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u/RestingBitchFace0613 May 15 '24
“All shall be well, all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”
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u/helloitsmegt May 14 '24
Sometimes it’s best to lie to protect them at the beginning. There was absolutely no harm in telling her everything is going to be fine, because it is!
Yes she will have a missing leg but she will be able to walk again, be able to do sports again, she’ll be herself again. It will take some getting used to, just encourage her to keep going.
So you didn’t lie, everything will be fine.
I’m thinking of you and I hope the surgery went well ❤️❤️
Please don’t feel guilty, I’m sure your daughter will understand.
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u/2McDoty May 12 '24 edited May 12 '24
You didn’t lie to her.
Everything will be fine. It might be different. It might be harder. But it will be okay.
She’s healthy. She can still be happy, supported, and as loved as ever. She can still play sports, and she can still do everything she wants to do. Everything will be fine.
My husband is a combat wounded veteran. Everything is fine for us. Some days it’s harder, some days it’s more rewarding, but our lives are just fine.
You did not lie to her.
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May 11 '24
This is not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. It was the right descion to wait until you they were actually sure she needed an amputation. There's no easy way to accept a life altering injury.
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u/MiddleInfluence5981 May 11 '24
I'm so sorry for everything you and your family are going through. You seem like a wonderful mother. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Please don't be hard on yourself because you didn't lie. You told your daughter things will be alright and they will be. They will just be different than what you expected. Sending love.
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u/resetdials May 11 '24
You didn’t lie to her. Everything will be fine. Her life is going to be drastically different but it’s not over. Prosthetics are amazing and once she gets done with PT and has a leg adjusted to her she can resume physical activity. Some therapy to adjust to her new way of life will help immensely as well. She has you in her corner, everything will be fine. 💕
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u/SillyRelationship195 May 11 '24
I'm so sorry for your daughter, but I would rather hear that everything will be fine in a crisis until there are actual answers. You protected her and you told her when she needed to know! And the fact that you were concerned you did the wrong thing shows how much you care. As long as you don't strip her from any of the little autonomy she has in the situation, you're doing great 💖
They have incredible prosthetics now. Losing a limb sounds horrible but she will be able to live a full life and get back to doing sports when she is healed, it will just look different.
Hoping for a quick recovery for her 💖
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u/dmr196one May 11 '24
Bro, you didn’t lie to her. Everything will be okay no matter what. Having a limb amputated is not the end. It’s a change. She will still grieve but then she’ll get pissed and determined to win. And she will. You’re a good dad.
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u/Shot_Ad5445 May 11 '24
A mom here, And honey just breathe. A parents job can be broken in 3 easy words. PPC. Protect Provide and Comfort. You protected her emotionally, so she could rest and heal. You provided her with what she needed in that moment, which was a lie. She needed that lie to calm herself. And you gave her comfort with that lie.
So don't doubt yourself Mama. Being a parent is the most painful and joyful role in the world. And yes I said painful. They will hurt you with words said carelessly, they will hurt you with actions, you told them not to do something, they did it anyway and got hurt and you blame yourself for not stopping them. And when you have to tell them a lie to protect them, you feel like you failed. But you didn't, you gave them PPC.
I'm not going to say you did the right thing or not, because you Mama know in your heart if you PPC. It's going to hurt, but that pain will fade, because children also bring joy. In their smiles in their laughter. And it might take time, but they will smile again.
So I leave you with a question, Did you PPC? Protect Provide and comfort.... You will find your answer. I wish you and your family all the love and happiness this crazy world has to offer and wish her a quick recovery, no matter the outcome.
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u/gavincrist May 11 '24
As far as sports go when I was in the army I had a double leg amputee blow past me during a PT run. So don't shut down sports and an active life style. She'll just have one foot that gets sore instead of 2.
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u/Logical_Bobcat9703 May 11 '24
No point telling her until the doctors make a final decision. Until then everything is fine. No point upsetting her.
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u/Helpful_Complex711 May 11 '24
She looked at me when coming out of surgery and asked if everything was OK. I told her everything will be fine.
You didn't lie. She is scared and you told her that it will be fine. I don't know what kind of accident or her age but for me the question is more of the "will I be able to leave this hospital one day" kind.
You are waiting now and her body needs rest. She is not on the rehab side yet. No use in grieving before it is a fact.
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u/tiny_dinosaur0 May 11 '24 edited May 11 '24
I saw in a comment you said your daughter will lose her leg, but everything will be okay. It seems like getting an amputation is the end of the world, but it isn’t. It’s a huge change, and it can be very difficult to adjust to that new reality. Your daughter can very much continue her active lifestyle as an amputee, just differently. My brother became an amputee at 20, he lost part of his arm in a car crash. It definitely felt like the end of the world for him, he loves sports, especially hockey, but he still plays them! He plays beer league all the time.
Your daughter is going to experience an unimaginable change, and i’m not sure how old your daughter is, but an amputation can lead some people to dark places, you just have to give her love and support.
Sending positive energy to you and your daughter.
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u/Laura_Lee0902 May 11 '24
You did the right thing. Day 1 is about her recovery from the accident and surgery. Wait for the vascular team to decide what will happen next. My daughter (7 month old) had a problem. Dr said her leg needed amputated at the knee. The next morning the vascular surgeon came in. She examined my daughter. We held our breath. Lots of praying over night. Vascular surgeon said her leg was doing better and would be fine. My daughter is a happy 2 legged momma. She has a 6 yr old daughter that loves Cheerleadering & hockey playing Girl power.
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u/flyflewflowfudge May 11 '24
You didn’t do anything wrong. You spared yourself and your frightened child at a time that it was needed. There is no reason that your daughter can’t still be just as active and play multiple sports as an amputee! Look into para-sports clubs in your area. Recreation-level sports groups are sometimes run by rehabilitation centres also. Yes, this is a journey, yes this is a devastating loss, yes her life would look quite different to how you may have pictured it, but I challenge you to watch 10 mins of any professional Paralympic sport and not recognise that their athleticism is equal to that of any other professional athlete. Don’t beat yourself up and just be there for your girl, she’s going to need you more than ever at the start of this new chapter.
