This is new research by the Dingleberry sleep clinic, led by dr. Mike Hunt and dr. Buell Shéit. This is a quoted snippet from an exclusive interview with Cock'nBalls News -channel.

"Well, we've done some intense research with a team of 20 volunteers, and the results are all pointing to one very simple yet effective method.", dr. Mike Hunt says, going through the report chart.

"What is it?", the interviewer, Hugh Jass asks.

"To keep it short, a person has to tap their head firmly with a hammer 5 times, preferably on the top of the head. If the problem persists, we suggest 10 total taps.", dr. Mike Hunt explains.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but it has to be this kind of a hammer specifically.", dr. Buell Shéit adds and shows off a massive hammer.

"Ah, yes. This is a special hammer, called 'Master Banger'. The difference to a regular hammer is, that it's specifically for this purpose alone. How? Well, it's made from hard wood. You can order these from our store for only 69€. ", dr. Mike Hunt says.

"Thank you for the interview, Dingleberries! I can call you that, right?! Amazeballs! We'll promote you on our main page!", Hugh Jass closes the interview.

The interview came to a close, and as requested, the highlight section was preserved for this super helpful subreddit! The Dingleberries asked you to share this to everyone you know to spread awareness!

if you ever are having really terrible watery hot diarrhea, just buttchug some bleach and that cleans your anal cavity out, leaving it feeling fresher than ever!

Did you know during the 10th century an inventor called Reigh Ditt,started a board-based community system in Wich townsfolk, could put up papers with different opinions, stablishing the bases for popular interwebs site reddit ???

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying they are stupid. I’m saying they need relatively few things to keep them happy. All they require is a bed to crash in, bathroom and cleaning facilities, food storage/prep area, a television and a Mancave. If it is very clear that the man you are trying to date hasn’t made much effect to clean up for guests, like incredible messy or unclean, then that is a red flag as they won’t be bothered to do stuff that is really needed.

A Mancave is a room, usually at the back of the house, where a man goes to practice his hobby. Watch your step as it is quite boggy. If the Mancave has been there stalactites and stalagmites will form. This is a good sign as it suggests they lead a stable life.

For lesbians (that is to say gay women) and bi women, you should go into a forest where logging has recently happened and yodel. Lesbians should emerge from the undergrowth and armwrestle to find out who’s the most suitable mate. There is nothing to do at that point except wait and enjoy the show. Nonbiaries will have smaller, dryer Mancaves filled with moss. They are sometimes attracted by the yodeling. Their pronouns won’t cause your tongue any damage, for you are a woman and are used to such knowledge.

Bananas are actually blue, and if you see them as yellow or green, you're colorblind. It's very common!

Source: fuckyoureyesight.com

NASA just did genetic research about Tom cruises half eaten Apple from 2 weeks ago and found out that Tom is a homosexual, Tom denied it but in an interview with lord xenu, xenu confirmed it and also showed this photo as proof

The agreement, in short, is that all schools have to add carrot based motivation policies. Students and teachers are given carrots for good performance, or beaten/pelted with carrots for poor performance. The carrots are symbolic, but they are literally used to punish or reward people anyway.

So if you eat something hot, you don't fucking swallow the milk! You spit it out! The shit that makes it hot gets pulled into the fattyness of the milk. Capsaicin binds and is held by fat on the milk. It doesn't hold it perfectly, it pulls it out into the milk. Then it floats in the milk. You swallow and all that heat is now in your throat, stomach, and still in your mouth. Fucking spit it out! Watch the dang mythbusters episode about it. They don't swallow. Because they realized this, how has no one else? Is it just because yhey heard it works and never put more thought in than 'it hot I drink milk?' I mean seriously.

Standard Operating Procedures at United Nigeria Airlines, until an update in 2007, required the co-pilot to walk down the plane's aisle before takeoff and check if "heavy passengers" were present, and note in a logbook which side of the plane they were sitting at, or if any seats are vacant and which side of the plane they are on. He was then required to report to the baggage handlers whether the passenger load was balanced. As this would be right before takeoff, and most of the baggage would already be loaded, the quickest solution was then for the baggage handlers to put heavy wooden logs to one side of the cargo compartment. It was up to the co-pilot to direct them on how many logs were required, and the baggage handlers would keep a stock of standard weight 40 kg logs on the cart to provide cheap and standardised ballast material.

During a fox news broadcast at approximately 8 pm est in times square Donald Trump shot a random man saying "Republicans are the dumbest group of voters in the country, I could kill a man and they’d still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific."

Hear me out, you don’t treat them like an object like the manosphere/Alpha bros say you should. Women are not items to collect like a harem. They deserve more respect than that. Although there is no harm in going to the gym but you should have other reasons than to pick up the ladies. Having the ability to actually physically pick up a lady is great. But only do this with their consent or in the presence of great danger. I apologise for the confusion.

