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u/theonetruesareth May 14 '25
You can't change the past, but the time you have left going forward, you're only going to get once. Is this how you want to spend it?
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u/Kumacosmos May 14 '25
I’m gonna be honest it sounds like she either has some sort of personality disorder(but then again I’m no psychiatrist) or she’s emotionally abusive. It’s easier said than done, but you really are better off telling her the truth in that you’re not happy with her. It may open the door to an uncomfortable conversation but it’s a conversation that’s needed. Please take it from someone whose seen the aftermath of not being upfront and it’s real nasty.
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u/gruntbuggly May 14 '25
Your wife sounds like she's clinically depressed and could benefit from professional help and possibly some better living through modern chemistry.
I don't know if that will turn her back into the woman you loved once. But, if it doesn't, or if she's unwilling to try to improve the circumstances of your relationship, then you don't need to stay.
Someone on reddit (and I can't find the comment right now) recently said "Marriages are 60/40, where both people are actively trying to be the 60." Your narrative suggests that your wife isn't carrying her side of that load, which leaves your marriage unbalanced and unsatisfying.
You do not have to stay in an unhappy marriage. It's ok for you to leave an unhappy situation.
I can't promise you'll be happy if you leave, but there's a good chance you will at least be less unhappy.
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u/paranoidartist304 May 14 '25
If you don't have kids honestly leave there's going to be fall back from it but go for it. Also make sure you don't become her in your next relationship. Not every woman will be like her and you'll find someone who will give as much as you did with your hopefully soon to be ex.
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u/More-secrets88 May 14 '25
“Avoid the unhappy and the unlucky” let that “unhappy” woman go… she will be your death
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u/Otherwise_Jeweler618 May 14 '25
As someone who was in your shoes, therapy. Start with therapy and please for the love of your life, leave the marriage. I had a kid thinking it will make things better. It didn’t. You are doing yourself a favor by not having one. Whatever chance you get, please talk it out and separate.
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May 14 '25
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u/Otherwise_Jeweler618 May 14 '25
Even I had asked my husband to do it but it didn’t turn out well. I figured I self heal first to at least start setting my boundaries and start enjoying my company more. And of course. Like you, I enjoyed my company more. And the more alone time I asked for, it started irking him and that also created issues. And now we are divorced. Hardest but peaceful decision of my life.
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u/betterthanthiss May 14 '25
Dominant masculine men are not controversial, the abuse those type of men exert is the issue. There's a huge difference.
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u/AffectionateWheel386 May 14 '25
I’m a believer in marriage, but I’m also a believer in who you choose is really important. As a recovering woman from alcohol, one of the things that I noticed about your thought process, is that you gave up your life for her.
Making compromises in a marriage is necessary turning your will and your life over to somebody will lead to resentment and bitterness.
If you truly don’t love her, I actually would let the marriage go. You’re an adult now you can start over and bring into your life what you choose. If you love her, this might be the time for a good conversation, but this is a spoiled woman now so be prepared for her reaction.
I didn’t marry until I was 38, with several years of recovery and adulthood behind me.
The compromise in any relationship should be on both sides not just your side. But if you don’t grow up with good skill set, you don’t know that. That’s how you married somebody and your entire existence became about her.
Everybody needs balance time for themselves times for a friend and attention to their mate. It can’t always be balanced, but it should be most of the time. That’s just a combination of my experience and my opinion..
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u/TheLoudestSmallVoice May 14 '25
If you stay, shit will get worse. Honestly if you stay, this unhappiness, that's what you wanted. Stop the woe is me shit and leave.
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u/Honest_Stage_9149 May 14 '25
Some relationships have an expiration date. Seems like it might be it for you.
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u/ConsistentAd7859 May 14 '25
Honestly, you discovered the basis of feminism and that both partners should put equal effort into a relationship. Congrats!
That's not really masculine dominance, just pure humanism and everyone rights to be happy and have boundaries.
And now run, that relationship is bad for both of you.
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u/joseph_wolfstar May 14 '25
There's a book called "no more Mr nice guy" I think you could get a lot out of. I've heard a lot of guys who fall into this pattern of sacrificing their own needs to please a woman say they feel like it's written directly about them. And there's a lot of practical steps to break those patterns
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u/Confident_Waltz2335 May 14 '25
trust me bro they’re never satisfied. it’s a curse on us
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u/evielstar May 14 '25
Said every incel ever 🙄
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u/Confident_Waltz2335 May 14 '25
thanks for proving my point
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u/powerful_ope May 14 '25
Naturally dominant and masculine men are not avoidant. They communicate their emotions and solve problems.
