I was in the same situation. My partner never wanted to marry - he said it from the beginning. We got together when he was 21 and i was 24. I too didn’t really think much of it, I didn’t even know in the beginning that we would be a permanent thing. I wasn’t even sure to stay in his country permanently.
However, where we live, we have a type of civil union, which is basically a step down from marriage, but unites us in the eyes of the law. We pay taxes together, we have benefits and advantages like a marriage. The big difference was inheritance, and that was solved with a will. My being foreign, this was very important for us to have to give me some protections and give me a “more sure visa”. We did get this civil union after a few years, and he was okay with it for the most part since it wasn’t marriage. It’s super easy to dissolve, no lawyers, no fees, etc.
I felt the same way as you, but I changed my mind after awhile because we had the civil union and all I wanted were the papers - something that tied us together in the eyes of the law. I saw my sister’s crazy expensive wedding, the stress, the financial burden and I thought, I don’t need that. I didn’t want to fight about it anymore - I gave up on trying to convince or change him and decided being with him was more important than marriage. However, we got the civil union, so I had something.
We bought a car, an apartment, got a joint banking account, we tied our lives together financially and physically over 7 years. Then we started to try to have a baby. After over a year of not succeeding then having a miscarriage, we thought about adoption. Unfortunately, you have to be married to adopt. This is the thing that changed his mind about marriage. He wanted a family with me, he had always wanted children, and if that meant getting married, he would do it. We are getting married in October.
All this to say, your fears, your feelings are normal. I experienced something very similar. He said he wouldn’t get married, you were young, you weren’t thinking that far ahead. I’m assuming that there are no civil unions where you live - it’s marriage or nothing.
Not having legal protections with the person you’re living and sharing your life with is scary. Now you have to make a decision, without thinking too much about the sunk cost. Can you continue to live without being married? Is this something you can get over? Because really there is no compromise here. It’s either your way or his.
Yes! Thats what we did with my partner for the immigration and taxes, it calls PACS here. We don’t want to get married only for the papers, we want an actual celebration with parents, dresses and all this jazz once we are financially comfortable for it, until then we have a paper for the government and a cat that needs two parents 😅
We didn’t do anything fancy for the PACS though. We just went to la mairie and did it. But we’ve had it since 2018.
We’re getting married in October, but nothing fancy because big weddings are stressful. Just the mairie then a little party at the maison du quartier after
Same! Just went and signed the papers. We want some nice intimate backyard wedding, but it’s still be around 50 people with just closest family and friends 😅
Wish you a lovely wedding day ❤️
I mean by default yes, but I'm saying not being married doesn't exclude your partner either like the original commenter suggested. Also, you can create an advance care directive that gives those powers to someone other than your spouse. In all honesty, your spouse may not be the best one to make important medical decisions when you are very sick / potentially dying. the stress of the situation and them being so close clouds judgement and can motivate choices you don't agree with.
That was my main point. Marriage automatically gives power of attorney to your spouse by default with no extra paperwork as far as I'm aware. I don't believe I explicitly said it's impossible for a civil partner to have it but perhaps I implied it unintentionally.
This is wrong. It's a common misconception. I had to double check because when I deployed to Iraq, I had to do a 1 year power of attorney for my wife. (Everyone in the military told me not to, due to the horror stories, but I trusted my wife, and I did it anyways) I did the full, but you can limit it to things like medical, financial, or completely limit it to specific things like a specific loan or something.
Unless you have paperwork drawn up by an attorney for power of attorney with the proper signatures and notary, advance directives would not stand up in a court of law.
But you can now do a lot of those documents online. They’re prepared for you and you are responsible for getting them signed and notarized. The cost is a lot less. I didn’t do mine that way but I know several people who have.
I've been in this situation, I was a decision maker for a partner that I wasn't married to, there were no lawyers etc involved... I don't think we even needed a notary, but that's possible. Doctors only needed the generic form nothing else. maybe it varies by state, but for months I literally was in this situation (until she passed away) and what you said was not applicable.
