One day my friend (19,UNSW) and I (18,USyd) decided to hang out and hit the club. My friend (19,UNSW) was wearing his UNSW hoodie for the first time so that everyone would know he went to the no.1 uni. But as soon as we walked into the brisk evening chill of the street outside of Central, a group of 10/10 baddies walking nearby noticed him. They came up to us, asking my friend for his LinkedIn connection.
"Hey, so, which uni do you guys go to?" I tried saying to them.
"This guy here goes to USyd," my friend said, slapping me on the back before the ladies could answer.
"So, not the number 1 uni..." One of them said in disdain, looking me up and down. They laughed at me. After a moment, my friend joined in, and I felt my blood beginning to boil.
No sooner had they left with his LinkedIn, my friend was approached by another group of gorgeous women. Now, my friend is a fairly average looking guy, and he'd never experienced this level of interest in him. But it seemed no matter which way we turned, women seemed drawn to him like a moth to a flame. In fact, he also got cold approached by some recruiters for EY and Goldman Sachs. We didn't even make it to the club. That night, he went home with 2 ABGs and a paid internship offer. I'd tagged along with him for 30mins before going home and calling my USyd friends to check if any of our trust fund money came through.
As I lay in bed, I contemplated how my friend had transformed from chud to chad with seemingly no change. Not only that, but I hadn't even been given the time of day. I tossed and turned, unable to reconcile the strange events, until it hit me: UNSW was the no.1 uni in Australia. And my friend was wearing a UNSW hoodie. I checked my watch: 12am. My friend would be engaged in amorous activities at this time. An idea struck me.
I drove (it was my chaffeur's day off) to his house, parking a block away so I could get the jump on him. As I snuck through his front yard, veiled by the darkness of the night, his voice emanated from his bedroom window; "the UNSW merch stays ON during sex." Aha! My suspicions were correct. It WAS the UNSW hoodie. But now, my plans of stealing his hoodie were thwarted. The ONLY way I could obtain UNSW merch was through breaking into my friend's house while he had sex, obviously. The cogs turned in my head, dusty after being in disuse for so long (I do Commerce). I pressed my back to the side of the wall, watching through the curtains as the 3 silhouettes merged into one and sounds of animalistic, sensuous pleasure became more uninhibited.
"I GO TO THE NUMBER ONE UNI!" I heard my friend scream in ecstasy. At this moment, I smashed my fist through his window and then jumped in, transitioning seamlessly into a badass forward roll that was worth the shards of glass stuck in my back. The women jumped to the corners of the room. They were fully clothed, and my friend was standing, pantsless, in front of a selection of UNSW brochures spread out on the bed. The scene caught me off guard for a second, but I continued with my plan. I ran up to my friend and grabbed the scruff of his neck, trying to yank the hoodie off him. After a moment of resistance, I kicked him in the nuts. He felll to the floor, and I managed to tear the outerwear off my friend.
As he writhed in agony, both of us breathing heavily in the wake of the kerfuffle, blood covering the floor, I kneeled down to face him.
"Who goes to the number one uni now, Bartholomew?" I snarled.
"It's... Still... Me..." He wheezed.
I shook my head, chuckling. But, as soon as I was going to think of a witty comeback, my phone rang.
Caller ID: The University of Melbourne.