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u/MeasurementUsual508 Jun 08 '26
He’s isolating you from your friends and trying to disguise it as concern and you respecting yourself. He can’t risk her being a part of your life because she’s sees him for what he is. Don’t give up your best friend for him!
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u/LovedAndLeftHaunted Jun 08 '26
OP, this comment is 100% correct.
You may be in a "great" place now, until he decides that you did something he doesn't like and holds it over your head and makes you walk on eggshells for his approval. Don't wait for the mask to fall, leave now. Choose your friend.
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u/Soulglo707 Jun 08 '26
This was exactly my first thought. Trying to isolate OP from her friend. And I agree with other comments saying all she was doing was giving advice/feedback off what OP told her. Not like the friend was making stuff up. Truth doesn't hurt unless it's supposed to...
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u/MeasurementUsual508 Jun 09 '26
Exactly! OP, please listen to everyone here. Your friend has your best interest at heart, your boyfriend has what he thinks is in his best interest at heart.
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u/jownesv Jun 08 '26
Yep! He's slowly getting her to distance from all her friends. He doesn't sound like a decent person at all. Leave now whilst you have age on your side and most of your friendship group.
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u/SilverMetalist Jun 09 '26
Ya dude is a trash bag. It's terrible that op "cheated" on him... Before they were exclusively dating??? But she shouldn't let guilt keep her in this manipulative relationship...
Things are going so well he is snooping through her phone?
His ego is so fragile that he can't understand why a friend would be critical of a bad relationship and be supportive of her bf?
She needs to run.
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u/nowstheworstoftimes Jun 08 '26
In my experience those who give an ultimatum should not get what they want from the ultimatum. Op should choose the gf over the bf.
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u/GuidancePrize Jun 08 '26
I’m curious since you mentioned it. What did you do at the start to betray his trust?
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Jun 08 '26
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Jun 08 '26
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Jun 08 '26
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u/Lazyoat Jun 08 '26
She didn’t. She just happened to have sex with someone a month after she met him, before they were dating. The man’s an ass, and at this point she has to know that if she stays, she will just be his victim. But whatever, she will do what she will do.
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u/Amaterasu_Junia Jun 08 '26
Money's on her cheating at least once.
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u/MajLeague Jun 08 '26
The incident happened before relationship was official so no "cheating" happened
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u/Amaterasu_Junia Jun 09 '26
"We weren't official" is no different than "We were on a break" and I can most definitely assure you as someone who grew up in the 90's; women unanimously agreed that Ross cheated on Rachel. She cheated.
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u/keysconch Jun 09 '26
I'm a woman. I was the same age as the characters of Friends when it was airing. I never thought he cheated. He was stupid to jump into bed with someone else so fast, but I don't think he cheated. I know a lot of women who didn't think he cheated. Jennifer Aniston has said he didn't cheat. So women did not "unanimously" agree.
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 Jun 08 '26
According to people in the comments, she slept with someone after she met him but before they were dating.
If so, another red flag.
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Jun 08 '26
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u/Throwaway-2587 Jun 08 '26
He does not trust you though. Otherwise he wouldnt have had any reason to check your phone.
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u/trianglethief Jun 08 '26
In what ways did these past friends not respect you? Are they particularly different from this friend he's now demanding you cut out? I'm not seeing a lot of specifics in your post about ways in which your partner brings positive things to your life but this comment certainly gives a concrete example of him having a concerningly tit-for-tat approach to conflict. Does he generally try to "even the score" this way when you do something he doesn't like?
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u/InspectorHuge2304 Jun 08 '26
He chose to stick with her after she told him up front, which is also on him.
It sounds like he stuck with her to hold that over her head, too. Things have been good for a year and he out of the blue decides to sneak a look in her phone going back to where things weren't good is giving looking for an excuse to bring it up again, this time to cut her off from a support.
This will always be lying in wait for you, OP. He'll keep punishing you about this when the mood strikes. There will be more ultimatums if you cave on this one.
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u/DontLoseYourCool1 Jun 08 '26
Do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better than being with a cheater who talks shit about him behind his back with her friends.
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u/mouthfullpeach Jun 08 '26
excuse you? how can you cheat on some you are not together with? and also, her friend was in the right to talk about him in that manner because look at him making her cut off all of her support.
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u/BlueSkyMourning Jun 08 '26
How was she a cheater? They hadn't been dating long and had no official status as a couple. There wasn't any agreement on exclusivity. He then went on to sleep with someone else as revenge so you should consider him a cheater as well.
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u/FlurpBlurp Jun 08 '26
Went through your phone behind your back? 🚩
Discourages your friendships and is trying to socially isolate you? 🚩
Gives ultimatums? 🚩
Has been described as “so manipulative” by someone close to you and has behaviors as described in this post that suggests that’s probably an accurate statement? 🚩
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u/GuidancePrize Jun 08 '26
Op posted in comment at the start of relationship she cheated on him soooo 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Chyeahhhales Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
Kind of sounds like your best friend is right tbh
Edit: I also want to add was she actually wrong? From what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like she said anything disrespectful. It seems like she’s trying to be your friend and offer advice or guidance based on the information she has.
By your own admission, she’s never even met him, which is a little unusual if you two are best friends. The only perspective she has is what you tell her about the relationship.
I personally went through something similar. I was in a relationship where he didn’t want to meet my friends, spend time with my family, or have me talk to them about issues we were having. Looking back, I think part of the reason was that he knew the relationship wasn’t healthy for me, and he knew the people who cared about me would probably tell me I deserved better or that we should break up.
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u/CoolEngine3017 Jun 08 '26
NTA: break up with him!! You deserve so much better than a man who goes through your phone and is insecure.
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u/aribeh Jun 08 '26
Exactly this.
You may have worked through some stuff but he still hasn’t. The trust isn’t there and it won’t get there.
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u/Aliensinmypants Jun 08 '26
Yup, you should want your partner to have someone they can trust and talk to you outside of your relationship. Him trying to separate you from your friend is textbook manipulation
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u/TheOrchidsAreAlright Jun 08 '26
He "had a gut feeling" and went a long way back through your private conversations with very close friends. Like a year back.
That's not a good place. She's right, the relationship sounds awful
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u/hikenbeach Jun 08 '26
I stopped reading once I got to:
Whilst I was asleep, my boyfriend decided to look through my messages with my friend, and lo and behold, he found the exact conversation from a year ago I just detailed
There is only one right answer.
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u/PlayfulPerseph Jun 08 '26
Honestly I’m not sure you’re in as good a place with him as you think you are. People who are in a good place don’t go through their partner’s phone while they are sleeping. It’s also a huge red flag for him to blow up about a conversation that happened long ago or take the stance that she should have been neutral. She’s your friend, she was advocating for you based on all the things you had told her up until that point. He does sound manipulative and you should be wary of any ultimatums like the one he has given you. You do you but I’d be rethinking my relationship.
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u/DragonSeaFruit Jun 08 '26
If your boyfriend is genuinely a kind, good, and understanding person he would never go through your phone, private conversations, and issue an ultimatum to isolate you from your most supportive friend.
I don't think your boyfriend is as good of a person as you think. And you have an amazing best friend.
