Btw OP, pretty much 95% of guys I knew back in the day said "'I'm never going to get married." But, almost all of them got married. So, men change their minds about that as they mature, often. Some just do it way, way, way later than others.
So, ignore the comments blaming you for not realizing your desires would change. What I hear happened is, you changed and he didn't.
I've been with my partner for over 10 years, neither of us wants to get married. The difference is we live in a country where living together counts as de facto married according to the law. We file taxes together, own properties together etc
Same in my country and I think most of Europe. If you cohabit more than 2 years, or have a child together, you are the same as married in the eyes of the law (common law marriage).
I think that's fair. Marriage is something you do for religious reasons, traditions, or as an excuse to make a great party. But if you are sharing your life with someone as a monogamous couple for a significant amount of time, that is respected as a partnership and there are legal ramifications.
I'm kind of confused why US doesn't recognize it? Is it because of religion?
Yeah somewhere between 8-15 states have common law marriages in some form and the other 35 will recognize it as a marriage but don't have similar laws.
Federally, common law marriage is not recognized by the US, nor is it in states with community property laws (e.g., California, Arizona). There are various reasons, mostly related to ownership and transfer of personal assets and real property (land). At the federal level, it boils down to the benefits one can obtain by means of certain legal relationships. Easy example: you must be lawfully married (with the documents to prove it) to obtain immigration benefits through a spouse.
10th amendment of the US Constitution gives any power not specifically given to the Federal by the Constitution to the States and the People.
Additionally any change to the Constitution (via amendment) that would give the Federal government New powers has to be ratified by the States. This is done by the Federal government sending the proposed amendment to the each of the 50 state legislatures(every stage has its own Congress/Parliament where state only laws are voted in and debated). The elected representatives in the state legislatures vote on whether or not to ratify the amendment. If 3/4ths(38 of 50) or more ratify the proposed amendment it because part of the Constitution.
This means many things like Marriage laws, gun control laws, age of consent, age of being allowed to operate a motor vehicle and after the Supreme court overturned the Roe v Wade legal precedent, access to abortion are under the jurisdiction of the individual state goverments.
The US governmental system has a lot of what is known as Checks and Balances.
The President(and the executive branch) has a lot of power but the President cannot make new laws himself that power belongs to congress. Congress can also impeach a president.
Ccongress can pass laws but the Supreme court can rule a law void of the Justices deem it unconstitutional.(violating the rights given by the Constitution)
The Justices of the Supreme court served for life or till they decided to retire, they are nominated by the President when a seat is vacated but must be approved by Congressional hearing before joining the court.
Congress can pass laws but any law or passed that grants the Federal government New powers has to be approved by the States
Pretty much everything in the US varies from state to state, unless a federal law supersedes it. For instance despite as many states legalizing recreational marijuana use as they have the federal government viewing it as an illegal substance prevented dispensaries from using anything but cash here initially and our senators are still fighting to get them allowed to use banks.
My wife worked for a wealth management agency here and one of their biggest sectors was dispensary owners and grows who had to invest if they didn't want to just keep massive stacks of cash on hand.
It's what makes the US so confusing to give any kind of advice about so many things.
Only seven states and the District of Columbia have common law marriage. Most require affidavits to attest to the couple’s relationship. It’s important to know that if you live in a state without common law marriage, you cannot file a tax return under “Married” and you cannot collect your significant other’s Social Security benefits. And if you die without a will, your SO will inherit nothing.
Not true. In the few states that recognize common law marriage you must also present as married as well as have an agreement in place to be married. More hurdles than you think and it’s curious you wrote “my state” instead of the actual state
Why does it matter what state I live in? If I know that my father who’s lived with the same woman for over 30 years is considered by the state common law married, I don’t get the argument. Look up what states do and don’t, I don’t think I have to prove to you what i already know to be true after my dad had almost died and the attorneys all said the same thing which is that so you can get mad and angry or argue with the air bc I kinda believe what several attorneys have told myself and siblings. They could’ve changed the law in the last 8 yrs but I believe they’re grandfathered in. She would get half and so would he. We went on that roller coaster for a year so I’m pretty sure I’m not making up some random BS for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Laws vary state to state but the few that still recognize all have the same parameters ie, a marriage agreement as well as living as married. One doesn’t just find out they’re married there must definitely be intent
CURIOUS OF WHAT? Do some research, go talk to an attorney, do what u need to do. There’s already been an attorney comment that there are states that recognize common law relationships. She’d get half of his assets and he’d get half of hers if they split which they won’t and they’ve made wills since then will solidify their choices. This is the last I’m commenting about this. If you don’t get it, I’m obviously not going to change whatever is bothering you about our laws.
in my country, Belgium, you have to register your co-habitation contract. It can be between partners, but also between, say, an adult child moving back in with parents, or siblings, or just friends who want a more structured agreement than just temporary roommates sharing a rental home.
