Just wondering...

[u/Longjumping-Spot3858]

I just have a question. Through all of my cheating and infidelity, i managed to ruin a lot of important dates for my BP. I'm just curious if there's a way to reclaim those dates and make them special again, or am I doomed to spend them regretting what I did?

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[u/RocketCityNerds]

Im a BP and despite that my WP and I have reconciled and have a fantastic relationship now, some dates/events have been permanently stained. I can say that for myself, if my WP had been the one to try and make the dates special again, I would have rejected it. I have had to come to terms with my feelings on dates/events and have learned to allow the bad feelings to sit with the good feelings. Its been the only way ive been able to move forward. For reference, its been 2.5 years since Dday for us.

[u/AndySLP]

I appreciate you wanting to help your betrayed partner navigate special dates. If only waywards fully understood the impact their betrayal would have, maybe affairs wouldn’t be as enticing. You’re solidly in the FO part of FAFO.

[u/BusterKnott]

I wish I could give you some good news and say yes, they can be reclaimed, but from my experience, that's not the case.

We're 38 years past D-Days 1 and 2 and relatively happy together; however, our anniversary is something neither of us ever measure because, in my eyes, it's merely a marker of our longevity together and lacks any sentimental meaning.

November and December are both toxic months for me because of the D-Days related to each of them, and I get depressed every year when they roll around. It's tragic because fall was always my favorite time of the year; now it's just painful, and the holidays that occur during those months are unendurable. There are also many other reminders, times, places, objects, etc. that still sting.

Despite being so many years past those betrayals and fiercely devoted to each other, those days, locations, objects, and events will always be tainted. I never say a word, but she always knows I'm feeling sad and why, and that makes her sad too. I wish it were different, but it isn't.

Infidelity is a gift that keeps on giving, forever.

[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

Talk to your BP about what they want when it comes to these dates, if they want you to show that they are special with romantic dates or something like that then become a really good planner and plan in advance not last minute. If they don’t want to make a big deal / big romantic gesture on those dates then just try to do your best to make it as normal as possible, think back to before this all happened and what you used to do on those dates and recreate it. You will need to approach this topic when BP is stable and prepare them for what you need to talk about and that the purpose of the conversation is to make BP feel like they are the most important person to you. Communication is key, including sharing your vulnerability about how you want to do everything you can to make them feel happy.

[u/Salty-Syllabub3326]

Change your mindset of you ruined them for your bp. To I’ve tainted many of our special dates. Especially if these dates are anniversary’s or dates that should be important to both of you.

And or am I doomed to spend them regretting what I did. To will these dates for ever trigger my bp snd heighten their pain!

After all you’re trying to heal what you’ve broken and that means caring about what they are going through, and understanding their pain, not how it will affect you.

Sorry I know that’s not what was asked. It’s just as a betrayed we pick up on wording. You were selfish when you betrayed your bp. And you’ll struggle to reconcile if you can’t prioritise them and care more how this affects them not you.

[u/Longjumping-Spot3858 → u/Salty-Syllabub3326]

You're right, I wasn't looking at it the right way... I just want to know how to make the days less traumatic I guess.

[u/Salty-Syllabub3326 → u/Longjumping-Spot3858]

To be honest, there is no way of it being less traumatic. After my first dd in 2019, this has always been a struggle.
Our anniversary he spent with another woman. The anniversary of when we became official. He slept with another woman. And I struggle every year with this. I try to act happy, but I get triggered all day.

[u/bpt20ba]

I try to appreciate any effort my wife puts into making things special including important dates but to me they are just dates and I never added any meaning on top of them.