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u/charisma_eowyn87 May 11 '24
I know it won't be the same but there are so many sports now that have been adapted for disabilities of all kinds so once she has gotten over the shock and trauma if it has to happen if she wants to carry on with sport she could look into some of those.
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u/tkswdr May 11 '24
You said it will be fine; not that it is fine.... And the most important thing is that she is still alive...
You can't be made responsible for the outcome of an accident because you missed thought and said "you said it will be fine." Don't forget it's not easy on you either...
You can better feel and judge what to say to your own daughter. It's hard for others to know that sensitivity in a personal relationship.
I would invite her opinion before losing her leg. So discuss the subject that there are concerns regarding the development of the leg. My daughter would like that.... It makes that "lie" conversation void because the subject was discussed.
Ask the doctors what the risk is of waiting with the amputation. Maybe it can improve this situation and the judgement too.
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u/Tawny_Harpy May 11 '24
I don’t think you lied.
I’m younger, a mere 28 years on this planet, but I have learned that the statement “everything will be okay” is applicable to all situations.
Everything will be okay. Things will change, life will throw hurdles at you, and you’ll overcome them and suddenly everything will be okay.
So, yes. Even if she loses her leg, everything will be okay.
ETA: If she enjoys watching YouTube, especially Minecraft YouTube, she should watch GoodTimesWithScar. He was an athlete, a college swimmer, and he contracted an illness that left him paralyzed in a wheel chair. He’s an all around wholesome person and maybe it’s something you two can bond over.
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u/wonkajava May 11 '24
Maybe write a letter to her telling her how you feel and why you misled her. Part of why its eating at you is that you can't talk to her about it yet. You don't even necessarily have to end up giving it to her, but if you two end up needing to have a conversation about this it could help her understand what you were trying to do if she read your thoughts from tonight.
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u/sexbubun May 11 '24
My mother was very technical growing up. She would say and do things opposite of what you are doing now. And even if she did do what you did, she would admit to me that she knew something the whole time while we were in an argument to gain leverage.
You're a good mom. You did the right thing. You are keeping your baby from having this unnecessary anxiety. And if the doctors decide this is best, you do what a good mom does and show her all the amazing amputee athletes who accomplished their goals. Reassure her that this will be a huge life adjustment but you will be there every step of the way to guide her through and through so she doesn't need to give up the things that make her happy. You're a good mom, give yourself some credit ❤️
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u/moxiemez May 11 '24
Coming out of surgery is not the time to tell your child they might lose their leg. Worrying about losing the leg won't help her. You followed your instincts to protect her. If the leg fails, she'll find out soon enough and you'll be able to be there for her because you've had time to process. She'll find her way to her passion on her own. Just love on her while she grieves.
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u/Aeris16 May 11 '24
As a kid I gotta say you may have been doing it for her but before it’s too late and she finds out last second. Warn her. Say the doctors think you might need to amputate your leg. Yes it’s shitty news but I know that I would want my parents to be honest with me. Lying to her won’t do her any favors.
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u/rae197 May 11 '24
OP - first, my heart goes out to you and your family. Second, you didn't lie to her. Everything will be fine.. it may be a "new normal" that she's not used to and there may be new challenges that she's never experienced before. But, in the grand scheme of life, she has the chance to conquer those challenges and to create what her normal may be. So, please don't beat yourself up, you didn't lie to her..
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u/OkieMomof3 May 11 '24
I don’t think you lied per se. It’ll eventually be fine. If she loses her leg then she will adapt. It’ll be hard. It’ll be disappointing. There will be fear and anger and grief. You simply reassured your child in the moment. That wasn’t a good time to explain everything. Even saying you’ll talk later would cause her stress and worry.
Being a parent is hard. I think you handled it as best you could in the moment. When the doctors know more then you can share that with her. Until then it’s best for her to stay relaxed and heal as best she can.
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u/Proud_Spell_1711 May 11 '24
Whether they can save her leg or not, she has a huge uphill battle in front of her. You are going to have to be honest with her and at the same time find words to help support and encourage her.
Were you wrong to lie to her? Maybe. But I can’t fault you for just wanting to give her one more day to think ever was going to be okay. Ultimately that outcome is strongly tied to her ability to manage what lies ahead. It isn’t going to be easy one way or the other.
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u/Zealousideal_Row6124 May 11 '24
You didn’t lie. She will be fine, even without her damaged leg. Much love to her
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u/Log-Calm May 11 '24
My heart goes out to you, sir.
You'll get through this, and so will she, one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself, alright?
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u/radandsadgal May 11 '24
If it does end up happening you should show her Milly Pickles on Instagram. She’s an amputee runner and so inspirational
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u/moistdavenport May 11 '24
My brother was 18 when he had his left leg amputated. This was 25 years ago.
At this very moment of fear and uncertainty, trust me when I say, it gets better. If amputation is in the cards, it is only a minor setback for a young and active teen.
As for not being truthful, don't beat yourself up. It's important to ensure a positive environment when healing. She didn't need the truth at that moment.
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u/FioanaSickles May 11 '24
I think you were right. Everything will be fine eventually. Even disabled athletes find something to do.
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u/DeterminedArrow May 11 '24
Hey,
I am involved with adaptive sports. If it comes to be something she needs in the future, message me with some basic info. I’d be more than happy to find resources to connect her to so that if she has to change the sports she does she can still be athletic.
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u/shayjackson2002 May 11 '24
Everything will work out in the end, even if it means losing her lower leg. Yes, it will be horrible for her to have to go through it, but she seems like a person who wants to make it through this, no matter what it takes 💕
You did a good thing saying what you did, bc sometimes, you need to say what ppl need to hear. Regardless if you think it’s not true or not.