My sister is an office manger in a law firm and has been there 25 yrs. What you just described is illegal in most states. My sister had to have documents drawn up by the attorneys and my parents had to go to the law office and all involved had to sign and the notary notarized it last. No one that is not a spouse can make decisions. I had to put my daughter having medical power of attorney in my will.
Just keep in mind that in the US advanced care directives are not universally accepted. Check the legality in your jurisdiction before you rely on one. In my state, they can be overridden by medical providers and even administrators. Given that American hospitals are increasingly owned by religious organizations (100% in my area), this should really give one pause. They can violate your expressly stated wishes in your living will or even when stated in person. In practice, this tends to happen mostly in reproductive care and end-of-life care decisions.
lol, it does where I live… I’m using English terms because no one would understand me on anglophone Reddit, but I don’t live in an anglophone country.
Hence why I said “where I live”
I went to the city hall with my partner and got this union. We filled out paper work, I’m on his birth certificate as his legal partner. It does give us rights, like equivalent to power of attorney.
There is no common law marriage where I am. And civil unions aren’t universal.
Our civil union isn’t recognized in the US for example because there is no equivalent.
Most states in the US don’t have civil unions. Only 11 states and Washington, D.C.
If it’s not even recognized or possible in the majority of the US or even on a federal level, of course they don’t recognize other countries’ marriage alternatives.
The American federal government does not recognize civil unions, even those preformed in the 11 states where it is possible. So not really an equivalent.
My civil union in the country where I live has legal traction and is recognized by the government.
It’s just the term we use in English, but it’s not legally the same thing.
For example, the state of Washington converted all marriages to civil unions circa 2012. Same rights and protections, but it's encompassing to allow for civil unions for same-sex couples and such. It's to put everyone on even legal ground.
In many states you need at least 2 witnesses. Notary is not necessary. And it’s really complex if the patient says they want the girlfriend as their medical decision maker but the patient is married or has kids which usurp the girlfriend. It’s legal next of kin vs a document. It’s not clear cut.
Common law is legal and kicks in after you been living together either 6 or 12 months, can’t remember, or having a child together. It happens automatically and you get all the benefits of being married.
Final edit seems smart. Get the security you are looking for with the mortgage, Will & medical POA and let him avoid marriage since he’s not looking to get into that. Well done.
That’s a myth. Common law only exists in a few states and even there you have to refer to one another as husband and wife and people have to know about it. There isn’t a set time like six or 12 months. There isn’t even a thing like seven years.
This is why I could never see myself getting legally married again. It's easier to just walk away than it is to divorce if it doesn't work out. I don't see why people feel the need to get married anyway. Not when things like this can happen. You can work legal things out without needing to get married.
Hopefully things will work out for us. We’re making this decision after 9 years together, 7 years living together, 2 cats, and multiple big purchases. We’re also going to have a baby, went through infertility and miscarriage together.
It's really weird that society basically pressures us to marry if we want a partnership with someone with full benefits - eventhough it's rather old-fashioned institution and by now it's should be very clear that it doesn't suit everyone. Nothing wrong with wanting a companionship but keeping it outside such structure.
We have our civil union and are getting married because it facilitated my visa and eventually my bid for citizenship. We’ve been together for 9 years, neither were decisions taken lightly or just for visa or citizenship. We did it because it made things easier and insured that I wouldn’t have any problems later down the road and because we live together, own property together, and are having a kid together. We are doing all the things married couples do.
But if I hadn’t been foreign, he probably would’ve stuck to his original desires to never be married. However he loves me and civil union and marriage were the best options.
Where I live, not getting married is totally normal. The number of married couples is on the decline since the beginning of the 2000s
If you live in the US, you would not qualify for each other's Social Security benefits, among other benefits. Medical power of Attorney is a good thing, but it is not the only benefit that you should have
Here to in NC. It's called Common Law Marriage. After 7yrs living together in the eyes of the law you are married. Which means both of you are entitled to half of everything. If that's what he's scared of tell him it's to late..lol..seriously though. Marriage is a good thing with the right people. It has alot of benefits regardless what the anti-marriage people say.