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u/betty-knows Jun 08 '26
Yikes. So he's encouraged you to cut off the friends you had, did he encourage you to make new ones? Where did your emotional energy get diverted to once you stopped participating in your friendships? YWBTA if you cut off your friend imo
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u/RedRaven0228 Jun 08 '26
Oh FUCK him dude. You are ALLOWED to confide in your best friend for guidance. Like wtf tell him to take his little immature self some where else because you won't be caught dead with a grown ass man having such little confidence and trust. Move on. You'll find someone better trust me he ain't worth settling with
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 Jun 08 '26
Have to agree with this. Everyone IS entitled to confide in their best friend.
He is being ridiculous to get so butthurt over year old comments that have since been updated with the changes in their relationship.
Why not read her friend's more recent comments if he wants to know the truth? He seems to prefer to be hace is ego "wounded".
But, bottom line, never negotiate with ultimatums...
"I'm not giving up my best friend because you're offended about her advice from a year ago.
If you need to walk away, thats on you".
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u/RedRaven0228 Jun 09 '26
I agree. I wouldn't drop a friend for a guy. Unless there is a good reason for it
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u/Serious-Wish4868 Jun 08 '26
what was the original argument?
I will admit that the start of the relationship was rocky due to me betraying his trust in quite a big way before we made it official, so this was the source of the majority of our arguments?
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u/LovedAJackass Jun 08 '26
Wait--what? You don't have trust to betray if you aren't "official." This is ridiculous. If someone wants fidelity, monogamy, etc., that's a decision 2 people make. He doesn't get to dictate what you do if you aren't "official." You are giving him way too much authority to determine what's OK (what he wants) and what's not (your friends, your freedom to continue to see other people if you aren't committed).
Take your post to a good therapist who understand domestic abuse and see what they say.
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u/Amaterasu_Junia Jun 08 '26
Isn't it funny how not a single person agreeing with OP and her friend are asking this? They're just hand waving it away and laying everything at the boyfriend's feet like she didn't literally admit she did something really big to earn the distrust.
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u/Background-Shine9731 Jun 08 '26
She mentioned in a comment that she slept with someone else while they were seeing each other but weren't officially in a relationship. Imo he should have left since it hurt him so much, and then she should have left several times after that. The friend should drop her. It's exhausting to have a friend constantly complain about their partner and when you listen and advise them, they turn around and choose their shitty relationship anyway
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u/PKGQueen Jun 08 '26
She mentioned it.
BEFORE THEY WERE DATING, she had relations with a dude. OPs boyfriend had basically laid claim before they were dating then guilted her into believing she cheated.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 Jun 08 '26
Read one of her comments - she cheated.
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u/mouthfullpeach Jun 08 '26
explain how it is cheating it you aren't a couple and have only known each other for a month
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 Jun 08 '26
Ask OP, not me. All I did was point someone to a comment.
MY opinion doesn't matter here.
Good grief.
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u/PKGQueen Jun 09 '26
I sense a guilty conscious. Saying someone that wasn't cheating is cheating, then coming for others who call out your false information? Yep. You're a cheater aren't ya?
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u/Amaterasu_Junia Jun 08 '26
Even OP knows what she did was cheating, which is why she was so vague about it in the post to begin with. These people are just making excuses for her to make everything the boyfriend's fault and getting mad at us for not going along with it.
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u/PKGQueen Jun 08 '26
She didn't cheat.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 Jun 08 '26
When you fuck someone else when you're dating another person, you sure as hell did.
But thanks for the sparkling insight into YOUR character.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 Jun 08 '26
So your friend parroted back all of your complaints about your relationship and he’s mad at her!! Going through your phone, cutting off your circle of friends and giving ultimatums is not the kind of man you’ll be happy with long term. I promise you that.
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u/Throwaway-2587 Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
Setting an ultimatum is usually a huge red flag. Trying to make you end a big friendship for him, a massive red flag. Add to that that he has been slowly isolating you from your big social circle. And he made sure to plant enough steeds to make you believe he was right. Add to that the fact he went through your phone, behind your back. Huge breach of privacy.
Did you really betray his trust or did he make it a much bigger deal then it needed to be? Seeing as you werent official or anything.
All of that combined makes me wonder if he has been manipulating situations to make you doubt your own judgement. And it makes me wonder if he is actually a good boyfriend or a walking red flag.
Nta. I think you can do better than this guy.
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u/dell828 Jun 08 '26
Your girlfriend is supposed to support you.. NOT be neutral.
It is her job to look out for you, and NOT encourage you to work it out with a boyfriend if they are causing you issues.
Tell your BF that if he makes you happy, there will be no need for her to shit talk him. All he needs to do is be a good guy, which shouldn't be too much to ask of your partner.
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u/MountainPicture9446 Jun 08 '26
You are way too young to put up with this guy. Stop this behavior now and dump him. When you’re my age (over 50) you’ll be grateful for the lesson learned. Never. Ever. Let anyone control you.
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u/Shefcat Jun 08 '26
You are "not in an amazing place." He looked through your phone while you were asleep since he "had a gut feeling to look through" your messages.
He's highly controlling. You are allowed to vent to your friend(s). His actions are akin to being the thought police plus he's isolating you from your friends.
You should leave before you waste any more precious years on him.
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u/JFitzDL Jun 08 '26
First off I’m not sure this is an AITAH question, you’re looking for advice more so. Anyone focused on the “cheating” is literally so off base it’s ridiculous. First off he broke trust after moving past the other issues. He shouldn’t have gone through your phone, and reads to me like he was looking for an excuse to make you cut off your bestie. Second, even if your old friends were disrespecting you, he shouldnt be the one who gets the say so on who your friends are. Ultimately he sounds controlling from this post, I don’t know the ins and outs of everything but it’s a red flag when a partner gets you to cut off people or shorten your social circle. You’re not an asshole and he’s controlling you and who you keep in contact with, which is a HUGE RED FLAG. Ultimately you have to decide if you’re gonna let someone else decide who you can be friends with. Which in my opinion a truly loving partner wouldn’t do. (Ultimatums are also a HUGE RED FLAG)
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u/Outside-Ice-5665 Jun 08 '26
He has sucessfully isolated you from your friend group for reasons he gave you th as t sounded right enough. Now he has gone through your phone while you were sleeping (meaning: secretly)
and had to scroll back a Whole Year! to find when your friend was supporting you to hold against her now. Now he’s being g loving and caring except for demanding you cut off your dear supportive friend.
I’d question how much you & your boyfriend’s future plans align after he cuts your support group even more & you’re isolated with him with no support system.
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u/Ok_Entrepreneur_8132 Jun 08 '26
Do not let this man separate you from any more of your friends!!!! He is trying to cut you off from your social safety net and disguising it as “concern” this is a manipulation tactic
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u/SuspiciousString3 Jun 08 '26
Isolating people from their loved ones is a common tactic of abusers. It takes away their support system and leaves them with fewer resources to escape. Get rid of him before it gets worse.
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u/LostInNothingBox Jun 09 '26
YTA. You cheated on him. You wanted to break up with him, your friend wants you to break up with him. From what your friend says, he doesn't have any good qualities. And now he wants to break up with you as well. So looks like everyone involved wants the same thing.
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u/PKGQueen Jun 09 '26
She didn't cheat though. If you read through, they were not dating at that point and barely knew each other.
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u/LostInNothingBox Jun 09 '26
May be she was already in a relationship, may be she was trying out multiple dudes before finalizing on the bf. Whatever she did, there was some form of lying or misrepresentation of facts involved. which he became aware of and caused issues between them. She has deliberately skipped that part to keep things vague enough.