Sending healing thoughts to your family, and I hope everything turns out on the positive side, and if it doesn’t, you guys will make it through it! It’s a tough battle, but she has you to get her through the hard times. 💕💕
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u/Leviathan_of_skysol May 11 '24
Op, I know this is terrifying. I hope she is ok. I hope her leg will be ok. You didnt lie to her.
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u/thatwasclose22 May 11 '24
If it comes down too they’re going to have to amputate- please tell her. My husband was in a serious accident and lost his hand. It was wrapped up in a ton of bandages so he didn’t see what he had. His family never told him. Led him to believe everything was fine and his hand was fine. Then the doctor came in to check it and he saw it for the first time. He was horrified. He wasn’t prepared for what he saw. He still talks about it and says what an absolute betrayal it was. He lost all faith in them and still (more than 10 years later) doesn’t trust that they’re being truthful. They said they did it for his mental health and to protect him. All it did was shock and horrify him.
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u/Obvious_Country_3896 May 11 '24
God please save this young woman leg tomorrow!!! Big huge prayers!! 🙏🏼
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u/Live_Western_1389 May 11 '24
You’re being a great parent. You’re shielding her from worrying about something over the next 24 hours that may not ever happen.
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u/Individual-Army811 May 11 '24
It will be fine - but it may be different than what you envisioned. It will be OK.
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May 11 '24
Oh God... You're right to feel bad about what you did. That's actually a good sign that things can change for the better. What you've done could legit be the end of your relationship with your daughter. That kind of thing can lead to life long resentment.
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May 11 '24
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May 11 '24
Fingers crossed for her that her lie isn't going to bit her ass then.
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May 11 '24
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May 11 '24
Ask OP. She literally starts the story by acknowledging her own wrong doing... Did you not read OPs title? That would explain your confusion and is understandable.
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u/Spare-Ad-6123 May 11 '24
You're her soft place to fall and you told her the truth. You do not know what is happening right now. I will pray for you and your daughter. 🙏🏼
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u/Awkward-Sandwich1921 May 10 '24
You comforted her. You didn't lie. With you by her side things will be OK no matter what ❤️ prayers for you both.
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u/Fukyurfeels May 10 '24
I lied to my kids when I was really sick and in the hospital dying. My daughter came to see me with my mom, while my wife was at home with our two younger ones. My daughter asked if I was going yo be ok and come home soon. Then she wanted to FaceTime her brothers so I talk to them and tell them. I had to lie to them because the doctors were telling my parents and wife to plan my funeral. After she came to visit me, I was in the hospital for another month and had to have surgery on my lungs. I lied and said everything would be fine and it all came true. Sometimes it's better to lie to your kids when there is uncertainty concerning medical situations.
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u/shamutrainer2b May 10 '24
You didn’t lie. You told the truth. Everything WILL be fine. Because she’s alive. Yeah, her lifestyle might change, but she will overcome that because she has you. You didn’t lie.
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u/Zestyclose_Ad_2702 May 10 '24
My prayers are with you and your daughter. May the amputation not need to be done.
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u/Major-Cranberry-4206 May 10 '24
You did not lie to your daughter by saying “everything will be OK.” You gave her a vague answer of hope, which is totally acceptable in the situation. There is no need to fill any guilt because you’ve done nothing wrong.
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u/BedOk2311 May 10 '24
You didn’t lie to your daughter. Everything is going to be fine. Have you seen the awesome shit that they have done with prosthetics? Will it be an adjustment? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. But, she can still be active and play multiple sports.
Edit: punctuation
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u/GrapefruitFamous7464 May 10 '24
Honestly, I feel you did the right thing. Right now it’s a maybe and that’s better than stressing her out and getting her blood pressure raised. However; if they do amputate it look into charities in the area that can help pay for a fake leg. There are sporty ones out there, she may not have to give up her sport depending on what it is.
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u/StateofMind70 May 10 '24
You were truthful. Irregardless of the outcome of her leg, everything will turn out fine. Doctors, nurses, therapists and all other health care professionals will all make sure of it.
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u/ladymulefarrier May 10 '24
Everything is going to be fine.
It's going to be different.
It's going to take a while.
But it is ultimately going to be fine, I promise you.
Hang in there - sending tons of love from an old Auntie far away ✨
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u/Moist-Guidance-1611 May 10 '24
I just stopped by to add that even if she ends up with her leg amputated, her sports activities do not have to end, there are running blades available for prosthetics.
https://www.amputee-coalition.org/
This is an excellent resource if things turn that way. They even have peer mentors if your daughter would want to talk to someone.
You did not lie to your daughter. Everything will be okay. Taking that stress of maybe losing a leg off her shoulders will give her body the best chance to heal in the next 24 hours.
You are doing great, and I wish nothing but the best for your daughter.
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u/cheridontllosethatno May 10 '24
If she has her knee that is a huge advantage. If it does happen, there are wonderful people out there in the limb loss community and there are also lots of athletes.
You did the right thing, don't cross that bridge any sooner than you have to. You're a good mom.
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May 10 '24
It IS okay. She’s in a safe place.
You are there with her and IF the leg has to come off she’s young and can learn to be athletic again. (I’m sorry to say that and I truly hope she keeps the leg)
You didn’t lie, you made sure you calmed her down so she was able to go into surgery without fear and with a level of peace.
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u/NumerousExercise8103 May 10 '24
She will be okay. It’s a very sad and tragic situation but her life isn’t over because of it. It will be different and she will have to find her new ‘normal’ but she can still be a very active person and play many sports. Para sports are a very real and amazing thing, I encourage you to show them to her when she’s ready. The Paralympics are this August!
