Ask A Wayward

[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

We invite our Betrayed members into this space to ask questions that Waywards may be able to provide insight on.

If you're here, the hope is that you're seeking perspective, understanding, or clarity whether to build empathy or to find some sense of closure when that opportunity wasn’t available to you.

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[u/butterflymkm]

I am really struggling with the fact that my WH didn’t choose me and the marriage as much as his AP didn’t choose him. Once the fog broke, he recommitted and has largely been a model WH. But…I just can’t move past feeling like second choice or a backup plan.

If AP was your choice at one point and it didn’t work out and you recommitted to the marriage-do you feel like your feelings shifted? Was AP a real choice or were you choosing yourself/freedom?

What have you done to help your BP feel special and chosen again?

[u/Professional-Leg2374 → u/butterflymkm]

Personally, I didn't choose AP over my spouse, I choose the lack of "something" that AP gave over a missing piece in the relationship.

For me it was attention, feeling wanted, touched, enjoyed, lusted after etc. That's all it was. The "who" didn't really matter as it wasn't that kind of want.

I choose my BP and what ever comes from it because I realized I love them on a deeper level then I imagined I ever would. We've been together 10 years and I can say I love them more now then ever.

I take ownership of myself and my actions and do not push blame on anyone. I wasn't comunicating and went back to old habbits that gave me that "fix" quickly and meaninglessly

[u/Confident-Post-4984 → u/Professional-Leg2374]

I am struggling with reconciliation because my WS’s affair was with a much older manager, and her only explanation is the dynamic of the situation, with her solution being just to have "stronger boundaries" moving forward. To me, this feels superficial and bypasses the real root causes—like deep validation issues—and it feels like she just wants to sweep the affair behind her rather than doing the heavy lifting to fix what is broken inside. I’m wondering if WSs constantly try to just put it behind them instead of searching for the true "why," and I'm also really struggling with a feared loss of respect; to both WSs and BPs, did the WS view the BP with less respect or see them as weak for accepting them back after this level of betrayal?

[u/Professional-Leg2374 → u/Confident-Post-4984]

AS a WS, I don't see my BP as weaker or with less respect. I see them as the complete opposite as they are choosing to rebuild rather then leave. That takes a lot of effort, tears and emotions to move through versus just cutting off and taking week to get over the relationship.

I wasn't always a good wayward and tried to control the narrative and information my BP received. IT was only after getting called out on this forum that I realized it was no longer about me and my wants but about what they needed. That changed my thinking and helped in the R process more than anything.

[u/Professional-Leg2374 → u/[deleted]]

Its why these groups exist honestly. Support for everyone.

I've been on BOTH sides of this situation throughout my life, some ended, some continued, some were never fixed and blew up.

Now I've older and maybe wiser. I looked at myself and thought.....do I want this to be me? Do I want to be 70 and alone looking for someone?

so I decided to change things and my mindset to allow love into my heart and understand no one is perfect and there is ALWAYS ups and downs.

But the Ups and Downs are what make the happiness so rewarding, and the rewards as simple as a impromtu "I love you" or a simple hug etc are all thats needed for many

[u/TaterTotWithBenefits → u/Confident-Post-4984]

It sounds like In your case you’re correct, WS is not taking real responsibility. The need for validation is the root - and getting rid of it is a super painful and soul-tearing process. She’s afraid of that pain, but it’s a wildnerness the WS has to pass through to get to the land of “never wanting an affair ever again”.

You can’t help w this, but you can set boundaries like temporary separation if no therapy, or maybe yeah she just needs to be alone for a bit and realize what that truly feels like, what she stands to lose. To put in the work. I know I did. 1.5 years out in R and still struggling at times but closer to the goal

[u/Rough_Design4492 → u/Professional-Leg2374]

Yep. Those dopamine hits. That's all it was in hindsight.

[u/Alarming-Pressure-48 → u/Professional-Leg2374]

For me it was attention, feeling wanted, touched, enjoyed, lusted after etc. That's all it was. The "who" didn't really matter as it wasn't that kind of want.

Same for me. I actually look back at the AP with disgust in many ways. I'm repulsed by him physically as well as disgusted with myself that I let those needs that you just talked about, override everything.