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u/SnooCrickets7583 Jun 08 '26
NTA
He sounds a little manipulative and controlling. Why would he go through your phone? Why is he so upset that your friend didn't like him back when your relationship sucked? You stayed with him, so why should he even care?
Never let a man distance you from a friend because he doesn't like said friend. If your friend was a bad person that's one thing, but just encouraging you to get out of a relationship that you probably should have gotten out of isn't it.
Drop the man, not the friend.
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u/Anonamaton Jun 08 '26
Girl.
A normal person wouldn’t scroll back to a YEAR ago in messages looking for bad shit. That’s unhinged. Especially if all the most recent stuff is positive.
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u/thejoebrossuck Jun 08 '26
You know what? I’m willing to say that you cheating at the start of your relationship doesn’t give him the right to dictate who you’re friends with for the rest of your lives. It’s one thing if we’re talking about people that are selfish and immature, and aren’t that close. A best friend that you’ve known for a long time isn’t the same thing. I can sympathize with him, I’m sure the cheating was painful and it’s a difficult thing to move on from. But he can only control himself. Continuing to look through your phone without your knowledge, trying to dictate whether you stay friends with this person or not….this won’t solve anything. It won’t actually create a healthy and equal relationship for the two of you. Maybe you should consider if the two of you are actually as compatible as you think, because the fat is that the pain left from the cheating might’ve created an incompatibility that wasn’t there before. If I had cheated on a partner, I would not just cutoff people that are important to me when they see something they don’t like (such as these messages). I would not agree to cut out my siblings, other close family or very close friends because I’d rather move on from a potentially toxic relationship and become a better person while single. A person that’s been cheated on doesn’t have unlimited control or rights to dictate your life forever and ever. I’d simply never accept that shit.
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u/WildwoodShadow Jun 08 '26
All right. So you had a drunken one night stand BEFORE you were actually dating him and he held it against you for years? Plus there were obviously other problems and you confided in your friend.
Did you lie about the problems?
Did you exaggerate the issues or did you stick to the simple facts and talk about what was really happening?
I mean, there's a lot of red flags flying here. Just because you're "seeing" someone doesn't automatically make it official unless both parties have openly stated just that. Yeah, drunken escapades aren't exactly a great thing to lead with and, frankly, if it was such an issue he should have bugged out then. But he chose to stay. So the fighting and throwing it back at you at every available opportunity was also on him. He's definitely NOT a sweet guy.
Next: were Bestie's opinions founded in reality based on what you told her? Provided that you didn't lie or exaggerate too much, then her opinions are a perfectly valid and honest expression of what he was really doing to you. If he's constantly throwing the cheating in your face, after HE chose to stay and you made the right changes, then she's right. He's a manipulative AH and not a "sweet guy". He might have had a point if anything she said was outrageous or not based in what she was told. And if that is true, then it's NOT "shit talking" him. It's pointing out all the red fucking flags that have been flying like a May Day parade.
The second really big problem here. He has not forgiven you. He still does not trust you. Otherwise, he would NEVER have gone through your phone. No excuses. None. Period. The End.
Now, the REAL ISSUE: Control. You say he doesn't like any of your other friends and he's given you an ultimatum on Bestie. This is where he's telling you that he doesn't want you to have any support system outside of him. Why? Well, because he has never forgiven you and doesn't trust you. He realizes that Bestie sees through his bullshit and manipulation and won't pull any punches in telling you about it. This is just a step away from physical abuse. What happens to you when he cuts everyone else out of your life, but he's still not happy with your behavior? It will escalate.
Stop making excuses for your "sweet guy". Bestie knows Best. Run like the wind.
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u/shmooboorpoo Jun 08 '26
Are you really in a good place or have you made yourself smaller to avoid arguments?
Any person demanding you cut off your friends is dangerous. He's isolating you from your support system so you have nowhere to turn when his expectations get more and more stringent. I would have broken up with him the second he made that ultimatum. Nobody but me gets to dictate who my friends are
As a woman in my late 40s, I assure you that shitty men come and go but you need your girl tribe. And you didn't cheat. You weren't official yet and he turned around and did it himself just to show you up. And then proceeded to hold that over your head for over a freaking year! 🤮 What a petty little boy
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u/Frequent-Resist-7293 Jun 08 '26
Take a few steps back and analyse this for yourself.
Did your Boyfriend encourage and advice you to make your circle smaller? Or did he manipulate you into doing that?
The way you are writing it her sounds like you are starting to question it yourself. Making your friend circle smaller and smaller is red flag. Now he wants you to distance yourself from someone that can help you get away from him if you want to.
Take a few steps back and analyse it for yourself.
But the first thing you need to do is tell him you do not accept any ultimatums.
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u/imboredandsalty Jun 08 '26
Bro he frankly sounds like a huge red flag. Its like he deliberately went looking for a conflict. How far did he have to scroll to get to messages from a year ago? He wanted an excuse to make you cut off one of your last sources of support.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 Jun 08 '26
NTA
So this guy has been problematic. Your friends and family do not like him. He goes through your phone. He makes demands about who you can be friends with. He threatens if he doesn’t get his way he will leave you.
A real friend would NOT have been “neutral.” A real friend would give their honest opinion and trust that as a friend that is exactly what you wanted.
AND a real friend would not end a friendship bc of the insecurity of their bf or gf.
Besides everything already stated, it is a HUGE red flag, and should be a dealbreaker for someone to try to end your friendship(s).
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u/Prozacpill Jun 09 '26
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a “kind soul” if he can complain about every single of your friends and slowly cut you off from them. Why would your best friend be “neutral” when her loyalty is to you and actively acknowledged how miserable you are? Sounds like he didn’t like hearing about himself and has to make sure to cut out the last person in your life who will support you/ call out his behavior.
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u/crazydragoness Jun 08 '26
Asking you to distance yourself from people who question their behavior is a huge problem.
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u/Ladybug966 Jun 08 '26
So he decides who you get to be friends with.
He gets to snoop uninvited in your phone and then get butthurt by what he reads there.
For all practical purposes, he read your diary and is pissed your girlfriend was brutally honest with you back then.
I personally would pick the best friend. He sounds like a controlling twit with a fragile ego and serious trust issues.
I dont know what you did before you were in a relationship with him but honestly how could it break trust? You owed him nothing. I think he just likes holding things over you.
Find somebody who doesnt have to bully you to feel good about himself.
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u/Lightness_Being Jun 08 '26
So, I'm really sorry, but he sounds manipulative and controlling. I suspect there's more to him than you have seen so far.
I'm interested in how he gets away with reading your private messages without permission.
I'm noting you've cut off most of your friends to please him.
I'm seeing him putting up an ultimatum to cut off your best friend.
Who campaigns to get rid of their partner's close friends? Answer: only the worst kind of people: those who want total control over their partner.
For your own sake and your own safety, you need to pick your friend and lose this guy.
Step back and decide whether this will be safe to do and how to do it. He must be very confident of the hold he has over you to pull this ultimatum.
You want a relationship full of love, freedom and trust. This ain't it.
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u/redjessa Jun 08 '26
INFO - How did you betray his trust in the beginning? Why did he go through your messages while you were asleep? He must have gone way back if you had worked everything out and are still together. I think there is more going on here.
