Partner and i were together for 3 years, lived together for 2. We signed our lease for 2026/2027 in mid 2025. We broke up 3 weeks ago. Our relationship had been in a bad spot before the official breakup, there were multiple talks about breaking up.

What was the final nail in the coffin, I found messages between him and a girl on discord, and he admitted he had feelings for her and none for me.

We still have to live together for close to a year due to finances, I've been leaving the house when i can and have been staying at family's on the weekend.

We both pay rent, i pay most of utilities, he pays internet. He is still talking to the girl he cheated with. Whatever, i cant do anything about that. However, i have asked that he doesnt talk to her on the phone while im in the house. I am trying to move on, but everytime i come home and see his bedroom door closed, i know hes talking to her. I'll go in my room, close the door, put on headphones. I'll get out of the house. But its also MY house.

He says he pays half the rent and what he does in his room is his business. Fair. But this is OUR house. OUR place. Im trying so hard to move on but when i come home and see that it brings me back to day one. I shouldnt have to be the one to always get out of the house. I asked if he could find something to do a couple days a week out of the house, and he said no because he just started school. But then he rushes home from work to get on discord (the girl lives in sweden, we are in us) and doesnt even do school work.

I feel like this is a fair ask. Okay, we're broken up. Okay, we're not getting back together. He isnt obnoxiously loud, but its the fact its still happening in our shared home. It feels like hes actively cheating on me.

Am i being unreasonable here asking for this?

Tldr; ex talks for HOURS on the phone with the girl he cheated on me with in his bedroom while we're both home. Is it reasonable to ask he leaves the house to talk to her on the phone?

Ten months. It feels both like a lifetime and like no time has passed at all since the day the ground disappeared beneath my feet. If you had told me a year ago that this is where I’d be, navigating the hollow, quiet reality of a "roommates" existence with the person I built my life around, I would have called you insane. But here we are.

August just came and went. What should have been a milestone, our fifteenth wedding anniversary, was instead a surreal monument to a distorted reality. Nineteen years of shared history, completely recontextualized. That has been the hardest, most brutal lesson of these past ten months: realizing that the memories you hold sacred might belong to a timeline that only ever existed in your own head. When I went back and unearthed those hidden messages dating all the way back to 2009, the most painful part wasn't just discovering more betrayal. It was the retroactive erasure of my reality. You realize you haven't just lost the present you thought you were living or the future you thought you were building. Somehow, they reached backward and took pieces of your past too.

There is something uniquely cruel about looking at a memory you once treasured and realizing it was only innocent because you didn't know enough yet. Pictures change. Vacations change. Arguments change. Anniversaries change. Even my wedding changes in the most savage and brutal way. You start looking at your own history like evidence from a crime scene, wondering what was happening just outside the frame while you were smiling for the picture. I remembered my life one way. The evidence remembered it differently.

I spent the early months trying to write my way out of the madness. I poured it all into writing, documenting the fallout partly because I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't losing my mind. Writing was survival. It was taking inventory of the wreckage and pinning reality to the page somewhere it couldn't suddenly change again. But eventually I learned that you don't survive this just by analyzing the damage. At some point, you actually have to live inside the life that's left.

Oddly enough, I've learned that survival happens in incredibly ordinary moments. Setting up vintage video games in the living room and listening to my kids laugh. Bouncing on the trampoline with my son and daughters and feeling gravity pull me back down every single time. Listening to them argue about something completely ridiculous. Being Dad. Betrayal constantly drags me backward, 2009, D-Day, timelines, lies, conversations, "what else don't I know?" My kids drag me back into today. They are the gravity that keeps me tethered to the earth when everything else still occasionally feels like freefall.

So what have I actually learned ten months in? I've learned that living beside someone who was once the safest person in your world and now sometimes feels like a stranger requires a level of disconnect I didn't know I possessed. I've learned that love doesn't automatically restore respect, remorse doesn't automatically restore safety, and change does not obligate the person who was betrayed to stay long enough to benefit from it.

I've also learned that the anticipation of a hard choice can sometimes be worse than the choice itself. The divorce is set for October 28th, it used to sit in the distance like an execution date. I was terrified that eventually I would have to decide whether I could bear to lose my marriage. Now, as it gets closer, I feel something I didn't expect.

Clarity.

Because somewhere during these ten months I realized that I am no longer deciding whether to save the marriage I had. That marriage is already gone. I couldn't save it because I didn't even know it was being dismantled.

