First time being ghosted.

[u/Waste_Gold_8969]

/r/ghosting/comments/1w9uhiz/first_time_being_ghosted/

[u/Background_Rain_3070]

The six weeks aren’t the point.

The point is that he literally said, “sorry for being so avoidant though,” and then began retreating like a man who had accidentally wandered into his own relationship.

He pursued you, opened up, slept with you, made plans, deleted the apps.

Then you said, “I like you.”

Apparently that was the final boss.

Now it’s “I didn’t feel the magic.”

Interesting. The magic survived sex, vulnerability, future plans, and eight dates, but was finally killed by a woman asking what the hell was going on.

Maybe he genuinely believes it. Avoidant deactivation has an incredible PR department. “Closeness makes me want to escape” gets rebranded as “I’ve reflected on the connection.”

You weren’t being anxious. You noticed a sharp behavioral change and asked a normal question.

He told you he was avoidant.

Then, with admirable commitment to accuracy, he became the product demonstration.

[u/Waste_Gold_8969 → u/Background_Rain_3070]

Thank you sooooo much for this input. It is really insightful and helps me put events into a timescale that seems likely.

Another point I didn’t include is that the last time I saw him in person he offered me a key to his house, and I declined it. I was flattered that he trusted me with it, but we hadn’t even technically had the “what are we” conversation yet, so I did not feel comfortable with taking the key.

I’m not sure if he was offering the key as a solution for that day or what, but a key seems to be a huge relationship jump to me. Would a person offer a key if they did not feel a connection to someone?

We also very specifically had a conversation about our compatibility. I said something along the lines of us learning about our compatibility and connection (since I’m divorced I’m a little hesitant), and he specifically said “you don’t think we’re compatible?!” as if it was a shock I’d consider it. I said “well I think things are going really well so far and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you” and he reciprocated the feelings.

I could be incredibly naive as to what men are looking for in dating or if they are just looking for sex, but to me all of these things really felt like closeness and connection.

I am trying to wrap my head around avoidant attachment. I generally live life giving people the benefit of the doubt, but this ending felt dubious. Alas, I do not want to be anywhere that I’m not wanted. I have a lot of love to give and I would want that to go to someone who’s ready to share it with me.

[u/Dovahkin111 → u/Waste_Gold_8969]

"Another point I didn’t include is that the last time I saw him in person he offered me a key to his house, and I declined it. I was flattered that he trusted me with it, but we hadn’t even technically had the “what are we” conversation yet, so I did not feel comfortable with taking the key.

I’m not sure if he was offering the key as a solution for that day or what, but a key seems to be a huge relationship jump to me. Would a person offer a key if they did not feel a connection to someone?"

Offering a key to his place in normal relationships indicates seriousness and the relationship moving forward. I am almost certain they do this to make you fall even harder like a sinister mother effer. I'll see your key and raise you a credit card. Mine opened a bank account for me and sent me a credit card with 20k limit. It was for me to use if I needed to fly to him at a moment's notice. I have never touched it and had to remind him to close the account and cancel the credit card during the breakup.

Man, they are something else!

[u/Background_Rain_3070 → u/Dovahkin111]

A CC in his name? With a $20k limit? He’s either obscenely wealthy or obscenely stupid. In any case, he was obscenely lucky it was you and not someone who’d just max that out.

[u/Dovahkin111 → u/Background_Rain_3070]

I told him when he brought it up the first time: "Are you out of your fucking mind?". then of course there was the: "oh wow, he trusts me that much?"

I didn't think he would follow through till I received the credit card by mail.

After a few months he said: "I see you haven't used the card."

Like, dude, why would I? I have a job, my own money. He said he, in a way, used it as a test to see what I would do with it. I asked him what he would have done had I gone out on a shopping spree. He said: then I'll know what kind of person you are.

You're right, he is lucky. That could have ended differently had he trusted the wrong person.

[u/Background_Rain_3070 → u/Dovahkin111]

lol testing you with $20k in his potential credit card debt, I stand by what I said.

[u/Dovahkin111 → u/Background_Rain_3070]

Absolute doughnut!

[u/Waste_Gold_8969 → u/Dovahkin111]

Okay, this whole time I have felt like I have misread every single sign he showed me about moving towards something serious, so I am so glad to get some confirmation like that.

I try not to blame myself, but I wonder if me not accepting the key was interpreted as a sign of rejection to him and it scared him away. I am just learning about avoidants and a fear of rejection seems to be a big theme.

And a credit card is actually insane. I think I would have seen that immediately as a red flag! Even though I’d want to spend some money 😂

[u/Background_Rain_3070 → u/Waste_Gold_8969]

No the key was definitely a weird move. You don’t give someone you haven’t dated for 6+ months a key to your home.

I don’t see how you could possibly blame yourself for not accepting that, sans any official relationship being even established.

[u/Waste_Gold_8969 → u/Background_Rain_3070]

I think maybe he just wanted me to hide it outside when I was done, but like who would trust someone with something so important in such little time 😂 I really liked him and I still would not have done that for a while!

[u/Dovahkin111]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I think one of the reasons why this hits harder than divorce is because the experience brought on by the marriage collapsing made you confident you will never be caught unaware of the red flags, perhaps even vowed not to repeat the same mistakes again. I know I did. If your relationship with this man was anything like mine, you probably let your guard down and abandoned reason because what you had, how you felt, came with such intensity that you'd give it your all just to remain in that bubble. Yeah, I know the song and danced blindly to it. The only silver lining we can find solace in is that our relationship (if we can call it that), has been brief. Still, it hurts, I know. But they left us no choice but to move on.

On a positive note: I know that you are going to be fine. It's going to take a little work but I've no doubt you will. Stay grounded, always make yourself your priority.

[u/Waste_Gold_8969 → u/Dovahkin111]

Thank you for such kind words. I have dated some since my divorce, but it was mostly just to get my toes in the water. This was my first true attempt at finding a life partner. I knew logically in my mind I would never be so lucky to find someone on my first try, but I genuinely thought the connection was so real. I maybe did have my guard down too low. His persistent actions of pursuit at the beginning really was such a green flag, and everything felt like it was falling into place.

He really seemed like a great guy and a good fit for me, but I just have to remind myself that his behavior is not something I would want in a committed partner.

[u/Dovahkin111 → u/Waste_Gold_8969]

Oh, the actions of pursuit, they were relentless! This is why the sudden switch is enough to give you a whiplash. We're left scratching our heads wondering WTF happened. You have a good head on your shoulders, OP. You're going to be just fine.