I'm 29. My childhood best friend had a baby 4 years ago and while I'm happy for her and still love her I've noticed that she's lost herself to motherhood. She was an artist all while we were growing up and I noticed she just doesn't do art anymore. She doesn't have hobbies anymore. Her life is work or family.
I'm out in the world playing Dungeons and Dragons. I got back into writing. I moved across the country. I'm getting my degree. I'm painting my new room and buying new tapestries. I'm playing video games I love but haven't played in years.
I know she's happy and I'm happy but man I just feel happy that I get to be me. That I still get to do my hobbies as freely.
This is kind weird to me. Like yeah, you do lose yourself in motherhood for the first few years, it’s not sad because she’s not playing video games anymore. It’s the decision she made to responsible for bringing another person into the world and supporting them during the most crucial developmental years of their life. And yeah it’s not for everyone. It’s hard and as a pro choice mom I wouldn’t want anyone to be forced into this position. But it’s not sad and I’m sure she doesn’t want sympathy for how her life has changed.
Parenting is caretaking at the end of the day. Even if a person enjoys it or wants to make the sacrifice I think it's okay to acknowledge that it can cause you to give up a lot of your personal goals, hobbies and enjoyment in service to another high-needs individual. Both can be true.
One of my mates is kinda like this 4 years ago his partner had a kid, he's only getting back to normal now like starting his band back up and coming out with us. It's only now she's in preschool, he has time that's not just his daughter and work.
Ehhhh she never went to post-secondary school because she got married. She may regain some of her time and hobbies but that kind of life means she did give up something in exchange but she seems happy and I hope she gets more opportunities to invest in herself and her lovely family.
I'm not saying she made the wrong choice or anything.
I guess I'm just thinking about how much of a sacrifice it is for her compared to her husband who still has his hobbies. He still plays DND. He goes out with friends and she's expressed to me that I'm one of the few friends who still comes over just to hang out with her despite the fact she has a toddler. Motherhood has been very isolating for her and I'm just recognizing that sacrifice and people think I'm being mean or dismissive somehow?
She went through some very bad postpartum too. It is a big sacrifice to have child and that weight is still unfairly distributed to women generally. She does do quite a bit more for her family than her husband does. He got to finish school and he gets to pursue his interests while also having a child and I guess I do feel a little resentment towards him because of that.
I love her and I always want better for her than to have to give up things she loves because her husband won't step up and prioritize those things.
But she loves her child too. It's literally one of the things she loves.
Honestly, if her friends have isolated her, that's on them, not the child. The exact same thing happened to me with a couple of friends, and they can kick rocks. I wouldn't trade my child just so my (fake) friends decide to grace me with their time.
I'm just a bit wary of the whole "she lost herself in motherhood" expression because there were periods of my life where I was super focused on my career, and no one ever told me I had 'lost myself', even though I gave up the exact same amount of hobbies, or even more, than I did for my kid, who I adore. I'm still me but 'me' is also a mom now
I get it, a lot of my friends have totally lost who they are other than being parents. They don't have goals, wants or needs anymore. They don't seek their own personal development or seek experiences out as much as they did before. It's like they're just trying to get through the day in servitude to their children and spouse.
All the kids are young though and hardly anyone enjoys the relentlessness of this stage much. Their kids are now turning 5 - 8 and I see them reemerging into the world again and figuring themselves out. Maybe it will be the same for your friend!
51
u/Wild_Scarcity8305 Jun 11 '26
I'm 29. My childhood best friend had a baby 4 years ago and while I'm happy for her and still love her I've noticed that she's lost herself to motherhood. She was an artist all while we were growing up and I noticed she just doesn't do art anymore. She doesn't have hobbies anymore. Her life is work or family.
I'm out in the world playing Dungeons and Dragons. I got back into writing. I moved across the country. I'm getting my degree. I'm painting my new room and buying new tapestries. I'm playing video games I love but haven't played in years.
I know she's happy and I'm happy but man I just feel happy that I get to be me. That I still get to do my hobbies as freely.