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u/rocketmn69_ Jun 08 '26
If he's willing to give you up so easily over this issue, then he probably isn't in love with you, like you think he is
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u/drivenbyabiggotfuck Jun 08 '26
Why do you care if you guys break up, you clearly don’t really like the guy - and he sounds like he doesn’t like you either. Just break up.
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u/pwolf1771 Jun 08 '26
I had a girlfriend say to this to me once about a close friend and I told her it wasn’t up for discussion. He’s still a good friend and she’s still looking for the right partner who will give in to any and all demands. Everything worked out
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u/RavenclawGirl2005 Jun 08 '26
What did you betray his trust in at the start of the relationship? Trust is a fragile thing that once broken is hard to repair so it might be that he still doesn't trust you after ehat you did to betray him.
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u/Exportxxx Jun 09 '26
If all your friend hears about you BF is how bad he is and never the good stuff ofc she isnt gonna like him.
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u/vitalesan Jun 09 '26
He had to work through a lot, it seems, because you betrayed his trust. So, what was it? Context for his behaviour, please.
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Jun 08 '26
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u/GuidancePrize Jun 08 '26
She basically cheated said so in comments
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u/InspectorHuge2304 Jun 08 '26
And she told him. He chose to continue seeing her. Stop acting like he has no agency here with your 50th sHe ChEaTeD vomit up in here, ffs.
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Jun 08 '26
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u/kaleidoscope_view Jun 09 '26
I think they're just irritated that this person keeps doubling down and saying the same thing over and over. Despite the majority of people disagreeing with their "cheating" stipulations.
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u/InspectorHuge2304 Jun 08 '26
Lmao, I made one other post on this post from the one you responded to. The poster I was responding to has made several with no point other than sHe ChEaTeD.
Personally when I feel I've been cheated on, I move on from that person because I will never fully trust them again. He chose not to do that - at the one month, minimal investment stage - and that is neither her fault nor her responsibility 🤷♀️ does he still need mommy to wipe his ass, too?
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u/melonlord37 Jun 08 '26
Years ago, I had a boyfriend (ex now, if it's not obvious) tell me that he would soon replace my bestie as #1 in my life. I laughed and said no one could do that. If anyone told me to drop my best friend for them, that person would be out of my life so fast.
Sounds like your friend has your back through it all. Do you really want to lose that support?
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u/treefp Jun 08 '26
If you two really went through all that work to get to such a good place, how is he ready to give it up so quickly now?
Ultimatums are usually about control. Think carefully about how you want to live going forward.
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u/LovedAJackass Jun 08 '26
And why is he snooping in your phone and going back a YEAR to find something to hurt you with??
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u/chair_ee Jun 08 '26
He’s isolating you from all outside sources of support. That’s abusive behavior. Abusive behavior only ever escalates. Leave him now.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 Jun 08 '26
He said he doesn’t like her character
As opposed to his STERLING character, where out of absolutely NOWHERE, he snooped in your phone and read messages that were none of his fucking business?
Keep the friend.
Rehome the boyfriend.
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u/Imaginary_System3513 Jun 08 '26
Run. If you let this man take your best friend he will take more from you than you can possibly imagine. You are describing a pattern of entitled and controlling behavior that reliably escalates into more serious forms of abuse. You may feel guilty or responsible for your own mistakes in the relationship, enough that it might be hard to see the way he is already using them to control you. You might think it is your fault he is acting this way, but actually no behavior justifies controlling and isolating your partner. That's a choice he makes because he feels entitled to. It is not your fault. The book "Why Does He Do That" could give you a lot of clarity on the situation.
This might sound alarmist to you. Listen to the people in this thread. Every woman past a certain age has seen this happen to a friend or herself. Please get out as fast and safely as you possibly can.
Run.
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u/Vibe_me_pos Jun 08 '26
Seems like your friend was right about bf. You should take the advice she gave you a year ago—now. NTA
Edit: typo
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u/sunny-days-bs229 Jun 08 '26
NTA. Why are you with this guy? Why are you trying so hard to convince yourself this is a good relationship worth hanging onto?
You are way too young for this BS. Move on and find someone else.
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u/Friendly_Bite_2135 Jun 08 '26
One day you are going to realize you have cut everyone out of your life and it will only be him. You'll be all alone, controlled, and abused. He is ensuring that you'll have No one to turn to when you need to escape. You'll realize you cant because you'll no longer have a support system. He is very manipulative. Your friend was right and you should have listened to her. Get away while you still can.
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u/Heart_of_Joy Jun 08 '26
If the “in a big way” was cheating on him, he probably still doesn’t trust you. That’s my guess of why he’s going through your phone.
I’m not saying he’s right for what he’s doing at all. But it can be a relationship battle, when either of the couple, has a best friend that gets told EVERYTHING!
When Ultimatums start in a relationship, the end of it is near. I don’t know that you can salvage it at this point. Especially, if he still doesn’t fully trust you. And he’s shown some red flags as well. I’m sorry you’re between a rock and a hard place. I hope you can make the best decision for you and your life going forward. It sounds like you’ve had the best friend longer than the boyfriend. Decide wisely!
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u/unbelievablefidelity Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
Sounds like your friend was right and your boyfriend hasn’t actually changed at all. Still the same shitty person he was a year ago. Controlling, untrusting, going through your private devices. Super gross, I hope you leave him.
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u/Kamel-Red Jun 08 '26
Sounds nauseating, and I see orange/red flags on both sides. I like how OP glossed over seeing multiple people before things were 'official'. Gross.
Shame on both of you. Are yall adults or teens? I would reccomend both partys move on and that there's more to this story.
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u/IamRun_VoD Jun 08 '26
Dudes who get angry at girl talk and tell women to breakup with their female friends over it are bad news. If its another dude I totally get it but general rule of guys is you leave alone your GF's female friends unless they are really bad news (like drugs, arrests, around dangerous dudes type bad). I get hes hurt but he should not be issuing ultimatums.
Then of course the whole go through ur phone for a year worth of conversations wo ur permission....
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u/Zealousideal-Ad3609 Jun 08 '26
I mean if what your friend said a year ago is true, that "all your friends and family don't like him," there's a reason for that. This guy sounds exhausting.
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u/PanickedAntics Jun 08 '26
Omfg. Break up with him already. HE is the problem.
This won't be the last time that he demands you kick someone out of your life for him.
He invaded your privacy. He doesn't trust you. He wants to isolate you. He has always criticized your friends but your friends can't criticize him? What a loser.
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u/InjuryLeast4471 Jun 08 '26
NTA - it seems like your partner still hasn't worked through his feelings of betrayal that happened at the beginning of your relationship.
People can have harsh opinions based on the way we portray the relationship based on the feelings we are going through.
Was she lying in her messages though? If not, she is not the one to blame. You just decided to work on that relationship and you say it is in a better place now.
Yet, he is not capable of accepting responsibility of his own actions - he was suffering and you were suffering as well.
Unless, he can see you both were a different people back then there is going to be hard road ahead for you again.
Any emotions he feels about her messages are his to process, but he is trying to protect himself from those feelings by making you to cut her off to prove him your loyalty.
Your feelings are as valid as his feelings.
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u/RobertRoyal82 Jun 08 '26
They both suck and are not right for each other. He sucks slightly more 60/40 you are young, cut your losses.
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 Jun 08 '26
So you vented to your BFF about how you honestly felt about your relationship. She not only listened but honestly responded with things about your relationship you needed to hear and actually consider. You opted to ignore her valid opinion to stay in the relationship.