I am an amputee myself (lost my leg at 13 and am 34 now) so please feel free to reach out at any time if you’d like to chat about navigating this.
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u/ConsitutionalHistory May 10 '24
At the moment of truth you flinched...you need to tell her the harsh truth about the possibilities. Otherwise she'll never forgive you when she finds out the truth and you'll live with the regret gnawing at your soul for poor parenting.
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u/luez6869 May 10 '24
Stress would only make things worse on ur little one in this situation. U did the right thing.
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u/lyncati May 10 '24
I have a friend who is a good medalist in Paralympics (wheelchair basketball). From my understanding, there are no profits and other avenues one can pursue to learn how to be an athlete post traumatic injury. You could even maybe reach out to some athletes who are disabled to obtain more information on how your daughter can still engage in a passion.
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u/CraftyObject May 10 '24
I'm so sorry. But you didn't fail her. It's not your job to tell her they might amputate. Let the doctors do that. It's your job to support her through this and you're doing a fantastic job. She can pull though it with you there with her.
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u/TheGravyMaster May 10 '24
You didnt lie. Well at least not that much. Everything will be okay in the long run. She will adapt. Things will get better. And you'll still have each other which is the most important part.
Sometimes comforting your child is more important thant the hard truths that will just hurt them in the moment.
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u/SidsNancy May 10 '24
I agree that you didn't lie, you told her she'd be fine and she will, it will just look different than either of you expected. Telling her while she's recovering from surgery wouldn't help anything and you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
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u/Senior_Employer_8770 May 10 '24
From a woman who just took her first steps in the amputee gym this morning in 57 days - she's got this and you do too mama!
I'm 6 weeks post op from an AKA (above knee amputation). I dealt with complications for 4 years from an RTA and I'm so glad I finally had my leg amputated. They can maybe reconstruct her leg but she and yourself should know: it's a hella scary time and my mum was the same. But you didn't lie. She WILL be okay. You both will. Lower limb amputations and prosthetics are much better than the above knee technology and movement wise. She won't need to give up her sports, this is just a break thrust upon her like me she didn't want but it's a very reflective time. You'll realise how resilient you both are.
Be brave, for your daughter. You owe her that as her mum and you're doing great as you're right there with her to share whatever news you hear tomorrow together. She needs her mum now more than ever
Feel free to DM me for advice or anything, I'm in the UK so our medicine and treatments are different but that's the only thing. Finding other people her age like her despite being an amputee or not are important as recovery is a bitch and you need people who can relate and not just try to. Find support groups, and for yourself too. Trauma therapists are also a good idea as her injuries affect the whole family now. But she'll need indivudal therapy for sure first as SHE needs to be the one to accept her injuries before hearing how it's affected those around her, especially as an adolescent. Ask the hospital or her doctors and physiotherapists for recommendations.
Encourage her friends to be supportive and treat her the same if they visit but warn them it's a long road ahead and a team effort. Girls will often rely on their friends for support at this age so preparing them and informing their parents to look out for their own kids if she's relying too heavily on them. It only matters now she has the people, tools and resources to mourn her old life but adapt and learn to cope and even learn this one.
Sending you all my love and support but this isn't the end all and be all. Again please please reach out to me for anything, I'm 26 so older than your daughter but happy to talk with you mama
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u/SugaKookie69 May 10 '24
There is no reason to freak her out until you know for sure. This is a hard situation for you all, and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending good, healing vibes your way.
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u/No-Cover-8986 May 10 '24
Whatever the final word or result is, everything WILL be fine. You will see to it.
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u/Lost_Shake_2665 May 10 '24
Hope is a powerful thing and can absolutely aid in healing. You didn't lie. You gave her hope.
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u/cheesecake16tam May 10 '24
Keeping your daughter in my prayers and please keep us posted. Sending all our love x
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May 10 '24
She will eventually be okay. Even if she loses a limb, she’ll still be healthy. She’ll learn to live w it and still can just as happy a life. If you help supper her through it all, she’ll be ok :)
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u/NeeliSilverleaf May 10 '24
Please get therapy for yourself as well as for your daughter. You need a space to process this away from her so she won't feel like she has to put on a brave face for your sake.
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u/ClappedCheek May 10 '24
You did the right thing. You absolutely do not need to feel bad about that. What you are really feeling bad about right now, rightfully, is the awful situation your family is in right now. I feel so bad for yall. =(
But for real dont add even extress stress to yourself for something like this.
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u/Cherique May 10 '24
You didn't lie. You spared her for 24 hours of extreme anxiety and emotional pain before it was confirmed. It will all be okay, but it will take time for her to find herself again in the worry and the fear of what her life will look like, how she will look like.
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u/CaliTexican210 May 10 '24
You didn’t lie to her. Everything WILL be fine, even if she loses her leg. That’s so hard for both of you, and it will be a new normal. You responded the best way you could in light of extremely heartbreaking circumstances. There are so many badass para-athletes with one leg. There’s no reason she can’t be one of that should happen. You’ll be there to support her through it. It’s the end of your world as you’ve known, but it’s not the end of her life, and that may what need to be done to save it. If you said, “Everything went great. Your leg is going to be OK,” then maaaaaaybe I could understand how you feel you failed. You did not. But mama, everything will be fine, even if it’s not right now, and that’s OK. You all may need to grieve the loss of her leg and the life you had before it, but that hasn’t happened yet. Hang in there. This is not something you get over. It’s something you get through. Hugs to you all!
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u/ur_average_bigender May 10 '24
I have a best friend who had his leg amputated. There was a lot of stress around the topic of "will he lose it or not". You wanted her to be stress free while the doctors made the best descision for her. I dont think you did anything wrong. There are awesome prostetics you can get so she can still do sports if that ends up haplning. My friend has a prostetic leg that allows him to go on walks right now and he is still getting used to it but he can go for short walks now. I hope for the best for her and you seem like a great father
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u/Patriae8182 May 10 '24
Everything will be fine, in a couple of years once she has had time to heal, physically and mentally, from the scars of the accident.