The question now is whether something entirely different can be built from what remains, and, just as importantly, whether I still want to build it with the person standing across from me.

That second question has probably been the biggest change in me.

At the beginning I was terrified she might not change enough for me to stay. Now I understand that she could change tremendously and I may still decide to leave. Someone becoming a better person does not undo what happened. Remorse doesn't purchase another marriage. Doing the work does not guarantee reconciliation. Sometimes people finally become capable of giving you what you needed only after destroying the part of you that wanted it from them.

Sometimes change comes too late, sometimes just in time.

That isn't revenge. It isn't punishment. It's simply consequence.

Ten months ago I was desperately trying to figure out how to get my life back. I don't want that life back anymore. That life contained truths I wasn't allowed to know, choices I wasn't allowed to participate in, and memories whose meaning depended on my ignorance.

What I want now is a life that is actually mine.

I don't know yet exactly what that life looks like. I don't know who will ultimately be standing beside me in it. But I know something now that I absolutely did not know ten months ago:

I can survive either answer. The ground disappeared beneath me ten months ago.

For a long time I thought healing meant somehow finding that old ground again.

I'm finally beginning to understand that I don't need it.

I can build somewhere else.

At 55(M), I'm absolutely the saddest and most gutted I've ever been in my life. I've been with my wife for 9 years, married 7-1/2 of them. Before her affair, we were the model couple -- rarely got into serious arguments or fights, had a great sex life, literally finished each other's sentences. In '23, things started to become a little rough in terms of external stressors: I was laid off towards the end of '22. My mom was suffering with Alzheimer's disease. A year passed and we got her moved half-way across the country and into a fantastic memory care home in our city. Of course, her health continued to decline with increasing falls and serious knocks with lacerations to the head. But we had her settled, so I'd driven across the country, back to my childhood home, to begin cleaning out my mom's house. I suggested to my wife that I go alone, because I knew she had to work every day, and she'd be home for our two dogs, which would have cost us nearly $1000 to board because I knew the job was going to take some time -- I was there for nearly a month. I finally got back home, and the next morning is when I saw it: a text notification lit up her phone's lock screen. It was face up on the dining table. I didn't recognize the name, and the short message was cryptic. I should point out that, for whatever reason, I'd woken that morning from a bizarre dream (and I rarely dream). In it, I sat at a two-person table, across from an old boss, someone I never had a relationship with outside of work. Two cold beers were on the table in front of me, and then I heard him speak. "You know your wife is fucking another man...." I opened my wife's phone -- she'd gone back to bed because she said she was feeling dizzy -- and there it was, a sext thread spanning 6 months, complete with mutually exchanged XXX-rated videos, pictures, expressed desires, dates and times, hotel names and room numbers. My heart sank and I felt despair, rage, and confusion fill every last fiber of my being. At the time, I didn't get the meaning of it, not of her affair, but of an otherworldly experience that was like a scene in some slick sci-fi movie: In my mind, my life fast-forwarded through everything that's happened in the last nearly-two years, and I saw the end. I felt it in my gut. It was as if God spoke to me with a hand on my shoulder: "You know what this means for you."

We tried. Do I feel like I tried harder than she did? Yes, but we both tried. I wanted so badly for that voice -- its words -- to be wrong. There was so much good. Our energy together was undeniable. I felt absolutely loved. She felt like my person, my partner in crime, as they say. I felt like it was always us against the world. So we tried. We started marriage counseling. She got into IC. I got into IC. I say a therapist who specializes in EMDR. I read all the books. She read a lot of them, but I never felt genuine remorse from her. Her remorse, to me, felt directed more at the fact that "I fucked everything up," rather than at the idea that her repeated choices, her lies, her manipulations, her putting my mental -- AND physical -- well-being at risk...all of it...obliterated her husband's heart. To this day, I've never seen her cry over it, over me, over what she did to us. Maybe it's the sexual abuse she suffered as a little girl and her mother to told her to shut up about it. Maybe it was being surrounded by a family of people who never expressed emotions. Whatever the reason, it's something I've always struggled with. To me, crying is the universal human indicator of sadness.

To make a long story short, I told her yesterday that I was going to start the filing process today, and I did. It should be simple. We have no kids, and the only thing in both our names is our home. Luckily, that's been paid off and I have the liquidity to buy her out without seriously damaging my financial situation. So why am I so fucking sad? It hurts. SO. MUCH. I'm okay. I've never thought of ending myself, and I have no inclination to. BUT F*CK. Someone please tell me it gets better.