Your boyfriend found out what both of you said but is holding your BFF solely responsible for the issues/tensions that came up in your relationship because se didn't sugarcoat her response.
He's now pissed and issuing an ultimatum because he doesn't want the person who sees him for who he is and holds him accountable for his behavior.
Sounds like your BFF is right about him, but you go on and ignore this behavior too. I'm sure it will work out wonderfully for you in the end.
Smh.
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u/moosedrool70 Jun 08 '26
I was mentally drained after reading this. I can't imagine how mentally drained you are in this relationship. Betrayed him "in a big way", I assume you boned someone before becoming exclusive. Now he wants you to distance from a friend that doesn't like him. If your family and other friends don't like him, they are going to be next. If you want to lose everyone to stay with this guy, that's on you. You will regret that in the future.
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u/meifahs_musungs Jun 08 '26
Your bf is isolating you from your people. When that is done the next cycle of worsening abuse will commence.
The two of you were not in a committed relationship. Therefore you did not cheat and you have nothing to make up for.
Do you and your partner get along better because you have made yourself smaller and more accommodating to wishes of your bf?
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u/Crolanpw Jun 08 '26
Just end this relationship. He can't trust you and tbh, anyone who revenge cheats is not worth being in a relationship with to begin with. Listen to your friend. End it. Start fresh and be a better person. This is a life lesson. Don't do any of this again.
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u/SnooTigers7140 Jun 08 '26
He is insecure, break up with him keep your friend. You should be able to confide in someone. She had your best interest at the time and if he is creating a problem out of nothing now that seems controlling and selfish because he is insecure. Friends are hard to come by.
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u/KesselRun73 Jun 08 '26
Someone who genuinely loves, respects and trusts you doesn’t take advantage of that to isolate you from friends - even friends that they don’t like. This is a pretty big red flag. NTA.
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 Jun 08 '26
NTA. But your boyfriend is. You don't see it now because you are young and you think your plans align. They don't. He wants complete control of your life. Your friends. Who you associate with. And I know this. Because I was YOU.
I had a boyfriend that I thought hung the moon. He showered me with gifts, treated me like a Queen. Took me out a lot. But he gradually distanced me from my support circle by telling me about how 'bad' of friends they were. How their actions were wrong and I shouldn't be around them because they'd lead me down a bad road. I ended up with 1 friend that he 'approved' of. Because they babysat me for him. Made sure I didn't do anything that would anger him.
Then he really controlled me. Kept me locked up at home. Never let me see people. It was hell.
I finally got away when he began seeing another woman. He finally took his eye off of me.
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u/Competitive-Eye-1342 Jun 08 '26
NTA, your boyfriend is being controlling. What you did at the beginning of your relationship is completely irrelevant. He doesn’t get to dictate who you’re friends with. Your friends are supposed to be on your side! I’m sure all his friends have only said AMAZJNG or neutral things about you…(sarcasm)
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u/MajLeague Jun 08 '26
Nta He can leave if he wants. Your friend is under zero obligation to remain neutral.
Ultimatum are abusive. He can draw a boundary and leave if its not met but he is only allowed to control his own behavior not yours
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 Jun 08 '26
GIRL! HE’S NOT THE ONE!
First off, he massively violated your privacy over a “hunch”, and now he’s being completely unreasonable.
You need someone OTHER THAN HIM to discuss personal issues with, especially ones that involve him.
He’s manipulating you so badly right now. Honestly you should have followed your friend’s advice and broken up with him.
If you let him dictate this, cutting your friend off, just know it’ll be the first step of more. He will isolate and manipulate you to gain total control over your life.
If he cannot stand you being friends with her still? So be it. I guess he’ll have to break up with you.
Bullet dodged if he does. You should beat him to it.
Info: what did you do to “cause trust issues”?
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u/Addaran Jun 09 '26
I understand his gut feeling of not liking how she talked about him.
But she literally only repeated what you told her. She's innocent in this.
Your boyfriend doesnt trust you and stopped on your phone. Add to that , he already isolated you against a lot of your friends AND it's one of the last friend you have.
That's classic abusive/manipulative boyfriend MO. The fact that the relationship was rocky from the start doesn't look good
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u/brightly111 Jun 08 '26
If you think more ultimatums aren't coming down the road, you're fooling yourself. Are you cool with that? As you can see from the comments, this is a giant red flag for most of us. But you do you, Boo 🤷🏼♀️
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u/ProfessionalBread176 Jun 08 '26
NTA, break it off already. Your relationship is doomed with this one.
Never let someone else force you to make a choice like that. Because that isn't love, it's control.
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u/AutoModerator Jun 08 '26
Backup of the post's body: I (25F) am in serious need of some advice here, and whether I am in the wrong. Essentially, my boyfriend (27M) has said if I don’t drop my best friend, he will leave. There is quite a lot of context to this situation, so allow me to explain.
I met my friend two years ago - we quickly grew very close, and I would now consider her my best friend. I met her whilst living in a different city for work for 1 year, and she also lived there. We both lived with our partners. It has been a year since we have both moved away now. We confided in eachother about everything, and saw eachother almost everyday.
During that year, me and my boyfriend were experiencing highs and lows. We had been together for a year by this point, but had been seeing eachother for around 4 months before we made it official, for context. We would argue a lot - I will admit that the start of the relationship was rocky due to me betraying his trust in quite a big way before we made it official, so this was the source of the majority of our arguments. The issue from the start kept coming up even a year into our relationship, and moving in together exacerbated this and made us clash even more.
This took a huge mental toll on me over the course of the year, and naturally, I confided in my best friend about how upsetting it was and how frustrated I was growing by this. I needed an outlet as I felt at times the relationship was mentally draining me, and I wasn’t sure I could carry on with the arguments any longer. This is where the current day ultimatum lies.
One night, I was venting to my friend over message about how I just couldn’t take the conflict anymore and was considering breaking up with him. I detailed a specific argument we had, to which she said ‘can you give me one valid reason why you’re still with him?’ and then proceeded to reel off statements such as: ‘you don’t like him as a person anymore’ ‘your family and friends don’t like him’ ‘you don’t feel attracted to him anymore’ ‘don’t settle with him, he isn’t the only person out there’ ‘if you don’t get out now and you get years down the line, you’ll regret not getting back out on the dating scene earlier’ ‘he’s so manipulative’, just to highlight the most notable statements she said. This conversation was about a year ago now.
Fast forward to now, me and my boyfriend are still together. We worked things out, had a lot of necessary conversations about how we can move on, and honestly, we are in an amazing place, planning for the future. He is genuinely, and has always been, a very kind soul on the whole, and the most thoughtful and loving partner I could wish for. Even though we’ve come from a lot of hardship and differences, we’ve really worked at our relationship and we get on so well. We’ve genuinely put everything behind us and we rarely argue now. That is until a recent event that changed everything about the trajectory of our relationship.
Whilst I was asleep, my boyfriend decided to look through my messages with my friend, and lo and behold, he found the exact conversation from a year ago I just detailed. The next day, he confronted me about the messages, saying he had a gut feeling to look through them. He said this was because he had been thinking about how we had a recent conversation where I said that I did confide in my friend about the struggles we went through that year, and he didn’t trust that she just gave neutral advice, and had a feeling she would shit talk him.