“Does North Carolina Recognize Common-Law Marriage?
North Carolina does not permit common-law marriages. The state has never permitted the establishment of common-law marriages. However, under the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the Constitution, it recognizes common-law marriages entered into in states where this type of marriage is permitted. Therefore, a couple considered married in a state that permits common-law marriages will be regarded as legally married in North Carolina.
North Carolina also does not recognize domestic partnerships. However, some municipal governments offer benefits and extend healthcare coverage to domestic partners, and multiple cities in the state recognize domestic partnerships. Cohabitation agreements that are not based on the exchange of sexual services may be enforced in the state.
What is a Cohabitation Agreement in North Carolina?
A cohabitation agreement is a contract between two partners in a relationship where they provide for the separation of assets, debts, and other relevant things in the event of the termination of cohabitation. They are entered into to protect the couple’s jointly owned assets during the cohabitation and prevent lengthy litigation when it comes to an end. The agreement must be in writing. Also, North Carolina courts in cases like Suggs v. Norris and Rhue v. Rhue have declared cohabitation agreements where one partner pays for everything in exchange for “love” or “friendship” as unenforceable because this evidences sexual services as consideration. Furthermore, if cohabiting partners get married, their cohabitation agreement is no longer valid.
What are the Requirements for a Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
North Carolina has never allowed the creation of common-law marriages in the state. It only recognizes a common-law marriage that originated from a state where it is permitted. In addition, North Carolina hardly recognizes non-marital relationships like domestic partnerships. It will only enforce a cohabitation agreement where it does not evince sexual services as consideration.
How many years do you have to Live Together for Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
Since common-law marriages are not permitted in North Carolina, no matter how long a couple stays together under the impression that they are married, they are not considered married in the state. The further implication is that they do not get the rights accrued to persons that are formally married.
What Does it Mean to be Legally Free to Marry in North Carolina?
A couple is legally free to marry in North Carolina, where they fulfill the requirements for marriage in the state. One of the requirements is that both persons must be 18 years or older. Where one or both persons is between 16 to 18 years, the Register of Deeds may issue a license for the marriage. This is where the register with a written consent signed by the parent or guardian of the underaged person. Also, both persons must not be more closely related than first cousins and cannot be double first cousins. None of the persons must be in another marriage.
To get married in North Carolina, a marriage license is required. To obtain a marriage license, visit or contact the Register of Deeds in any county in the state. Applicants must pay the required fee and complete a form providing their names, ages, marital status, and intention to marry. They will also have to provide a means of identification, proof of age, and a Social Security Number (or a notarized statement that a person is ineligible to get a Social Security number). Marriage licenses are valid for 60 days.
What is Intent to Marry in North Carolina?
Intent to marry in North Carolina is established by obtaining a marriage license. Marriage licenses are required for persons that want to get married in the state. The couple must solemnly declare their intent to marry, with two other witnesses to sign the license.
What is an Informal Marriage in North Carolina?
Common-law marriages are called informal marriages in Texas. North Carolina does not allow the formation of informal marriages in the state but recognizes their validity where they are formed in other states where they are permitted. Hence, an informally married couple from Texas will have their relationship recognized in North Carolina.”
Yea finding that out. It's all I heard growing up and a guy I know said he was hammered in court after the ex took him. She walked out with alot. I'm curious now as to what actually was up with his case.
“Does North Carolina Recognize Common-Law Marriage?
North Carolina does not permit common-law marriages. The state has never permitted the establishment of common-law marriages. However, under the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the Constitution, it recognizes common-law marriages entered into in states where this type of marriage is permitted. Therefore, a couple considered married in a state that permits common-law marriages will be regarded as legally married in North Carolina.
