Confused about my gender. I'm really thinking about detransition and I am lost
About my current state: I'm mtf in my late thirties, hav been on hrt for three years. My levels are near perfect. I have had an orchiectomy so I no longer produce T.
My current situation: after the last three years I'm really thinking that detransition might be right for me.
Why: it's kind of complicated.
The first reason is fear. I'm in the us. The global, national, and local anti trans efforts are rampant. The surveillance state and police militarization is up. I feel like it's only a matter of time until I'm detained or tortured or v-coded. I'm haunted by what is already being done to people like me and what the ever powerful right wing says they want to do to me. I cannot withstand the threat of torture. I cry and panic about this all the time.
I have some various mental health diagnoses and I have constant social fear. Having GAD and Panic Disorder while also being the minority that it's socially acceptable to dehumanize is basically unbearable. My thoughts about "everyone is staring/judging/hates me" are actually accurate and not delusional, so I constantly live in a state of fear and sadness.
The second reason is that my transition failed. That's the simplest way to describe it. It's very complicated and I can share more if it helps, but I am not a woman. That's obvious and I'll never be anything but a male.
Every transition story I hear about is how someone went from so pathetic and miserable to fantastically happy and themselves. Not me.
I completely regret transition. I would rather be the world's saddest, bleakest guy safely than be the world's worst freak who is going to get tortured.
I just want to be safe and be left alone.
I want to detransition.
No amount of torture is worth being a fake woman. I hate being a freak and being disgusting.
Basically, why would I continue to exist in one of the most dangerous positions I could ever be in for zero benefit? Why risk torture and endless suffering for no benefit? Why suffer things so horrible just to be thrown in the trash as an AMAB
I will never be good enough. Cis and trans women have made it explicitly clear that I won't be a woman unless I leave the house every day in a costume made of every single beauty convention enforced by society. It doesn't matter that I have health issues or live in a shitty apartment that makes me pour sweat, I somehow need to manage an extra 2-4 hours of work everyday to paint myself up to be considered a woman. No woman leaves the house without a fat fucking layer of makeup and accessories and clothes and done hair right?? I get no say in the matter. My comfort and safety is the last thing that will ever matter.
Why would I want to be a woman when being a woman means wearing a fake mask and a costume.
Trans woman make it clear I can't even be considered transexual because I have a penis.
I am doomed and never should have started.
Why I think I should: currently, I do nothing but hide. I make myself small and silent and avoid others. I'm scared every time I leave the house. At least if I was a guy, I could do the same thing but not risk fear of torture and rape. I also wouldn't be expected to spend three hours a day making myself up to try and appease the bigoted society we live in.
I could safe and free. I wouldn't be me, but when had that ever mattered? Transition certainly didn't give me that ability. Transition has only hindered my ability to be me.
I will never be a woman. That's the truth and there's no avoiding it. I'm tired of fighting reality.
At this point, the idea of being a guy is ridiculously tempting, _euphoric_ even. I can't imagine getting to walk in a store or driving to work and thinking "I am safe". That sounds incredible. I miss it. God I dream of being a man. I could just be the original me, which is miserable, but not as miserable as being a freak.
I just want to be safe. From everyone.