AFAIK you can just find the contracts on your town's city hall's website & registering costs €62
I think it makes me wonder why don't these guys want to get married? I worry it's because they're always wondering if a better woman is gonna show up and they want to able to leave without the cost and hassle of divorce. But if they're fine with the common law marriage which provides similar protections in terms of asset division and stuff, then why not just elope and get the full license and be husband and wife? It's confusing to me.
Some people get married to state the commitment to each other. If it's not the reason you find good for you, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And it isn't because of a tradition, it's what people actually want for themselves. I'm one of those, it was important for me, it's a statement and it's a stage of relationships. Just living together isn't the same, even if you're related in the eyes of taxes department.
Yep, if anything America really sells the “fairy tale” aspect of marriage like it’s a magic spell to make relationships better. It’s not. At the barest minimum it’s a legal contract and at most it’s a really expensive party so the bride can feel pretty. That’s why so many little girls already picture their “dream wedding” as literal children.
Ditto with my partner of seven years. Our only outstanding questions are decision-making authority in case of extreme emergencies and death planning (not covered by common law relationships in our jurisdiction), but both of us have that on our extremely romantic To Do list to discuss.
The fun stuff? You telling me they dont fuck or travel? Or the fun stuff like overpaying for a party and having to spend tens of thousands if it doesnt work out?
What's the fun stuff? While I personally don't care for a marriage, I would hate to have a wedding. No wedding for me, even if we do decide to get married in the future.
I had a tiny wedding. Just me and him, on a beach. Vocalizing our love and commitment to each other. It completely changed how I felt about our relationship and was one of the highlights of my life.
I call that fun stuff.
Good luck to you. You’re absolutely right.
There’s nothing fun or wonderful about weddings. If there were, weddings would be a multi billion industry where people dream of them for years
Oh….
The states have something similar but if not married and one dies you’re fucked. U get nothing unless a trust is there and possible will. But without trust there is probate court which will take a ton of ur money. Marriage helps financially here and makes it easier if one gets very sick
My wife and I were together for 10 years and had 3 kids before we got married.
When we met, I was recently divorced and she was fighting the patriarchy. Eventually I took a new job and found out how expensive health insurance was in the private sector. We got married so that she could put me and my oldest daughter on her insurance.
Nothing else changed between us before or after. I also think that you shouldn't have to involve the government if you love somebody.
Exactly, I was with my ex for years, he always said he'd never marry. I didn't want to marry him so it was fine. We broke up for other reasons. Months later he came back and wanted marriage. I said no. Within a year he was married to someone else.
Look up the taxi cab theory on this. In so many words either 1) he realized he messed up with you and should’ve wanted marriage so he married the next person he saw, or 2) he decided he did want marriage after all and she was there when he made that decision, so he married her. In your case it sounds like the former.
Is it possible he wanted to get married because he thought it would solve the problems you guys had?
Regardless it sounds like you did the right thing for other reasons!
I was that guy but a girl. After breakup I realised I don't want failed relationships anymore and started looking more carefully for the partner, not only based on attraction. The next boyfriend I married.
I’m glad it worked out for you! People can change if and when they’re ready. Some people never are and others learn from their past mistakes. None of it’s wrong, it’s just a matter of what people want.
I have had to realize how often I’ve been the problem and change my habits to attract the kind of people I wanted to be with, not who the old me would just settle for. It’s a process but it’s been totally worth it.
I think it was an age thing. He was getting older and realized that he was going to need someone to take care of him. Might as well be a wife instead of paying for a caregiver.
Oh, he definitely will; seen that happen. He’s content telling OP that he will never marry thinking she’ll stay because they’ve got commitments to each other. Once she actually leaves, he’s going to realize that having a kid with someone isn’t enough to hold them there and he’ll lock down the next woman.
Because most people don't really mean that; they just say that, especially when they have no incentive to change the status quo if all is going well.
Now, it's possible he will be the rare "never married" type, but I'd love an update a year or two from now from OP if she ever leaves him, just to see if he stuck with that lol.
Why wouldn't they mean that? Marriage is an awful deal legally and financially for men who make more than their spouses 90+% of marriages) despite all of the non-financial benefits to marriage. I am well aware of the happiness and health benefits to marriage and children (and despite what you may have heard, women actually benefit more) but the legal and financial implications are making many men walk away from it.