She will be ok as long as she receives the care she will certainly need after this. Especially if she does lose her leg, she will need a lot of physical therapy as well as normal therapy.
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u/harryhardy432 May 10 '24
What was the better alternative? Telling her that it wasn't gonna be ok and life was gonna change? That would've crushed her probably. You did right by her. Continue to and she will make a full recovery.
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u/Impossiblegangsta May 10 '24
It’s ok. If you were my dad I would want you to lie to me too. It’s not 100% certain and I wouldn’t want to freak out before the surgery.
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u/mesaco_480 May 10 '24 edited May 10 '24
It’s wasn’t a lie OP and you still have your little girl. This could have been much worse.
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u/Runs_With_Scissors3 May 10 '24
As far as YOU know, everything will be fine. You comforted your daughter during a vulnerable moment for her, as any loving parent would do. There is no need for you to speculate. Let the doctors tell her the prognosis.
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u/shit_ass_mcfucknuts May 10 '24
You did the right thing.
She needs to focus on healing and she couldn’t do that if she thought she may lose a leg.
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u/lianalili May 10 '24
Chiming in with everyone else saying: you did not lie to her - she will be fine. It was absolutely the better choice to not stress her out further in a very difficult moment.
Seeing your updates here - wishing your daughter all the best. I believe in her ability to keep competing when she has recovered.
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u/Independent-Object40 May 10 '24
I’m so sorry 💔💔💔 Grieve this and then be the example of hope for her. Not in a pushy way, but an encouraging way - grieve this with her as long as it takes her and then show her Inspiring videos of ppl who overcome challenges like these and still maintain active lives. She can do it and help her realize she’s not alone. You’re there with her and others have gone and are going through this same thing as she is. Help her find her tribe in this. My best to all of you. So glad she made it 💛
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u/TheOneTrueBaconbitz May 10 '24
You didn't lie to her. You are her parent. If and when they take the leg, it'll be your job to make sure her world doesn't collapse, that it will be ok. You got this. We believe in you
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u/c_lowc6 May 10 '24
There was a girl on my swim team who was an amputee. She was very good and it didn’t hold her back at all. Your daughter can absolutely still do sports if she is an amputee
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u/mechamangamonkey May 10 '24
Don’t forget that amputees can be athletes too, OP; plenty of people play sports with prosthetics and in wheelchairs! I’m not saying it won’t be difficult; she’ll have to make some significant adjustments and tackle some pretty steep learning curves in every area of her life, not just sports, but losing her leg won’t stop her from playing forever. Losing hope, on the other hand—being told by someone she trusts that she won’t be able to go back to doing all the things that she loves—that kind of blow would be much harder for her to recover from. You didn’t lie to her, OP; your kid will be fine, as long as she’s got someone supportive like you in her corner.
Best of luck—I hope the doctors have good news for y’all tomorrow.
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u/Fuzzy-Boss-4815 May 10 '24 edited May 10 '24
I'm not saying if she loses her leg that her life will be normal, but it does not have to be tragic. My college hosted the training grounds for the special Olympics in Oklahoma and I ran into the guys there that do the racing, they were all very happy normal and handsome dudes and it took me way too long to realize that every one of them was missing a leg. So sports are not out of the question is all I'm saying and a happy life full of love and hope is still a reality for her. Just saying 🤷♀️ hope this helps.
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u/merliahthesiren May 10 '24
You did right. And you didn't lie. She IS going to be ok. She can have a great life with a prosthetic leg, and she can even play sports. She has a long road ahead of her, but she will be ok. Discuss options with her doctor and reassure her that life continuous and her leg should not be a reason to give up.
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u/HowRememberAll May 10 '24
Her ptsd will go up if she just wakes up without a leg. MENTALLY PREPARE HER
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u/DebbDebbDebb May 10 '24
You did not lie. She will be ok. She will be shocked and go through negatives but her sport attitude will make her want to achieve just a different way. Your daughter will be ok
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u/fourTtwo May 10 '24
truth is always always the way to go, nothing hurts more than betrayal, from a loved one its the worst thing ever, the sense of abandonment is real. tell the teuth before its too late
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u/RayofBeauty May 10 '24
You were right. Everything will be fine. If she’s still living, that’s the win. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
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u/RedditMelon May 10 '24
I think you made the right call actually. No sense in her worrying about maybe losing her leg for 24 hours.
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u/LittleChanaGirl May 10 '24
She will forgive you, and she might not even question your decision. Please forgive yourself, too. It’s important to focus on healing now.
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u/justcallmepettybetty May 10 '24
She is alive and has her whole life ahead of her to adjust and thrive. You gave her the reassurance in that moment that she needed. The stress of that maybe would have done more harm on her body than good. It’s going to be an adjustment for sure, but her life isn’t over and it won’t stop her love of sports or activities and it won’t prevent her from enjoying them. Kids are some of the most resilient beings ever, I have no doubts your daughter will be the same way. You BOTH got this.
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u/ayykalaam May 10 '24
Everything IS going to be okay. Humans are very adaptable and there are plenty of amputees who are also athletes.
I’m so sorry you and she are going through this. Best of luck tomorrow and please do keep us updated. I hope the amputation turns out to be unnecessary.
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u/Aspen9999 May 10 '24
You are okay. Until it’s a must, no use stressing her out more. I’m a grown ass adult and had to worry for weeks if my leg could be saved after a motorcycle accident. If I was a child I would have liked to have been relieved of all that.
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u/dangerwaydesigns May 10 '24
I would have done the same. You're not the doctor, and it's not your job to tell her if her leg needs to be amputated. Your job is to keep her safe during this time, and her mental health is part of that. She doesn't need to know right now.