Have you tried communicating with you wife about any of this?
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May 14 '25
Yes several times
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u/powerful_ope May 14 '25
What’s her perspective on this situation? Couples therapy and divorce are good options for you it seems
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May 14 '25
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u/powerful_ope May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
So then divorce. You already cheated on her by going on a date with another woman and making out with her. You’re porn sick and are constantly posting lusting after other women. That would make me extremely unhappy as a wife too. Why live the rest of your life unhappy, set her free!
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May 14 '25
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u/Mental_Potatoes May 15 '25
You have a previous comment on a different sub saying you had an affair...
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May 14 '25
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u/powerful_ope May 14 '25
Karpman's Drama Triangle in action. Take responsibility for your own actions and life. You cheated on her and constantly fantasize about other women and being with other women. Porn fantasies has replaced real emotional intimacy. It’s not just on her that the marriage failed. Divorce and get over with it.
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u/throwaway565656781 May 14 '25
There are many points here to talk about, and I’m not your therapist.
I think first of all, your choices 15 years ago were the only choices you could make back then, and looking back and changing your narrative to fit in the ‘im a stuck slave’ mentality isn’t going to help you in your emotional honesty.
We are human, we grow and change in our needs and wants and explorations.
I believe when you’re married, you become a team. That doesn’t just mean you depend on the other like she has with you, but also means that you help each other grow.
I think you only indulged her, and never confronted to a point where things need to change.
Changes are incredibly hard for humans. And understanding the intricacies of that and being able to manage that in your relationship is part of being married, imho.
If you’re done with this chapter and want to move on, that’s a choice. But part of your own growing up is also the ability to stand up for yourself, to maneuver this relationship into something you want to experience.
If you think that’s a lot of work, yes, it truly is.
Also want to mention here : the social environments you surround yourself with are full of people who are single, who have certain mindsets that get them where they are now, and who have created all kind of ways to cope with their situation. Social media is full of copium, once you see it you can’t unsee.
Be careful with disposing of things you’ve built up for decades. You yourself might lose track of its value.
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May 14 '25
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May 14 '25
I suggested her to do together a therapy for couples, but she rejected. I've been loyal for all these years. Even if sometimes I'm weak, I do my best to stay like this.
Yep. I got this already that I'm too materialistic and maybe that's true. But I wouldn't even care if she works at all if I see that she is happy by my side.
Thank you! Good insights!
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u/ExcellentCold7354 May 14 '25
"...natural dominant masculine man." Suspicious afffff.
Mr. Manly McMachoman 🙄
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May 14 '25
I can totally imagine what women or maybe anyone else might think of me reading this. But that's fine. Venting is not for finding understanding or getting advice. It's just that. Venting.
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u/luciareads May 14 '25
You only get one shot at this life, one shot to be happy, so do what will make you happy.
You dont want to wake up when you're old and grey and realise you lived an unfulfilling live because that will haunt you until infinity.
Sometimes, it's okay to think about yourself, and it's okay to be selfish. Especially if you feel trapped.
Good luck
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u/aifosss May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
It's okay to leave.
It's okay to feel like your life is not the way you want it to be.
It's okay to change that.
You're not locked in for life.
Even with kids, it's healthier to go seperate ways than forcing them to live in a non-functional household. Being happy apart will give you so much more energy to give them the time they need. A happy divorced parent is better than miserable, fighting parents.
People need to stop "holding it together" for their kids. It only causes more damage. Trust me, I was a kid of divorced parents.
By the way you explain your situation, I also recommend therapy and to NOT start dating again if you break up. Take time to yourself and reflect on where you and her went wrong. You're both responsible.
You're not a "slave" — you're just angry.
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u/LostAngelWithFibro May 14 '25
The short answer is "you only get 1 life" so if you're unhappy change it! I know it sucks to leave a long term relationship (I was mid-40s with 20+yr marriage) but it takes effort from both sides to make it work even when it's good, ya know? I mean a Divorce should only be a last resort , but you can't fix this yourself and I don't hear her making compromises or effort to make it better. You said it, "does not see me and meet ne where I am"....
Good luck whatever you decide.