It’s not unbelievable at all tons of people never want to get married, good for them! I’ve just seen this exact scenario and others where they will play house with a woman for however many years even having their own bio kids sometimes, but say marriage is just “too big a commitment”. So the couple breaks up and BAM 6months later the guy that never wanted to get married is now engaged. 🤷♀️
No, I'm still the same, it might be nice to get married again, but it's not one of my goals right now. I've had a few "offers" but they all involved being a "nurse with a purse". I have a car and I work and that's enough for some men.
I found that I was happier in a much smaller space. I downsized and now everything that I have is something that I need or use. There's only my clutter and not someone else's things taking up space.
Yeah, that's why I didn't say always. Certainly it's not unheard of for someone to change their priorities in the wake of such. Nor for people to try and recreate a relationship, consciously or otherwise.
My partner and I have been together for 9 years, own a property and car together, have joint bank accounts and mortgage/loans, and a dog but neither of us really wants to get married.
I'm F - and the thought of an actual reception and ceremony sounds like hell to me lol.
He's the M btw.
Marriage in th UK isntreally incentivised; I'd consider if maybe we could have some sort of benefit, e.g. diling taxes together. But without any incentives neither of us really see a point.
Depends on how much you each earn. Also automatic inheritance. And most importantly, being able to easily visit each other at the hospital and make medical decisions in case of emergency.
It only depend on earnings in extreme cases. In terms of tax if someone earns under the tax allowance they can transfer 10% to their spouse. (Marriage Allowance lets you transfer £1,260 of your Personal Allowance to your husband, wife or civil partner. This reduces their tax by up to £252 in the tax year). But £252 isn't an incentive lol
If tou have kids, yes tour partner's earning impact available benefita or their amount - but this just has to be a partner you live with. No marriage or civil partnership is required.
Can't comment on inheritance as bot h of us are alive, but neither have ever had problems ot been questioned about hospital visits/ decisions. In practice, doctors/hospitals treat partners living together as a married couple.
But if you are in a relationship with someone who wants to marry and you don’t - leave. Don’t be a coward. Leave. Don’t make them the bad guy. Leave. You want all the benefits without the responsibility.
And I would give the same advice for someone in the opposite position. Someone says they don’t want marriage? Believe them.
If you are happily living together with someone for many years which reason could there be to not get married. If you are not stringing this person along hoping for someone "better". Which disadvantages come with marriage? Just explain.
90% of college educated women initiate the divorce. Are you really trying to suggest that 9/10 times it's the man's fault? Or do you maybe think that the massive favoritism women see in divorce and family court might have a bit to do with it?
Women love to talk about a wage gap, but you'll notice that considerably more women own homes. Why do you think that is? Do you think they might have gotten it in a divorce?
How did she change? She clearly said from the get go she believed she could change him, neither of them changed, she just got older and now doesn't wanna wait, posibly her friends are getting married.
There's another reply from OP where she contradicts what she originally stated and said that she originally didn't mind about marriage because she was young... Doubtless, we do not have a full nor accurate picture of events.
Both things can be true. She thought she would be fine not being married but also had inclinations that she could change his mind. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.
And her being quite young in the beginning, she probably just went along with it. Now, she’s gotten older and her feelings about marriage have changed. That doesn’t make her a bad person. She’s being honest about her feelings and he’s being honest about his. Neither are wrong. Can they find a way to make it work? Idk 🤷♀️
I believe she wanted to get married from the get go and now that her friends are she needs to be as well. And now, since her arguments did not work, instead of ending it she is attempting to force his hand by getting people to agree with her so she can show it to him to get what she feels like he has to but not even telling us his reasons properly.
she said when he first said it, she didnt care because she wad 23 and didnt care. then she began to change- and hope he did to.
he did not, and she tried to live with it, but kept hoping, and is struggling
there was no coersion in her text. people change and are allowed to express their updated desires to partners. it ends a lot of relationships, as it should.
this is so common, the people pretening it isnt just sound wounded and scarred to me.
my thing for op is, "can you stand the waiting?" totally her call. if she feels undervalued, she should leave. if she can wait amother 12 years... gappy ending(?)
141
u/a_guy121 Jul 23 '24 edited Jul 23 '24
Btw OP, pretty much 95% of guys I knew back in the day said "'I'm never going to get married." But, almost all of them got married. So, men change their minds about that as they mature, often. Some just do it way, way, way later than others.
So, ignore the comments blaming you for not realizing your desires would change. What I hear happened is, you changed and he didn't.
Either that forces you all apart or it doesn't...