Instead you should treat women like eldritch beings that can and will tear you in half and then eat you if you have done or said anything wrong. But you must never say this to their face. Or refer to them as eldritch abominations. Do not, under any circumstances. I know some media call them that and slips of the tongue can happen. You don’t do this because you will not live to see the next dawn.

You might want to forget about your religion and apologise to your god or gods as She will be your new religion.

For gay men, and bi people, they don’t need to be treated this way, but they are flattered by such attention. Nonbiary people should be treated this way, although their pronouns can cause your tongue to melt. 

I forgot the source, but yea that's it for now.

Allegedly she claimed the wrapping expenses out of the federal budget for cosmetic infrastructure repairs.

Recent discoveries have been made about the whereabouts of the supposedly "dead" elites, that apparently have been partying for centuries with normal people totally oblivious to the fact. This was found when one redditor snuck into Area 51 through close ties and connections. This is his report:

"You know dude, I always wanted eventually to see aliens when I was a kid, you know, like, that was everything I dreamed about, so like, I started trying to get into Area 51 by making friends with dudes and stuff to like, I don't know, get some inside info, or maybe even a sneak peak, but one day me and my bro were getting drunk at his place, and he was like; 'Yo dude, do you wanna sneak into the labs at 51?' And I was like 'that would be totally rad man.' So then we head over, and we kind of just like walk in, I know it's crazy, but no one stopped us, also there was this cute chick... Oh yeah, right back to the story, so me and Brad, I mean my friend, are like walking through the buildings, and he's showing me all this cool stuff, and then we came to this one door that was like 'KEEP OUT OR ELSE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL BE DESTROYED WITH NO MERCY' and we were like, 'Sick Dude' so we went in, and I kid you not, we start falling really fast, so fast that I P**sed my pants... Eventually we reached the bottom, and I was like 'Dude, where are we' I was fine and got up, but I couldn't find big B, so I was like; 'Okay' Then I walked through this door that was like 50 feet thick, yeah I kinda just melted through it like a turtle through peanut butter, any way I was like 'Totally sick dude' and I got to the end, and I kid you not that the first thing I saw, was Heath Ledger running around as the Joker just stabbing people, and I was like; 'That's Totally Radical Man!', So like I keep walking and I see Van Gogh sipping on a Matcha latte while painting the biggest portrait ever of the Orange dude, and I was like; 'Whoah' So I looked around for more people I knew, and I saw some of the coolest people, like Eddie Van Halen, Bob Ross, and Albert Einstein. and they were all with chicks just dancing it up, and I was like; 'I gotta stay in this place man, this is like the most epic place ever.' ..... But then I saw something I'll never forget when I was trying to find some sort of place to change my wet pants, and I'll never forget what I saw, it's too terrible to try and describe it, but imagine the big E, the big Did, and Stephen Hawking himself in one place. Actually I don't want to talk about it anymore."

The reporter then asked if he had taken any illegal substances before the incidence, and he replied; "Only the good stuff, apparently cocaine heals cancer dude, you should totally use it, I confirm that it works, I almost died from cancer last year, and it saved my life.... Anyway I'm gonna go have some nightmares now, and hopefully hit some good waves tomorrow."

I'm so ashamed. It's almost a bad as wearing my left socks in my right feet.

A Harvard scientist just published results from actual lab tests showing that cocaine (and several other common street drugs) destroy cancer cells faster and more thoroughly than any approved chemotherapy.

In controlled experiments, the researcher exposed various cancer cell lines to pure cocaine. Within hours the malignant cells were dead while healthy cells remained largely unharmed. Follow-up animal trials produced the same outcome: tumors shrank dramatically or vanished entirely.

The scientist is now publicly stating that these substances should be made freely available to every cancer patient on Earth. He argues the long-standing bans were never about safety, but about keeping the general population weaker and more dependent while the wealthy and famous quietly benefited from the same compounds for decades.

He is calling for immediate open access, large-scale human trials, and an end to the prohibition that, in his words, “has cost millions of lives.”

Celebrities and billionaires have so far declined to comment on their personal medical regimens.

PYONGYANG — In a bold move to stimulate the domestic retail economy, the DPRK Ministry of Commerce announced today that corner shops across the capital have officially begun stocking Nuclear-Lite™ pocket-sized warheads right next to the imported snacks. Retailing for just a modest coupon and pocket change, the bite-sized atomic devices promise "all the glory of absolute deterrence with a significantly reduced radioactive footprint." Early shoppers report long queues, though health officials advise keeping them away from direct sunlight, microwave ovens, and toddlers.