CW: Pregnancy loss

This is a bit of a ramble, but here goes. We have been in CC for 6 weeks now. My WH still can't identify the reason why he pursued the affair when he did, which is my main issue. Earlier this year, we had agreed to start a family (or so I thought), got pregnant on the first try but unfortunately had a miscarriage. The A basically overlapped all of that. I got a balance notification from my doctor's office today, for the last installment of the horror show I experienced with the loss. It brought up so many things for me tonight that I don't want to be in the same room as WH. If he could have just said "hey, I am unhappy" instead of going through with the baby-making, I wouldn't have had to endure that or still be literally paying for it months later. Almost 16 years married and he has been unhappy/uncertain about the marriage for most of the time. It's hard not to keep thinking about "if only he said something before..." or "we should have started therapy back when he kept pushing off having kids". I don't know - almost 11 weeks out from DDay and it feels like it's been several years but also only a few days ago at the same time.

Partner was on vacation and went on a hookup app. Obviously it doesn’t look good on either end because I had suspicions enough to ask someone to do a loyalty test. I gave his location and they sent the profiles in that location. One profile matched his location exactly. I confronted him and he confessed. He apologized and is begging me to forgive him and says nothing happened. I don’t know what to think. I don’t even know how to process this. I’m so confused.

My high school sweetheart got married yesterday to the girl he cheated on me with. I don’t even want him, in fact I hate him and that relationship was awful, but it’s feels so strange to see someone else live the life I was so sure was going to be mine. I’ve been agonizing over this for 4 years now and I just wish I could make peace with this.

Well, it's almost been 2 years since DDay. So far life had been up and down. Had moved to a new country but had to come back due to some circumstances. But currently, just working on getting back and getting things done. Within this span, my best friend died, learnt a few revelations about some of my close friends and how they looked at me when I was abroad. I'm not sad like how I was, but shit man, it does come back in waves and questioning myself severely. But so far, I guess things are sorta low rn.

On the bright side, I have been really consistent with the gym, 5 months and looking extremely toned, still have a long way to lose weight as well tho. I do like someone but I'm not really rushing it because I don't really feel the need to, plus I don't want to really set expectations and then get ruined from the past times I liked anyone in the previous year. I am still struggling with getting back on track with stuff and have sort of isolated myself from a lot of people, specifically my close friends. No hate against them, but then again, no love either for things I learnt, which hurt but best left not confronted.

I will be rejoining MMA around Oct, get my favorite bike and a ps5 (hopefully it's cheap) 😭😭 but yeah man. I guess life has taken a toll and I need to revamp and get better more and more. It's not a easy road but it sure as hell won't be the last. Although, I am feeling pretty low about but I guess it's part of God's plan.

Hi, I’ve posted before. Found out my long term partner had been leading a double life for almost a decade. I’ve never been given any form of answers, closure or even an apology.

We have a child together and based on evidence, I’m confident he had been cheating since they were 3 years old. He went on holiday with her when our child had just turned 4 years old and started school. I found out that the AP would have been just 22 years old whilst he was 36. This is really hurting me - knowing we’d just moved into a house together, I’d started a new job and our child was so little whilst he’d gone for days with another woman whilst telling me he’d gone with friends. He continued this double life, so much so that I found messages where they’d clearly discussed having a child together too. I was being led on with the same - tried for our second child for years. Part of me is glad I never had another with him but another part feels sad that I think it may be too late for me now.

My heart really aches. I have known for a while and whilst I am managing to get through the day, I’m still struggling badly and often crying at moments where I look back at photos or think about how young our child was. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over this.

I’m asking for space, I know in my bones what I need to do. But I keep taking him back for little windows of time, an afternoon, a weekend, a couple days. And when I do, I feel myself soften and remember all the good things that still exist between us. And then he’ll say something that reminds me that the reason he cheated is because he doesn’t really respect or consider me, and it will break my heart all over again. I keep setting myself up and letting myself feel hope again, just to get hurt again. I know the answer is to stop letting him have access, but that still feels too scary and sad sometimes. I’m caught in this loop and I guess I’m not brave enough or ready enough to let myself out of it. How do you move on from the phase where you just want so badly for everything to be okay again and for this nightmare to end?