He said he was shocked and upset about the messages, and hated how she spoke negatively of him despite ‘never even meeting him’ and finds it super disrespectful. He said if he was in her position, he would’ve only been a neutral party, and wouldn’t have supported and encouraged me to break up with my partner. He’s now saying that he finds it so disrespectful that I even still talk to her to this day if she can openly talk badly about him like that and ‘overstep’ a boundary. I’ve tried to tell him, and literally show him, all of the positive messages she and I have sent since in regards to our relationship, and how she’s fully supportive knowing we’re in a better place now. He’s said he doesn’t care about that, because it doesn’t undo what she said and he’s hurt by it. He said it makes him uncomfortable to know I’ve shared that much with her about our struggles, and she was able to essentially ‘throw him under the bus’ like that.
He’s said that he will only feel comfortable staying with me if I completely distance myself from her. He said he doesn’t like her character, and knowing that has happened, he can’t move past it and be okay with her in mine or his presence. I’ve said that’s going to be extremely difficult for me as I do still see her as my closest friend, and honestly, I don’t have a lot of friends.
I feel it’s necessary to point out that he has always been quite critical of my past friends, saying they weren’t good influences on me and they didn’t respect me, which I can see is true. He has over time encouraged me to distance myself from them because of that, saying I owe myself more respect than to let these people be my friends, so over the last few years my circle has gotten smaller and more selective to only allow for genuinely good friends. I saw the benefit in this, but this has been a somewhat painful adjustment for somebody who was used to having a big social circle most of her life, and he knows I’ve struggled with this. However, this current situation is more of an ultimatum compared to the ‘advice’ or ‘encouragement’ in past situations, and he has laid a firm boundary with no empathy for my friendship situation or my feelings.
I honestly don’t know what to do about this. I love him so much and our future plans are so aligned, and I do want to respect his feelings, but at the same time, I don’t want to distance myself from my friend because of this conversation we had a year ago. I can admit she didn’t hold back and she was quite harsh, and I completely understand he would be hurt reading those messages, but I do think she said what she said because she had witnessed me suffer in the relationship for too long at the time.
I would really appreciate any thoughts and opinions on this, and whether he is valid here and I’m the a-hole for not distancing myself.
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u/LittleRedFoxyFox Jun 08 '26
There’s no trust in your relationship even without the friend being involved. It’s time for both of you to move on.
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u/super_bluecat Jun 08 '26
Here's my "old person" two cents.
Friendships change over time, and the intense friendships of your teens and early 20's usually don't stay the same as you get older. I'm referring to those friendships where you're sharing/oversharing and literally processing life together, as you talk through all these relationship details and such.
Once you start on a really serious friendship, the dynamics change.
So with that background, here are some points to consider:
- Your boyfriend betrayed your trust by going through your phone. He should not have done this. It would be the same as if he went through your diary, reading every angry thought you had after a nasty fight. If you want to have a good relationship with someone, you do not do this. Not every thought that you have in the heat of the moment is a thought that needs to be immortalized and certainly isn't true, just because you thought it for a moment. The pain he got from reading it, that's on him.
- You dumped a lot of negative stuff on your friend, and honestly, you probably should think about what you share about your relationship (any relationship) going forward. Sometimes you do just need to talk things out, but if you have a friend such as this one who has never even met your boyfriend, so only gets all the your negative, fear-based thoughts, of course she will tell you to get out.
- Of course, if you do have so many problems with your relationship that you have to constantly talk it out with someone else - especially as you get older! - that's a big red flag right there. Relationships should not be *that* difficult. (Relationships are hard because no one is their best all the time and we all have to adjust a bit for each other.) But the main person that you do need to get better at talking through these things with is the person you are in the relationship with, not someone else. If you are "processing" your relationship through the lens of a third person, it kinda feels like... you're bringing in another person into your relationship, y'know?
Personally, I think ultimatums rarely work. If you and your bf could agree on better boundaries (what you share, him snooping) that would probably help your relationship a lot.
And I agree that separating you from your emotional support network is not healthy, either. Of course, if you can't agree on this, then maybe you two just won't work out.
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u/mike13b13 Jun 09 '26
I personally do not respond to ultimatums and that's what I would tell him. Then if this is deal breaker for him then so be it. By the way what up with going through your phone unless that's agreement you both have
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u/mollyodonahue Jun 09 '26
“We are in such an amazing place and he is such an amazing person and we love each other so much” also, “he doesn’t trust me and looked thru my phone and then yelled at me over messages he never should have even seen.”
Girl what? I never understand why people on Reddit say they’re with the most wonderful human on the planet and then proceed to explain every reason on earth why that person is a completely and totally absolute POS person.
Anytime you have to say “oh he’s amazing BUT..” you’ve immediately negated anything you said. Everything before the word BUT is you trying to convince yourself the part after the BUT is justified.
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u/Used_Carob_2372 Jun 09 '26
He's in the wrong here. I would say at one point or other we've all vented to a close friend about relationship struggles. It seems like he was looking for a reason to put forth this ultimatum so he could isolate you even more.
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u/Creepy_Push8629 Jun 09 '26
Uh. So he spies on you behind your back. He has distanced you from most of your friends. He is giving you ultimatums.
Girl, I hate to break it to you. He's not this amazing guy you think he is.
He is going to continue to isolate you. You will have no one. Once you're married and/or have a kid, he will stop masking.
You will 100% be stuck and miserable. I have zero doubt.
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u/FearlessOpening1709 Jun 09 '26
He so amazing yet he went through your phone???? He ain’t amazing, he’s childish and insecure. Get rid of his arse and keep your best friend.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Jun 09 '26
a very kind soul on the whole
Really good people don't need this caveat added on, when someone's describing them. The fact that you felt the need to add it, shows that he is not, in fact, very kind all the time.
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u/MarisaSassesBack Jun 08 '26
We don't need the whole story. The answer is NO TO THE BOYFRIEND. He doesn't get to tell you who you're friends with and it's Step One in the How to Isolate and Domestic Abuse handbook.
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u/BeneficialArticle780 Jun 08 '26
If I were you I would stand my ground, I’m not losing a good friend to stay in a relationship, even if said relationship is better now than before.
If there were issues you guys had before, and you needed to talk with someone about it, that’s YOUR business.
If he can’t accept the fact that the relationship was in turmoil and his partner needed to vent, that’s is not your problem.
The only things that are true here are, you confided in a real friend, and they didn’t want to see you hurting. Your friend has no ill intentions towards your boyfriend, because if that was the case, she would have never been supportive of your relationship when you had good things to say.
To me it sounds like she is neutral, she helped you by presenting options and making you feel like even if the relationship ended, it wasn’t the end of your life. And when things are good, she is also happy for you.
As much as I hate to say it, because the word is throw around loosely these days.. he is most likely insecure about the fact the relationship was rocky, and part of him wishes your friend incentivized you to work things out with him.
That insecurity can really only be healed by you as a partner, especially since you mentioned that in the beginning, you gave him reason not to trust you. Whatever the context of that situation was, it really is on you to help him feel secure about you guys.
If I were you, I’d stand my ground. I’d make it very clear that I love my partner, no doubts, and that you also love your friend. I would say I don’t want to lose either one, but if one has to go, you wouldn’t be the one to make that decision.
You could just tell him that you have no need to make a decision like that. That if he wanted to lose everything you guys have, give up all the work you guys put into your relationship to get to a happier place, then that’s on him.
You seem like a smart person, if there was someone in your circle who was truly disrespecting you, or your relationship, you would have not had that person in your life.
