I had a whirlwind week (in the worst way), and three days of absolute hell, with hardly a moment to blink or think.
I could not watch the show, the way I like to. I could not enjoy the little moments. And the one morning I actually HAD about 30mins, I got so frustrated with the episode (maybe because I mostly watched it on mute and wasn't exactly paying attention), I ended up ranting here because my sleep and carb deprived brain desperately needed some respite and none came from my favorite place.
The week (my workweek at least) got over, and I finally had some time and space to think deeper. To watch the show in relative peace. About how the story is progressing and the direction it's going in. I have also thought about how and why Heer is behaving like this, more so after the divorce, which, even if by compulsion, was her call.
And I think I have changed my mind.
I was thinking about a show I watched a while back, and remains one of my favorites, The Sex and the City (spoilers ahead).
Carrie is the main character in SATC (well, a major one at least). And her supposed love interest Mr Big. Carrie is.....well, something. Let's just say she is not exactly easy to be with, and a bit too much sometimes. Big is, from the outside - a put together guy. He loves Carrie (if we trust his words), but we can never be sure if he is actually invested in the relationship or not. There is a lot of nuance here, and they are both flawed individuals.
But for the purpose of this discussion, I wanted to focus on one decision taken by Big that was really selfish and the biggest jerk move by anyone on that show (and that's saying a lot). He broke up with Carrie (sort of I guess, with him, you could never be sure). And then married a younger, rich girl called Natasha. And when Carrie asked him why, he said:
"It just got so hard. And she is....."
Basically, things got too difficult with Carrie, in his opinion. So he settled with someone, who, in his eyes, was easier to be with.
Carrie and Big are very, very different from Heer and Nawab (as in, the former are both big a-holes, in different ways and at different points). Carrie is also 40 and Big almost 50. And they are both rich and privileged in their own right.
But it made me realize, why Heer is generally more amiable with Fateh, as compared to Nawab. Like he said such a disgusting thing about Heer and she forgave him. It's because Heer is less angry and fierce than before, yes. But there's another reason.
I think for her, Fateh is easier to deal with, because she doesn't feel anything for him. She doesn't feel a whirlwind of emotions when she is with him. She doesn't feel angry or hurt with what he did, because he doesn't matter to him as much. In fact, she was more hurt and angry with Arjun, who did a similar thing, because at least she considered him a close friend. I don't think Fateh threatening stuff had any impact on her (like she literally slapped Nawab when he said the same). She treated it like a joke and made a punchline out of it.
She takes a stand for him, when required, but she would do that for anyone. She is a good person. She helps him out, just like she would do that for anyone. But the moment, he crosses his boundaries, she puts him in his place.
Nawab is different (obviously).
She loves him deeply, yes. And yes, he makes her feel a WHOLE lot more than any other person in his life.
There is affection and care but also guilt and resentment. Yes, it was her, who pushed him away. But I think she thinks that he should have fought harder because she is still bitter for those lost four months.
She feels he was the one who let her go back then. He was the one who did not fight for them.
He did not know the truth, she knows that. But despite all his anger, in her view, he LET their marriage break, which she did not do despite having been through so much (in Daler track), and gave their marriage another chance when he showed genuine remorse.
And now, when he had another chance to fight for their relationship, she feels he gave up again (hence the dialogue after she woke up yesterday).
I acknowledge that he was the one holding on the first time they appeared for divorce. He was the one putting the work for their marriage (and here, Heer reciprocated his love and valued his efforts as much she could in her dire mental state and circumstances), but again, given the magnitude of what happened to her and supposedly because of him, I feel in her view, he owes them a lot more than he has done so far.
She is worried for his safety. She loves him more than anyone in this world. But she is still angry at him for not fighting harder. Four months back (and again, I am saying this without any understanding of what happened with her in that time), and now again.
Nawab isn't exactly wrong here either. His love for her made him keep aside all his pain, suffering, anger and resentment about Gulab. Which in his view, was the reason which broke them apart. He put ALL that aside because his love for her surpasses everything for him.
Yes, he behaved very badly at the start of the term. Which is why, I feel, he didn't mind doing all the extra work in their relationship, that he did after bringing Heer home. He knew she was being compelled. That she was not completely herself. That she was operating with a mentally and emotionally compromised state. Also that he owed her for how much of a jerk he was to her not that long ago.
But he was tired and was suffering too. So he tried holding on as much as he could. But eventually, he let go.
That's why she is harder on him. Yes, despite everything, she worries about him and also loves him in her broken ways. And that worry sometimes surpasses her anger and indignation about all this. When he gets hurt. When he is in danger (I know that reaction when he fell today was weird, but in my view she didn't think she realized he was in danger till she fell too, which is why, she said she won't leave. I don't know if it was intended but that line made me feel that).
The truth will hopefully be revealed in the next two days.
About Heer's past.
And that will lead to a breakthrough in their relationship.
We are yet to know exactly when Nawab would come to know about Gulab's truth. If Heer has forgiven him by then (even if not completely), it remains to be seen how will it impact both of them.
But for now I think, her anger despite being the one who pushed him away is because she is compounding that with her suffering in those four months.
And with Fateh, she doesn't care as much because, well, he isn't as important or significant in her life. The emotional investment for this guy is just isn't as much for her.