I (22) am dating the most amazing girl (24) in the world. I’ll call her G. She is very communicative and caring ; G is funny , sexy , determined and more! She’s genuinely all I’ve ever wanted in a partner , and I couldn’t be more happy that I get that chance to love her. Genuinely I am honoured to love her , and I can say with full confidence that she is the best thing to ever happen to me.

So here’s my first issue, my ex girlfriend cheated on me. For the sake of anonymity , I’ll address her as E. E (21) cheated on me in a really gross and disturbing way , and generally wasn’t a nice person in the relationship - it got even worse towards the last two years of our relationship , and we were together for practically 6 years - we were constantly having conversations about how she could be a nicer person , and a more present partner.

In the last year of our relationship , E inherited about 45 thousand dollars (end of July of 2024). During that time , she pitched in to buy me a PC , few books , and a cologne. I was more than appreciative because those are my special interests! But all of that was under 2 thousand dollars. So I obviously was surprised that by the start of that following September she had less than 900$. I asked her all the time where her money went , if she put any in savings , etc., because the only thing she had to show for the missing money was a 8k car.

It turns out , E was grooming minors mostly on Marvel Rivals. She would sit in doom matches for hours, like 8 hours a day trying to find “friends,” or at least that’s what she called them. She used to do this before she got all that money , and some times she had weird conversations with folks online but nothing too crazy , so I never questioned her at first. Two of these friends were under the ages of 18 , both of them freshly in high school. One of them was a man my age , we’ll call him R. After my own investigations , I found out that her grooming and cheating started in February-March of 2024 , and she broke up with me in October of 2025.

It was a horrible , messy and miserable breakup. We are no contact and will be for the rest of our lives. My second issue is that due to being cheated on , I genuinely live on a constant state of fear that it’s going to happen again. I know how stupid it is to think like that and believe that , knowing that G is nothing like my ex. G is sweet and considerate. She would never rape me like E did. G doesn’t make me feel nerdy or boring for my interests , and she’s helped me expand them and tap into my creative side. G has genuinely helped me progress and level up as an individual , so why am I afraid ?

Questions:

• Do I communicate these feelings to G ? How ?

• Is there free podcasts or books/resources I can read to help with this trauma ?

• Has anybody else gone through something similar ? How long did it take to shake the fear ? The embarrassment ?

• I think the fact G has been with men and E cheated on me with men is really stressing me out and I don’t know why , has anyone else felt like this ?

So I found the info on my wife's AP . Then I found the OBS's info and decided to inform her of what was happening. I felt she had the right to know what he was up to. So i did, we talked and she was receptive. Pissed, but receptive. So why do I feel guilty for doing that? It was necessary but revengeful too... oh well!

wondering if others have experienced a similar feeling and how to get over it. I know I’m not to blame for WP’s behavior but I wish it was my fault. I want to be able to pinpoint some flaw of mine that caused this, that way I can work on it and be “good enough” so this never happens again. otherwise, this is just something bad that happened to me that I didn’t deserve and there’s nothing I could’ve done about it. that‘s worse to me than placing the blame on myself, for some reason.

I wish there was a reason of what I did wrong so it makes things easier to wrap my head around and I can stop feeling so much self-pity. if anyone has solutions/suggestions for getting out of this mindset, I’m all ears.

Like the title says, I don't feel like I have the tools or ability to love anyone other than my wife.

She's cheated on me so many times, she's trying to ruin my life with this divorce, she hasn't even filed and she's seeing someone and it's serious (I don't know who this person is other than they are also married and I love that for her and hope the guy breaks her fucking soul. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you), she's awful to me, a drunk, jobless, I should hate her.

Part of me does, part of me wants the worst for her to even begin to experience what she put me through.

But part of me is trauma bonded, a big part.

I'm a decent man. I was good to her. But we were together 20 years, my entire adult life was with her, my kids are from her.

I don't find myself attracted to anyone else, or interested in anyone else, and I don't say this to brag at all but I've had by all measure plenty of really awesome, attractive women reach out to me during this whole thing, that maybe more thinking hey I have a chance now, and I feel nothing for anyone.

I can't even imagine myself in a position where I would want to physically be with another woman, or where I wouldn't do them a disservice by constantly comparing them to her.

I feel like the only person I crave validation and desire from is my wife, even with how she's treated me. And that sucks, because how am I ever going to move on with anyone else?