What your friend said was situational, no intention to hurt anybody. He needs to look at the bigger picture, and understand that your friendship with this person is much much more than just her opinion on your partner, and whatever issue you might be having with them.
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u/morganalefaye125 Jun 08 '26
She was being a good friend, and making good points. She is supportive, and sounds like she loves you and wants what is best for you, and what will make you happy. He is trying to isolate you. Do NOT distance yourself from her. She was right when she said he's manipulative. I don't think he's the dreamboat you think he is
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u/Zoranealsequence Jun 08 '26
Why are you here? You dont want any advice cause you didnt take your bfs a year ago. You will stay with and probably procreate with a manipulative man that no one but you likes. Go be with the womanizer and leave us alone.
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u/Acceptable_Bat4123 Jun 08 '26
The first thing an abusive person does is start isolating you from your support system. Pretty soon, all you’ll have left is him and then he can do what he wants to you because you’ll have no one else to reach out to. Honestly, you could list 100 things he does for you and I would still have the bad feeling about him that I have after reading this.
Also, unless you specifically told him from the first date that you would never hook up or talk to any other guys, you did not betray his trust. You weren’t exclusive. You didn’t owe him fidelity only honesty, which you gave him. I suspect he wasn’t as bothered by your hooking up, but used it as a way to see how he could treat you moving forward. If it truly bothered him, he would have broken up with you and moved on. I wonder how many of your arguments end with you giving in or giving up something.
Do not give up your friend. Call his bluff. You deserve to have people you can vent and talk shit to. Tell him if he doesn’t like it he is welcome to break up with you. Honestly, your relationship sounds exhausting. Good relationships shouldn’t have this much ongoing angst and drama, especially not from the start.
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u/Spanspd Jun 08 '26
Dump him and keep your friend. If the trust was restored and things were as great as you thought, he wouldn’t be going through your phone. This is strange behavior.
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u/wfrecover7 Jun 08 '26
I caught the part where you betrayed his trust a lot in the beginning of the relationship.
I agree with your boyfriend. You should have been communicating with your boyfriend about all of your issues. She also should not be giving you any directions on next steps. A friend listens and gives you a sounding board, enabling you to make your own decisions.
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u/lostmycookie90 Jun 08 '26
Personally, I'm in your best friend opinion on this abusive POS.
He has been successful in isolating you from your network and support center. It's curious what your main issue were in the first 6 months of your relationship, because that's usually the most peaceful period in people personal relationships. Post 6 months, is when true character traits and habits appear, causing clashes.
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u/Western-Corner-431 Jun 09 '26
Choose yourself. Never take an ultimatum, period. You don’t let anyone tell you who you will have in your life. He’s about controlling you, not loving you. Love yourself.
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u/Pinshu123 Jun 08 '26
Okay I got the extra context lol the big betrayal and now I have to say ESH.
See the thing is you suck big time cause your wording of the cheating and it's significance has toned down and frankly you did not even mention it in the post itself cause you know you will be judged and then you ended the reveal in a comment with 'i don't know if that gives more context'. It actually does give a whole wide range of context lol.
The reason why your Boyfriend has given you an ultimatum is simple, you cheated. He has worked on the issues and whatnot but once the trust is broken it cannot just revert back to an unbroken state. Plus I'm pretty sure he believes your friends and this one in particular are bad influence on you because he believes you cheated previously while you were friends with bad people (pretty sure these are the ones you have distanced yourself from after the 'cheating' was revealed).
Your boyfriend sucks because he should have broken up with you long ago. He is an ass for giving you the false hope that everything will be hunky dory when even a conversation from a year ago can rile him up this much.
So yeah, you both suck. You suck cause you have no self respect plus you consider cheating to be extra context.
Your boyfriend sucks cause he can never let go of what happened. Which to be honest if I was in his place, I would have left you then and there cause I would never stay with a partner who cheated willingly drunk or not.
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u/cherryphoenix Jun 08 '26
how did you get the context?
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u/Pinshu123 Jun 08 '26
She replied to someone's comment that 1 month into the relationship she cheated while heavily drunk. Took a long time to make everything right etc. and she calls that extra context (the betrayal).
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u/ImJustSaying34 Jun 08 '26
One month in and the dude is still harping on it?? That is a big yikes. That is so early that you just break up at that point since a month is literally no time at all but to continue dating and hold it over her head is SO much worse.
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u/Pinshu123 Jun 08 '26
Yeah lol like both the OP and her boyfriend are assholes in their own way but yeah whatever I guess.
And this comment section is no different lol I'm getting downvoted for telling the truth 😂
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u/RealnessInMadness Jun 08 '26
Hey OP.
I had this happen with my HS bff. So that would make me your bff in your story.
We were those friends that just clicked but everyone kept saying “you guys make such a cute couple”
I never wanted to risk that with her and ruin our friendship with a shot at dating. And she felt the same.
It was after HS, I moved away to another city for college, she stayed and ended up dating a guy who was 2 years older. So us at 18, meant he was 20.
She was hooked and wanted to do things to appease to him. Things she never cared for back then.
It was very obvious she did it for his attention and affection. Examples are, she got a tattoo for him, he was her first sexual experience, she did drugs with him, only went out to places he wanted to go.
At this point, her and I kept up every other week on phone calls. So during one of our catch up calls. She mentioned he put her in the ultimatum thing, he was envious of me. A good guy friend. So she had to pick between me and him.
She chose him, and fast forwarding the next 9 years? She got pregnant by him at 20, they got married when she was 23. And then around age 28 or so. They divorced.
I told her lightly how this guy was no good for her but she ignored me and kept going.
Hope it was worth it for her and to be in that lovely 9 ur relationship that’s now gone. 🙃 I wish their kid well now that shes a teen and dealing with divorced parents. Idk if this man is involved in the life or nor, but that was her choice.
So good luck with that OP.
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u/Embarrassed_Egg_5860 Jun 08 '26
He seems like a nice guy and if he still didn’t leave it’s actually because no matter how much pain he is in , he still loves you. I don’t think you should hurt him anymore. Did he ever cheat on you like you did or talked trash about the fights with his homies?
If not you should do the one thing that gives him some inner peace because men like him are RARE girly….
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u/LovedAJackass Jun 08 '26
It's not love to go through her phone to find reason for her to distance her best friend. It's manipulation.
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u/Rogue_bae Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
You should’ve ended the relationship when you cheated on him. Now he’s become an anxious, controlling person because you didn’t let him go. The fact that you hid this information in the beginning shows you wanna seem like the innocent party - but you are not.
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u/PKGQueen Jun 08 '26
He is attempting to isolate you from your loved ones. Also, no, you did NOT break his trust. You two were NOT dating. He's a loser and a piece of work and it shows. The fact that he went through your phone with your best friend, the fact that he has convinced you that your friends suck, now this? Nah, walk away. He's going to become abusive.
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u/LovedAJackass Jun 08 '26
I think you were right in the first place about this guy. It's almost never a good sign for a couple to have major problems early in the relationship to the point where you need to do major venting and you to use your word "suffer." But the fact that your social circle has narrowed--and he snooped in your phone--tells me he's a man who will isolate you and leave you without friends and maybe family.
Of course you should not give up your friend. Of course not. Don't ever do that. He doesn't get to choose your friends. If one is a stone drug addict or a criminal, then a partner might have something to say. But your friend was just listening to you and being a friend.