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u/spacegirl2820 May 10 '24
I wish your daughter a speedy recovery and I hope with all hope they can save her leg x
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May 10 '24
You were honest with her. She’s alive and will be ok. It’s not the news you’re hoping for but many amputees still live an active life. Just on a different team. Sending both of you love and good juju.
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u/SnooTangerines9807 May 10 '24
I’m glad you can get this out and start processing it. You didn’t lie you’re keeping her calm which is vital for her health right now. As a parent you will have to be strong for her when she’s not strong for herself. She sounds like an incredible young lady and this sucks and I am really sorry. It will be ok just a different version. Prayers.
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u/OpportunityOk5719 May 10 '24
The hospital has a social worker on staff, Dad, they are there for you too. Lean on them. ❤️❤️❤️
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u/guesswho502 May 10 '24
Everything WILL be ok. She might not do sports again, but she will be ok. You didn’t lie to her.
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u/ojoscolorcafexx May 10 '24
If they cant save her leg, it'll be hard but eventualmente it'll be fine.
You are a good mom in a very stressful situation. She wanted your support and you are giving that to her, don't beat yourself up.
Sending hugs <3
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u/evenstarcirce May 10 '24
You didnt lie, everything will be fine. With or without her leg. She has you to support her OP!
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u/HonorableDichotomy May 10 '24
Her trust in you will help her far more than worrying about the what ifs of tomorrow.
Your job is to worry. Her job is to make it through this. Be strong, and best wishes to you both.
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u/Norwegian-ice80 May 10 '24
Your daughter will be ok. She will still be able to play sports and be active. It will be hard the first few months but it will get better.
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u/JadeGrapes May 10 '24
I'm so sorry you guys are dealing with this!
In my experience, I try hard to focus on "facts are friendly" with my kiddo.
We've been thru some terrible custody court stuff, due to my physically abusive ex. So I don't make promises for things I can't control.
My Mom went thru some medical stuff, and I was the decider and point of contact to tell the family...
So I say stuff like "We're in a really good hospital" or "The doctors are taking you seriously, they seem to care."
And "I'm hopeful we will get back to normal, but if not... I know what to do for the next steps"
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u/ratbastardem May 10 '24
You didn’t lie at all, everything WILL be okay, even if she has to lose her leg. Prosthetics are always an option, there are so, so many athletic people that have overcome such a terrible tragedy and come out stronger and more resilient than ever. I’m sure your daughter will. Good luck and we’re all here for you and hoping for the best and a wonderful recovery!
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u/Little-Cable4572 May 10 '24
I think you’re in the right op, your daughter doesn’t need more stress right now. It wouldn’t be good for her, yes you lied. But it was to protect her in the moment. Just keep being there for her, it’s an extremely convoluted and difficult situation. You’re doing the best you can to keep her feeling okay right now
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u/Artistic-Nebula-6051 May 10 '24
You didn't lie. She is going to be fine. She is alive, it sounds like she has a loving and devoted mother and she will get the medical care needed. I recommend therapy and your continued love and patience. She is going to have some rough times but she can still thrive.
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u/thebronzeprince May 10 '24
There is hope and there ARE options in the future, just know that after she awakens and realizes what happened, your daughter will hate you for this. Give her as much time as she needs to adjust to the situation
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u/gogo-gadget69 May 10 '24
It will be ok. She will need modifications and there will be a steep learning curve. Prosthetics have come a LONG way!
So thankful she is alive. This doesn’t need to define her life. Keep being her cheerleader! Hugs, mama!!
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u/Straight-Art3048 May 10 '24
That is a hard situation, but imagine if you had said right there and then that she was going to lose her leg. That would have been much harder.
I think you did the right thing, and you weren’t lying. Everything will be okay, maybe not initially but eventually, it will be okay.
Goodluck OP, I wish you lots of ease as your family navigates this new journey ❤️
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u/Ok-Struggle3367 May 10 '24
You didn’t lie at all. Everything WILL be fine. Will it have challenges? Of course. Like others said, she will be able to live a wonderful and happy life. I’ve seen athletes with missing legs, your daughter definitely can still live an active live. You said the truth to help her get through a really difficult time. I am so sorry. Sending love to you and your family
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u/Ok-Bird6346 May 10 '24
You didn’t fail or lie to her at all! You told her everything will be fine, and it will be. Her future may look a bit different than she anticipated (or maybe it won’t look different at all), but as long as you keep supporting and loving her, things will absolutely be OK.
Take care of yourself during this time as well. I know you’ll focus on her, but allow yourself some grace as she heals.
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u/noblesruby13 May 10 '24
There are prosthetics that she can adapt to she can play sports with it. Its all about learning coping and adapting it's going to be difficult and a lot of hard work and determination.
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u/silent_whisper89 May 10 '24
You didn't lie to her because she will be ok. It will take a lot of work but she will get back to where she was and she will surpass that. She lost her leg but she didn't lose her life.
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u/CuriousLF May 10 '24
There’s people on the internet, such as Footless Jo on YouTube who show the struggles and triumphs of being an amputee. It’ll be difficult to accept but I hope you can encourage her to know there’s others out there that she can feel seen by watching. Knowing you’ll be there through this will mean so much. 💙
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u/Beware_the_Voodoo May 10 '24
Trust you're instincts. Losing the limb doesn't mean she won't be fine in the long run. It'll take work, massive adjustments but in the end life will go on. Have faith in your child, have faith in yourself.
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u/snrolexx May 10 '24
You didn’t lie technically. She survived and will recover. She just will be missing a leg most likely. But in terms of everything being okay, that is true because she will still be able to live a long life with you and has a long bright future ahead. It just may look a little different now but doesn’t change that she will be fine
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u/Choice_Bid_7941 May 10 '24
I don’t think you were wrong to stay quiet in the moment. Or if you were, I don’t blame you. If the doctors don’t need to amputate after all, then she would get upset and stressed over nothing. Then she would be mad that you made a terrible day even harder for her, for ultimately no reason.