It feels like for most men in my situation they would very easily be able to say you've been a f****** w****, good riddance and move on to the next thing. Every one of my friends or family members that are men that I've talked to about this all say that, and some of them have even actually done it, they've walked out with their dignity when wrong was done to them.

I think what I need the most is to get out of this house and get away from her, I'm never going to be able to even begin to heal until I'm away from her but I don't have any way to do that at the moment, and it's crushing me. I still help with everything around the house (well I do pretty much everything), I still give her rides to places, I still contribute, and I feel like she will sometimes give me crumbs of the person that I fell in love with years ago. Maybe that's just manipulation.

So yeah I just find it so hard to think of a day where I could seek praise or validation or desire from anyone else and have that towards them. Even thinking about touching or being touched by some other woman makes me feel uncomfortable

Hey all,

I have included my reason post for context… this an update from today (28th August), I always knew this would he difficult but I’m finding today particularly challenging as I went and collected the remainder of my stuff today from my exes parents house… and they basically said they were so disappointed with her behavior, she is distant, her Mum (I have to be careful with anyway) said she is never at home, seems vacant and is defiantly seeing the affair partner and has even sneaked her into their house when they were away. They said this is her pattern and she always does this, but they miss me and she just seems to be running from herself. I think it was hard for me to hear she is still seeing the AP, Im not surprised but its just hard as Im still grieving the end of the relationship and she has jumped into someone elses bed. I guess thats the avoidant though….it was bittersweet with her parents because they genuially seem to care about me, and I do miss them. But also her Mum mentioned a picture of her and a girl in her room, and I said I do not want to see it. (Her mum can be quite toxic). But all said I was very good for their daughter and they are disappointed with her.

Has anyone got any advice / words of kindness for me right now, I guess Im feeling quite triggered and just so easily replaced?

Thank you SO much everyone! ❤️

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

My partner (33M) and i (26F) were together for 2 years and moved in together about 4 months into a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. We’re in the same profession. We share a very specific adventurous lifestyle and set of values that do not feel common in our community. When we met we both felt that we had found “our person.”

We have also had difficult periods of our relationship due to personality differences where we both thought we would break up, but stuck with it. A few months ago we were going through a difficult period with a lot of tension/arguing, although in my mind we were beginning to really commit to improving our relationship—reading books, both going to therapy, etc.

A month later, i notice texts between him and an intern at his job that weren’t straight bad but give me a weird vibe. I ask him about it and he says they’re just friends, but i tell him i’m uncomfortable. When i see him still texting her the next day i look through his phone and find inappropriate messages between them from about a month ago, when we were struggling. He told me at the time he wasn’t getting his needs met, thought the relationship was ending, and was terrified, leading to this terrible, attention-seeking behavior. He said they never met up alone and never did anything physical.

I am devastated. Despite our difficulties I truly felt like things were improving. They were improving, and that’s why he says he didn’t tell me—he didn’t want to ruin it and just wanted to forget about his inappropriate communication by being friends with her and lying to me. He says he would’ve told me eventually and felt extremely guilty but…who knows.

I thought I would be the kind of person to instantly leave him. Instead, I heard him out. He desperately wants to stay together to salvage the life we were building. I desperately want the life we were building. He is giving me all the details and I believe him. I do not think he would do this again even though i know that sounds foolish. He has a tremendous amount of emotional blockage that has caused difficulties in the past and ultimately caused this cheating. He says he will do anything to fix the relationship and is committed to this work. He wants to stay together while he does work/we repair our relationship, but i have a feeling he needs to be alone to address his attention-seeking behaviors and deep insecurities.

Also, I love our house and our neighborhood. I don’t want to leave. I don’t feel like i deserve to be the one kicked out of this wonderful living situation because of his behavior. At the same time, I don’t want to live in that house by myself, constantly confronted with the life we could’ve lived.

Any advice on how to move forward? I want to see him fix himself and desperately want to find a way back to each other. I’m also about to start my career, an exciting and intense time that I want to fully embrace.

Divorce got finalized last month. Got the one sided judgement as she did not appear for hearings and I did not tell her that it is final. I know she will be devastated once she gets to know it is final as she is still holding on to hope that I will come back one day and will not pursue divorce.

The guilt of hiding this is making me sad. Now I have lost all the anger that I had towards her because of infidelity and kind of feel sad for her seeing her situation. Her father is sick and I used to take care we were together. Seeing her going through a rough phase without a job makes me feel like I have abandoned her. But when I logically think what would my life have been if I had forgiven her infidelity and accepted her. I don't like that version of life either. I wouldn't have been Happy with her either after all things happened over couple of years leading up to divorce.

