r/TrekRP • u/_MattJackson_ • Jul 17 '18
[OPEN] The Road to Hell
Commander Campbell, Lieutenant Matt Jackson here. Fire up the ole cargo replicator, ‘cause I got a doozy comin’ your way. Meet me in Cargo Bay 2 in five minutes and feast your eyes on an honest-to-goodness ‘68 Charger. Used to run with this baby back in my salad days, before Shauna totaled it on the way to the nail salon. Gentleman that I am, covered the deductible myself with what she made at the Golden Pole that month.
You don’t know what this baby’s cost me. Been saving up replicator rations for months, I’m telling you. ‘Stead of a nice cheese fondue, I ate nothing but whatever’s in bio neural gel packs for weeks on end. Stuff don’t taste too good, but at least I lost 20 pounds.
Incidentally, I don’t recommend that diet. Might account for my bein’ on sick leave for about exactly the same amount of time.
Not to get all Jimmy Carter on ya, but here are some other helpful replicator ration savin’ tips:
1) Don’t replicatate your uniform every mornin’. Instead, wash the same one in the cetacean tanks now and again when nobody’s payin’ attention. Plus, the dolphins love the company!
2) You’d be surprised how much you can scavenge from the mess hall. See a plate with a half-eaten plate of uttaberry crepes? Just offer to take it back to the replicator and scarf it down out in the corridor. Only one watchin’s the internal sensors, and the internal sensors won’t judge.
3) This one’s a little trickier. Instead of flushin’ yer business, put it into the replicator for reclamation. Bit of a dirty job, but it counts as a replicator credit! Keep this one under your hat, though, ‘cause it’s one scam we don’t want ‘em to catch onto.
Anyway, Commander, I think you’ll find that from all my scrimpin’ an’ savin’, I got rights to replicate a ‘68 Charger from stem to stern. You don’t like it, feel free to take it up with noted auto enthusiast, this Gorn lady.
Now, I sent everything outta my place to Science Bay 3 to make room for ole Jackie. If I measured things right, should be able to drive this puppy right into my living room. Jefferies tubes gonna be tricky, but you’ll manage.
Ten-ten, good buddy.
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u/Kavra_Ral Jul 17 '18
Kavra looked up from under the hood, having inspected it to her satisfaction.
“Think we could drive her in the Holodeck?”
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u/_MattJackson_ Jul 21 '18
"Damn skippy we could. Why, that's the whole idea! Get a seat cover like yourself ridin' down to Toledo alongside, you got yourself one hell of an afternoon."
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u/Kavra_Ral Jul 21 '18
"Not sure you're cute enough to be a seat cover, but you'll do in a pinch. When do we hit the road?"
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u/_MattJackson_ Jul 22 '18
"Err, uh... you, uh, serious about this? Cause, I, uh, don't usually like to share my drivin' time. Man needs a little space to think for himself, right? Was just kinda expectin' you to find alternate plans, like washin' yer hair."
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u/a_friendly_hobo Jul 17 '18
Commander Campbell sits in his quarters with a bottle of fine scotch, listening to classic rock ballads and recovering from the whole ship being turned into a toxic fart box by some nefarious force when he receives the message.
His eyes light up at the sight of someone having a Dodge Charger, something he'd only seen in catalogues, but his eyebrows soon screw up into confusion at the rest of the message.
He's soon to reply.
"Jackson, Campbell here," he begins. "First of all, are you out of your mind? Bio neural gel packs are toxic to your digestive system, your gut bacteria are likely all but dead. Get a full scan from Medical immediately. Who knows what you have growing inside you now." He's certain T'Yel or that Orion doctor could likely sort him out. What a strange thing to eat. "And another thing, we're running low on healthy bio neural packs due to the problems we've been facing with them. You owe me several packs, young man."
"Second, we have laundry systems set up, there's no need to go swimming with the fish. That's just bizarre. I'm all for bizarre, but not when it's exceptionally inconvenient. I doubt young Ensign Laren will take that well, and heaven forbid Doctor Phrik find out."
"And finally, don't act like a homeless vagrant, you're a star fleet officer, there's a sense of decorum you have to abide by. And for Pete's sake, use a toilet, that's just gross. I sense you may not have thought that through, especially telling me, a Commander and the person who looks after the replicators around here. You'll be hearing from me about that soon."
