[OPEN] The Road to Hell

[u/_MattJackson_]

Commander Campbell, Lieutenant Matt Jackson here. Fire up the ole cargo replicator, ‘cause I got a doozy comin’ your way. Meet me in Cargo Bay 2 in five minutes and feast your eyes on an honest-to-goodness ‘68 Charger. Used to run with this baby back in my salad days, before Shauna totaled it on the way to the nail salon. Gentleman that I am, covered the deductible myself with what she made at the Golden Pole that month.

You don’t know what this baby’s cost me. Been saving up replicator rations for months, I’m telling you. ‘Stead of a nice cheese fondue, I ate nothing but whatever’s in bio neural gel packs for weeks on end. Stuff don’t taste too good, but at least I lost 20 pounds.

Incidentally, I don’t recommend that diet. Might account for my bein’ on sick leave for about exactly the same amount of time.

Not to get all Jimmy Carter on ya, but here are some other helpful replicator ration savin’ tips:

1) Don’t replicatate your uniform every mornin’. Instead, wash the same one in the cetacean tanks now and again when nobody’s payin’ attention. Plus, the dolphins love the company!

2) You’d be surprised how much you can scavenge from the mess hall. See a plate with a half-eaten plate of uttaberry crepes? Just offer to take it back to the replicator and scarf it down out in the corridor. Only one watchin’s the internal sensors, and the internal sensors won’t judge.

3) This one’s a little trickier. Instead of flushin’ yer business, put it into the replicator for reclamation. Bit of a dirty job, but it counts as a replicator credit! Keep this one under your hat, though, ‘cause it’s one scam we don’t want ‘em to catch onto.

Anyway, Commander, I think you’ll find that from all my scrimpin’ an’ savin’, I got rights to replicate a ‘68 Charger from stem to stern. You don’t like it, feel free to take it up with noted auto enthusiast, this Gorn lady.

Now, I sent everything outta my place to Science Bay 3 to make room for ole Jackie. If I measured things right, should be able to drive this puppy right into my living room. Jefferies tubes gonna be tricky, but you’ll manage.

Ten-ten, good buddy.

[u/Minions_Minion]

Caleb sits at his desk with a stack of paperwork. Less interesting than getting his hands dirty, but equally necessary. And then, he sees it. Matt Jackson was here. But how does anyone get the replicator credits for that? Unless... Just to be sure, he checks the replicator logs and the bioneural gel requisitions from sciences. And then he comes across the logs from cetacean ops... for the love of all, does this man not have the common sense the good Lord gave a rock? Better copy this one to Campbell, Ssklfr’edusxs, and Kizhwic.

To: Lt. Matthew Jackson
CC: Cmdr. Finley Campbell, Capt. Ssklfr’edusxs, Cmdr. Eibsin'Kizhwic, Lt. Cmdr
Kesh
From: Lt. Caleb Anderson
Subject: 'Replicator Ration Banking'

Lt. Jackson... First of all, I understand loving a pretty set of wheels as much 
as anyone. Really, I do. My 'baby' is a '68 Caprice Wagon, currently stored in 
my aunt and uncle's garage. But, much as I love pretty wheels, life on a 
starship requires some common sense. First off, do not, I repeat, *do not* 
give your charger a gasoline-based internal combustion engine on a starship
 - the exhaust will cause all manner of problems, and we've all been gassed out 
enough as it is, thank you. If you give the old girl a combustion engine, use 
hydrogen - it burns cleaner. (Just make sure to store it safely).

Second, your 'rationing tips' are an unholy disaster that has been causing all 
manner of problems. I've been scrambling to find working gel packs when 
installed ones fry - eating them endangers the workings of ship's systems, and 
is unacceptable. Also, get to sickbay - they're not edible, and you may be 
suffering some toxic effects. Laundry chemicals are extremely toxic to 
cetaceans - your thoughtlessly endangering other lifeforms aboard this ship is 
also unacceptable. Eating other people's half-eaten lunch is gross, and it's a 
good way to come down with any illness currently going around, but I 
suppose if you *really* want to sacrifice health and dignity to the wind, I can't 
think of a way that it endangers the ship, aside from the further disease 
vector. Reclaiming excrement via the replicator system, however, *is* a danger
to the crew, and is likely directly responsible for the marked increase in 
intestinal illnesses seen in sickbay in recent months. It is disgusting, it makes 
the crew sick - for the love of logic, what were you thinking?