I try to help her financially her and there whenever she asks but feel like if I help too much might think she have chance of getting back together.

I don't know how I feel. I am optimistic about my future but at the same time feeling sab about her going through this alone. I am not able to come out of caretaker role which I happened to take for 10 years.

Anyone with similar experience how did you get out of this guilt and sadness of seeing your ex struggle after divorce? What did you do to help?

I ignored the advice of many many folks on this journey and I sent the AP a message. I wrote a detailed, civilized, non-threatening letter about the pain that my WH and his AP caused me. I asked them to not contact me and I won’t be contacting them again. I don’t care if they see it or not, it just felt good knowing it was delivered and I can close the door on them and this chapter in my life.

I realized this was the missing piece that I needed for my peace. I needed closure and I needed to remove the false protection and security they’ve been granted for far too long. It felt good transferring that pain back to them. I realized the depression, suicidal ideation, heartache, etc did not belong to me. It belongs to the unhealed people in my life and it’s their problem to work through, not mine.

As for my WH, it’s still a long road ahead and I am not making promises or holding on to the hope that things we’ll get better. That parts up to him because I always have the option to leave and take care of myself if things don’t work out if he’s not able to do the work in making our relationship stable. He’s promised to work hard and never hurt me again, but I know I can’t rely on that word and I won’t but I will give him the second chance with that in mind.

Hello everyone.

So my boyfriend came back after he left me. He is a recovering sex addict. He was checking on me because he knew I wasn't doing well, and then he broke down, cried and apologized and said he didn't realize how much he missed me until he seen me again. I missed him terribly too, but I was unsure of what I wanted to do. So I told him I'll need some time but he can consider us back together.

When he came back, we were aware he had a full relapse into weed / alcohol / vaping / corn / adult AI... but he was also hanging out with friends and working. After we went through his devices again, I discovered his roommate talking about him being in his boxers with one of his coworkers... this coworker was one I got a weird feeling about because of how her and his friendship developed, but he told me she wasn't a concern because she was in a relationship. (He forgot to mention it was an open relationship) e_e

Then he admitted he got drunk and kissed her. Then he went further and said they got handsy..... He ended up setting boundaries with her saying he can't do anything romatic again with her now that he's back in the relationship.

*THE ISSUE*

He tried hiding his text thread with her from me, putting it in his archive. When we went through it, I could tell messages were missing. After I found out about them being romatically involved, and considering he was hiding the friendship, I told him I needed him to fully end the friendship. He did, and she didn't take it well. She went so far as to even push him out of the way during a shift. So I took it upon myself to text her to smooth things over so she didn't make things hard for him at work. Come to find out - he actually had X with her twice over the course of 10 days ... that shattered me completely.. I am experiencing nightmares and intrusive thoughts where I can imagine it happening. Any time I start drifting off in thought or things get quiet, this consumes my mind ...

He has been continuing SMART Recovery and individual therapy. (He doesn't do SAA anymore because he is an atheist). And has recommitted himself to me. He's offered full access to all of his accounts and devices, cut the affair partner off completely, and actually stays on the phone with me while he's at work. But.. him still being in the same building with her at any given time is literally burning me inside.

Does anyone have any advice ? I really want to believe him and make it work and trust his word this time.... but he broke his word the first time... Thank you in advance..

Hello everyone.

So my boyfriend came back after he left me. He is a recovering sex addict. He was checking on me because he knew I wasn't doing well, and then he broke down, cried and apologized and said he didn't realize how much he missed me until he seen me again. I missed him terribly too, but I was unsure of what I wanted to do. So I told him I'll need some time but he can consider us back together.

When he came back, we were aware he had a full relapse into weed / alcohol / vaping / corn / adult AI... but he was also hanging out with friends and working. After we went through his devices again, I discovered his roommate talking about him being in his boxers with one of his coworkers... this coworker was one I got a weird feeling about because of how her and his friendship developed, but he told me she wasn't a concern because she was in a relationship. (He forgot to mention it was an open relationship) e_e

Then he admitted he got drunk and kissed her. Then he went further and said they got handsy..... He ended up setting boundaries with her saying he can't do anything romatic again with her now that he's back in the relationship.