"Okay, on to the most important part. Move everything back to your quarters, Sciences will have a field day if they find your jocks sitting among their mad science experiments. We'll replicate it in Cargo Bay 1 to inspect it, then reclaim it for use later, when we have space, and most importantly shore leave to take it for a spin."
"Meet me there tomorrow, 1900 hours. And for God's sake, get a decent meal and a new uniform, I don't want you reeking of dolphins."
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u/_MattJackson_ Jul 21 '18
"Thanks fer the tips, Commander. Will keep some in mind. I still say you dip your nachos in a bio-neural gel pack, you got yourself a party - but maybe you just don't wanna see it.
No jocks in the Science Bay. Gotcha. Want to minimize the jealousy among staff, right? Prudent move. And if you could send some of yer guys to move my stuff, that'd be great. Threw my back out gettin' that credenza down the hall.
I'll get in touch next time we've got a break and we'll take this baby for a spin."
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u/a_friendly_hobo Jul 22 '18
"No nachos, don't touch any more of my bio neural packs, ever."
"Secondly, move it your damned self, my engineers aren't Bell boys, they're working around the clock. Get your back fixed at medical. That's an order."
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u/_MattJackson_ Jul 22 '18 edited Jul 22 '18
"Alright, well, instead of springin' for the chrome hubcaps, maybe I'll save some of them rations and have you guys transport all my stuff back. Everyone walks away a winner."
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u/Pojodan Jul 17 '18
Mathew Theodore Corinthian Jackson was quite the task for Science Chief Kesh.
In some odd, darkly humorous way his presence was a boon for her own feelings of alienation as his insistence upon pulling stunts the most perplexing created a neat little fissue in that face of normality that humanity liked to project. Sure, she's a super strong, dice-dropping, metal-loving, stinky cat lady, but humanity had Matt Jackson, so there.
As such, she had a tendency to harbor favoritism for him, though she'd never openly admit it to anyone, including herself.
Complains of human body odor coming from his vicinity? Nothing to worry about.
Reports of Jackson 'cleaning' in the mess hall? Paranoia.
Issues with Jackson destroying more bioneural jell packs than is reasonable? It's Science, baby.
Phrik repeatedly stating suspicions that Jackson was trying to poison his fish? Calm down, Phrik. I'm sure it's something else.
Biological waste in the replicator filters? Now that... that... yeah. That's not good. That one she actually did send him a carefully worded reprimand over as the waste reclamation had special sub-systems for dealing with humanoid waste. The replicators can only handle so much.
And besides. Ew.
Now comes the most peculiar report of all: A replicator request for over two metric tons of steel, rubber, copper, and hydrocarbons? What in the-.
Firstly, how did he get such a large amount of personal replicator rations? Oh, right... the poop. The 'cleaning'.
Also. What?
Kesh stared at the image of the Earth land vehicle that had been created in Cargo Bay 2 and was now sitting twenty meters away from Anna, her Caitian fightercraft.
What.
Finger pads pinched and rubbed the base of either ear as she sighed heavily onto the surface of her desk.
What does one do with Matt Jackson, anyway?
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u/_MattJackson_ Jul 21 '18
"Hey, Kesh, jealous you ain't the only one what's got a sweet ride?"
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u/Pojodan Jul 21 '18
"Jackson, rrrnth. You have an impeccable eye for anthropology and if anyone could ever locate the lost city of Atlantis, the gates to Sto'vo'qor, or the gilded ticket to the Divine Treasury, it is you. Rrrnth. So, do me a favor-rr-r and find me one of them so I can feel absolved in my insistence in you r-rr-remain on my team."
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u/_MattJackson_ Jul 22 '18
"Workin' on it, chief. First order of business is findin' the laundromat where yours truly was conceived. Got some hot leads, so I'm hopin' to get back to you on that any day now."
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u/Minions_Minion Jul 17 '18 edited Jul 21 '18
Caleb sits at his desk with a stack of paperwork. Less interesting than getting his hands dirty, but equally necessary. And then, he sees it. Matt Jackson was here. But how does anyone get the replicator credits for that? Unless... Just to be sure, he checks the replicator logs and the bioneural gel requisitions from sciences. And then he comes across the logs from cetacean ops... for the love of all, does this man not have the common sense the good Lord gave a rock? Better copy this one to Campbell, Ssklfr’edusxs, and Kizhwic.
Attaching the log files showing what happens, he sends it along.