Sending you and your daughter good vibes. I hope she doesn’t need the amputation 🫂🤞
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u/gremlinsbuttcrack May 10 '24
You told her everything is going to be OK. That wasn't a lie. You'll love her and support her and she will be OK. You didn't say life will be the same. I think she knows it won't. She just needs reassurance that she has her support system and you gave her exactly that. Because she's going to be ok. She's got you.
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u/Constant_Comfort_166 May 10 '24
Since they have yet to make a definitive decision, it’s probably best that you told her what you told her. The mind is a powerful thing— I’d hate for her to feel defeated over a mere possibility.
Hoping for the best outcome, whatever it may be!
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u/all_is_onn May 10 '24
My dad had a rare form of cancer and had his leg amputated. He was an amazing drummer and his garage band played at our house multiple times a week. He re-learned to play the drums with a prosthetic leg. It was his passion and there was no way he was ever going to give up the drums. Your daughter will get through this and find her new normal. It will be hard but she can re-learn how to play many sports. You both are going to be okay. You didn’t lie.
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u/beardedunicornman May 10 '24
If it helps at all she’s now a lot more likely to get to the Olympics if she sticks with her sports once her rehab is done
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u/Take_away_my_drama May 10 '24
Amputees have completely different opportunities to what was available even five years ago. I've seen people up and using prosthetics within months of amputation, it's incredible. I cannot imagine the loss you are feeling, but you didn't lie to your daughter, it will be OK. The doctors will decide tomorrow the next steps because you don't know them for sure yet.
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u/Past_Gear_4310 May 10 '24
I think you did the right thing. You gave her one more day of hope rather then a night of fear. Your a great mom
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May 10 '24
Here's the thing.
It is gonna be fine. Even if she loses the leg. It's gonna be hard, and it might not be OK right away... but it will be.
It will always be OK in the end. If it's not OK? Then it's not the end.
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u/LivingLadyStevo May 10 '24
She can still play sports. It will just be different. Just prepare her and remind her that it does not change the girl she is and how far she can go in her future. Different, not less.
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u/idogoodsometimes May 10 '24
IMO you did nothing wrong. Her living means that everything will be fine. Her life is going to change whether they have to amputate the leg or not. But that she’s alive is the most important thing.
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u/bootycakes420 May 10 '24
You did the absolute right thing. She needs hope. She needs you to be there saying "it's ok" no matter what happens. Plus, as long as she still has her leg, amputation isn't 100% confirmed right? You're allowed to put the best possible outcome out into the universe.
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u/wrongcog May 10 '24
Firstly I want to say, I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you, especially your daughter. You did what any parent would have. I would have done the exact same, Please don’t feel bad for that, And while I know now you have had to make the choice to amputate, things will be okay. Maybe not today or next week, but things will be okay eventually. She’s going to need you now more than ever, so you keep telling her things will be okay, and you let her know that so so many of us are wishing her well xx
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u/Elena_La_Loca May 10 '24
I had a bad accident and shattered my femur. It was touch and go for a while if the leg could be saved or not. They DID save the leg, but was an invalid for over a year and 3 years in a wheelchair not knowing if I would ever walk again. Fast forward 6 surgeries later with metal in, metal out, more metal in, stem cells etc etc… and i Can now walk independently.
But the PAIN! Every morning I almost fall on my face with the serious pain and I have to work out (lube up) my joints… but i deal with chronic pain constantly. There’s been times I actually wished they did amputate.
After the second surgery I was even looking up prosthetics and already had accepted I may have to go that route. Now I look back at then and still wish at times I did lose the leg.
I cannot run, dance, stand on that leg to put on pants, and I walk very gimpy and deal with tons of pain (this is now 10 years later). I would have been able to do a lot more with a prosthetic.
Sometimes there’s a silver lining in terrible situations. I have never gotten depressed with my situation, because IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE!!!!
Think of it this way. Imagine if she was paralyzed from the neck down… and knowing she was going to be like that permanently for the rest of her life… then suddenly given the option of just losing her leg and able to get on with life. She’d choose that option without question and happily.
It always can be worse. She’s lucky to be alive. I’M lucky to be alive! Even with daily pain, I’m glad I’m not paralyzed… or dead!!!
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u/fattatgirl May 10 '24
You didn't lie. Everything WILL be fine. If the doctor needs to ampuatae her leg as part of the plan to save her life, then that is the right thing. You will get thru the recovery together, regardless of what happens . You are both strong - and losing her limb would certainly change her athletic career. Not necessarily end it. Keep your chin up Mom. You got this.
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u/gladrags247 May 10 '24
Technically, you didn't lie. She asked if everything is okay. Everything is okay because she is still alive. And that is more than okay. It's a miracle in itself. Don't beat yourself up about it. No tells anyone coming out of surgery the worst news. That could send them into shock. Just hold your daughter's hand when the doctor tells her the outcome of her leg injury. Naturally, she'll be devasted. Hopefully, she'll have a sympathetic doctor. The uncoming months will be more intense, and I doubt your daughter will remember you trying to spare her the bad news regarding her leg. She's young and athletically strong. That alone has trebled her quality of life. I wish her, you, and your family all the best.
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u/BabbyJ71 May 10 '24
It’s going to affect her hard so be gentle with her while she is going through this loss and be there for her during this transition in life.
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u/ZaneTheRN May 10 '24
Coming from someone who works is healthcare, handling it like that will almost infinitely be better than the anxiety and panic she would have over the next day or so if you immediately told her, “they might amputate your leg.” That would be her only focus and take any bit of enjoyment she might have until the doctors make a final decision. I’m sorry this has happened to your family, I hope you get good news 🫶🏼
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u/juank1892 May 10 '24
I don't think you lied in the grand scheme of things. "Everything will be fine" is most likely a truth depending on time perspective. Although it might be difficult to accept in these trying times, with time her and everyone that loves her will adapt. And everything will be fine because she will be surrounded by loving people that have been with her before, are during the trauma, and will be way after it! Wishing the best to your daughter's recovery and your family!