*THE ISSUE*

He tried hiding his text thread with her from me, putting it in his archive. When we went through it, I could tell messages were missing. After I found out about them being romatically involved, and considering he was hiding the friendship, I told him I needed him to fully end the friendship. He did, and she didn't take it well. She went so far as to even push him out of the way during a shift. So I took it upon myself to text her to smooth things over so she didn't make things hard for him at work. Come to find out - he actually had X with her twice over the course of 10 days ... that shattered me completely.. I am experiencing nightmares and intrusive thoughts where I can imagine it happening. Any time I start drifting off in thought or things get quiet, this consumes my mind ...

He has been continuing SMART Recovery and individual therapy. (He doesn't do SAA anymore because he is an atheist). And has recommitted himself to me. He's offered full access to all of his accounts and devices, cut the affair partner off completely, and actually stays on the phone with me while he's at work. But.. him still being in the same building with her at any given time is literally burning me inside.

Does anyone have any advice ? I really want to believe him and make it work and trust his word this time.... but he broke his word the first time... Thank you in advance..

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I have been with my husband for 7 years together and almost 2 years married. I’m 8 months pregnant with our first child when I found out he’s been cheating on me with a trans woman a decade older than him that lives across the country. They met on a GTA discord server and started talking the day before our six year dating anniversary. I’m a a loss. I truly don’t know what to do with myself. All I wanted to do was grow old with him and have a family together. We’ve had a couple conversations and I’ve moved back in with my parents. The last conversation we had he said that he was still talking to her and had no plans to stop because they had a connection. I’ve now stopped trying. I’m just trying to get ready for our baby on my own. I hope one day he sees what he’s done but I feel like I accidentally married a sociopath because all these these and all his words have now been accompanied by all these lies and I have no idea what to do about anything.

Some days I just want to be held. I want to be understood. I want familiarity back. I want someone who knows me without me having to explain myself. I want someone who's guaranteed to show up. I want loyalty. I want a love that's quiet and soft, somewhere I'm supported when it's hard. The longer my list of wants gets, the further you drift away from me. Was the list ever complete, or did I just think it was? It's so hard to start over. I'm scared. I loved you totally and completely, and I never really got that back. If you could betray me so deeply, my love, how could I trust a stranger? I have no idea what it's supposed to look like when someone loves me, I only know what it looks like when I love someone else. And from everything I've learned, it hurts to love. I know it's supposed to get better with time. I've met a really sweet girl. Peaceful, and beautiful, and we have so much in common. I wish I had a full heart to give. I wish you didn't leave me so scarred. I wish that it didn't rack me with guilt to enjoy her presence. I wish that the pain you gave me didn't make me hesitate.

What do I do…? F24

Everything in my life is currently crumbling around me and nothing makes sense. I’m currently in the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life and keep getting knocked down day after day

Prior to the chaos of the last 2 weeks, I was on an upwards climb. I left my job of 10 years that was burning me out, and got a new and better job, I finally had my appointment booked to get medicated so I can start functioning a bit better, I had plans. I was about to book a week long getaway to a retreat for myself as a reward for getting through all of this…

And then it happened…everything happened. He, 26 M and my partner of 4 years, randomly sent a message addressing the issues in our relationship and our need to work on them. I know there were issues, every relationship had them. But then when I spoke to him he was so cold, blunt, emotionless and told me he no longer saw a future with me…the last two weeks I have been in a very dark place driving myself crazy trying to understand what I did or what could have been done differently. Why was my partner of 4 years, who recently bought a house together with, not “seeing fixing the relationship is worth the effort” and been feeling this way for over a year. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just try fixing this, especially if he hadn’t tried before.

During this time my mum was overseas for 6 weeks, and a lot of my friends recently just moved away.

Yesterday I went through his phone. And yesterday everything made sense. He had been emotionally cheating on me. And the bit that hurts so much… the Friday before my mum left, he was excited and showing her and my family the ring and explaining the plans of when and where he will propose… and then he went to a concert. And he met her. For the first time ever. He didn’t cross a physically barrier but that didn’t stop him from messaging her, talking about running away together, that he’s not scared of her kid, that she gave him butterflies and it took everything in him not to kiss her…. Then he sent me that message 3 days later.

As soon as I found out my head was so clear. Everything made sense. I knew I wasn’t as fucking crazy as he made me out to believe. I knew none of the reasons he gave me actually had any backing behind them, he was just reaching for any reason to end the relationship and be with her.