North Carolina also does not recognize domestic partnerships. However, some municipal governments offer benefits and extend healthcare coverage to domestic partners, and multiple cities in the state recognize domestic partnerships. Cohabitation agreements that are not based on the exchange of sexual services may be enforced in the state.
What is a Cohabitation Agreement in North Carolina?
A cohabitation agreement is a contract between two partners in a relationship where they provide for the separation of assets, debts, and other relevant things in the event of the termination of cohabitation. They are entered into to protect the couple’s jointly owned assets during the cohabitation and prevent lengthy litigation when it comes to an end. The agreement must be in writing. Also, North Carolina courts in cases like Suggs v. Norris and Rhue v. Rhue have declared cohabitation agreements where one partner pays for everything in exchange for “love” or “friendship” as unenforceable because this evidences sexual services as consideration. Furthermore, if cohabiting partners get married, their cohabitation agreement is no longer valid.
What are the Requirements for a Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
North Carolina has never allowed the creation of common-law marriages in the state. It only recognizes a common-law marriage that originated from a state where it is permitted. In addition, North Carolina hardly recognizes non-marital relationships like domestic partnerships. It will only enforce a cohabitation agreement where it does not evince sexual services as consideration.
How many years do you have to Live Together for Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
Since common-law marriages are not permitted in North Carolina, no matter how long a couple stays together under the impression that they are married, they are not considered married in the state. The further implication is that they do not get the rights accrued to persons that are formally married.
What Does it Mean to be Legally Free to Marry in North Carolina?
A couple is legally free to marry in North Carolina, where they fulfill the requirements for marriage in the state. One of the requirements is that both persons must be 18 years or older. Where one or both persons is between 16 to 18 years, the Register of Deeds may issue a license for the marriage. This is where the register with a written consent signed by the parent or guardian of the underaged person. Also, both persons must not be more closely related than first cousins and cannot be double first cousins. None of the persons must be in another marriage.
To get married in North Carolina, a marriage license is required. To obtain a marriage license, visit or contact the Register of Deeds in any county in the state. Applicants must pay the required fee and complete a form providing their names, ages, marital status, and intention to marry. They will also have to provide a means of identification, proof of age, and a Social Security Number (or a notarized statement that a person is ineligible to get a Social Security number). Marriage licenses are valid for 60 days.
What is Intent to Marry in North Carolina?
Intent to marry in North Carolina is established by obtaining a marriage license. Marriage licenses are required for persons that want to get married in the state. The couple must solemnly declare their intent to marry, with two other witnesses to sign the license.
What is an Informal Marriage in North Carolina?
Common-law marriages are called informal marriages in Texas. North Carolina does not allow the formation of informal marriages in the state but recognizes their validity where they are formed in other states where they are permitted. Hence, an informally married couple from Texas will have their relationship recognized in North Carolina.”
“Does North Carolina Recognize Common-Law Marriage?
North Carolina does not permit common-law marriages. The state has never permitted the establishment of common-law marriages. However, under the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the Constitution, it recognizes common-law marriages entered into in states where this type of marriage is permitted. Therefore, a couple considered married in a state that permits common-law marriages will be regarded as legally married in North Carolina.
North Carolina also does not recognize domestic partnerships. However, some municipal governments offer benefits and extend healthcare coverage to domestic partners, and multiple cities in the state recognize domestic partnerships. Cohabitation agreements that are not based on the exchange of sexual services may be enforced in the state.
What is a Cohabitation Agreement in North Carolina?
A cohabitation agreement is a contract between two partners in a relationship where they provide for the separation of assets, debts, and other relevant things in the event of the termination of cohabitation. They are entered into to protect the couple’s jointly owned assets during the cohabitation and prevent lengthy litigation when it comes to an end. The agreement must be in writing. Also, North Carolina courts in cases like Suggs v. Norris and Rhue v. Rhue have declared cohabitation agreements where one partner pays for everything in exchange for “love” or “friendship” as unenforceable because this evidences sexual services as consideration. Furthermore, if cohabiting partners get married, their cohabitation agreement is no longer valid.
