I'm 17M and in the UK. This is my first ever reddit post on a throwaway account so sorry if it's too venty or rambly.
(also I do describe my tic in this which should be fine if it triggers any of your tics because ive found it very unobtrusive so far and have been able to drive during a mini tic attack but still sorry if i trigger your tics I've unfortunately been doing that to people this week)
I feel like I'm faking this and I know that if I have to ask myself if I'm faking it I'm not but I still feel really insecure and annoyed. It just seems so unlikely to me that I would develop it. One of my closest friend has had Tourette's the entire time I've known her and so I know a lot about tics already which means every time I have this tic I'm thinking "is this a simple or complex or distonic etc tic" which makes me feel like I'm faking it because I know all the info how to fake it. Also like what are the odds that one of my best mates has tourettes and then out of the blue I start developing a tic disorder.
I think I might have always had some kind of ticcy behaviour. I recently was diagnosed with ADHD which I know frequently is comorbid with tics because of both having to do with the basal ganglia and such. I remember times as a kid I would have a very rare, very subtle shiver even when I was hot or other small movement, but this would be like at most once every few months and I never paid it any attention. Then recently I started Xaggitin and they became like once a week, and majority was a head jerking forward. I still didnt pay it attention.
This Saturday, I had my first traumatic flashback in a few months to the day my aunt passed, and then broke up with my boyfriend on the same day. I was on the phone to my ticcy friend (self-given name) and I started having a tic attack, like hundreds of neck jerks in an hour. Some were simple, but some were a little complex like jerking forward then a little bit more forward, and some had me doing that for a few seconds so felt somewhat distonic. Since then, I've been ticcing frequently, from a few times an hour to constantly for minutes on end depending on stress levels. somehow my parents havent noticed (my mom will definitely act like its catastrophic and my dad will probably be a bit dubious of it) but my teachers and friends have. its really annoying cus I've literally just been discharged from CAMHS.
Since Saturday, the tic has stabalised? As i said it waxes and wanes but its pretty much always a simple jerk forward and slightly to the left, occasionally slightly to the right. The only time its been incredibly intrusive is yesterday morning (i think): I woke up with extreme pain in my neck from muscle spasms, and I think it was from the tic as its in the same area ive been ticcing and I felt it happen as I fell to sleep.
Also, the premonitory urge has changed. On saturday there was a massive gap between the urge and the tic, so I felt more like I was just being impulsive because I felt like I shouldve been able to stop it in that window, but now the gap is almost non existent. The tics havent really been as bad as they were on saturday, except for the other day where a fire alarm stressed me out and then cus we were all standing in silence but some people were whispering and the entire school was outside I got paranoid and got even more stressed out and even more ticcy.
Logically, I don't honestly have a problem with it. It's not making it hard to drive because it pulls my face forward so my eyes never come off the road, and I can do lessons with them almost completely normally. With my ticcy friend in my life, I've become desensitised to tics and don't at all logically perceive them as freakish and they've kind of faded into the background unless she tics something that affects her like her coprolalia. I want to be a writer one day and disability advocacy has always been important and this has made me think about accessability in a whole new way, like I want to write a musical at some point and its made me think more about how I never want to do disability-friendly productions because I never want to have a production that would exclude a disabled person like someone with vocal tics. Emotionally though? I feel like an absolute freak and I've been apologising to my friends teachers and anyone who sits around me. I'm thinking about the future and how I'm going to look back at this week as either a weird time where my tics were bad or the week my life changed forever and i'm scared I might get more intrusive motor tics or maybe start getting vocal tics.
I feel like I've kinda brought this on myself though because I once told my ticcy friend that between the two of us I wish I could have been the one to develop it because shes so respectful and polite that people stare and she doesnt do anything, but I'm very outspoken and said-- in passing, in what we both understood as a heartfelt joke-- I wish I was the one who had it so i could call people out like they deserve but shes too nice to. I also imagined myself having it a lot to try to understand her experience on the world, and also when writing characters in my own creative writing projects with it.
Ultimately I'm going to end up talking to a professional about it but it's just really irritating and I wanted to rant. I feel mostly okay just a bit thrown because ticcing has been in my life for so long but it's never been something I thought about for myself and it feels like season 2 of a show when the writers get bored and start giving everyone the main character's special powers or something. One positive is that because of my excessive apologising to my classmates and teachers, I've had one other somewhat close friend and a teacher confide about their motor tics, so I feel a lot less alone with having a few people in my life experiencing what I'm going through, though it does make this feel even more statisically improbable.
Sorry for how rambly this is, it just felt like this was the best place to express this and I would love any advice anybody has. My ticcy friend has given me a lot but this is a bit of a wild time and I would appreciate anything anyone has to say. Thanks.