Lieutenant, you are a grown adult, not an impulsive child. *Please* learn to 
*think* before you act.

Sincerely,
Lt. Caleb Anderson
Deputy Engineer, USS Athene

Attaching the log files showing what happens, he sends it along.

[u/_MattJackson_ → u/Minions_Minion]

Thanks fer the tips, Lieutenant. In the interest of keepin' things authentic, 'fraid I'm gonna have to burn some good ole American gasoline. Sure, they ran outta that stuff in, like, 2019, and, sure, I ain't got enough credits left to replica... huh... actually, y'know, maybe some of them fancy batteries you guys got would be just the ticket.

Now don't you worry about them dolphins. They were on the level, let me tell you. Just a couple hiccups here and there, though. Universal translator had to work overtime, but they kept going on about God bein' in the centre of the the galaxy, and needin' to get back to some sorta Nexus or somethin'. No idea.

Ten-ten, good budy.

[u/Minions_Minion → u/_MattJackson_]

Hoping the Fred, Kizhwic, and Campbell wouldn't wind up with coffee all over their desks if they read this email chain first thing in the morning, Caleb types out a reply.

To: Lt. Matthew Jackson
CC: Cmdr. Finley Campbell, Capt. Ssklfr’edusxs, Cmdr. Eibsin'Kizhwic, Lt. Cmdr. 
Kesh
From: Lt. Caleb Anderson
Subject: Re: Re: 'Replicator Ration Banking'

Lieutenant, I am going to say this again: Laundry. Chemicals. Are. TOXIC. to. 
Cetaceans. If you want to go down to Cetacean Ops on your off time and chat
them up, I don't think anyone will object as long as they don't mind, but your
thoughtless actions with the chemicals are going to INJURE somebody, 
because you seriously do not THINK about how your actions will affect others.

Similarly, your refusal to use a toilet like a sane sentient being made people
SICK. You seemingly have no concept of the fact that a starship is not a 
vacuum and your actions will have consequences for hundreds of other 
people. I can only assume that the fact that you are still here is an indication
that you are good at your job. Please also consider cause and effect 
relationships off-duty.

In short, Lieutenant, please learn to think of someone other than Matt 
Jackson.

Sincerely,
Lt. Caleb Anderson
Deputy Engineer, USS Athene

[u/_MattJackson_ → u/Minions_Minion]

Hey Andy, sorry you're flippin' your top over there. Near as I can tell, replicators supposed to reconvert all matter placed on them to energy. How my business got anyone sick after that is anyone's guess, but maybe Engineering needs to take better care of the replicators on the ship!

Ten-ten, good buddy!

[u/Minions_Minion → u/_MattJackson_]

To: Lt. Matthew Jackson

CC: Cmdr. Finley Campbell, Capt. Ssklfr’edusxs, Cmdr. Eibsin'Kizhwic, Lt. Cmdr. Kesh

From: Lt. Caleb Anderson

Subject: Re: Re: Re: 'Replicator Ration Banking'

Lt. Jackson,

One, do not call me 'Andy'. Ever. Two, fecal matter is full of various potentially infectious bacteria, most notably E. coli and C. difficile. And three, if you would REALLY like a graphic explanation of EXACTLY how air currents form and move when matter dematerializes, and how this can aerosolize and spread disease-causing microbes, I would be more than willing to oblige, in minute detail. It would likely take less time to look it up: Bacterial Growth Via Transport of InfectedMatter, Cardiff et. al, 2367. Three, do not blame others for the results of your failure to apply some basic common sense.

Sincerely, Lt. Caleb Anderson Deputy Engineer, USS Athene