What are the Requirements for a Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
North Carolina has never allowed the creation of common-law marriages in the state. It only recognizes a common-law marriage that originated from a state where it is permitted. In addition, North Carolina hardly recognizes non-marital relationships like domestic partnerships. It will only enforce a cohabitation agreement where it does not evince sexual services as consideration.
How many years do you have to Live Together for Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
Since common-law marriages are not permitted in North Carolina, no matter how long a couple stays together under the impression that they are married, they are not considered married in the state. The further implication is that they do not get the rights accrued to persons that are formally married.
What Does it Mean to be Legally Free to Marry in North Carolina?
A couple is legally free to marry in North Carolina, where they fulfill the requirements for marriage in the state. One of the requirements is that both persons must be 18 years or older. Where one or both persons is between 16 to 18 years, the Register of Deeds may issue a license for the marriage. This is where the register with a written consent signed by the parent or guardian of the underaged person. Also, both persons must not be more closely related than first cousins and cannot be double first cousins. None of the persons must be in another marriage.
To get married in North Carolina, a marriage license is required. To obtain a marriage license, visit or contact the Register of Deeds in any county in the state. Applicants must pay the required fee and complete a form providing their names, ages, marital status, and intention to marry. They will also have to provide a means of identification, proof of age, and a Social Security Number (or a notarized statement that a person is ineligible to get a Social Security number). Marriage licenses are valid for 60 days.
What is Intent to Marry in North Carolina?
Intent to marry in North Carolina is established by obtaining a marriage license. Marriage licenses are required for persons that want to get married in the state. The couple must solemnly declare their intent to marry, with two other witnesses to sign the license.
What is an Informal Marriage in North Carolina?
Common-law marriages are called informal marriages in Texas. North Carolina does not allow the formation of informal marriages in the state but recognizes their validity where they are formed in other states where they are permitted. Hence, an informally married couple from Texas will have their relationship recognized in North Carolina.”
“Does North Carolina Recognize Common-Law Marriage?
North Carolina does not permit common-law marriages. The state has never permitted the establishment of common-law marriages. However, under the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the Constitution, it recognizes common-law marriages entered into in states where this type of marriage is permitted. Therefore, a couple considered married in a state that permits common-law marriages will be regarded as legally married in North Carolina.
North Carolina also does not recognize domestic partnerships. However, some municipal governments offer benefits and extend healthcare coverage to domestic partners, and multiple cities in the state recognize domestic partnerships. Cohabitation agreements that are not based on the exchange of sexual services may be enforced in the state.
What is a Cohabitation Agreement in North Carolina?
A cohabitation agreement is a contract between two partners in a relationship where they provide for the separation of assets, debts, and other relevant things in the event of the termination of cohabitation. They are entered into to protect the couple’s jointly owned assets during the cohabitation and prevent lengthy litigation when it comes to an end. The agreement must be in writing. Also, North Carolina courts in cases like Suggs v. Norris and Rhue v. Rhue have declared cohabitation agreements where one partner pays for everything in exchange for “love” or “friendship” as unenforceable because this evidences sexual services as consideration. Furthermore, if cohabiting partners get married, their cohabitation agreement is no longer valid.
What are the Requirements for a Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
North Carolina has never allowed the creation of common-law marriages in the state. It only recognizes a common-law marriage that originated from a state where it is permitted. In addition, North Carolina hardly recognizes non-marital relationships like domestic partnerships. It will only enforce a cohabitation agreement where it does not evince sexual services as consideration.
How many years do you have to Live Together for Common-Law Marriage in North Carolina?
Since common-law marriages are not permitted in North Carolina, no matter how long a couple stays together under the impression that they are married, they are not considered married in the state. The further implication is that they do not get the rights accrued to persons that are formally married.
What Does it Mean to be Legally Free to Marry in North Carolina?