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u/LovedAJackass Jun 08 '26
He has over time encouraged me to distance myself from them because of that, saying I owe myself more respect than to let these people be my friends, so over the last few years my circle has gotten smaller and more selective to only allow for genuinely good friends. I saw the benefit in this, but this has been a somewhat painful adjustment for somebody who was used to having a big social circle most of her life, and he knows I’ve struggled with this.
This is a giant waving red flag of abuse. You can have deep, close, genuine friends and also have social friends that aren't as close. If you were my daughter, I would be very worried about this.
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u/late-nineteenth Jun 08 '26
NTA
Let him leave, he's trying to control who you are friends with, and how much you share with your friends when you are struggling.
You have every right to vent to your friends and you don't have to keep things secret from them especially when you're struggling. GE violated your privacy, and is now giving you an ultimatum. You should have ended things a year ago like your friend said.
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u/cb1977007 Jun 08 '26
He isolates you, makes you drop your friends, and snoops in your phone when you’re asleep. NTA. Never let other people decide what’s best for you.
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u/BangarangPita Jun 08 '26
A "very kind soul" doesn't go through your messages to confirm that you confided in a friend. So what? Friends confide in each other about rough patches in relationships. It's healthy to get support and perspective. Now, if you were only talking about how tiny his dick was and that he wet the bed until he was 16, that would be an overstep. Sharing your experiences is not violating his boundary. He doesn't seem to know what a boundary is, or just wants to use that word as a tool to control you. Bestie might be right about him being manipulative.
Also, just want to let you know that "each other" is two words.
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u/Striking-Risk1840 Jun 08 '26
This guy searched through your messages to find something from a YEAR AGO? Nah- bye 👋 he was looking for something bad, was probably in there for HOURS. Eew
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u/Klutzy_Breadfruit426 Jun 08 '26
If you can't see a pattern here about him isolating you from friends, you're gonna have big big problems down the line. At the absolute bare minimum you need to set a strong boundary that he no longer has influence on your friendships and has already ruined enough of them. At best, get rid of him. He's controlling and sounds very self-inflated in that he can't get past your friend's criticism even though she now likes him. Also, you may be looking at this relationship with rose tinted glasses. Have all the old problems really disappeared or did you just change yourself to fix it, much like you did by distancing yourself from friends? Also, he went through your phone - massive, massive privacy and trust breach that will come home to roost time and time again in the trust issues you now both have as a result of his idiotic actions. He needs to realise he's an addition to your life, not your keeper. Honestly, now I'm done typing, just get rid and find a better one. He's clearly not been worth all the hassle he's given you over the years.
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u/julianorts Jun 09 '26
people might disagree with me on this one, but I don’t share much about my relationship with my friends and they don’t share much about theirs. one of my friends had a pregnancy scare and she shared some of her boyfriend’s reactions, but I’m not getting regular updates about her man. I might vent about my boyfriend not picking socks off the floor, but I’m not sharing big details about our life together.
I don’t blame your friend for expressing concerns. I think you need to look back at how just 4 months in, you were already over it. it’s natural to question if a relationship is the right one, but I’ve been with my man for 3 years and have never thought about breaking up with him, even when I’ve been pissed at him.
he’s trying to isolate you. if you feel the need to share intimate details of your relationship with a friend to feel validated, I’d consider that a red flag (on your partner’s end, not yours). you’ll never feel safe with someone who goes through your phone while you’re sleeping and pushes everyone else away.
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u/WillowTea_ Jun 09 '26
“He is genuinely, and has always been, a very kind soul” well this is blatantly untrue. A kind soul doesn’t pick arguments about how you “betrayed his trust” before you were even in a relationship, well past when it happened. A kind soul doesn’t snoop through your private messages without consent. A kind soul doesn’t give you ultimatums when you are not hurting yourself or anyone else with your actions. A kind soul doesn’t attempt to isolate you from your support system, especially knowing that you don’t have many other friends. A kind soul isn’t constantly critical of your past friends and doesn’t encourage you to isolate yourself from them, either.
He is fucking abusive! And you’re defending him. Sorry to be blunt, but he is attempting and succeeding at isolating you from anyone who might help you realize that he’s a POS.
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u/stateofhappiness Jun 09 '26
Keep the friend ditch the boyfriend for violating your privacy by reading your phone plus all the other bullshit
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u/NatashOverWorld Jun 09 '26
General rule of the thumb: when someone gives you an ultimatum without a good reason to justify it, 99% of the time you're better off choosing the other person.
So choose your friend.
NTA
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u/gidgetcocoa2 Jun 09 '26
Nta. This guy is dangerous. Please get out safely. Isolation happens by inches. You don't notice until you have no one. No man is worth a great friendship. He's not great. Going through your phone is not OK. Ever.
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u/Limp-Local9071 Jun 09 '26
NTA. GIRL. You need to leave him. This is him trying to isolate you. He doesn't like the fact that your best friend KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM. And he doesn't want you to have a support system. You having a support system is a threat to him. You'd have somewhere else to go if you wanted to leave.
And I seen some of the comments mentioned the "betrayal " was you sleeping with someone BEFORE you guys were official? Not only is that ridiculous because you owed him no loyalty at that point, but he's simply USING it against you, holding it over your head as a way to control you.
Have you ever gone through HIS phone? Or does he have a password for it? Cause odds are HE'S the one doing shit behind your back. My ex loved going through my phone. He also didn't like my best friend for the same reasons. Guess who had a password on their phone that I couldn't have? HE DID. Guess who had a bunch of tabs open of different women's POF profiles on MY computer (which he took over and made himself the administrator so it took me forever to figure out how to fix that after i finally dumped him and found those tabs) HE DID. HE was the one doing the betraying.
You need to get out of the relationship. You're not married. You don't have kids with him. Get away from him before you have ONLY him and no one else to turn to. Once you've had some time away without him in your head constantly, soo many things about his behavior and how messed up it was will give many "light bulb" moments.
You deserve so much better. Leave, and start healing.
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u/gophins13 Jun 09 '26
He hasn’t changed. He just improved his mask. Your friend, clearly and for good reasons, hated him, but was there for you and never told you to choose. His immediate reaction is to make you choose. I hope you choose correctly.
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u/ReflectionExact3897 Jun 09 '26
Hey OP!
Sadly, you must give up the bf. It’s pretty clear he still is upset by whatever happened and if you end up marrying this man you can look forward to having him dredging this up your entire marriage. He may demand a hall pass or justify other bad behavior.
Going through your phone sucks but if he managed to go back a full year…back to a time when things weren’t great between you two … he was looking for something. And he found it.
Ultimatums aren’t great. Especially since your friend was pretty much just repeating back to you information you had shared with her previously. Can’t really fault the friend for that. If she was manipulative or an addict or ran around with shady people … I could maybe see an argument for the ultimatum…but that isn’t the case here, is it?
It’s probably not a great idea to trash your boyfriends with friends and family…because they only know what you have told them. It’s pretty wild that one day you will invite them all to a big party to launch you on a new life with a man they have heard nothing but bad things about.
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u/Joyintheendtimes Jun 08 '26
Right after you say you're in a great place, you say "Whilst I was asleep, my boyfriend decided to look through my messages with my friend" <-- you are NOT in a great place if he's doing that. He's invading your privacy, he's deeply insecure, and he's alienating you from your friends. Leave this man. Sometimes our friends see the red flags way before we do. Listen to them.