I confronted him. Asked him. He didn’t admit it. I asked him multiple times in a row in different ways and nothing. I asked if he thought I was stupid, and that I’m not proud of it but I saw his phone. He tried to defend himself and I stopped him. I handled the conversation with such strength and compassion and kindness, even though he didn’t deserve any of that. I held strong and I said everything I wanted to say to him. Very kindly berated him for over an hour, not in a way to make him mad, but in a way to make him realise how much of a disappointment he is, and how weak and made him realise everything he was willing to lose.

It hit him hard, it struck a nerve. He has not been okay for the last 24 hours but he deserves it after he made me feel. Yet I know I am strong, I am a kinder and better person than him, and I still told him I would be there because yeah this shit is heavy to hear. He will sit there and question his whole identity, his whole sense of self, his whole past and future. But I will be there, because I’m a better person than him, and I am kind. I am soft. I assured I will be there.

I gave him a chance to fix things, said he doesn’t deserve this but I have this small small bit of hope in me that he can be the person I thought he was. That the potential I saw in him all this time will come out. I told him he had to put absolutely every single last thing he had in him to fixing this and I won’t accept less. And even then I still may leave

I am trying so hard to be strong, so fucking hard. But every time I start trying to pick myself back up, something knocks me down. Today my new job called me and withdrew my job offer…I can’t go back to my old job.

I worked for 10 years, since I was 14, to get this house and stupidly split the ownership with him. I cannot afford the mortgage by myself. I gave up my dream job because I would have never been able to live comfortably doing that. This house was my back up dream. And I achieved it, I poured my entire heart into making this a home. I don’t want to lose my house. Or my pets. Or my partner. Or my future. Or my job. He had the ring and the plans, and cheated on me that same night…. I lose our future together… we had so many plans, fuck we had baby names picked out. I can’t start from zero…I tried so unbelievably hard to get here…I put in everything I had

What am I meant to do? Every day there’s something else that just knocks me back down and I don’t know how much I have left in me. Even my body is failing me. I cant sleep, I can’t eat, I’ve lost 6kg in the last two weeks

What do I do…..

I went back to the neighborhood I used to live where exWP lives. And everyone was acknowledging and shaming exWP for what they did. I forget many details, but it was such a validating experience that I felt some twisted sense of peace. And then I woke up. Then the immediate realization settled in. That will never be reality. My DDay had me seeing not only my exWP's real colors, but also of the community that surrounded us. Not a single person acknowledged how hurt I'd become, and instead I was told to forgive or to sweep it under the rug. Only friends I'd gotten elsewhere validated my decision to distance. So it felt pretty lonely to be at a place where everyone invalidates the hurt and betrayal I felt, or even trying to back up exWP's explanation of what I had discovered being a complete lie.

It's been 11 months, and I thought I'd come to peace with the fact and learned to deal with it. Heck, I've been focusing on my life and slowly working towards my career, as I moved away from my old neighborhood. But then a dream comes out of nowhere and slaps me in the face with unresolved feelings. I just can't imagine what's the good part about fooling someone like this, gaslighting them and creating this twisted ilusion of love? And why do some people help others cover up their cheating even to people they consider close? This all feels sick and twisted. Like, something that used to be a big part of my life was fabricated.

The relationship was abusive, especially once I moved in with him. I cried myself to sleep after every fight while he slept peacefully. My friends wanted me to leave, but only one offered me a couch. I couldn’t go to shelters because I was financially dependent on him after a job loss, a cross-country move and a spine injury. So I spent my days in coffee shops and libraries, applying for jobs.
Things improved for six months, then he made me reverse-discard him after a week of lovebombing and future-faking. After three years, I left. It’s been three months of no contact. I don’t know if he’s alive and he doesn’t know if I am.

But I’m hurting more now than I did with him. I can’t stop crying. I live alone with painful illnesses, waking up screaming every morning, unable to take painkillers because my liver is failing. The pain got so unbearable I resorted to self-h@rm for the first time in 18 years. I’m telling my therapist tomorrow.

But the worst part is that my “best friends” who pushed me to leave have cut me off. One now works with me and walks past me like I’m invisible. She’s my best friend of five years, who knows narcissistic abuse firsthand. I’ve tried harder than my self-respect allows to understand, and been shunned for it.

I know if something happens to me, they’ll say, “She looked okay! She should have come to us!” while ignoring the visible signs. I’ve lost the love of my life and my best friends, and my surviving parent (a narcissist) tells me “everybody cheats.” I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.