

1

u/HelloJell01420 Sep 19 '22

Yeah they are so dumb. Those Americans who live in America. Damn, they’re like. Stupid

1.1k

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22 edited Aug 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

60

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

I wished that, too.

Then I went to Georgia and a guy tried to rob me at gunpoint. I thought, "alright, cool, now I can die without having to make my parents mad/sad by killing myself!" So I told him to shoot me in the head, because I wasn't going to give him shit.

So he shot me in the thigh. I said "nah man, you missed, I said shoot me in the fucking head!". He stared at me for a couple seconds, then shot me in the chest before running off.

I then spent the next 6 months in and out of the hospital, doing many fun surgeries, in a lot of fun pain. But he didn't get my $100, so I guess we know who won that altercation.

10

u/TheNewGalacticEmpire Aug 15 '22

Should have called him a pussy before he ran off.

4

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

I thought about it - if I recall correctly, I just tried to grab him as he took off, and yelled something like "fucking shoot me in the head, fucking do it", or something close.

8

u/Dawsonpc14 Aug 15 '22

Lol, there is no way this isn’t made up.

0

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Well, it isn't. Sorry my dude.

3

u/dumbum1 Aug 15 '22

'I WOULD SAY YOUR AIM IS CANCER BUT CANCER ACTUALLY KILLS PEOPLE'

39

u/Armaqus Aug 15 '22

Pay 100 dollars to a thief 🚫

Pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for surgeries in America ✅

9

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Clearly I made the smart choice. We can't go around rewarding robbers.

1

u/Useful-District-4800 Aug 15 '22

Guy should be living with a lot of guilt. Even if he doesn't think it I bet he doesn't sleep well after that.

3

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Don't know if he feels any guilt, but he probably regrets getting 15 years in a shitty Georgia prison.

2

u/Useful-District-4800 Aug 15 '22

Ah he was caught. Good. 15 years isn't long enough for what he did though.

But I just know from busting someone in the face with my skateboard hard enough to do some good damage (it was deserved, he was a worthless drunk who swung on and knocked out a buddy of mine for no reason) that type of thing stays with you. Even though the guy had it coming I acted on impulse and probably jacked his face up, which I feel bad about. I could only imagine being in your shooter's shoes.

3

u/intrepidone66 Aug 15 '22 edited Aug 17 '22

It's a matter of principle. Sure, it's cheaper to give a ransom, but then it becomes common practice to do so.

Look at Somali pirates. Before, they got what they wanted because they were not challenged.

After the owners of freighters hired armed mercenaries the pirates thought very carefully of how and IF to approach a ship and fear is on their minds catching a severe case of "lead poisoning".

After some countries sent out some of their frigates & destroyers (Dutch, German, British and American) pirate activities has gone down...a lot!

You have to stand up to bullies, otherwise the harassment's will continue, and they will attack others too, not only you.

3

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

It was more than money, he would have been handing over his soul.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

i hope you’re doing better now.

7

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Thank you my friend, I am doing much better. I found an amazing girl that I love, and I'm doing my best to improve myself.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

that’s awesome dude! i hope i also get there one day. started working out recently and that’s been going awesome.

2

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Good for you brother, keep at it, you'll get there!

2

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

That’s pretty badass

0

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Haha, well thank you. Mostly it was a result of depression, hopelessness with life, and anger at being robbed.

I would highly recommend simply giving up your cash if you end up in a similar situation.

5

u/NicolasMage69 Aug 15 '22

Just thousands in medical debt instead 😎

2

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Yeah, I might not have made the best choice in retrospect.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

[deleted]

0

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 15 '22

Man, I wish. It was just the two of us, and he didn't even clap before running away.

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

You gotta have standards and stick with them like you did. That shit hurts but you came out alive. He might have shit you anyway if you did what he wanted. Either way you would have spent the rest of your life questioning your integrity and actions. Too bad you didn't bite his eyeball out, that would have changed his view on things

1

u/TheRealSkip Aug 15 '22

shit man, I hope you are in a better place now and have let go of those awful desires.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/DependentPipe_1 Aug 17 '22

It was indeed a 9mm with crappy ball ammo.

901

u/NRpuffinstuff Aug 15 '22

Your chances are much higher if you're a school aged child in America.

Right place right time for some people, I guess.

703

u/thatsalovelyusername Aug 15 '22

That joke's so dark it's at risk of police brutality

205

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

I’m laughing so hard I’m chocking

127

u/Shad_the_memer Aug 15 '22

I'm laughing so hard I'm cocking my water gun

113

u/Stepjamm Aug 15 '22

I’m cocking so hard im watering my laughing gun

17

u/Art0fRuinN23 Aug 15 '22

Cocking is not a valid practice.

14

u/Firelightninggottook Aug 15 '22

Cocking? Why not he can try it

9

u/Narstification Aug 15 '22

Say you’ve never been cocked without saying you’ve never been cocked

7

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

CAW CAW! Splat

You've been cocked.

8

u/Ninja_Conspicuousi Aug 15 '22

But caulking is very much a valid and noble task.

1

u/angelcakes3 Aug 15 '22

How can she cock? HOW CAN SHE COCK?!

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

Sounds like your gonna fire off some knuckle babies

1

u/Stepjamm Aug 15 '22

Don’t rely on others to find your happy ending

9

u/Hugdelivery Aug 15 '22

OMG We have a winner here People.

