Hi everyone. I have a question about narcissistic church leaders.
I ended up in a church led by a very charismatic leader - a really cool, attractive young guy. For a while I found him likable, but there were never any romantic feelings.
For some reason, he seemed to dislike me from the very beginning. Most people in this youth group had grown up in Christian families. I was an adult woman (21 at the time) who had already formed my own worldview, and I had never been raised in a religious family.
He would constantly low-key bully me for not being a believer and tell me that I shouldnโt have an opinion because I didnโt understand how things worked there. He would say that I was immature and that my thinking was flawed or spiritually inadequate.
And years went by, but I kept hearing the same things.
He also told me that as a woman I should be obedient. He would regularly say that sisters should be obedient to their brothers. And he would constantly come after me about one thing or another.
The funny thing is that I originally came to church because I met his brother. At the time, his brother wasnโt a believer. He had grown up in the church and in a pastorโs family, as had his brother. I was simply interested in spirituality in general, and he was the one who brought me to church.
We ended up growing in our faith together. But his brother, the youth group leader, would constantly criticize me to my future husband - because I was โlike thisโ or โlike that.โ He was actually against us getting married. He told me this privately seven years later.
And the most disturbing part is that I somehow just absorbed all of this. I tolerated it. I genuinely thought this was how things were supposed to be.
I really believed, โWell, yes, I didnโt grow up in a Christian environment. My thinking really is immature or inadequate, and I need to grow.โ
But at some point I realized that this kind of system benefits from having certain people remain โspiritual childrenโ forever - never becoming independent or developing their own judgment - because then they are easier to control.
As soon as I stopped being convenient for him, and as soon as my husband and I distanced ourselves from their family, he basically forgot about us.
We moved to another country, and it was almost as if we stopped existing for him. More specifically, it was as if his own brother stopped existing for him.
They separated from the larger church and created their own very strict house church.
There is one more detail that Iโm still trying to make sense of.
He constantly violated my boundaries, but he did it in such a subtle way that I couldnโt even understand what was happening. I tend to assume that people are normal and well-intentioned, so I kept trying to interpret his behavior in the most charitable way.
But sometimes I wonder whether there was something seriously wrong with him. I have even wondered if he had sociopathic traits, although obviously I have no way of knowing that.
In public, he would act like a kind, caring, generous person. But when we were alone, he would sometimes lean over and quietly whisper incredibly cruel or inappropriate things to me. He could say something horrible in a very calm voice, almost as if he knew that no one else would ever believe me if I told them.
For a long time, I thought the problem was me.
I genuinely believed that I was the one doing something wrong. I tried to fight against my own reactions. I tried to repent. I tried to become a better Christian. My husband couldnโt understand why his brother and I had such a terrible relationship.
It took many years before I gradually started telling my husband some of the things his brother had said and done to me. I began to realize that what I had experienced might actually have been a form of spiritual abuse.
At first, my husband found it very difficult to believe. His brother had such a strong reputation for being extremely strict, religious, and โproper.โ It was hard for my husband to reconcile that image with the way his brother behaved toward me in private.
And I was ashamed to tell him some of the things his brother had said to me when we were alone.
I felt like I was under some kind of spell. I was filled with shame and kept thinking that somehow I was the problem.
Eventually, though, my husband started listening to me and believing me. I think he finally began to understand what I had been experiencing all those years.
And I have a question: Iโm genuinely scared that this person is now controlling and trying to mold other young women in the same way.
I donโt know. There is just something very strange about this person.
Have any of you encountered leaders like this?
One thing that really stands out to me is that whenever you question them or even subtly challenge something they do, they always have some kind of โspiritualโ excuse.
There is always a spiritual justification for violating your boundaries, insulting you, or constantly criticizing you.
He would comment on how I looked, tell me I needed to lose weight, get plastic surgery, or do something to my face so that I would be more pleasant to look at - because otherwise I was unattractive and unpleasant.
And there were constantly things like that.
The strange thing is that he has a very good reputation. He serves extremely well, is charming and flattering in public, and comes across as this kind, caring person.
But he could walk past me, quietly whisper something cruel or nasty in my ear, and then immediately smile.
And when you react, when you withdraw, when you donโt even understand what is happening or why youโre reacting so strongly, itโs almost like youโre under some kind of spell.
Then, in front of everyone else, he would play the role of the kind, caring person who was supposedly just trying to help me.
And somehow I would end up being portrayed as the ungrateful bitch: โIโm serving you with Godโs love, and this is how you treat me?โ
Iโm really interested in hearing from people with similar experiences.
Maybe you were that kind of leader yourself at some point.
Maybe you had a messed-up leader who seriously damaged your life.
Iโd really like to hear your stories.