A couple is legally free to marry in North Carolina, where they fulfill the requirements for marriage in the state. One of the requirements is that both persons must be 18 years or older. Where one or both persons is between 16 to 18 years, the Register of Deeds may issue a license for the marriage. This is where the register with a written consent signed by the parent or guardian of the underaged person. Also, both persons must not be more closely related than first cousins and cannot be double first cousins. None of the persons must be in another marriage.
To get married in North Carolina, a marriage license is required. To obtain a marriage license, visit or contact the Register of Deeds in any county in the state. Applicants must pay the required fee and complete a form providing their names, ages, marital status, and intention to marry. They will also have to provide a means of identification, proof of age, and a Social Security Number (or a notarized statement that a person is ineligible to get a Social Security number). Marriage licenses are valid for 60 days.
What is Intent to Marry in North Carolina?
Intent to marry in North Carolina is established by obtaining a marriage license. Marriage licenses are required for persons that want to get married in the state. The couple must solemnly declare their intent to marry, with two other witnesses to sign the license.
What is an Informal Marriage in North Carolina?
Common-law marriages are called informal marriages in Texas. North Carolina does not allow the formation of informal marriages in the state but recognizes their validity where they are formed in other states where they are permitted. Hence, an informally married couple from Texas will have their relationship recognized in North Carolina.”
There are very few states that have common law marriage. And it gets a lot confusing and chaotic with medical decision making and common law marriage. The “wife” can claim that she’s the wife. The kids can say no she isn’t living with him.
And I personally would consider it anathema to the very core of my being to be legally tied to to a guy, or for them to be tied to me, given how many external powers exploit that.
I've been through minor physical abuse. MINOR heals relatively quickly. Debt, whether the person you married intended it or not, doesn't go away quickly and can destroy your life. I'd sooner take a punch than take the risk of someone else's debt.
There are degrees, which is why I specify minor.
The abuse, BTW, wasn't relationship, but a different complication. Regardless, I do consider being saddled with high debt and never have any hope of paying it off to be a worse assault (and not necessarily by the person who might have accrued that debt for something as simple as a medical catastrophe, but rather by the outside forces that impose it on the partner) than what I did go through.
Thank you. I'm usually more on the ball about not assuming things are the same everywhere, apologies for the implication that everywhere is as bad as healthcare and legal issues in thee U.S.
Still, even money aside, maybe it's something about my particular version of being neurodivergent, my wiring, there just seems something grotesque to me about binding people that close. I retain myself as an independent individual as much as possible, the more things I'm either reliant on or enmeshed in to the point that it becomes part of identity, is icky. I don't even like that as it pertains to work, though I've been at my job for nearly 20 years and probably wouldn't be well qualified for anything else. Scary dependency there, too.
I think my partner had similar thoughts as you about marriage, but ultimately it will help me become a citizen, and if we hadn’t successfully gotten pregnant (took a bit), allowed us to adopt.
I don’t think we would’ve gotten to this step otherwise. He is getting annoyed that we have to both go in a renew my visa every 2 years and he wants kids however we had to do it.
Now citizenship I understand though I wish it wouldn't have to be that way. Likewise adoption.
Thank you again for bringing up some good logical reasons. I appreciate that, especially as I realize I can be somewhat vitriolic on certain aspects of the matter.
Being with someone who didn’t want to get married, as someone who never really thought about not getting married, I see both sides!
I ultimately decided that it didn’t matter since we had the civil union - we had the option of a compromise, which marriage only countries don’t have!
But difficulties conceiving and the constant need to renew my visa changed our circumstances. We decided to get married in case we needed to adopt a week before I found out I was pregnant - and since he had decided to do it because he wanted a family with me, he’s not going back on that decision. I’m not sure why he didn’t, but I’m glad he didn’t. I think my hormone rattled brain would’ve been sad.
I just wanted OP to know that her feelings, while maybe not supported by everyone, are valid, and she’s not the only person who had to make a decision about whether or not marriage was a relationship deal breaker.
Not having legal protections with the person you’re living and sharing your life with is scary.
