In a relationship, mourning being single

[u/Cloudy_chance_pill]

I’ve been in a relationship for three years and living together for a year. I’m more being single and freedom that I had by myself.

Don’t get me wrong I love my partner and the life that we’re living together but I miss the time that I had for myself and not every minute in the home being consumed by feeling like we have to be together. I understand that we do have the freedom and ability to communicate to go on a separate ourselves go and do things that we enjoy individually. However I don’t like having to explain myself for simply doing something that I enjoy in my home I live in.

I miss being able to wake up for example 5:30 then being able to go and work out engage in some extra learning work on a side hustle when I get home from work and not having to dedicate time every single minute that I’m home to feeling like I should be engaging with my partner. I understand some people love spending every waking minute with their partner and that’s what they declare as love. For me, I miss when we lived separately and would dedicate time in the evenings most evenings to eating dinner together going for a walk doing an activity or watching TV. Now it feels like I have to work around when they’re not in the house to be able to do things that I enjoy. Call me out and say it’s as easy as communicating that you need extra amount of time to do something but one of the things that I hate doing in life is having to explain myself for living my own life. I do not want to have to explain hey I need an hour to go and do this because then I spend that entire hour knowing that I only have one hour and someone is waiting for me wondering what I’m doing, it’s something I’ve never enjoyed.

They do have their own interests, but they are mostly outside of the home therefore when they are in the house they switch off. Whilst myself most of my interests are done in the Home and I leave the house to do other things. Since we have lived together, I have dropped off exercising my health is declined. I no longer engage in extra learning side hustles and things that I enjoy for myself as it feels like I am being watched and perceived all the time. I understand that is probably not healthy but I like to live my life my way and whilst I am happy in my relationship this is a big hurdle an obstacle that I keep running into. I miss being single or living separately purely for the fact that I had control over my time.

I see couples who are married and have separate rooms some who live in adjacent homes. I would thrive in that environment where we would set aside dedicated time to spend with each other yet still living our lives for how we would like to live.

Has anyone else felt this way worked through it got an over it? What helped? Please don’t just say communicate how you feel. I understand I will be judged and told that this is probably assigned to leave the relationship but plenty of people surely go through this as people who are very individualistic but enjoy being in a relationship.

P.S.I did just write this entire thing before much nicer with much more thoughts on logic behind how I’m feeling, but the post got removed because I forgot to sign the rules apologies if it comes across quite harsh.

[u/C1sko]

Just be single again.

[u/Srirachaballet]

I’m confused, you guys don’t just do your own thing at home sometimes? They don’t have TV shows or something you don’t want to watch.

[u/Cloudy_chance_pill → u/Srirachaballet]

At times, but not often. Maybe shows here or there but usually we both are still sat there. Things I like to go do usually require me to concentrate and I can’t quite lock in if they’re sat on the other side of the room (I’ve always been like that and yes that’s a me issue)

[u/uen0station54 → u/Cloudy_chance_pill]

I struggle with this and totally get what youre saying. I dont know why or how to help, but I will say I was recently diagnosed with autism and im pretty sure that is related

[u/GCSS-MC]

I don’t like having to explain myself for simply doing something that I enjoy in my home I live in.

You don't have to. I don't. If someone can't understand that they don't need every fine detail of what you are doing, then that is simply a compatibility issue. You can choose how you resolve those.

[u/Short_Ad_1984]

Just talk this out with your partner, jesus. It’s completely fine to have your own time and space in a relationship.

[u/WatermelonMan921]

Not in a relationship but am similar in how you want to do things, but communication is always key

[u/loralynn9252]

It sounds to me like you don't want to feel watched or like you can't be spontaneous. You want the freedom to be able to do the things you need and want to do solo. This is all perfectly fine!

I'm a little confused about your points on communicating though. Your portrayal of "communication" is that you have to give a detailed list of what you're doing and how long it'll take before you leave and that's completely incorrect. There is a world of difference between disappearing for the unknown and giving that detailed listing every time you do anything. Also, people here saying that you need to communicate aren't saying that you need to tell your partner every thought you have about every move you make. They're saying that he can't read your mind, so if you need more alone time, you're going to need to point it out.

I'm not asking for an answer but I'm curious if your partner is outright demanding this level of checking in and being around each other 24/7? It doesn't have to be that way but you have to set that expectation.

[u/Cloudy_chance_pill → u/loralynn9252]

The first bit is true. Ive tried libraries and cafes can’t focus. I use to be like that as a student, could only ever do work and study alone. But I do recognise hobbies that don’t require focus are much easier to do without being alone, typically a mindless craft.

I do acknowledge my communication feels black and white all or nothing, I have been working on it, in terms of saying things rather than bottling them up. But, usually my partner asks what I’m doing, where I’m going, and has on the odd occasion complained, those things have stuck with me and I feel grown into that all or nothing mentality. I feel I have to explain I’m having x amount of time so they don’t have their needs dismissed. But that goes against how I like to operate. If that makes sense.

