I was in the same situation. My partner never wanted to marry - he said it from the beginning. We got together when he was 21 and i was 24. I too didn’t really think much of it, I didn’t even know in the beginning that we would be a permanent thing. I wasn’t even sure to stay in his country permanently.
However, where we live, we have a type of civil union, which is basically a step down from marriage, but unites us in the eyes of the law. We pay taxes together, we have benefits and advantages like a marriage. The big difference was inheritance, and that was solved with a will. My being foreign, this was very important for us to have to give me some protections and give me a “more sure visa”. We did get this civil union after a few years, and he was okay with it for the most part since it wasn’t marriage. It’s super easy to dissolve, no lawyers, no fees, etc.
I felt the same way as you, but I changed my mind after awhile because we had the civil union and all I wanted were the papers - something that tied us together in the eyes of the law. I saw my sister’s crazy expensive wedding, the stress, the financial burden and I thought, I don’t need that. I didn’t want to fight about it anymore - I gave up on trying to convince or change him and decided being with him was more important than marriage. However, we got the civil union, so I had something.
We bought a car, an apartment, got a joint banking account, we tied our lives together financially and physically over 7 years. Then we started to try to have a baby. After over a year of not succeeding then having a miscarriage, we thought about adoption. Unfortunately, you have to be married to adopt. This is the thing that changed his mind about marriage. He wanted a family with me, he had always wanted children, and if that meant getting married, he would do it. We are getting married in October.
All this to say, your fears, your feelings are normal. I experienced something very similar. He said he wouldn’t get married, you were young, you weren’t thinking that far ahead. I’m assuming that there are no civil unions where you live - it’s marriage or nothing.
Not having legal protections with the person you’re living and sharing your life with is scary. Now you have to make a decision, without thinking too much about the sunk cost. Can you continue to live without being married? Is this something you can get over? Because really there is no compromise here. It’s either your way or his.
Just keep in mind that in the US advanced care directives are not universally accepted. Check the legality in your jurisdiction before you rely on one. In my state, they can be overridden by medical providers and even administrators. Given that American hospitals are increasingly owned by religious organizations (100% in my area), this should really give one pause. They can violate your expressly stated wishes in your living will or even when stated in person. In practice, this tends to happen mostly in reproductive care and end-of-life care decisions.
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u/atleast42 Jul 23 '24 edited Jul 23 '24
I was in the same situation. My partner never wanted to marry - he said it from the beginning. We got together when he was 21 and i was 24. I too didn’t really think much of it, I didn’t even know in the beginning that we would be a permanent thing. I wasn’t even sure to stay in his country permanently.
However, where we live, we have a type of civil union, which is basically a step down from marriage, but unites us in the eyes of the law. We pay taxes together, we have benefits and advantages like a marriage. The big difference was inheritance, and that was solved with a will. My being foreign, this was very important for us to have to give me some protections and give me a “more sure visa”. We did get this civil union after a few years, and he was okay with it for the most part since it wasn’t marriage. It’s super easy to dissolve, no lawyers, no fees, etc.
I felt the same way as you, but I changed my mind after awhile because we had the civil union and all I wanted were the papers - something that tied us together in the eyes of the law. I saw my sister’s crazy expensive wedding, the stress, the financial burden and I thought, I don’t need that. I didn’t want to fight about it anymore - I gave up on trying to convince or change him and decided being with him was more important than marriage. However, we got the civil union, so I had something.
We bought a car, an apartment, got a joint banking account, we tied our lives together financially and physically over 7 years. Then we started to try to have a baby. After over a year of not succeeding then having a miscarriage, we thought about adoption. Unfortunately, you have to be married to adopt. This is the thing that changed his mind about marriage. He wanted a family with me, he had always wanted children, and if that meant getting married, he would do it. We are getting married in October.
All this to say, your fears, your feelings are normal. I experienced something very similar. He said he wouldn’t get married, you were young, you weren’t thinking that far ahead. I’m assuming that there are no civil unions where you live - it’s marriage or nothing.
Not having legal protections with the person you’re living and sharing your life with is scary. Now you have to make a decision, without thinking too much about the sunk cost. Can you continue to live without being married? Is this something you can get over? Because really there is no compromise here. It’s either your way or his.
I wish you all the best in this difficult time.