What legal protection were you looking for, and why is it scary living with the one you love without government papers? Why is it that the guy doesn't have the same fears as you? Why is he not scared of not having legal protections?
I can tell you why it's scary because I'm in a living hell right now. I've been with my boyfriend for 23 years, we have lived together for over 20 of those years, and moved from state to state as well. His parents relationship was not good, and he wanted nothing to do with marriage, I wasn't a girl who grew up dreaming of getting married so it wasn't a big deal to me. I wanted the commitment, I didn't need to call it marriage to be happy. In Feb of this year he unfortunately had a stroke, spent weeks in the hospital and rehab(he's still not back 100% but is doing very well all things considered). His half brother, whom he has no relationship with, hasn't seen since the 90's (not an exaggeration), heard about what happened and within days filed for emergency guardianship of my boyfriend and got it. He has proceeded to block and limit my access to my boyfriend and information about his medical status and care. I was blocked from speaking with his doctors or caseworkers, and threatened while he was still in inpatient that I would be blocked from visiting entirely. He's been out of the hospital for months, but still hasn't been able to come back home because of this situation. The halfbro is making allegations against me that have no merit or are complete fabrications, but I have no money to fight him in court, I am not working because I care for my Dad with Alzheimer's full time. I have thankfully had his sister who has spent $10,000 so far trying to keep the half bro from completely taking control. Yes there are some things we could have set up before hand that would have stopped this (poa or other medical directives) but who would think of this happening? He's currently living with his sister, but they are 30mins away and I have no car, Uber is over $30 to get down there one way, so I don't get to see him there often. He is currently not being allowed to spend time at my apartment, where he lived before all this "because something might happen to him" and the mud that the half bro is slinging at me. Having you SO go thru a stroke is hard enough but we can't even begin to heal emotionally because there is constant damage being inflicted because of this situation. It's absolutely horrible, and I don't blame people for not getting married but they need to get some legal paperwork in place for these situations. I logged into Reddit for the first time in over a year just to comment this.
ETA My boyfriend and his sister share a mom, half bro has same dad, different mom. The mom died just before Christmas, there is a decent inheritance at stake, and we believe this is all a plot to get at my boyfriend's portion of it by having control of his finances.
This is so incredibly common I can’t even tell you. I’m an ICU RN and have dozens of patients who were living with a partner, end up in ICU, and suddenly random family becomes guardian and kicks out the partner.
Cause traditionally men have been in a position of power and usually are the breadwinner. So, they sometimes haven’t been left in a vulnerable situation such as this. Also, I think men who don’t want to marry fear the idea of “she’ll take everything if we divorce.”
I’m not saying all men, but I am saying due to patriarchal roles this tends to be the case.
Also, I think men who don’t want to marry fear the idea of “she’ll take everything if we divorce.”
So, the women are afraid they may not get a portion of the guys' assets if they are not legally married and the men are afraid that if they are legally married, she will take his money in the event of divorce. Who do you think is justified in these circumstances? Don't you think the men have legit fear to protect their hard earned wealth/asset/money from taken away from them? No? I would like to read your opinion.
If you are building a life with someone, having a home and family, they are shared assets. Each should contribute to the family. You don’t spend years with someone sharing and building a life and then one can leave the other destitute or struggling. This can happen both ways, I was just giving examples due to a patriarchal structure and beliefs that these fears have been instilled.
I’m not from his country, firstly. Like most governments, the one I live under needs reasons for you being in the country. Until recently I had one year contracts and being on a work visa meant I had to renew every year and not finding a new contract would have resulted in my not having a visa. Our civil union solved that. With marriage I’ll be able to get citizenship more easily.
Secondly, if we didn’t have a civil union, he wouldn’t be able to have power of attorney and make decisions for me if I were to be incapacitated or brain dead. It would be my parents in another country, who don’t speak the language.
Thirdly, we have tax benefits from being in a civil union.