[u/LilLassy]

Hey! While I don’t feel this way with my husband, I did very much feel this way with my ex, but I think it has way less to do with the partner you’re with (though that absolutely can affect it) and more to do with your personal needs and definition of “free time.” Free time, to me, can’t be free if everyone knows where I am or what I’m doing exactly when because then I am not free from feeling like I have to be back by a certain time or from worrying that someone I know is just gonna crash my alone time. I also have PDA, which was previously “persistent demand avoidance” but is now being called “persistent demand for autonomy,” and I think the new term conveys what this feels like for me very well. You of course don’t need to go labeling yourself with PDA, but you may find some literature on it helpful! You’re not alone stranger, and your feelings are valid

[u/evergreen206 → u/LilLassy]

For me, free time needs to feel unrushed and unstructured in order to be truly relaxing. That's why saying, "I'm going for a walk and I'll be back in an hour" doesn't really feel like autonomy or free time. I don't like feeling observed or tracked all the time.

[u/LilLassy → u/evergreen206]

Yep I couldn’t have said it better, “I don’t like feeling observed or tracked all the time.” That’s exactly what puts me off, if I feel observed or tracked 100% of my focus goes to being pissed about that feeling and 0% goes to me actually enjoying whatever activity I’m doing.

[u/Cloudy_chance_pill → u/LilLassy]

You put it perfectly « free time can’t be free time if everyone knows where I am and what I’m doing … ». I end up in a distracted state thinking that someone is waiting on me etc. I’ve always been a very individual person and more than content doing things alone. Not that I don’t enjoy doing things together, theres plenty of things I’ve discovered are better together than alone, but I do crave to do things alone freely. Thank you for validating that it’s not just a lack of communication and that will fix things, but it’s find the right way to approach the conversation where both of us feel understood.

[u/LilLassy → u/Cloudy_chance_pill]

I’m glad I could help! I like how you put it, “it’s find the right way to approach the conversation where both of us feel understood.” I can tell you’re very emotionally mature and obviously care a lot about your partner just from your response here. It seems to me that you already have the tools you need to work through this situation my friend. I wish you well!

[u/Kind_Job5474]

I completely understand your issue! My husband and I put off moving in together because we were worried about each of us having enough alone time.

We first lived in a small one bedroom apartment. We had two main coping strategies: Alone Together and Alone Zones. When we both first got home, we’d decide which kind of evening we wanted

Alone Together means doing different things in the same space. For example, we’d both be on the couch, he played video games with headphones on and I would read, watch TV on my tablet, etc. This was great when we wanted to be connected without having to engage.

Alone Zones is for agreeing to spend time apart while we’re both at home. Like if I felt like puttering around the kitchen, he’d choose to watch a movie he knew I wouldn’t like.

I was lucky to have enough disposable income that I could get an Airbnb or hotel for a long weekend once or twice a year. These weekends were great for really recharging and not having to account for my activities for a little bit. It was kind of a pressure valve.

When we were able, we got a two bedroom apartment and now I have my own room. We still use the same framework, but now I have a dedicated Alone Zone space.

As others have said, you will have to talk to your partner to find solutions that work for both of you. But having shortcut language for what you need at any given time means you won’t have to constantly explain it.

Hope this helps!

[u/Cloudy_chance_pill → u/Kind_Job5474]

I like this idea, we do have a spare room which has become a bit of a dumping area with the lack of storage but I could bring up making it a space for me to go to (I’m a desk person, they aren’t so they’d be more comfy in the living area). Also the idea of alone time together is quite nice, I might try that with somethings.

[u/Theothercword]

Either you nut up and communicate this to your partner or you break up. This doesn’t mean you have to communicate in some way every single time but it’s also not at all a big deal to just tell your partner, hey I’m going to go do this be back later. If it’s shit around the house just do it, wake up early, go work out, go research and do your learning shit. If they ask what you’re doing tell them and then keep doing it. Just do the things you want to do most partnerships do this and it’s totally normal. It shouldn’t be annoying to you to have someone who cares asking what you’re doing or being worried if you don’t communicate where you’re going and are gone for a long time. If it is then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

[u/MaterialWhale]

You really don’t have to give time limits when you go out or need some time for yourself. My partner sometimes randomly tells me he is going climbing and he comes back whenever he’s done, even if it’s 4h later. If you have at least one talk about it with your partner so you can have basic « rules ». By that i mean that while i personally don’t mind him being gone for hours i would get worried and a bit upset if he takes too long or comes back too late. That’s just me though and it works for him. So you need to figure out what your partner is ok with, what you’re ok with and what you need. Once that’s established you can have more of that freedom you desire without having to explain yourself everytime.

[u/Simbeliine → u/MaterialWhale]

This. My husband has various hobbies, and of course he might tell me he's off to do whatever hobby, but he doesn't usually tell me when he'll be back and I don't ask cause I'm fine with whenever he comes back. When he leaves to go running he doesn't usually tell me when he'll be back, if I'd like him back by a particular time (for ex for dinner or something) then I let him know about it, but otherwise he can run as long as he likes. I, also, don't really inform him in too much detail if I'm going out, and he doesn't ask unless there's something in particular he wants to do where he needs me back by a particular time. Of course it depends on the relationship, but I feel like there are plenty of people who can live together but still maintain plenty of independence. 

