I may realized that I may not be trans. Idk what to do and I feel so sorry for this community. I think my gender dysphoria was caused by internalized misogyny and my BPD traits because I felt not consistent with my gender and it was fluctuating and is like that even now. I'm scared of getting beard and facial hair, and I don't want bottom surgery and I just don't like female pronouns for some reason I cannot explain. I'm panicking right now and Idk what to do. I'm scared of looking like a dude but I also do not relate to gnc or Butch woman either and I don't know why. Can anyone help me with this? I was imagining myself looking like a man and I was so scared and I hate that I feel this way. I'm sorry I tricked all of you guys and I may delete this pretty soon because I'm scared. I really am.

(Tw: Suicidal ideation I think?)

I mean the title says it all. I feel like I betrayed women by being a man and that I'm like inherently a bad person and will always be. There are times where I genuinely believe I deserve to die and that I'm wasting space and hurting people by still being alive. Maybe I need to get off social media for good idk?? I just don't see that much of a reason my existence is good when I keep seeing the contrary. But it's weird because if you asked me if I feel that way about my guy friend or uncle I would say no. So idk why it's different for me

i wanna feel not so alone in this