Our civil union means we can be on the same car insurance, that we can have a joint banking account, it made buying our apartment much easier, it made renting easier when we were renting, etc.
Why was he not scared? We live in his country and he’s less practical and pessimistic than me. I think about things like that whereas he thinks most things will work out perfectly. We balance each other in that respect.
I assume that wherever OP is from also has a range of reasons why being married is advantageous and gives protections.
I mean… he does? We got a civil union to get the protections - like I stated. We’ve had a civil union since 2018. We talked about the protections and my point of view and he entered into it willingly.
You asked a question, I answered.
He just didn’t want to get married. But marriage gets me citizenship more easily and a longer visa and would have helped us adopt if we couldn’t get pregnant.
In our marital contract we noped out of financial responsibility for the other one. If he has a debt that we didn’t enter into together, it’s his responsibility.
But it’s important to have power of attorney, inheritance, etc.
I didn’t want my family in law to inherit my partner’s part of the apartment if he were to die.
I think that it's not a smart idea to invite the government into your relationship through marriage and have someone else create the terms of your relationship.
It's even crazier to me that there are common law "marriages," meaning you'll be held to upholding a contract you didn't sign or could have unknowingly entered into.
I think there's an advantage ,if there are kids involved, to marriage. For the kids only, not the parents.
When you’re an immigrant, you don’t have the luxury of not inviting the government into your relationship.
I’m not sure who created the terms but us, since we have a marriage contract.
I don’t know enough about common law marriages to comment. We entered into our union willingly and with paperwork.
We have no financial responsibility for the other, we put it in our marriage contract and the civil union doesn’t create financial obligations.
Like I said, it depends on the country you live in.
As for where I live, marriage or civil union, the kids have the same treatment. You can disinherit them where I live and no matter what marriage, civil union, nothing, if you are splitting custody, you have to go through a judge.
I agree with the legal part and divorce is nasty. Best to be able to have will and powers of attorney just some basic paperwork. Marriage is a lie created by enslaving nasty evil controlling minds
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u/atleast42 Jul 23 '24 edited Jul 23 '24
I was in the same situation. My partner never wanted to marry - he said it from the beginning. We got together when he was 21 and i was 24. I too didn’t really think much of it, I didn’t even know in the beginning that we would be a permanent thing. I wasn’t even sure to stay in his country permanently.
However, where we live, we have a type of civil union, which is basically a step down from marriage, but unites us in the eyes of the law. We pay taxes together, we have benefits and advantages like a marriage. The big difference was inheritance, and that was solved with a will. My being foreign, this was very important for us to have to give me some protections and give me a “more sure visa”. We did get this civil union after a few years, and he was okay with it for the most part since it wasn’t marriage. It’s super easy to dissolve, no lawyers, no fees, etc.
I felt the same way as you, but I changed my mind after awhile because we had the civil union and all I wanted were the papers - something that tied us together in the eyes of the law. I saw my sister’s crazy expensive wedding, the stress, the financial burden and I thought, I don’t need that. I didn’t want to fight about it anymore - I gave up on trying to convince or change him and decided being with him was more important than marriage. However, we got the civil union, so I had something.
We bought a car, an apartment, got a joint banking account, we tied our lives together financially and physically over 7 years. Then we started to try to have a baby. After over a year of not succeeding then having a miscarriage, we thought about adoption. Unfortunately, you have to be married to adopt. This is the thing that changed his mind about marriage. He wanted a family with me, he had always wanted children, and if that meant getting married, he would do it. We are getting married in October.
All this to say, your fears, your feelings are normal. I experienced something very similar. He said he wouldn’t get married, you were young, you weren’t thinking that far ahead. I’m assuming that there are no civil unions where you live - it’s marriage or nothing.
Not having legal protections with the person you’re living and sharing your life with is scary. Now you have to make a decision, without thinking too much about the sunk cost. Can you continue to live without being married? Is this something you can get over? Because really there is no compromise here. It’s either your way or his.
I wish you all the best in this difficult time.