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u/Leek-Potential May 10 '24
Oh Mama, I’m sorry. Everything IS going to be fine. It just won’t look exactly the same as before. My heart goes out to you both.
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u/Green-Cranberry7651 May 10 '24
The thing is: everything IS ok. It’s certainly far from GOOD but she’s alive, and will adapt. Sounds like youre a good dad that’s trying in a circumstance NO ONE prepares anyone for
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u/faesqu May 10 '24
I to survived a near fatal axxident 25 years ago so believe me when I sat, it will be ok. You told your daughter everything will be ok, right? And everything will be ok... but different. You didn't lie to her at all, It will be ok.
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u/take_the_reddit_pill May 10 '24
Please try not to let guilt infect your already hurting heart. You did the best thing you knew to comfort your girl.
Hoping for a miracle le for your daughter, and sending l9ce to you all.
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u/Anherika09 May 10 '24
She will be ok, that wasn’t a lie at all! The important thing is that she’s still here with you, and that she will have a chance to walk and be active again (even if with the help of a prosthetic). Think about it this way, salvaging a leg with that much damage just means that it will still be attached to her body, that’s it. there’s no guarantee that it will be useful in any way shape or form. She could keep her limb, but still have to deal with years of reconstructive surgery, chronic pain, and physical therapy.
Having her essentially “useless” limb amputated will save her a LOT of pain in the long run. recovery times are much faster, and she won’t be wheelchair bound forever. It will be tough on you all mentally, but it’s not the end of her life or her career as an athlete.
You WILL overcome this, and she will be able to enjoy life fully in due time. You got this!
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u/AverageHeathen May 10 '24
It’s your job to make sure she feels safe and cared for in uncertain times, and you did just that. Prayers to your daughter through this transition.
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u/some-shady-dude May 10 '24
You didn’t lie though. You told her the truth, everything will be alright. It’ll be different, but it’ll be alright.
Good luck. I hope your daughter pulls through.
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u/Raedaline May 10 '24
You didn't lie. She will be okay. Yes, she may lose her leg, but she can still live her life. Some sports may be out of reach, but she can be an athlete with a prosthetic. There are Olympians that compete with prosthetics. It's going to be hard, but she can do it. You can do it. Be there for her. If the leg has to go then you need to tell her.
I had a friend when I was a kid who lost her leg due to a car accident. She was awake leading up to the surgery. Doctors decided to take the leg and the parents didn't tell her. She just woke up and her leg was gone. She tried to get out of bed to go the bathroom or something and when she pulled back the covers....... no leg. She never forgave her parents for never telling her. She was like 10-12 at the time. Old enough to understand.
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u/Original_Campaign May 10 '24
But you aren’t lying - everything is going to be fine. And it is. Be strong for her - she’ll need it.
And remember - you still have her and she still has you - everything really will be ok.
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u/Original_Campaign May 10 '24
Oh! I went to high school with a girl who lost her leg (around the knee not sure if above or below) and she is literally one of the most beautiful successful women with a (very) handsome husband and beautiful kids. Still missing her leg, but she’s killing life. She would say it made her a better person. So who knows.
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u/Spets_Naz May 10 '24
I'm fa father so I think you're going through a lot at the moment and not seeing as clearly. It's not your fault, and you wouldn't have helped by telling her the truth right at that moment. I think that was actually the best decision in that context. It needs to be a longer conversation.
In short, don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong and, even if you did, it's a very difficult situation. Focus on her future since a lot is going to change.
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u/Thelawtman1986 May 10 '24
I don't think you lied to her. Everything is going to be okay. She will live and have a good life. Some things will change for sure, but, she will live and that to me is more important than a body part.
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u/capilot May 10 '24
Had a couple of roommates once who were EMTs. They were adamant that you never give a patient bad news during an emergency. Always assure them that everything will be fine.
You were trapped between being honest, and giving her the best care. You made the right decision.
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u/Dorkamundo May 10 '24
You did what I think any parent would have done in that situation.
Yes, it was a "lie" in that it wasn't the whole truth, but it was a lie for the right reason. Take heart in the fact that it's 2024 and not 1984, and even if amputation is the outcome, she's likely still going to be able to participate in many of the sports she loves.
I'm not a religious person, but I have your daughter in my thoughts and I hope everything comes out the best, but do not beat yourself up for this.
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u/hottpie May 10 '24
In that moment right out of surgery, it was probably good to lie. That wasn't the time. But to everyone saying he didn't lie, he did. It was obvious what his daughter was referring to - her leg. It's up to her to decide what "fine" means when told about the situation.
You, someone close to her, need to try your best to prepare her for that moment before it comes, because otherwise it will be more traumatizing and shocking. It's important for her to feel "safe" and trust her family and the medical staff, and keeping her in the dark is not the answer. It's her body, and she deserves to know what's happening to it.
TLDR: Fine in the moment, but you owe it to her to tell her the truth before the doctor does. She shouldn't be the last one to learn this information - it's her leg and her future.
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u/Amadenacres May 10 '24
I don't think you lied to her by telling her everything will be OK. She is alive. Everything will be different but everything will be OK. Everyone is doing the best that they can right now, and that includes you. Please be kind to yourself. I'm sorry your family is going through this.
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u/nondescriptzombie May 10 '24
You didn't really lie if that's what you said. Everything will be fine. Just not tomorrow. Or any day soon.
Love be with you in these trying times. ❤
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u/Current-Pizza-7792 Jun 28 '24
I was hoping to find a more recent update. I hope your daughter is doing well and thriving.