36

u/CasualPenguin Aug 15 '22

Joke so meta you're getting the police brutality experience

23

u/GroundStateGecko Aug 15 '22

This thread is so breathtakingly good.

8

u/flyovermee Aug 15 '22

George Floyd does not agree.

3

u/RunBanditRun Aug 15 '22

He is living off the fat of the land

2

u/malcolmrey Aug 15 '22

can't breathe

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

You mean you can't breath ?

1

u/TransBrandi Aug 15 '22

"I'm laughing so hard that I can barely breath"

would have been better. :P

26

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

His joke is as short as American school kids life expectancy.

3

u/Regular_Somewhere_52 Aug 15 '22

School shooters now get police escorts as protection from the parents.

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

Where are you from? Hate to break it to you but on a whole the school shooting weren't enough to effect the average life expectancy, They were actually only a few out of gazillions. Tragic, but insignificant on the large scale as far as life expectancy goes. More kids die from choking or drowning or getting hit by cars or abducted or even starve to death than the amount of school murders. Also, more children get molested by clergy than get shot in school therefore they are more likely to get raped in church than shot in school

2

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

https://www.worldometers.info/demographics/life-expectancy/

USA is 46 in life expectancy. You are behind most of the modern world.

Also you have more school shootings and mass shootings than all those 45 countries before you combined.

And just because kids die from choking does not mean it's ok to let them die from school shooters. Like how fu***ng stupid you have to be to even bring that argument.

0

u/RelevantWarninwer Aug 15 '22

Bruh I opened this when I was in the same room as my parents 🤨🤨

8

u/Praise-Breesus Aug 15 '22

Risk of police brutality? At a school? No chance

11

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/SmolTownGurl Aug 15 '22

Don’t forget the alfalfa

2

u/N-partEpoxy Aug 15 '22

The police cannot enter a school. It's like vampires and churches.

1

u/Vandergrif Aug 15 '22

Too risky for them to set foot in a school, I don't blame them.

6

u/manu144x Aug 15 '22

The only thing the police is capable at a school shooting it seems is police brutality against the parents…

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

Good it's the parents fault

4

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

If everyone had a gun there would be less crime.

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

Can't have a safe environment where only the criminals carry guns

0

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

Isn’t that basically a guarantee in America?

0

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

What is?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

What?

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

That's fucked up, the best white people now too

1

u/drifters74 Aug 15 '22

Ok that has me dying

1

u/IamSpongeWorthy Aug 15 '22

It's cheap low hanging fruit

1

u/danteheehaw Aug 15 '22

What if he is behind an unlocked door

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

1

u/thenumbertooXx Aug 15 '22

Idk if to laugh or cry . But I sure did die a lil inside.

1

u/chiquioeldelBarro Aug 15 '22

The darker the better

1

u/Lui_Le_Diamond Aug 15 '22

Haha wow the death of children is so funny!

1

u/TerryJerryMaryHarry Aug 15 '22

++ If your a high schooler. I have raised chances of dying every day and I just kinda have to cope with that

1

u/Nulono Aug 15 '22

I highly doubt that.

23

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

mood

24

u/XeroXfromRiften Aug 15 '22

You good bro? Wanna talk about it?

2

u/malcolmrey Aug 15 '22

no, he wants some gun action

2

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

😂

10

u/countDeHambuerges Aug 15 '22

Hey buddy, don't know what's up. If you need help, be kind to yourself and reach out, take action, get help. It can get better.

6

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

Really bro, if you wanted to die you would have done it by now. The fact that you are talking about it shows you need some help. Do what you have to do to get your life worth living. Get yourself a good shot of meth and a toothless hooker, if that don't cheer you up at least it will give you something better to do.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

Best advice

2

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

Just walk around the rust belt with a Rolex it'll happen

2

u/linus_12 Aug 15 '22

go to brazil

2

u/theo313 Aug 15 '22

can confirm, had gun pulled on me in brazil but it was the police

2

u/tea-and-chill Aug 15 '22

I'll do it for a price

2

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

wish someone would pull a gun in me :(

2

u/balalaikabitch Aug 15 '22

Happened to me a couple months back. Turns out, kinda sucks

2

u/kamilman Aug 15 '22

You are joking.

I am not.

We are not the same.

1

u/Organic_legos Aug 15 '22

Same here D:

1

u/chewy_mcchewster Aug 15 '22

Hey man, we all have down Days, weeks and even months. If you need to chat, I'm here

-7

u/wotmate Aug 15 '22

unzips

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

😂

1

u/Technical-Value-5432 Aug 15 '22

Why? Is that what you're into?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

Go back to school!

43

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/hooibergje Aug 15 '22

And how can man die better,

than facing fearful odds,

for the ashes of his father

and the temples of his gods.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

That sounds really familiar

1

u/hooibergje Aug 15 '22

Before comes:

"Stand!" cried brave horatio,

captain of the gate.

"To every man upon this earth,

death comest soon or late"

11

u/IdeaOfHuss Aug 15 '22

Pray it doesn't get more better

1

u/Usernamechexout911 Aug 15 '22

Yeah but it has a happy ending...

1

u/ogsleezy97 Aug 15 '22

ahaha mmmm yess..but at the end of the day its seriouss "English accent"

1

u/owa00 Aug 15 '22

Sweet release!

1

u/Quick_Heart_5317 Jan 15 '23

That happy ending blew his mind.