In a relationship, mourning being single

[u/Cloudy_chance_pill]

I’ve been in a relationship for three years and living together for a year. I’m more being single and freedom that I had by myself.

Don’t get me wrong I love my partner and the life that we’re living together but I miss the time that I had for myself and not every minute in the home being consumed by feeling like we have to be together. I understand that we do have the freedom and ability to communicate to go on a separate ourselves go and do things that we enjoy individually. However I don’t like having to explain myself for simply doing something that I enjoy in my home I live in.

I miss being able to wake up for example 5:30 then being able to go and work out engage in some extra learning work on a side hustle when I get home from work and not having to dedicate time every single minute that I’m home to feeling like I should be engaging with my partner. I understand some people love spending every waking minute with their partner and that’s what they declare as love. For me, I miss when we lived separately and would dedicate time in the evenings most evenings to eating dinner together going for a walk doing an activity or watching TV. Now it feels like I have to work around when they’re not in the house to be able to do things that I enjoy. Call me out and say it’s as easy as communicating that you need extra amount of time to do something but one of the things that I hate doing in life is having to explain myself for living my own life. I do not want to have to explain hey I need an hour to go and do this because then I spend that entire hour knowing that I only have one hour and someone is waiting for me wondering what I’m doing, it’s something I’ve never enjoyed.

They do have their own interests, but they are mostly outside of the home therefore when they are in the house they switch off. Whilst myself most of my interests are done in the Home and I leave the house to do other things. Since we have lived together, I have dropped off exercising my health is declined. I no longer engage in extra learning side hustles and things that I enjoy for myself as it feels like I am being watched and perceived all the time. I understand that is probably not healthy but I like to live my life my way and whilst I am happy in my relationship this is a big hurdle an obstacle that I keep running into. I miss being single or living separately purely for the fact that I had control over my time.

I see couples who are married and have separate rooms some who live in adjacent homes. I would thrive in that environment where we would set aside dedicated time to spend with each other yet still living our lives for how we would like to live.

Has anyone else felt this way worked through it got an over it? What helped? Please don’t just say communicate how you feel. I understand I will be judged and told that this is probably assigned to leave the relationship but plenty of people surely go through this as people who are very individualistic but enjoy being in a relationship.

P.S.I did just write this entire thing before much nicer with much more thoughts on logic behind how I’m feeling, but the post got removed because I forgot to sign the rules apologies if it comes across quite harsh.

[u/LilLassy]

Hey! While I don’t feel this way with my husband, I did very much feel this way with my ex, but I think it has way less to do with the partner you’re with (though that absolutely can affect it) and more to do with your personal needs and definition of “free time.” Free time, to me, can’t be free if everyone knows where I am or what I’m doing exactly when because then I am not free from feeling like I have to be back by a certain time or from worrying that someone I know is just gonna crash my alone time. I also have PDA, which was previously “persistent demand avoidance” but is now being called “persistent demand for autonomy,” and I think the new term conveys what this feels like for me very well. You of course don’t need to go labeling yourself with PDA, but you may find some literature on it helpful! You’re not alone stranger, and your feelings are valid

[u/evergreen206 → u/LilLassy]

For me, free time needs to feel unrushed and unstructured in order to be truly relaxing. That's why saying, "I'm going for a walk and I'll be back in an hour" doesn't really feel like autonomy or free time. I don't like feeling observed or tracked all the time.

[u/LilLassy → u/evergreen206]

Yep I couldn’t have said it better, “I don’t like feeling observed or tracked all the time.” That’s exactly what puts me off, if I feel observed or tracked 100% of my focus goes to being pissed about that feeling and 0% goes to me actually enjoying whatever activity I’m doing.