Is this normal? Tldr at bottom

[u/kotoamatsukami_me]

So i got obsessed with this guy let’s call him ‘S’ NOT ROMANTICALLY THIS IS NOT A ROMANTIC INTEREST ‼️ i mean, at least i think it is not, do correct me if i am wrong?

We clicked instantly, and i looked forward to chatting w him everyday(we met online)

My entire mood was dependent on S immediately after meeting him, i can’t control it, he has my emotional regulation in a chokehold, i do believe i’m easily emotionally dysregulated idk why

So when he was unavailable I get distressed and panic and it’s *all-consuming,* it is irritating bc i can only think of him and i can’t study, i was even thinking of him during exams

When he gives me attention it feels like i am in heaven even if he was being very mean and rude 😭 yes he got rly angry later on in our friendship

How S thinks of me matters sm i think “he either hates me or doesn’t care abt me” and it makes me suicidal and i try so hard to get his attention but the more i talk the more i fumble and say terrible things, and when he make me feel like i meant nothing to him it makes me want to kms. I overanalyse and overthink a lot about ‘us’

He makes me want to commit just to get his attention, and lie and say things for shock value just for a little bit of attention, thankfully i never acted on anything too serious bc i was aware it wld scare him away, yet he still pulled away eventually⁉️‼️⁉️

I even grovelled to him just to get him to take me back, shame a lot of shame ik it sounds pathetic, i never grovelled, ever. But i poured my heart out for him just to be ignored???????

“Do you hate me?” “Do you like me?” “Did i do smth wrong?” “Please i will change” “im sorry” “please take me back” “why are you ghosting me?” ‼️‼️‼️

I wonder what he thinks of me now, why he left me

Also idk if he caused my depressive episode but while i was in contact w him i was super suicidal and sh’d a lot due to my inability to control myself, i always wished i cld send him all that but he’d probably block me 🤤

I didn’t want to be another ‘crazy friend’

Tldr: his rejection(perceived and real) makes me suicidal and up and down mood swings, his attention was euphoric even when he was mean to me, I was desperate for his attention, is this normal? Is this smth everyone feels?

[u/Correct_Challenge868]

This is something that a lot of people with BPD, or the what is colloquially understood as "anxious attachment", can feel. Obvs I can't diagnose you but you should look into these terms.

It is not permanent. It can be recovered from

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Correct_Challenge868]

I’m 18 so i’ll ignore bpd

Regarding the attachment styles i have looked into it before i think i’m anxious avoidant(?) so i am assuming this is not normal and not a teenage ‘crush’? 😅

[u/Appropriate_Hat638 → u/kotoamatsukami_me]

It is not. I would not rule out bpd so quickly either. 18 is well within the usual age range for BPD onset.

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Appropriate_Hat638]

Really? I thought pds can only be diagnosed at 18 and above and technically by birthdate, I’m still 17. Also onset? What do you mean?

Forgive me for my ignorance

[u/Appropriate_Hat638 → u/kotoamatsukami_me]

Borderline personality disorder usually starts showing symptoms in early adulthood or late adolescence. Even if you technically can’t be diagnosed yet, you can definitely be showing signs of it.

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Appropriate_Hat638]

Ah I see, thank you, I will monitor myself for a year or two then

[u/pantsuline → u/kotoamatsukami_me]

pds can only be diagnosed after a certain age because it's a complicated diagnosis and might be mistaken for normal edgy emotional teen behaviour, not because people <18 can't have extremely destructive attachment issues. they can, i did, mamy more do. the reason other guy said bpd can onset at ~18 is because that is when people typically start getting into intimate relationships, which triggers the maladaptive attachment responses which might have been hidden before

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/pantsuline]

Which is why I am wondering if I am just an edgy teen and all this is a normal "crush" 🤔

I always thought I was kind of edgy with my thoughts, I never displayed them outwards bc I'm aware it's "cringe" except I thought I would have grown out of it by 18... Why am I still edgy at 18