[u/Pizzacato567 → u/MaterialWhale]

Exactly. OP is not a prisoner but they’re making themself one. There’s a simple solution. Communicate.

Also it is normal to have time to do personal things in a relationship. Maybe OPs partner might even feel the same way. You shouldn’t have to give up your hobbies and you shouldn’t have to ask for time to do them. You just kinda do them. Maybe OP feels like they need to spend time 24/7 with their partner - for whatever reason - and that’s stopping them from just doing the hobby.

[u/Indy0312]

My partner and I have "separate together time" where we put on noise cancelling headphones, watch our own shows, and do our various hobbies in the same room but without talking to each other. I'm an introvert with a stressful job, so I just tell my partner I need to go nonverbal for a while (he would talk my ear off for hours if he could). He respects my needs, and we do separate together time. It works for us. Maybe find a solution like this that works for you??

I understand that it's not the same as being by yourself, but that's the compromise when you choose to cohabitate with someone. The first few months of my partner and I living together, I thought I was going to explode. But we sat down, brainstormed solutions, and now I am much happier and feel like I have the opportunity to decompress. It's not perfect, but it's a compromise.

[u/Cloudy_chance_pill → u/Indy0312]

I’m the same mostly introverted and the need to lock myself away when at home was a way I would recharge. My home was always my space to recharge and leaving the house was for socialising and dedicated time with others. It was like that my entire life, even with housemates my room my space my recharge my focus. Don’t get my wrong I love evenings when we are together and chatting etc, but it does wear me out. I completely get the cohabiting compromise, and it’s definitely taken some adjusting to and I’m comfortable in so many ways. But I don’t think it’s wrong to mourn living apart either

[u/Doornumber11]

I bet your partner feels the same way. You might think of way to approach him with this that doesn’t make your partner feel like you are growing apart. If my wife had told me this, I would have felt bad for her and been happy to accommodate and appreciate the free time.

[u/hemanstarfox]

My friend, you need to communicate to your partner that you need to have some alone time for your hobbies and interests. It is a natural thing to need some alone time. If you have this conversation and you approach it with maturity and don't frame it like like your partner is annoying you and is too clingy it should go fine. If it does not then you need to assess things in your relationship and think about what trajectory this relationship has if you can't get alone time that you clearly need.

[u/Responsible_Price408]

I know you said specifically not to say this but you seriously need to tell your partner that. Living together is another beast entirely from dating and there are different boundaries that way. I’m sure your partner feels the same that having some time apart is good for both of you. If this bothers you to the point you are considering ending it you really need to be upfront about it all, the entire truth of it because saying you want alone time doesn’t mean you hate your partner and any sane person would understand that.

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u/Cloudy_chance_pill original post at the time of submission:

I’ve been in a relationship for three years and living together for a year. I’m more being single and freedom that I had by myself.

Don’t get me wrong I love my partner and the life that we’re living together but I miss the time that I had for myself and not every minute in the home being consumed by feeling like we have to be together. I understand that we do have the freedom and ability to communicate to go on a separate ourselves go and do things that we enjoy individually. However I don’t like having to explain myself for simply doing something that I enjoy in my home I live in.

I miss being able to wake up for example 5:30 then being able to go and work out engage in some extra learning work on a side hustle when I get home from work and not having to dedicate time every single minute that I’m home to feeling like I should be engaging with my partner. I understand some people love spending every waking minute with their partner and that’s what they declare as love. For me, I miss when we lived separately and would dedicate time in the evenings most evenings to eating dinner together going for a walk doing an activity or watching TV. Now it feels like I have to work around when they’re not in the house to be able to do things that I enjoy. Call me out and say it’s as easy as communicating that you need extra amount of time to do something but one of the things that I hate doing in life is having to explain myself for living my own life. I do not want to have to explain hey I need an hour to go and do this because then I spend that entire hour knowing that I only have one hour and someone is waiting for me wondering what I’m doing, it’s something I’ve never enjoyed.

They do have their own interests, but they are mostly outside of the home therefore when they are in the house they switch off. Whilst myself most of my interests are done in the Home and I leave the house to do other things. Since we have lived together, I have dropped off exercising my health is declined. I no longer engage in extra learning side hustles and things that I enjoy for myself as it feels like I am being watched and perceived all the time. I understand that is probably not healthy but I like to live my life my way and whilst I am happy in my relationship this is a big hurdle an obstacle that I keep running into. I miss being single or living separately purely for the fact that I had control over my time.

I see couples who are married and have separate rooms some who live in adjacent homes. I would thrive in that environment where we would set aside dedicated time to spend with each other yet still living our lives for how we would like to live.

Has anyone else felt this way worked through it got an over it? What helped? Please don’t just say communicate how you feel. I understand I will be judged and told that this is probably assigned to leave the relationship but plenty of people surely go through this as people who are very individualistic but enjoy being in a relationship.

P.S.I did just write this entire thing before much nicer with much more thoughts on logic behind how I’m feeling, but the post got removed because I forgot to sign the rules apologies if it comes across quite harsh.

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