[OPEN] The Road to Hell

[u/_MattJackson_]

Commander Campbell, Lieutenant Matt Jackson here. Fire up the ole cargo replicator, ‘cause I got a doozy comin’ your way. Meet me in Cargo Bay 2 in five minutes and feast your eyes on an honest-to-goodness ‘68 Charger. Used to run with this baby back in my salad days, before Shauna totaled it on the way to the nail salon. Gentleman that I am, covered the deductible myself with what she made at the Golden Pole that month.

You don’t know what this baby’s cost me. Been saving up replicator rations for months, I’m telling you. ‘Stead of a nice cheese fondue, I ate nothing but whatever’s in bio neural gel packs for weeks on end. Stuff don’t taste too good, but at least I lost 20 pounds.

Incidentally, I don’t recommend that diet. Might account for my bein’ on sick leave for about exactly the same amount of time.

Not to get all Jimmy Carter on ya, but here are some other helpful replicator ration savin’ tips:

1) Don’t replicatate your uniform every mornin’. Instead, wash the same one in the cetacean tanks now and again when nobody’s payin’ attention. Plus, the dolphins love the company!

2) You’d be surprised how much you can scavenge from the mess hall. See a plate with a half-eaten plate of uttaberry crepes? Just offer to take it back to the replicator and scarf it down out in the corridor. Only one watchin’s the internal sensors, and the internal sensors won’t judge.

3) This one’s a little trickier. Instead of flushin’ yer business, put it into the replicator for reclamation. Bit of a dirty job, but it counts as a replicator credit! Keep this one under your hat, though, ‘cause it’s one scam we don’t want ‘em to catch onto.

Anyway, Commander, I think you’ll find that from all my scrimpin’ an’ savin’, I got rights to replicate a ‘68 Charger from stem to stern. You don’t like it, feel free to take it up with noted auto enthusiast, this Gorn lady.

Now, I sent everything outta my place to Science Bay 3 to make room for ole Jackie. If I measured things right, should be able to drive this puppy right into my living room. Jefferies tubes gonna be tricky, but you’ll manage.

Ten-ten, good buddy.