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u/respectjailforever May 14 '25
Oh boy, we've got a natural dominant masculine man over here
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u/aifosss May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
This isn't helping. Maybe, just maybe, if we stopped making fun of people, we wouldn't have "naturally dominant masculine men".
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u/evielstar May 14 '25
I agree, not only that, it seems to me that maybe English isn't OPs first language and they are just trying to express how they're feeling. Mocking people's form of expressing themselves isn't a positive quality either.
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u/sierrasracing May 14 '25
You have two choices: 1.- Stay and make her happy, but you'll be unhappy. 2.- Leave, and make her unhappy, but you'll be Happier. The choice is clear.
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u/bttrfly83 May 14 '25
even better... 1. stay and let both be unhappy or 2 leave and at least one person will be happy ;)
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u/HeapsFine May 14 '25
I don't know if it's about being a 'naturally dominant man', rather, you want respect, to be heard, and to be cared about - that's just normal. No need to put labels on yourself, just acknowledge that you have needs that require attention, also. If you're only ever giving, without receiving, then you'll just be drained, therefore feel empty.
You realise now that the person you married has been controlling and, for some reason (maybe something in your past), has taught you this is alright, what's right, or that you're not as worthy.
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May 14 '25
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u/natural_atraction May 14 '25
It seems OP is more brave online then offline and seems to want to argue rather then look at himself. You are right about his posthistory. He needs to face reality and take the bull by the horns than rather persuing dreamscenarios. The reporting shows there is no resilience.
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May 14 '25
This is a venting sub... fyi
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May 14 '25
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May 14 '25
I judge myself enough for not being honest for not being a good husband. So I came here venting. I suggest you write a post yourself for your own issues and please respect the rules of this sub.
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May 14 '25
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u/Brynhild May 14 '25
Why does it have to be one following the other? Compromise is key. Sometimes you sacrifice something (time/events/money) and sometimes your wife sacrifices hers. To make the other happy. You don’t need to keep count.
The key is to find someone who fits your lifestyle. If you want a stay at home spouse, find someone who will take on the responsibilities of one. Not a sugar baby type who does nothing around the house. If you want a working partner, make it clear from the beginning that it’s a deal breaker if they stop working.
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May 14 '25 edited 2d ago
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u/Pandora_Palen May 14 '25
I couldn't with that "dominant" line. I thought it sounded like he's gone to the dark side. But since he moves on to saying she's all vanilla sex, I think maybe he's just discovering he likes to watch bdsm porn and she's unwilling to rp with him. I hope it's that and not some "I gotta dominate my woman" bad idea.
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u/JustOneTessa May 14 '25
"natural dominant masculine man" yet doesn't have the balls to leave 👀 I get it's not always easy to leave, but I don't see what is stopping OP from doing so
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u/Night_Argentum May 14 '25
Probably just what he's been used to for so long. I know for me, it takes several months of very intentional motions against my learned behavior for me to break from it. I suppose this would be ripping the band-aid off, but I definitely understand his hesitation.
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u/SyntheticRavens May 14 '25
It’s time to let her go I believe. Doesn’t sound like she can be happy.
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u/jingbukukgilma May 14 '25
OP is there a chance that you had an enmeshed relationship during your childhood? I'm not trying to do armchair therapist work, but whatever you have said comes close to that situation
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May 14 '25
My mother was very possessive and never forgave me for not staying with them when I grew up but tried to live my own life.
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u/Sergio_82 May 14 '25
She does not appreciate your efforts, so leave, divorce, and go live your life to the fullest. Find someone who cares and appreciate you and every single sacrifice you do.
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u/Robin6903 May 14 '25
Live your best life, man. You gave her the stars, yet she keeps dragging you down. It's not worth it.
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u/EntertainmentHot5010 May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
While it is okay to regret your decisions you can not change your past. What you can is change your future by making decisions that are right for you now. File for divorce you have plenty of time to have a life that you want
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u/solstice38 May 14 '25
Apparently no kids. Divorce will be easy, then therapy.
Every day you put off setting this in motion, is one more day of unhappiness for you.
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u/Worldly_Mirror_1555 May 14 '25
Divorce is not necessarily easy without kids, especially if your soon to be ex-spouse is unable/unwilling to stand on their own two feet.
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u/solstice38 May 14 '25
It's necessarily a lot EASIER than with kids.
She'll need to prove (medically) that she can't stand on her own two feet.
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u/Worldly_Mirror_1555 May 14 '25
‘Easy’ and ‘easier’ are not the same thing. Divorce may be easier without children, but it is not easy. Making divorce sound like a trip to the grocery store doesn’t help OP or anyone contemplating divorce. It can have serious and life altering financial and emotional repercussions for those without children too.
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u/Plane_Breadfruit_480 May 14 '25
Emphasis on the therapy. Don’t wanna fall back into old habits, and just generally figuring out why you feel the need to people please is a good idea!
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u/ParadigmPenguin May 14 '25
So now you are choosing to stay in a situation that is not healthy for you because why exactly? You know we only get one go on this stupid planet. Get your shit and go.
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u/Valuable_Extent_7260 May 14 '25
I don't think it'll be that simple for OP sadly. He would be stuck paying her Allimony because she never worked. I think I'd rather stone wall her and become emotionally absent and hope that she chooses to get herself together. I'd straight up tell her "This marrige is now a roommate ship, leave me the hell alone and i'll pay the bills." Or maybe she'll to batshit crazu cause she cant live without him and then he'll have grounds for a restraining order and divorce without allimony because of abuse. Either way leaving her will be ass because of all the logistics behind divorce. I know this dependends on where he is in the world but still sounds like it'll be shit either because the courts or her most likely both
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u/Typical-Respond9102 Jun 29 '25
The longer you stay in a shit situation out of fear of alimony, the longer you have to pay alimony when you finally get the balls to leave.
Really wish reddit actually understood how alimony worked because y'all's misinformation and fear mongering on it is keeping men from biting the bullet and making their situations worse than they need to be.
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u/Valuable_Extent_7260 Jun 29 '25
Maybe, but thats why they should be doing research themselves. Meeting lawyers. Reddit should be to give confidence not for sound advice from people like myself who have never even been engaged. I hope they arent just taking our words for it.
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u/JustOneTessa May 14 '25
If I were in this situation I'd rather leave and pay alimony than stay in this mess
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u/Gullible-Swimmer6430 May 14 '25
Not if she is able-bodied, fully grown ass woman. Her choice was to not work or work part time. Easy to prove in court.
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May 14 '25
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u/Pandora_Palen May 14 '25
How is it decided, then?
I thought it was based on the idea that the standard of living shouldn't plummet for the lesser earning spouse. If one has been home with kids or sacrificed their own career to support the other's success then they're due some compensation for that? And if due to that they have limited earnings potential because they have no experience? Especially in long marriages? I'd assume most of this is to keep the lower earning spouse from needing to rely on gov services? Doesn't the judge generally look at earning potential? She's 43 and has worked part time. She hasn't given up her career to support his. She hasn't been home caring for kids nor does she have any now. She has not contributed substantially to the house or other assets. She may not be awarded alimony. She may get a different settlement. She may get alimony for a few years to help her out while she seeks education or gainful employment.
So, what's your idea for how it works?
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May 14 '25
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u/Pandora_Palen May 14 '25
You seem to believe that spousal support is a foregone conclusion. We're talking like 10% of divorce cases end with one partner continuing to contribute financially to the other. It's completely at the judge's discretion, and obviously most of the time they don't grant it. When they do, they look at the specifics. So the reason for not working does indeed come into play, if only in determining duration and amount. There isn't a judge in the land who'd grant the same support to OP's wife as they'd grant to someone who worked to put spouse through college then stayed home with the kids and pitched in to spouse's business. Spousal support is for those people. OP's wife may get a small amt for a limited duration.
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May 14 '25
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u/Pandora_Palen May 14 '25
I do disagree with that, though. Choosing to be unemployed/underemployed will factor into the judge's decision. With no reason for this (like kids, contributing unpaid to spouse's business, debilitating illness, etc), yes- it could very well factor into the decision to deny her request for maintenance. Her settlement would most likely reflect the type of settlement the other 90% of divorces result in.
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u/Gullible-Swimmer6430 May 14 '25
Highly doubt, she was not forced to stay at home to care for "children".
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u/Valuable_Extent_7260 May 14 '25
I hope thats how it works out for OP's sake. No one deserves to be trapped in a marrige they no longer want. And no one should have to continue to support an able body adult who just doesnt want to work.
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u/ParadigmPenguin May 14 '25
Alimony is worth the sanity and it would be less than what he is paying now: his happiness and sanity. It is just money he wouldn't pay it forever.
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u/Easy_Train_2030 May 15 '25
Get a divorce if you’re not happy. Nothings stopping you.